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Thanks for the advice. I guess the thing that bothers me is that I thought rebound relationships in their conventional sense don’t happen like this, or at least I didn’t think so. I wouldn’t of thought they’d involve so much talking about the ex.
I feel like me trying to make things happen actually made it not happen. In hindsight, I know that I didn’t even need to embark on this crazy mission. Which is madness. Or maybe I did, you never know.
I wouldn’t even know what ‘the next step’ is here anymore. I’m just taking it day by day. More often than not, I don’t think I’d want to see her right now.
And knowing what I know, and not being able to say anything, or knowing I won’t be told what the truth is, is painful. We’ve exchanged some lengthy texts, but I don’t know why I bother really as I know the reply won’t ever be quite the truth.
This too shall pass, as they say. Time to start over again.
All I can say to that is, congratulations dude.
I would really appreciate some advice as to what’s going in my situation, if you don’t mind me asking.
Seems my ex has been having some kind of emotional affair with a long time friend of mine, and I’m trying to work out whether or not I simply walked her into his, step by step.
Just the last few pages, you’d get the idea.
Long story short, in the past month or so we started seeing one another again. Only four times.
Hi.
I read most of your posts the other day as you seem to have one of the craziest stories on here.
Last I heard you had cut things off with her?
You’re definitely right in terms of how difficult it can be for the other party. They haven’t been processing the breakup in the same manner/at all, and usually go through it blind.
There’s one thing that’s off for me from what you’ve written.
‘She said that she doesn’t want stipulations and that she wants to talk to this guy, and because I feel uncomfortable, she feels like it might not work.’
That’s kind of playing games, isn’t it? If she wants to be with you, she should respect your wishes and not talk to him.
Obviously no one knows her on here like you do, but I would’ve thought telling you he’s physically attractive and has a nice personality would be a red flag. Then on the other hand she is forthcoming enough to tell you about him.
I think your response you gave her is pretty much perfect. Just make sure you’re not getting used.
Could I ask you to take a look at my thread if you get a chance? I think there are similarities between my situation and yours somewhat. Though for now I think things are over for me, it’d be nice to hear you opinion anyway.
I mean I wouldn’t have thought she’d be doing that, and I don’t want my mind to get out of hand.
Just kind of echoes of when she first kissed someone else while we were together. He was asking her to do stuff like go to the cinema alone, she had no idea that’s what he was doing.
She’s had a male best friend all her life, and I think it gives her some crazy idea that that’s not what guys are after. I mean in some rare instances sure. But being a guy I know that’s not true most of the time.
Hi Patrick,
I still haven’t sent that text. I don’t know why. It’s almost funny, in a tragic kind of way. I don’t know if I’m already getting fucked over by her, I guess she would tell me. Then again I guess she wouldn’t considering the circumstance. I guess I hope that me asking about my friend and her didn’t drive her to realise that’s what it is. She always white lied when she had the opportunity, like when I asked her if she spoke to him about us, she said a bit. Of course the truth was loads.
Funny that through of all of this I had a feeling in my gut about that didn’t I. When I spoke to my counsellor I said that I had become paranoid because my gut had always turned out to be right, so I’d started to believe everything I imagined. Not sure what to think now.
Do you think she’d be talking to him about me all the time if something was going on? Honest opinion please.
Makes me wonder how much it is worth it honestly. She’s leaving for Gambia for 2 1/2 months mid June anyway.
I just wonder if I’m denying the reality of my situation. I don’t know.
By the way, you never answered my question about if your relationship had actually progressed anywhere (before your argument)?
I wrote a text to her that said ‘Maybe you’re right, this obviously isn’t happening right now. We both need to move on. Good luck in Gambia, you’ll be brilliant. I wish you all my love, take care.’ before writing my last one.
Or maybe just a text that says ‘I love you. But you know what, fuck you.’
She said to me on the phone that she would speak to me next week about getting stuff back. I wonder if it’s really done now, like should I just stop. We don’t have anything to swap back.
Hi Patrick.
