lee1712

Thanks for your reply.

I do understand what you are saying.

I guess in my head as I never mentioned “us” or anything like that it might not of been so bad. Again i cant say for sure if she even received my message. But i can see how there would appear to be pressure even if i said there was not.

I guess to someone like myself who is untrained in all of this, if that text or just the very fact that I texted (again provided it was received and I am not blocked) did not get a response. No response is better than her sending an angry text back to me and not contacting my folks. But again… I di tend to look for positives in all things.

would you suggest the letter be the “elephant in the room” kind of letter? Or a simple case of saying i accept and understand. I handled things badly back then, however I have used my time to improve and would like the chance to sit down and discuss what I have learnt? Rather than something too emotional. And also keep any potential face to face meetings light? or is that the chance for us both to get everything out in the open and see how we both feel after?

Starting to find things tough!
I know we all have different circumstances yet all are going through the same emotions.

I guess I made my own situation worse (for my mind) as 14/4/20 I broke no contact.

It was my mothers 70th birthday. (which my ex knew regardless)

I called my mother to wish her all the best, and during the call she get extremely upset as she thought she had received a card from my ex’s 5yr old boy (not mine) but she was wrong.

As I felt stronger in my mind, I decided to text my ex. I basically said that while she owes me nothing or my family nothing, and that having my folks stop contact and “unfriend” on facebook etc was harsh, but they did so as I asked them too, as I was not handling the situation well back then.

I mentioned that my mother was very sad as she is missing the boy, and that it was her birthday. And while there was no pressure on my side,or no hard feelings if she decided not to contact her, but my mum would appreciate maybe a text or something from the little boy.

I have no idea whether that message was ever received and I am not going to call to see if I have been blocked or not. HOWEVER later that day my mum told me that my ex did reach out to her and wished her happy birthday from her and her boy.

I know i should not, but its hard to not second guess as to did she read the message and contact my mother, or if she contacted her as she remembered it was her birthday. Also I need to understand that just because she reached out to my mother it has no resemblance on myself and its more simply she is a nice person who still cares about my family.

As the message had no talk about “us” or anything that required an answer, do I start again with no contact? Have a damaged anything with that message.

I guess while things seem to be getting easier, i still find certain time hard or sad even. As now and then I worry over the “what if’s about why i reacted initially over the breakup. also as she has not reached out to me, especially during these corona times, does that mean she is not thinking of me. Or even worse is she possibly texting others and already in a place where she is excited when her phone pings, meaning in her head she is far from thinking about me.

Going off the work pack and the guide it mentions methods of making contact again. Part of me is leading towards a letter. as think its more personal but also because i believe texts are now ingrained in her mind as I texted often after the break up, and a letter my catch her off guard.
Does the length of the letter mean anything? As while i read somewhere it should be a page. Part of me wishes to write more. Then content would not be about me or my feelings, but more along the lines of how I now understand everything and realize how she was feeling during the build up and the day we split and how me hounding her was unhealthy for us both. So a brief insight into my understanding and how I am improving myself and can be that man she deserves, in an attempt to get an opportunity to get a face to face with her, when I would then expand more on things.

As @patricia12 knows… some form of contact needs to be made at some point due to my belongings in her home. I wish to send a letter or manage some form of contact in order for whenever the face to face maybe, so its not strictly about collecting my things and we get an opportunity to talk regardless of the outcome of the talk

Think wires are getting crossed.

Only snooped that once. And it was over a about 2 weeks ago. And what I found Was from February time. We spoke that night I snooped. I confessed and of course she was angry as I betrayed her trust. I imagine she would of changed her password, but have not attempted or wish to snoop now as I realised the error of my ways.

I gave her a week before I apologised, and while she accepted (obviously still annoyed) she also asked no more contact.

So no I am into the second week of no contact, and been working on myself both physically and mentally.

I think when I first wrote on this forum I was trying to find out if no contact will still have an effect on someone even when they are extremely hurt/angry from having someone be needy with texts then betraying trust by snooping

Yes in the UK.

