Really need some help guys

thanks for your reply.

Yeah I am learning things in every session. If i am honest I am not liking some of the things I am learning.

Basically it seems alot of it is due to low confidence and low self esteem. And the fear of feeling left out. I say I dont like what I am learning as it shows i have been “attention seeking” and obviously in a needy negative way. and instead of doing negative needy things I could of done things a lot different to gain her attention. While it matters very little. The lashing out or whatever, was never in an aggressive way. and certainly never personal. Just more of a case where it was clear I was moody. Like a performance. But I understand 100% now that it just highlighted some serious flaws and would be very exhausting for anyone to wish to stay with or put up with that kind of behavior

Also learnt about my love languages and also how i would express love, and that it is likely that we might of been on different wave lengths and never felt for-filled even though we both loved each other and was doing what we thought each other wanted to feel loved.

And yes…. the overthinking has been my downfall from the very first moment as I had always second guessed everything. Last few weeks its not been a problem as been active and working.

it is just hard. Because at the time I just seen what i was doing as just how I behaved.

Only now do I know why I acted that way and how to be the man she deserves. I am not saying i am 100% the finished article but certainly been enlightened!

I can truly understand why she ended things and can understand why she may never give me the time of day again. After all she said during the texting times that she feel she has already “tried” which she has. But i had not changed my ways as did not really understand my problem.

Now i do I just wish to reach out and joyfully tell her these things. But I know I have to time it right as right now she is still in the “relief” phase, as well as anger possibly.

But its also bitter sweet as even knowing all this (plus all things new I will learn) it could be too little too late for us. But then it will still not be in vain as i needed to learn this about myself regardless.

Its just I have had the space to think and the more i think the more i just want to be in each otehrs lives again and to both be happy

I then left it as.. “trust me *her name*, I will honour your respect for space, but I hope we connect again at some point”

yeah I understand all that.

Part of me is still picking things apart. But thats only because I think I know different as i had the relationship with her. But I also know its full blown denial.

I dont know if i am upset or angry. As she wants to be left alone yet also does not want hard feelings.

While I know that works both ways as she is a nice woman and does not want bad blood between us (neither do i). It feels like she is more seeking forgiveness for ending things.

Maybe its a control thing (yet not a controlling person). It just scares me that due to how she feels, plus corona and the rules of travelling etc There is nothing I can Physically do. Yet I also know that If I could travel, no good would come from me going over to see her to try to talk. Only thing it would do is cause more hurt to us both by seeing each other (even though I would do anything just to see her).
Also scared that by the time this all passes we will both just be figments of our imaginations.

Hi Patricia,

I completely agree with everything you are saying. Maybe I have just been sucked in to thinking all the wrong things. Like I read that to begin with the “Dumpee” will feel pleased with their decisions and will gain a new sense of strength. But at some point they may have doubts.

But yes I am grasping at straws. I know I also have no right to be angry, and I only have myself to blame and to be angry with. And that is the hard thing, as with each day that passes I know where I went wrong and how to make things better. Its just hard to accept that I will now have to stop thinking about her and how it will benefit the past relationship. I had a moment where i was being true to myself yesterday. The improving and the searching for help and answers, was fueled by me wishing to be a better man for her, and the idea of it being just about my own development was just an afterthought. As right now the longer apart the more I am realizing just what I have lost. and the thought of moving on or of having someone else in my life does not interest me at all.

Its self damaging and selfish I know as I wish to fight for her, but i know she is no longer emotionally attached or interested in me. I considered the NC and me improving as my way of “fighting for her”..Yet Like all of us “Dumpees” There is a part of me that thinks that time could change things. Maybe for me its because I recall the good times we had and that at times she was a fragile person that would come to me for help. I know emotions change and make people feel things, and that does not mean there is hope. But even before I left for work and we had the initial talk and was still under the same roof, when I would come bring her a drink or something I would see the tears in her eyes and we would talk. She would say how sad it is, and I would just hold her for a minute. So I still think she is feeling sad. But i know she is not any longer. Again also due to the “fairytale” of our history and how we got together plays a big part in my thoughts too”

Maybe I spent too long online trying to find sites that would help (like EBP) and would take comfort in the NC rule, or that no matter how bad things are or how things ended, or if there is a rebound or not Ex’s tend to reach or or even come back. I even seeked comfort from friends and family who have been through breakups where after a few months things changed and the love was rekindled. So just hoped that all the good times we had and the fact I played such a big role in her sons life might eventually allow feelings to change.

Yes i held off saying about not sending my stuff, as I want another convo (selfish) I know. Also while i know 99.99% that IF i was to collect my stuff, she will most likely not be present. But as I am changing physically and mentally, I was seeing that as an opportunity to showcase the new me. Also I guess part of me wants to ensure that my belongings are all accounted for.

Again I know its wrong But as its cluctching at straws…. but now thinking if i just have the strength to let go and get her to send the things, it would be good for me, as I no longer have that on my mind. But maybe once things have been returned it will no longer be in her home. As while I accept her moving on, having my stuff in the house could also be reminding her of me and the idea that we MIGHT have to have a further interaction. Would you suggest contacting her to ask to send it? Again selfish I know. But I would really like to just have an actual call with her to ask her to send these things while giving us both the chance to just say a few things. But again I know thats smothering behavior and while I think we owe each other and the relationship that.