Sorry to hear about your fight. Just remember why you tried so hard in the first place. Has your relationship progressed any further? Walk if you need to mind. Sounds like you’ve got some people against you too.
Well, if you move to London let me know, we can flat share haha.
I don’t do drugs anymore. Hadn’t done for months. That one time was enough for me.
I guess I am close to walking, but only in the sense that I don’t know what to do now to bring things back round. Finding those messages hurt a lot, whatever they mean.
Do you think I should send that text?
‘I thought we were trying because we felt it was worth it. We were taking things slowly, and it was getting better. Every time I saw you it felt better, and I was happy to work through things with you. Slowly. Together. It was OK to feel how we did, why would you feel any different right now. I felt like we were actually communicating better than ever, we’ve been sharing our feelings and haven’t argued at all, and still had a nice time.
You keep telling me all these weird things. You’ve changed one day, then not enough the next.
We’ve had our wobbles, but there isn’t anything to fear, it’s just you and me.
When I text Liam a while back I told him I felt like I had lost my soulmate, and he responded with a text about ‘Not believing in soulmates, there are over 7 billion people in the world, how can you be compatible with just one……’
Fair enough I guess, but I’ve never loved anyone as much as you, and it makes me wonder. In those moments like on Sunday when you had your head on my shoulder or your hand in mine, it was literally like nothing else mattered. Those moments are all that matter to me, and all it needed to be right now. No commitment, no pressure. Just easy. Why let fear get in the way. All these outside sources planting doubt in our minds. We didn’t go dissecting everything when we were together. I wanted to choose love over fear.
I want you, all of you. The rough with the smooth. You said you didn’t want to end up like Steph and Shane, and I wanted to tell you I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I’d love to keep going slow, but I guess you’ve made up your mind. I don’t know who/what is making you feel like this, but I’d like to understand and maybe I can help.
You said you felt like you might be making a mistake. If you want to come and see me this weekend, but keep it between you and me, that’d be cool.’
It’s probably worth mentioning she did say she doesn’t know if she’s making the biggest mistake by backing out, but she did say it shouldnt be this hard. I asked if she still loved me and she said yes. Said that she isn’t sure about her decision, but that she had to be.
Was going to text her this:
Felicity-Jane,
I don’t know what’s happening, but I thought we were trying because we knew it was worth it. We were taking things slowly, and it was getting better. Every time I saw you it felt better, and I was happy to work through things with you. Slowly. Together. It was OK to feel how we did, why would you feel any different right now. I felt like we were actually communicating better than ever, we’ve been sharing our feelings and haven’t argued at all, and still had a beautiful time. We broke up for a reason, so of course we have to change things to improve.
You keep telling me all these weird things. You’ve changed one day, then not enough the next.
Honestly, I got scared at the weekend because things are a little bad at home, my parents are going through it. Doesn’t give me much stability.
When I text Liam a while back I told him I felt like I had lost my soulmate, and he responded with a text about ‘Not believing in soulmates, there are over 7 billion people in the world, how can you be compatible with just one……’
Fair enough I guess, but I’ve never loved anyone as much as you, and it makes me wonder. In those moments like on Sunday when you had your head on my shoulder or your hand in mine, it was literally like nothing else mattered. Those moments are all that matter to me, and all it needed to be right now. No commitment, no pressure. Just easy. I’m sad we let fear get in the way. All these outside sources planting doubt in our minds. We didn’t go dissecting everything when we were together. I wanted to choose love over fear.
I want you, all of you. The rough with the smooth. What we had was real love, and I’m sad to see you lose sight of that. You said you didn’t want to end up like Steph and Shane, and I wanted to tell you I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I’d love to keep going slow, but I guess you’ve made up your mind.
Hi Kaila,
I haven’t commented on your thread as I don’t know if I’m in the best place to give advice honestly.
I would honestly leave it well alone. It’s awful I know, but what can you do. You guys weren’t together for all that long. I think that might be a big part of why you think he is so great, you never moved past the honeymoon phase. Maybe in time he’ll see the effort you made and come back. I’ve said before that you can become disillusioned by ‘getting your ex’ back.
