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Maybe i am still holding onto things or looking to hard.
I have had my belongings back for nearly a week now. But what I find weird is that she has sprayed her perfume all over my fave hoodies and tops.
The fact the scent is so strong it indicates it could only of been done before sending.
Is this possibly some kind of hint/suggestion or is she sticking the knife in.
Just seems very strange behavior from a woman who tell me she wants no hard feelings between us, yet also wants no contact or nothing do with me
Yes I know. No one can help how they feel. My problem was when I stopped over analyzing her texts to me at the start, I started over analyzing the situation overall with constant googling of websites and stories from friends of their own situations.
And failed to realise that each breakup is different, and that while some stories are far worse than mine that have ended well, its how the person feels. Maybe even still i think that I broke NC early only to be greated by someone who is still in there “happy and relieved” phase. Who is adamant this is the best decision she has made. Again even now I think is she say no more contact, as she genuinely does not like me, or because it hurts and upsets her when i was texting.
Second guessing but have a hunch she is no doubt finding the support, if not effection somehow from someone else, but thats just a hunch and also not my concern.Either way…. I have removed MY safety net of my belongings, so we BOTH now have no reason to think we will talk again or see each other.
So I will no go Indefinite NC/Radio Silent and will work on myself.
Like alot of people I still would like to think things may change, but i am not going to dwell on things anymore.
I get that. and the text has been sent.
I guess while its not sent me back to the beginning in terms of feelings. If anything its helped. As I was holding on. and was doing everything for her and not for me. So its just made me annoyed with myself for holding on to hope.
Of course while i am pleased to hear she has emotionally moved on, it is/was hard to hear too. as I still care and respect her and the relationship, while her sentiments are no longer the same. Maybe its a male pride thing, but its also the case most “dumpees” have when they learn that the “Dumper” has lost all interest in the relationship etc.
I feel a ton better now! and while its not hope or anything. I know that with this sorted I can just concentrate on me.And whatever she does she will also now know that I am not prepared to be a back up and with my things all gone we can have the clean break now.
alright mate.
I understand. I just find myself in a tricky situation now. As I wish to give her the break up she wants while taking back some dignity and strength. And while the call is not a 1 last attempt or anything. But its something I genuinely need for myself. But saying nothing is better i guess.
Hows you?
Sorry for all the messages.
Just had a thought and can imagine you being skeptic over my reasoning but…
I know i have used certain things as potential leverage for a chat with my ex, and held on hope where hope is no longer there.
It has hit me today that I need to stop everything I have been doing and do things for me and allow her to have the breakup she wants and to stop thinking anything else.
Is it acceptable to text (here is where it could be seen as selfish) to ask if I may call just to explain to her why I behaved how i did and that i also was holding on hope. While saying for us both to truly move on I think its best if she can send my things, and then to wish her all the best?
Again I know she can kind of put that together herself as I had said things via texts last month. But (again selfishly) I would feel at ease if we could could just have that chat and then to wish each other all the best.
Hi Patricia,
I completely agree with everything you are saying. Maybe I have just been sucked in to thinking all the wrong things. Like I read that to begin with the “Dumpee” will feel pleased with their decisions and will gain a new sense of strength. But at some point they may have doubts.
But yes I am grasping at straws. I know I also have no right to be angry, and I only have myself to blame and to be angry with. And that is the hard thing, as with each day that passes I know where I went wrong and how to make things better. Its just hard to accept that I will now have to stop thinking about her and how it will benefit the past relationship. I had a moment where i was being true to myself yesterday. The improving and the searching for help and answers, was fueled by me wishing to be a better man for her, and the idea of it being just about my own development was just an afterthought. As right now the longer apart the more I am realizing just what I have lost. and the thought of moving on or of having someone else in my life does not interest me at all.
Its self damaging and selfish I know as I wish to fight for her, but i know she is no longer emotionally attached or interested in me. I considered the NC and me improving as my way of “fighting for her”..Yet Like all of us “Dumpees” There is a part of me that thinks that time could change things. Maybe for me its because I recall the good times we had and that at times she was a fragile person that would come to me for help. I know emotions change and make people feel things, and that does not mean there is hope. But even before I left for work and we had the initial talk and was still under the same roof, when I would come bring her a drink or something I would see the tears in her eyes and we would talk. She would say how sad it is, and I would just hold her for a minute. So I still think she is feeling sad. But i know she is not any longer. Again also due to the “fairytale” of our history and how we got together plays a big part in my thoughts too”
Maybe I spent too long online trying to find sites that would help (like EBP) and would take comfort in the NC rule, or that no matter how bad things are or how things ended, or if there is a rebound or not Ex’s tend to reach or or even come back. I even seeked comfort from friends and family who have been through breakups where after a few months things changed and the love was rekindled. So just hoped that all the good times we had and the fact I played such a big role in her sons life might eventually allow feelings to change.
Yes i held off saying about not sending my stuff, as I want another convo (selfish) I know. Also while i know 99.99% that IF i was to collect my stuff, she will most likely not be present. But as I am changing physically and mentally, I was seeing that as an opportunity to showcase the new me. Also I guess part of me wants to ensure that my belongings are all accounted for.
Again I know its wrong But as its cluctching at straws…. but now thinking if i just have the strength to let go and get her to send the things, it would be good for me, as I no longer have that on my mind. But maybe once things have been returned it will no longer be in her home. As while I accept her moving on, having my stuff in the house could also be reminding her of me and the idea that we MIGHT have to have a further interaction. Would you suggest contacting her to ask to send it? Again selfish I know. But I would really like to just have an actual call with her to ask her to send these things while giving us both the chance to just say a few things. But again I know thats smothering behavior and while I think we owe each other and the relationship that.
yeah I understand all that.
