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@divinegirl I think that explanations does not even matter – as long as you know that you were fair or you are aware of any “defects” yourself. It’s the other person decision, their life.
As for my case I am not a bad person and I treated my fiancee with love, care and respect. I also know that some things in me could be better (I want to and have to fix it – for myself) but I do not agree that in overall I deserved to be treated and dumped this way. And I still CAN NOT believe that SHE could act this way. It hurts even more because she didn’t listen to my logical arguments and it all happened in the major pivotal point in my/our lives. It all doesn’t make any sense.
I do not believe in anything anymore..@divinegirl you are right so don’t be sorry. I think people here focus more on getting their ex back (well that’s the name of the site..) but I think we should focus on ourselves now. I have a problem with that because for years I was giving her everything – but that made me happy and thought that is the way. But I got lost somewhere.
And I know what happened and why – I got the explanation – but it didn’t make me feel better. And it didn’t stop me from thinking “how could SHE?”.
So as you say there is no point in trying to figure out the answers “why”.Ly88 can you talk to someone around? When I feel really bad I skype my parents or txt my friend – he tries to distract my thoughts.
@Ly88 believe me that I still can not imagine how could my ex go the way she went.. We had a long (13 years, 9 years living tohether) and compatibile relationship. We were family. You are not alone in this and with your questions “why”. And there are many others with their stories – more or less f.ked up. Yes it is all unfair so f.king unfair..
@LAbound thanks. I’m trying hard to keep myself going. The weekends are the hardest but I do everything to keep my mind occupied. It is not even that I think of my ex (as a person) – I just miss my ‘old’ life and everything we had together. I am here because we wanted to build our future here. I am here for us. And I am left totally alone. I know – I don’t love myself – I was doing everything for her. I know it is bad but how to fix this, how to feel good to be alone? I don’t know if I can make it without help from the outside- I’m getting weak.
@LAbound yes I can go back to my parents – but apart from the pros (being close to my parents /I don’t have other family/, close to some friends, having my dog with me, it is my homecity etc.) there are cons – I would be geographically close to her and might see her or her parents sometimes, everything there reminds me of her, I would be tempted all the time. The other thing is I feel like I’ve lost everything – my fiancee + my dog (is with her) + my home (we lived in her flat) + work (contact with my clients as I was a freelancer).
I might get my clients and work back but can not afford to get a flat at this moment. And overall economical situation in my country is not promising.
And going back would be a shame for me – like I couldn’t make it here. But the reason is the breakup because apart from that I was doing fine. It is so f.cked up. I am so helpless I want to cry.Did you follow my story LAbound? It is all crazy. She is crazy đ All that with her ‘new relationship’ – it is all insane and she doesn’t listen to anyone.
Right now I am totally depressed again and see no future for me. I can not find energy to work on myself – I just work – eat – sleep. And I try not to do anything stupid – still have my parents to live for.
@Ly88 I think I know what you’re feeling – I am 3 months after breakup and few weeks ago I thought I am getting better and over it – but now I am broken again and feel so lonely and empty. I have no one around to talk to – I am alone in a foreign country and have been suffering from depression for quite some time.
I was trying to think positive but now can’t stop thinking that nothing good is there for me anymore and I will not meet a person as compatibile as was my ex.
And I don’t think I will get her back so…
I don’t know if this helps but you are not alone in this.And let’s try to be more positive that things WILL get better
LAbound said he got better after few months and now after 9 months is way ahead.@patrick d I’m sorry to say that but the fact that she has been sending you messages and updates on her life does not mean that she was “with you” all that time. Maybe she already drifted away and was emotionally detached – just didn’t know how to talk to you about this – it was hard for her also – and didn’t want to upset you. That is why she is “moving so fast” because the process has started some time before – not just now.
I’m saying that because of my own experience – you can see the details of my story and how it went over here:
Of course not every situation is the same but I’m just giving you something to think of.
