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Think wires are getting crossed.
Only snooped that once. And it was over a about 2 weeks ago. And what I found Was from February time. We spoke that night I snooped. I confessed and of course she was angry as I betrayed her trust. I imagine she would of changed her password, but have not attempted or wish to snoop now as I realised the error of my ways.
I gave her a week before I apologised, and while she accepted (obviously still annoyed) she also asked no more contact.
So no I am into the second week of no contact, and been working on myself both physically and mentally.
I think when I first wrote on this forum I was trying to find out if no contact will still have an effect on someone even when they are extremely hurt/angry from having someone be needy with texts then betraying trust by snooping
@lee1712 You wrote you snooped just over a week ago and you’ve apologized, so I don’t think the wires are getting crossed. I am just concerned you might try it again as I imagine the temptation is strong.
Yes, no contact will have an effect with a hurt/angry person (no matter the circumstances) as it gives her/him time to cool off and think of the better times. It’s also a good time during which positive changes can be made. But there’s no guarantee that the person will want to reconcile.
There is no longer temptation as The moment I did it the first time i know I had crossed the line.
thats the hard thing to take/understand/learn
Is I am learning what I did wrong in the past, and the reasons why I did them. As having the therapy.
Also through talking on here and also speaking to friends who have been through the very similar situations and while I take comfort in learning that for others all my not be lost and there was a happy ending for them. I does not mean that it will apply for me.
Starting to find things tough!
I know we all have different circumstances yet all are going through the same emotions.I guess I made my own situation worse (for my mind) as 14/4/20 I broke no contact.
It was my mothers 70th birthday. (which my ex knew regardless)
I called my mother to wish her all the best, and during the call she get extremely upset as she thought she had received a card from my ex’s 5yr old boy (not mine) but she was wrong.
As I felt stronger in my mind, I decided to text my ex. I basically said that while she owes me nothing or my family nothing, and that having my folks stop contact and “unfriend” on facebook etc was harsh, but they did so as I asked them too, as I was not handling the situation well back then.
I mentioned that my mother was very sad as she is missing the boy, and that it was her birthday. And while there was no pressure on my side,or no hard feelings if she decided not to contact her, but my mum would appreciate maybe a text or something from the little boy.
I have no idea whether that message was ever received and I am not going to call to see if I have been blocked or not. HOWEVER later that day my mum told me that my ex did reach out to her and wished her happy birthday from her and her boy.
I know i should not, but its hard to not second guess as to did she read the message and contact my mother, or if she contacted her as she remembered it was her birthday. Also I need to understand that just because she reached out to my mother it has no resemblance on myself and its more simply she is a nice person who still cares about my family.
As the message had no talk about “us” or anything that required an answer, do I start again with no contact? Have a damaged anything with that message.
I guess while things seem to be getting easier, i still find certain time hard or sad even. As now and then I worry over the “what if’s about why i reacted initially over the breakup. also as she has not reached out to me, especially during these corona times, does that mean she is not thinking of me. Or even worse is she possibly texting others and already in a place where she is excited when her phone pings, meaning in her head she is far from thinking about me.
Going off the work pack and the guide it mentions methods of making contact again. Part of me is leading towards a letter. as think its more personal but also because i believe texts are now ingrained in her mind as I texted often after the break up, and a letter my catch her off guard.
Does the length of the letter mean anything? As while i read somewhere it should be a page. Part of me wishes to write more. Then content would not be about me or my feelings, but more along the lines of how I now understand everything and realize how she was feeling during the build up and the day we split and how me hounding her was unhealthy for us both. So a brief insight into my understanding and how I am improving myself and can be that man she deserves, in an attempt to get an opportunity to get a face to face with her, when I would then expand more on things.As @patricia12 knows… some form of contact needs to be made at some point due to my belongings in her home. I wish to send a letter or manage some form of contact in order for whenever the face to face maybe, so its not strictly about collecting my things and we get an opportunity to talk regardless of the outcome of the talk
Also while I appreciate that “the text” would of likely bought back some of the bad thoughts she had towards me. Is it also possible for it to of had a positive effect…. As I sent one message and have not tried to contact her again?
@lee1712 You shouldn’t have asked your parents to unfriend her on Facebook! You say you weren’t handling the situation well at the time, but that’s no excuse.
You wrote:”And while there was no pressure on my side,or no hard feelings if she decided not to contact her, but my mum would appreciate maybe a text or something from the little boy”. No pressure? The very fact you reminded your ex of your mother’s birthday is pressure and of course if she didn’t send something, she knows you would harbor hard feelings. You should have stayed out of the situation. The relationship or friendship between your mother and your ex is their business. Yes, I think you done some damage to your situation with your ex and created more drama! And yet she probably understands why you sent the text, because you care about your mother.
I suggest you send a one page letter about 2 weeks from now.
Continue therapy and self improvements..
Thanks for your reply.
I do understand what you are saying.
I guess in my head as I never mentioned “us” or anything like that it might not of been so bad. Again i cant say for sure if she even received my message. But i can see how there would appear to be pressure even if i said there was not.
