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Thanks Patricia,
Your words are always reassuring and well guided. It was tuff to accept that its over but It is what needed to happen. I don’t’ want to surrender all my thoughts and energy to this one women whom I know is not reciprocating. I wish the best for her even if it is with this new man because I’ll always love her in some way. But she did too much damage to me for me to be vested in her in anyway.
This is my first big experience like this. I’ve been rejected before sure but I’ve never had a long term relationship before and this one was a big one.
There are still dark moments. I can’t cover that up. I believe I could also be burning out from all the activities that I’m trying to do but its kind of a pick your poison thing where If I sit idle to long the pain boils up. Its just a balance thing.
Some of the positives that are coming out of the experience
• I’ve grown closer to my family, with my Ex gone I lost the person I’d share everything with. This forced me share it with my family. <- Biggest one
o I can’t believe some of the feelings I share with them know, its very different I used to be closed off.
• I’ve gotten in better shape.
• I’ve met at least 25 new friends or acquaintances
• Joined a church group, stronger faith.I don’t want to go into to much detail because this site is for reconciliation. But unfortunately, in my case that doesn’t seem to be feasible. She simply does not what to talk to me right now.
I kept it from many, but I honestly wanted to be dead some days right after the breakup. I never really planned out an act but there were days where I was like oh boy it would be nice; wouldn’t all the pain go away. What if a car hit me today not so bad huh. The phase is long over. It gets easy to get carried away with trying to get someone back that you think life ends without them. It doesn’t.
Another thing to get off my chest that I didn’t reveal in these boards is that my EX was a self-proclaimed sex addict. She never cheated on me that I know of. She was never very open about this until the last few months of the relationship where she said she had a porn problem, which she expected me to break up with her over. She went to a support group for it. There were times where I could keep up with it and her desires, but then times where I couldn’t, especially this spring when I had a hernia repair surgery. In hindsight its impossible to state that this would not have had any effect on our relationship. Maybe that’s why she moved on so quick (ugh bad thoughts lol)
Anyway, thanks to everyone who contributes on this forum it’s a phenomenal resource. I’ll update if something radical changes.
Update,
It is truly over. We have been NC for more then two months now. I’ve not heard from her at all. I have been having ups and downs over that time but I’ve felt pretty good for a few weeks now but so so today. I’ve been on a few dates and some of the women seem superior to my ex, which is a nice thing to see. I was rejected a second date by one though, but that’s part of it.
One of the things that helps me move on is that shortly after my last update I saw her post some pictures with another guy, She has posted a couple. She is careful about what she says about him online and she doesn’t really say anything affectionate about him but It’s obvious they are together. I never knew about him so he probably was not a friend of hers beforehand or he could have been kept a secret. This helps tell me that it’s over but it doesn’t make anything easier to swallow. Having an ex move on and commit to another person about a month after breaking up with me makes me feel pretty worthless, but nonetheless it closes the book. I make a point to not check her Social media but I have my weak moments.
I’m hoping I can continue moving forward. I still miss her. I miss her upbeatness, her compliments, her support and her company. But that woman was gone a long time ago anyway. Frankly it doesn’t help that everyone else in my life is in a happy relationship, but I know it will come. I do feel that NC has been a blessing it’s the fastest way to get over her.
I’ve been working on myself a lot lately. Hitting the gym hard. 8 plus hours a week. Heavy lifting and heavy cardio. I’ve joined a young persons church group filled with people my age. I’ve joined toastmasters too. I’m actually pretty jammed busy. Almost everyday I have something to do.
I called her on Thursday, to see how she was doing. I got no reply.
It hurts but I’m working to move on.
Ugh, Everyone in my life tells me to move on. And if she wanted something different she would have contacted by now. I just don’t know what to believe. Sooner or later NC is going to eat me alive too.
Looking for/dating other women only makes me want her more.
I’m worried I’m going to do something stupid, after almost 7 weeks of NC.
Sallys,
There will be a point in your NC where you don’t care if they come back. It means you are making progress. I passed that phase a couple of weeks ago in my instance. Over the last week or so I’ve been keen on reconciliation. I guess what I would say is make sure you feel a certain way for a couple of weeks before acting on those feelings.
Sounds like you are young and in college though. Plenty of opportunities.
That’s great that you’re moving on and are open to new relationships. I feel like that’s the only way to move forward Its all about the abundance mindset. I’m still not there yet I don’t think. I’m partially open to new relationships but sometimes I think I only do that because I’m working on my mindset while in the back of my head I’m still hoping my ex comes around.
I know there will be good days and bad days but the last week has been really hard on me. I still feel like I really want to reach out because its been so long or has sure felt like it. I have no idea what she is thinking, and that gets to me. Its been 6.5 weeks since the breakup and we have only had the minimal contact. I do regret taking her for granted. I just still don’t feel like I full on took her for granted because we still saw each other 4-5 days a week and I’d still planed nice dates. Most of it was just not new and exciting. I was busy with work for a few months. I just don’t know when enough is enough as far as time goes for NC. She could move on. Maybe she already has. I keep asking myself this and I know that along with the regret will drive me nuts. I was honestly in a better state a week ago.
