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First of all thanks leidy1000 and Patricia12 for the input it’s amazing to have people to talk to on here.
Kate did not immigrate on an engagement visa she did come here when she was 4 or 5. and has been freinds with my ex since kindergarten. There isn’t really a reason she would have to use him to get here. She married a guy she dated since HS. She does kinda need him though since neither of them has really good paying jobs and she doesn’t even work anymore.
My ex is easily influenced by her for sure. She imitates her and wants to do exactly what she wants to do. If Kate wants to lose weight my ex-wants to lose weight. It Kate wants to go somewhere my ex-wants to go etc. I know girls have different relationships with their best freinds then guys do but my ex and this woman honestly seemed like romantic partners at some points. Buying each other chocolates, gifts etc. I remember my ex and I took a weekend trip to a lake once and when we got back and Kate saw how fun it was my ex-said she was jealous and thus had to plan a trip with Kate up to a similar place which of course my ex-paid for.
So we’ve been apart for 5 weeks
I’m doing much better still. It is certainly a roller coaster of emotions. I did miss her this weekend a little but not that much. I’m still not entirely sure if she is even someone I would want back ever. Certainly not in her current state as of a month ago.
Looking back at the relationship there are tons of things I could have done better but none of them major, of course everyone reruns the relationship over and over during the first few weeks of a breakup.
But after some more thought I do have an idea of what might be an outside influence on her. Her best friend lets call her Kate has an enormous amount of influence over her life and thoughts, and something tells me she might have had something to do with this. I’ve always been able to mesh well with most of my ex’s friends, but her friend group is so diverse in character that its pretty hard to instantly become best friends with some of her friends. I also think many of her friends don’t value her as much as she values them which is something that I don’t think she realizes. But for the most part I know most of her friends approved of me even her best friend at one point.
The thing with her best friend is that she got married last spring and immediately had an unplanned child born in the fall. I can tell it’s a bad marriage because any time I was around them there was so much bickering and mild fighting. Another thing is that Kate parades the baby around like its her own and not theirs. The poor guy works two jobs of course to support them. I can tell with near certainty that the marriage is a bad one. I just always thought it was weird because my ex was never like this.
The thing is I was never totally accepted by Kate’s husband or his friends they are all also Eastern European. I remember meeting many of them for the first time and being social and talking to each of them and asking about them and then they wouldn’t pay me any attention. They didn’t care about me, my job etc or any of that small talk. They just want back to speaking in Russian in front of me, which of course neither I or my Ex speak. This also happened at a BBQ I hosted at my house for them. During our relationship I tried explaining this to my ex since it bothered her that there was no connection between this friend group. On a side note my ex meshed really well with my friend group but many of my friends are in sales and very outgoing etc and meshing well comes naturally.I’m not saying that Kate intentionally broke us up but I do feel that she probably enjoys having my ex around more and wouldn’t be crazy for us being together. After all my ex is a generous person and gifts a lot to Kate, it honestly seemed excessive at points. Sometimes she treated her as a significant other and it just seemed odd because Kate would rarely do anything for my ex. But at the end of our relationship my ex said that she just doesn’t have fun with me like she does with Kate when they hang out even though she has said the opposite before and I know she also went straight to Kate’s house after the breakup.
My Ex is not completely oblivious though she has on numerous occasions had frustrations with Kate and did state that she was a mooch and nosey. But nothing worse than that.
I don’t want to sell myself on the fact that her friend is the sole reason for all this or even a reason at all. But my mind can’t help but connect the dots. Obviously, my spiritual healing has no room for distain, or bitterness towards others so I’ve reframed from feeling such.
I think that if I ever did want her back I would face a large obstacle which I can not control.
Of course, at this point though, I’m still healing myself and moving on. These are just my realizations from the last two weeks.
Yeah, I agree, it would have been kind of shallow to not send anything. She never did respond, but I’m not hurt by that which means I’m making progress. I’m thinking she is afraid to open herself up to me at the moment. She knows I can be persuasive and effective in a discussion. She even said during our breakup that I “always know what to say and that gets in the way of her feelings”.
Honestly, I think this is all for the better. Like I mentioned in my last post. I’m not even entirely sure I want her back. This sounds cocky but I know my worth. I’m put together, I have a good social life, I make good money, physically fit, own a house, have a good career, volunteer and serve in the military and am getting spiritually healthier. I have to figure out if I’m even willing to go back to someone who didn’t know what she had when she had it.
And I think for that the only way is to move on and continue NC.
I’m sure there will be more updates.
Update,
It was her birthday on Friday.
It had been 25 days of no contact. I sent her a text saying “Happy Birthday, I hope you have a good weekend” I got no response. But at this point, I’m not even sure I care. I’m not sure if I want a woman that quit on me. I’ve already gone on dates and feel as if I’m moving on.
The main reason I sent her a text was that my birthday is in June. If I did not send something and she did in June I was worried she would appear the bigger person.
Hi Patricia12,
I’ve read lots of your posts before you are very helpful.
I never thought of it but I agree we probably did see each other much too often towards the end of our relationship. for the first year and a half, we were in school or at 70 miles distance. Then we moved closer. She did indirectly cite a lack of romantic love as one of her reasons for leaving. It is difficult to always have a blissful experience 5 days a week.
From what she told me she wants to live this independent lifestyle where she is buying her own condo, advancing at work, etc. I haven’t see any evidence of any other man in the picture. Seems she all of a sudden she thinks her girlfriends are more fun even though in the past they have been less than functional. Another thing to point out is that many of her friends marry at a very young age (less then 22 yr old in some cases), however, most if not all fail very quickly. Her best freind is in a bad marriage right now. I feel that might have made her question what she wants in life even though I’m a different cailiber.
I’m going to keep up NC. I think more then 30 days is necessary since there is so much going on for us to realize. As sad as it is I’m working on moving on dating others etc. I feel this relationship can’t be mended in 30 days she has to find out what she wants and experience life without a man.
Thoughts?