Today she has sent me a photo of our dog. She knows I love and miss the dog that is why. Later we texted a little – I just wanted to apologize for some harsh words I said before and for that she felt bad about our relationship (as she said she felt bad and the love was gone). And she apologized for how she has ended the relationship etc. But told me her feelings to all this situation and towards me haven’t changed – she doesn’t feel love anymore.. Well I think it is over and nothing is going to change that.
Do you think I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one dayâ etc – to keep the lines open for possible future or just go silent?
@confusedbutok I’ve had the same feeling – dating others I started to think about my ex and that I should be here (on the date) with her not some ‘strangers’. And every time it made me hurt. I guess it is too soon – but on the other hand they say we should go out there and date other people. IDK.
Right now I feel down again – it is probably triggered by meeting my ex. I thought I’m pretty strong and confident but it seems now I’m back to the starting point đ
My story here, any input welcome:
Yes she said it was hard for her to read my letter – but as I said it wasnât supposed to be the âmagic letterâ (thus Iâve tried to plant few positive anchors in it-to bring back good memories of me/us) but some kind of a closure letter. Iâve sent it now just because I felt sorry for how our meeting went and I felt sorry for her being sad and all. I wanted to give some explanation to why have my feelings and my behaviour towards her changed.
Now I feel it was a mistake to see her – and it was something I didnât want to do – I didn’t reach out- the circumstances kind of made me.
@LAbound you commented I handled the situation rather well – and yes I felt like I took the power back after my visit in the city as I wasnât needy or clingy but I was indifferent and maybe not too nice (she wrote that I appeared angry and nervous – but it was the situation with her father and our dog that made me really angry). But today I fell like Iâve ruined all my âgetting betterâ work đ I mean after her letter I can see she is doing âfineâ and I stopped being sorry for her. But I myself feel broken again đ Lost itâŠObviously I am /and was not over all the situation yet (2 NCs of 1mnth length) and maybe seeing her moving on without regrets hurts me deep down. Anyways message to other ppl here – DONâT CONTACT your ex if you are not 100% sure youâre ready – or youâll get hurt again.
As for her ânew relationshipâ – I think it as an absurd /rebound?/ because :
1. she has met the guy on her holidays – when we were still officially together and I wasnât aware whatâs coming – and he was her Couchsurfing host /yepâŠ/
2. Iâm pretty sure it is now a LDR cause he lives in Portugal and sheâs 3000 km away in another country. And theâve seen each other literally for just a few days- on her holidays/ I am not sure if theyâve spent NY eve together but I am quite sure she has no time for travel right now and the guy has his own stuff to run.
3. He has his life /doughter, business/ in Portugal and she has to finish her doctor specialisation in another country. So she has to stay there for at least 9 months and even then she has to keep working + study for her big final exam – and I donât see any future for her in Portugal, lol.
4. She engaged in this new relation without any bereavement after our 13 years together. I am aware that – if it is true – she might get emotionally distanced from me sometime before – but is that enough to get fully healthy detached of that strong bond weâve had? In the letter now she wrote that when I was gone abroad she didnât miss me – she was rather âeuphoricâ – and worried about this feeling.
No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughterâs future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my exâs perception. Well it is her life, let her have it.
@LAbound could you remind me how long did it take you to get in the place you are now? Iâd sooo like to be in the same point with my feelings.
I only just got to feel better few days after the NY eve so..Thank you for you input.
I’ve just got a response for my letter.
It is written in a strange official manner and expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies. She wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally.She is in this new “relationship” ( with the guy she cheated me on – in the end).
He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away.
But she says it is a decent man and has serious plans towards her… Yeah right.Anyways I have to say that after our short meeting and talking I stared going down again. And today my self confidence is quite low.
I think this is over for now and I should move on.
Yes I thought there is a bit too much negetivity.
This letter was supposed to be a goodbye letter as I started to feel better with all this situation – but then I’ve decided not to send it but just stick to infinite NC.Now after seeing my ex I was feeling bad/sorry for her and decided to change the letter a bit (yes it is more cool and polite now haha) and send it through.
Anyways yes I think there still is more work ahead untill I will be totally over it.