Myself and her are both classified as essential workers. So I can travel when I’m due to work, and she unmutes daily.

Yes lewd pictures.. it’s what I found when I snooped. I can only second guess things from there. What I do see though is they were sent before the break up. And he is attached with someone and apparently going through issues.

She said it was a distraction. So I am again guessing or atleast holding on hope (due to the dates they where sent) that this has now ceased and she was being honest when saying she has no intentions to meet him. I know she has not met with him due to living with her daily. And now the due to this virus no one can freely travel around.

Basically this guy is part of a circle of friends that is from her past bat the whole circle of friends still stay in touch.

What lead to the pics being sent, did she reply with her own??? I honestly don’t know but I assume so.

And no.. we are both 38.

We should both currently be in the Maldives now on holiday, but I am back at work while she has taken time off to spend with her boy. (Family friend told me this)

Again due to research and talking I know someone can act out in these ways.. to “push” their feelings. I am also well aware this could (again second guessing) lead to a rebound, and even if so I need to be calm or even believe it’s not the eve for us.

It’s only been a week since no contact started and I’m finding it hard.

Really don’t k ow if no contact is the wSy ahead, or if I should just give up any hope

Thats correct. We live/lived together. She told me about her feelings and that they had changed, and that she did not know if she could see a future or not.

She told me this 2 days before I was due to travel to holland for work for 2 weeks. As I was awaiting a hire car and also PPE to be sent to the house, it made it hard for me to leave for those 2 days and go to my parents home which is 300 miles away.

As it was then intense on both our behalves (she decided to move out to her parents just until I left for work)

I could not pack everything and take on the plane, so I packed for 2 weeks. We both knew at the time I would need to come and collect my things or at least maybe talk things through.

During my 2 weeks at work is when she finally said it was over. Thats when i “blew up her phone” with the needy pleading texts. No harsh or spiteful words, just pure raw emotion.

I was told (before the UK went into lockdown) it would be best for me to go to my parents when I returned.

Then the Lockdown was enforced… I panicked as my father is at high risk, I also could not book hotels due to them being closed. So I reached out in hope that we would “pull together” in times of need. She said no as would ask her ill me being there. Which i truly understood and never pressed her, so stayed for 2 weeks with my family. Thats when I snooped and angered her. I left it 5-6 days before apologizing, to which she said she was pleased I was getting help but please no more contact.

Its now a week since that exchange. I am now back in Holland starting my next 2 week shift. My belongings are still at the house.

While that means nothing, and I HAVE to stop second guessing. I was planning on no contact for the 30-40 days then just reaching out, and taking it from there thinking we could sit down at some point in the future. Or atleast I will be more in control of my emotions If i am told its 100% over and to collect my things, and even if she will not be present during that time.

I know I have messed up and like others I cant help but feel with time things will settle as she had such love for me in the past.

Part of me thinks that she might be talking to other guys on the internet so will not be missing me. Yet I also need to be mature enough to appreciate that me being out of her life is a relief at the moment and this time of NC might help things.

But I also have genuine concerns about hers and her young boys welfare as she works for the NHS. But I know asking after her will just strengthen her negative thoughts towards me right now. Same as the book 5 languages of love… Its so insightful that I wish to recommend it to her, but again I know that is not what I should do.

Anything else you wish to ask please do as guidance is very helpful.

Yes she was aware of the hideous thing I did.

I will add that I am not a mean or horrible guy, it just I let myself down now and then.

While I won’t try to take the edge of the phrase “lash out”, I will say it was never be saying anything derogatory towards her. More of a means of creating a situation, just so we have the chance after to “make up” and by that I mean with words, as her words of affection after would make me feel better. Again I know it’s not the right thing to do, and if online therapy is all I can do at the moment then it’s better than nothing. While selfishly I am upset as I’ve hurt her, I also need to concentrate on myself.

Just like most on here…. I think we all reach out after some for of guidance and especially maybe comfort in being told “all is not lost”.

But no one can truly answer that