I guess to someone like myself who is untrained in all of this, if that text or just the very fact that I texted (again provided it was received and I am not blocked) did not get a response. No response is better than her sending an angry text back to me and not contacting my folks. But again… I di tend to look for positives in all things.
would you suggest the letter be the “elephant in the room” kind of letter? Or a simple case of saying i accept and understand. I handled things badly back then, however I have used my time to improve and would like the chance to sit down and discuss what I have learnt? Rather than something too emotional. And also keep any potential face to face meetings light? or is that the chance for us both to get everything out in the open and see how we both feel after?
@lee1712 In your opinion, what is your elephant in the room?
Don’t say “I accept the breakup”. Simply let her know that you understand why she chose to break up with you and you’ve been in therapy and trying to improve. Ask if there is a possibility to reconcile by discussing what went wrong and what can be done to fix it.
Don’t mention a face to face meeting until after you receive a response to the letter and if she indicates that she wants to try reconciliation.
It’s better done face to face, but even emails or phone calls could be used to get everything in the open and to discuss strategies as to how to make things better in the future..
My opinion would be very much along the lines of what you are suggesting.
At one time I would of wished to say in the letter what I have learnt and how things would be different.
But now I know that all that stuff and my moments of realization of where things went wrong would be said during dialogue “IF” there is any response to the letter and in any future communications. and even then not to force that conversation.
So your example is all that really needs to be said. As Due to the therapy i am having and using my time to improve myself both mentally and physically it will bring back my confidence. And come when I send the letter I will be more suited to word it appropriately and mean the sentiment behind it all, and to have self confidence in myself that I CAN make her happy again, while knowing that if any suggestion of reconciling is declined I will have confidence and self belief not to feel rejected and to walk away knowing that all will be fine and that I will still be happy
@lee1712 Yes, you could put up a draft if you want..
The part I wrote:”Ask if there is a possibility to reconcile by discussing what went wrong and what can be done to fix it.” You could word it like this: Do you think there is a possibility we could reconcile by we discuss what went wrong and how to fix it?
I like your positive attitude about moving forward and this situation in your life:)
I agree with Pat here…please please just don’t contact her for now because it will ruin what chance you have left. As you said she might have said not to contact her to give her time to have a long think. You really need to show you are a calm, collected confident individual, completely different from how you were when she makes contact again which will be a little while.
Hold in there. Just don’t annoy her with any form of contact.
I totally agree,
We all know it is hard, but know its for the best. We all believe that we all had something special and a connection with our ex partners and think that a text or a call will bring them round. But the truth sadly is that their feelings towards us is no longer of love or desire to be in contact with us like it once was.
Just wish I knew all this right from the start. Instead of acting desperate and needy I should of had that belief and self confidence in myself and furthermore in the relationship, and felt comfortable that time apart would of made us stronger.
I still believe it can work, but think its more down to an element of “holding on to hope” right now. Also I don’t have as many (if any at all) bad memories of the relationship
@patricia12 Thanks for all your input with all of us. Think we are all finding your works of wisdom encouraging.
I have just returned back to the UK from my 2 weeks of working in Holland. Not sure if I have had a little set back in my thoughts or progress or if its just my overthinking.
I am back home with my folks…. My mum mentioned that “text” to her from my ex and before I knew it she thrusted her phone under my nose so I could see it. She meant no harm in it and was possibly doing so as she was pleased to of heard from her.
However.. I noticed that my mum also initiated the convo by asking after her’s and her sons welfare. After that my ex responded by wishing happy birthday and that they are all well and she hopes that my folks are well, and signed off with a kiss.
Due to me currently overthinking I am finding myself in a position that i could be in but never thought I was in. As now I am wondering if she did ever receive my text in the first place. Which if she did not then she was only replying to my mother. But if they chat or not going forward I know that it has no resemblance to my ex or myself.
But i am now in a situation where i am wondering if I have actually had my number blocked or not.
I have no desire to try to call (to see if i get a ringtone or not) or out right ask her, as that will be the wrong thing to do.So lets take worse case and I am blocked everywhere. Will NC still have an effect, as I would imagine i had been blocked due to her wishing not to hear from me at all.
Secondly…. while I am not seeking a reason to send a letter any sooner, But should I assume she did receive the text and carry on with the NC being reset to that date, or from when I first stopped the contact? I am fully aware that this 30 days is just a number and if anything a minimum timeline. I guess I dont wish to try to communicate too early when it wont be taken that well, or leave it too late where so much time has passed.
@lee1712 Stop overthinking! Stop wondering if she received your text reminder her of your mother’s birthday. Stop wondering whether or not your ex wished your mom happy birthday because your mother initiated a text to ask about her and her son.
I should say the way you treated your ex by lashing out verbally and creating situations to try and become the center of attention was probably worse than the snooping! I’m hoping therapy is helping you understand why you did that so as to prevent you from ever doing it again.
Just send the letter via regular mail in about 2-3 weeks and take it from there..
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