Funny story a couple of days ago In a moment of weakness I checked her Instagram. I saw “account private” meaning I was blocked. It felt like a dagger stab to the chest for 15 seconds. Then I realized I was not connected to the internet lol. I signed back on and sure enough I was still there and so were “most” of the pictures from our relationship. I was already feeling a certain way before this but this is how I knew I still cared. I noticed she had gone home pretty much every weekend she posts quite a bit more too once a week at a minimum (none with guys). I know it will drive me nuts to take social media seriously though.
Helping my friend helps me through this too. Its nice to be able to help someone. But it also reminds me of my situation and at the same time but also makes me proud to have been more mature and restrained in the breakup which gives me hope.
I know she made a decision I just don’t understand how she lost her feelings for me in a couple of months when we dated for 2.5 yrs and had a crush on each other for 2.5 yrs before. 5 yrs of feelings. It tears me apart. I spent my whole early 20’s either crushing on or dating this woman. I still want her back but I know we both need to change and I need to be restrained now for sure.
I guess when I say move on I mean better myself and accept the fact that she might not comeback. Nothing good will come from having her as my only option so to speak or thinking that I need her to survive, I’ll be insecure.
I suppose I should have said growth then reconcile. instead of move on and reconcile
How is your situation Leidy? Seems you are more for moving on in your own life.
Yeah I think the saying goes like that.
Thats great about church Leidy, faith is really important.
Their break was really just a slow breakup. Honestly I think a break is so much worse because my freind
did not choose to be in this situation and he was letting her drive the bus until he was fed up a few weeks later and ended it by removing their relationship from fb.Nothing against my friend but I think the break drove him nuts where they should have just broken up. A break does not force change because the other person just hopes they are accepted as is at the end. A breakup forces change if one hopes to reconcile or move on.
Things I’m proud of: 1) Not reaching out for six weeks except for birthday 2) Not bitter at her. These seem to be things that my freind was not able to do because they took a break instead first. I suppose this should be a different topic breaks vs breakups.
Over the past few days my mind has fixated more on moving on and reconciling instead of just moving on. I could be getting close to step two but I’m not sure yet. I need to have this feeling quite a bit longer.
I’m taking lifting slow. Honestly lifting always made me very happy and it been about 6 months since I’ve been able to go hard. I had a hernia (TMI I know).
The church is not Catholic. I was raised Catholic but I just never found a church that was Catholic that spoke well to me after college. I was very involved with the church in college. The new church is nondenominational it’s more like the type of church my ex-went to before she fell off the cliff. I’m grateful the church does not remind me of her. It’s pretty upbeat.
My ex for sure has a lot going on and yes turned her back on me. I guess I’m at the point of six weeks NC and these last few days have been hard but I’ve held course. It’s at the point where I guess I just miss the companionship. Its crazy to think that I haven’t heard her voice in 5.5 weeks and that doesn’t bother me. I just still think that the relationship could have been salvaged and maybe its just taking a second round of that sinking in. I’m going to stick to what my Dad said. If I still feel this way in a month maybe its time to reach out. Who knows maybe she’s even crazier.That could be just what I need to sell me on the fact that its over seeing her more crazy.
One of my best friends is going through something similar. Same age same duration of 2.5 yrs. He and his ex-took a break had a decent amount of fights in the break and honestly aren’t really officially broken up yet but there going to be. Just seems messer. Crazy how fast I was able to jump in and help him. I only have 6 wks experience with this 🙂
Leidy,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I guess I honestly can’t say I know what it is like to lose a child. It seems like you’ve been getting stronger and stronger through it though and it gives me more and more hope.
I don’t think my ex liking other people’s babies is pathetic. She just seemed to obsess over them so much. At times it almost felt like she would put in more effort to them then our relationship. I definitely held a little bitterness over that but not an enormous or obvious amount.
I think she is even confused on whether or not she wants to be a mother. We would talk about it and honestly I thought she would make a good mother and I couldn’t wait for that day. I just wanted to do it more responsibility than her friends who all have very unplanned children. I could tell at times she romanticized single motherhood. Her mom was a single mother for a point in time and it looks like her sister is going to be too. On the flip side she said a couple of months ago that she wasn’t even sure if she wanted kids due to the drama in her family with her sister, so there really is a lot up in the air.
I myself want to have a stable strong christian family someday. And most of the time it seemed like she wanted the same thing.
I’m not sure what you meant by saying she does not see the flaw in herself, If she is a mess since I’m not chasing her. To me it would seem like its both or none. Either she sees a flaw and is a mess or neither. I guess all people have an ego even her but since I know her I can say its not very strong. She might be a mess since I’m not in pursuit or it could be a relief I guess we don’t know.
That’s great you’re making changes. Especially getting rid of the bitterness and arguing. As far as changes for me. I’ve already accomplished some. I’ve joined a new church, I’ve lost 8 pounds, I’ll get back into lifting as soon as the doctor allows me I had a hip injury.