Part of me is still picking things apart. But thats only because I think I know different as i had the relationship with her. But I also know its full blown denial.
I dont know if i am upset or angry. As she wants to be left alone yet also does not want hard feelings.
While I know that works both ways as she is a nice woman and does not want bad blood between us (neither do i). It feels like she is more seeking forgiveness for ending things.
Maybe its a control thing (yet not a controlling person). It just scares me that due to how she feels, plus corona and the rules of travelling etc There is nothing I can Physically do. Yet I also know that If I could travel, no good would come from me going over to see her to try to talk. Only thing it would do is cause more hurt to us both by seeing each other (even though I would do anything just to see her).
Also scared that by the time this all passes we will both just be figments of our imaginations.I then left it as.. “trust me *her name*, I will honour your respect for space, but I hope we connect again at some point”
Thanks @patricia12.
Your second paragraph is the Bittersweet true meaning behind NC.
Appreciate that both parties have high emotions at the time and different emotions, the hard thing to come to terms with is that when the dust settles there is most likely going to be 2 parties wanting different things.
My ex reached out earlier as she questioned my stuff at hers.
She has it boxed up and will send or i can collect (which i guess she will be absent for). I briefly added how good i have been keeping. To which i was too
“Glad your getting help Lee. However as harsh as it sounds I have moved on in my life and am happy (as in emotionally moved on). It is over between us and I really dont want any more contact. Hope you remain healthy and happy and I also dont want any hard feelings, but it is over”
I just replied saying “I am pleased she is happy and of course there are no hard feelings. Dont apologize for sounding harsh. Its just sad that its this way when we once shared something special. I am sorry for the drama I caused with my attention seeking ways and that its just a shame that while I appreciate the sentiments of not wanting to go back. It is just a shame that we wont talk about over things and how we can put the right just to see if reconciling at any point in the future is possible”
So I guess I just need to accept things will not change regardless of time or what gets said or how its said in the future.
Or can this still be her feeling this way as she is still in the relief phase?
Think i need accept things now.
Hope all is well?
First and foremost I am not second guessing everything or anything that is happening right now as there is no Communication. But I have a wonderment.
Also I know that the true meaning of NC is to help both parties heal and to get emotions in check.
However…. A big part of why myself and the others are on this board is to go NC with the thought of reaching out once we are in a better place, if we still believe its what we wish to do.
But does NC work on (The Dumper) when they themselves are no doubt orchestrating their own NC in order to move on.
Totally agree with you mate. I have been at your stage, then drifted back. I do know I have some flaws and thats what I am working on. I can identify why we broke up and can understand how she must of been feeling. But yes annoyed that she could not be strong enough to try.
So all i can do is ensure what mistakes I made in the past I wont make again regardless of who with.
Just saying that while I am accepting the situation i would be open (in time) to talk things out with her to see what we BOTH want. Its not that I am pining or holding on to the past. Its just losing everything made me realise i was taking her for granted and that she made me happy, even though I acted as if she did not
then sounds like No Contact is working well for you and that you are in a good stage of healing.
As for me while i dont wake up and instantly check my phone or sit about hoping for a text, I am becoming more accepting of the fact that this is how it will be. I still find myself hanging on certain Convos that we had during the break up (granted before i annoyed her with all the contact) as even at the time i knew that it was a good sign, but could not find the strength to leave it there and let the time and space work on her.
Even now I am in the mind that there is no contact yet because she is not ready herself for that and not just driven by anger and frustration.
Time will tell i guess
while i try to be upbeat when writting on here, I will admit to having some down days too! So now and then i am back to taking solace in google. Just to remind myself of how she is feeling and what is kind of going on behind the scenes “in her mind”. As like i have said… as hard as it is to know, they are not really missing us much, if at all. And it will take a number of weeks possibly a month or so for that to come into play. Even then it does not mean anything.
But yeah I keep getting pangs of wishing to reach out. But I know i am not there just yet in my mind if i was to receive a negative response or no response at all.
Its weird as when i take a step back, I know while as hard as it is right now, more time needs to pass for her to be thinking differently or be open to any form of contact. But then I will just have a thought or a memory that makes me smile and all i wish to do is tell her, as I think deep down she will smile too and the chat will be positive.
Part of me wishes to ask after her boy, as I do obviously care. Also as I dont want her thinking I dont care. But then I dont wish to reach out and it to damage my value right now
Aagin, she could be watching or not. In my case and I am sure with both of you’s…. When we were together would would text mostly via FB messenger. As things were different back then I would fire off a message then put my phone away.
What I am trying to say is… that until we broke up I had no clue how often she was online or not. Same as Whatsapp.. I never used it to contact her, so never clicked on her number to see when last online. Once we split up its all I could do. And i would see her go on and offline on both apps, and would get down as first off she never sent me any messages and also as thinking who is she chatting to and thinking she goes online alot. But as I never used to look i had nothing to gauge it off. So in reality her frequent use of media could not of changed any, and was just the demons in my mind!
Remember due to everything thats going on in the world people are now starting to talk more! and I am sure they/we all have people we talk to now just to see if all is good and to keep us all from going mad.
Sometimes I wish I had the courage of my own convictions and words… As I recall last month, what i was planning to be my last message to her was along the lines of… “we believed fate bought us together” and that with this compulsory time apart due to corona “Maybe fate is giving us the opportunity to work on ourselves, and giving us the space we need to learn where we are going wrong”
I appreciate thats a positive spin and it could be turned into a negative, but you have to remain positive.
and like what was getting said last night…. we all will experience different emotions during these times. google stages of emotions of Dumpee’s and Dumper’s. you will soon identify whats going on. and Anger is one of them emotions and thats normal.