I don’t think there is much of a chance that she used the gym membership to reach out to me. She was cold when she sent it I could tell. She could have been trying to get a reaction but she didn’t really get one.
One thing to remember is that my ex left me so I’m on a little different ball field than you, at the end of the day it’s not entirely my choice. I’m still not at the point where I know exactly what to do, so it’s not healthy for me to move in any other direction than to just move on. I’ve made changes for the better in my life but I have no idea if she has. I guess the only way for me to figure out if she has would be to talk to her.
I have gone on some brief dates since the breakup. But it’s a little different for men I think. It helps get my confidence back. And who knows.
I know my ex-doesn’t really have the largest of egos, Sometimes it almost seemed like she could have low self-esteem, so I don’t know if she is playing games or not. In a moment of interest, I checked her social media and She seems to be posting on social media a ton more. But only with her family and of course “Kate” and Kate’s kid. Some of the pictures would almost make it seem like my ex is trying to make it seem like the kid is her’s. Which I guess honestly seems kinda pathetic.
So I don’t know if I want to reconcile yet. My dad gave me some great advice. If you do wish to reach out to test the waters do if for yourself and whatever the outcome you can always say you tried and have no regrets. We then talked about some of his regrets.
Leidy,
Sounds like your relationship had run very deep. You were living together after all. I think NC is extremely effective in our cases. And yeah if he hurt you then you definitely need your time. I would be careful about making him beg to get you back. He needs to change instead and that’s up to him. If he just begs and you take him back all you do is teach him that he can just mess up, beg/plead, get back, repeat. begging is a much easier path they changing and if offered it a guy will choose the easier path.
It sounds like you are interested in getting back together just not right now. I would just continue NC that’s the only way he is going to know that he has to change.
As far as my conversations with my EX they are nearly not existent due to NC. I have made a point to be NC for now and work on my self. She texted me about the gym membership 3 weeks ago. It was short cause I can feel we both wanted space, or at least I did. She was very minimal with me it was only 2 texts. I sent a happy birthday text with no reply. Its been 5.5 weeks since the breakup. Very proud of my NC. I’m still figuring out what I want.
I’m almost sure her defenses are still up. She knows that I can interfere with her feelings if I start talking. After all, I talked her into staying another day. Her defenses might also be up longer since her last relationship had multiple breakups and she had a bad experience reopening up. Again though I’m a different caliber.
I have no idea how she would react if I reached out, I’m sure she doesn’t know how i’d react either if she reached out. I guess that’s kinda the point of NC.
For now, I plan to figure myself out and improve myself. I still love her but God has a plan for me. I’ll probably only reach out to her if/when I decide I’m 100% sure I want her back. I just need to make sure I don’t want her because I got rejected or feel lonely.
Leidy,
Whats your situation like right now. Do you wish to reconcile? or are moving on?
I don’t think she was scared of marriage for the most part. She was pushing it for most of the relationship and it could at times make me uneasy early on. She has lots of freinds that will get married after a year etc. I think she started to see marriage and children for what they really were. More than just “cute” Instagram pictures and a love story. She saw the disputes and hostility and of course breakups and breakdowns of the people she was surrounded with. She couldn’t see through the fact that our relationship was completely different and we were both different calibers. And then we kinda traded places. I was ready to make that step and all of a sudden she wasn’t.
Honestly, I still love her and probably always will in some way. I’m just getting through NC now. except for the birthday text and having to coordinate canceling a gym membership (total of 2 short texts between us 3 weeks ago) We have been totally no contact for 5.5 weeks now. That’s a long time but still not long enough for either of us to get sorted out.
So far I’ve got a new car, joined a new church and I am working on completing some time-consuming house projects. And of course, going on dates. I’ve had two with two separate women so far but neither really struck me. It might be because its too early or it might be because I know more of what I want in a partner or both.
Hi Leidy,
Thanks for the input. I’m sorry to hear that your ex’s mother and bother got in the way. It really is a hard thing to swallow since there is very little you can do to stop it. Especially since people often have selfish motives when they do this.
I’m not positive that Kate had something to do with this but I definitely think its a valid question. It could more likely have been in some indirect way. My ex probably saw the dismal marriage Kate was in and I know Kate vented to her about it. My Ex may have seen this and had her hesitations about marriage and commitment. Which is what makes this case unique. I believe if a proposal wasn’t eminent she might have had a different reaction to her dissatisfaction with the relationship.
In hindsight, my ex is rather emotionally weak. She seems to often times run from her problems and not confront them. You’re absolutely right she just plain quit on me. In her current state she is undateable and if she didn’t quit on me know she probably would later for some reason and Thanks God it happened sooner rather then later. If she changes and I change in the future I may entertain the idea of getting back together but I’m trying not to hang on.
I understand that it is not good for me to be mad or bitter to my ex or Kate. If I’m bitter I can’t even begin to move on. And honestly, I’m proud to say I’m not bitter to either of them. Bitterness will only ruin my future relationships or prohibit me from even starting them. It also certainly won’t help me get my ex back IF that’s even something I want and Most of all it will destroy me on the inside.