I think doing anything right now will solidify his decision, if it wasn’t already solid. I know it hurts so bad, but you have to think about you right now. Truly examine what this has been doing to you, who you were before you even met him versus who you are now.
I was doing better myself before the ex and I had anything to do with each other. Now it feels like back to square one a little right?
That’s the risk you run in this task. You knew you could be hurt again, so recognise that that’s what’s happening to you right now. You will be ok. But for right now, honestly, I wouldn’t do anything.
You said about him doubting his decision, but he didn’t did he. You’ve got to be cool with that for now.
Hurts don’t it. I’m feeling it too. At least yours wasn’t a four year relationship, your first everything, and you know your ‘friend’ could be after them, living in your old home, turning the tide against you.
Well, just to update you.
She called me and ended it again.
She told me still loved me but it shouldn’t be this hard, and that her gut was telling her something. I tried to say that it wasn’t going to be easy straight away and it would take a little time and we could work through it together but she said she didn’t want to. Said I was surprised she was giving up so soon.
I guess that’s probably it for me now. Kind of ends it doesn’t if we tried again and it didn’t work.
I’m also aware that the conversation marred the weekend slightly. I know that there isn’t really room for those talks right now if you’re hoping to sort things out. We still had a very nice time, even with the conversation, but she did act weird around me today and mentioned that was the reason why just before we left.
But how to go about fixing it if you can’t do anything about it?
Should’ve just remained ignorant, it’s bliss as they say.
I find that I keep stopping myself from just enjoying her company.
Hi Patrick.
Very nice to hear from you. I could use your advice honestly.
Sorry to hear you’re having trouble finding a place, I’m sure you’ll get settled again soon. Nothing new for you I guess eh? How come you moved from where you were?
Slow and steady sounds like your best course of action.
In my position I also find myself in some sort of limbo. I invited her to come and hang with me for the day last weekend. We had a very nice day, kissed and had a very earnest conversation before she left.
I’ve just got back from a three day weekend in Devon with all our friends. We’d been texting all week, and both attended this weekend.
Lots of drinks and fun with friends. Her and I had a really nice time, but I messed up a little on Saturday morning. I’d been haunted by the weekend in Portsmouth, and felt like I needed to find out what was going on between her and my friend in Portsmouth. I went on her phone (feel ashamed), and what I found threw me a little. A great barrage of messages dating months back. I’ve been trying to make sense of what they meant, as she spoke to him often about me and he gave her advice about coming to see me etc. But at the same time some of the messages seemed very intense, like “You’re not mad at me are you?” “You haven’t been replying to me” “I didn’t cross a boundary?” etc.
After I had visited in Portsmouth she had sent a message saying “Charlie asked if he could come and visit and I couldn’t find a reason to say no. I just mean that I wasn’t staying at the flat while you were away to slyly bring Charlie to the flat”
“I just hate that I put you in that situation” etc etc.
Of course I immediately thought what you would obviously think. Yet she was also sending messages saying “When I hold hands/kiss him it’s like nothing else matters” etc. He replied saying that if she wants to be with me she should just lay all her cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may.
Lots of etcs I know, just keeping it non-wordy.
So I asked her. We went for a cigarette, and I said I was feeling anxious about us. I told her that I had noticed that her and he seemed very close when I visited Portsmouth and asked her to tell me if they have something going on. She said “It’s not like that, I promise.” We spoke about how after he and I had fallen out last time she stopped speaking to him, and missed doing so.
I know that he didn’t like me at all after we fell out, and it took more than a month before we were amicable again. What I wonder is if honestly he still doesn’t like me, and that’s what all those messages were about.
The fact that she spoke to him about me so much surely seems like it’s not what you would think, but there was so much else there too. I also noticed that all the things she says to me about how insecure she’s feeling about us are opinions that he had shared. E.g. She had said about how she wasn’t ready to move in with me again if we got back together, and he replied saying I guess if you don’t see it progressing then why would you continue. She told him we were trying again and he asked why would you have to try?
Low and behold it came out in our conversation on Saturday. She’d also said how she felt like she had lost her soulmate, and he said about “Not believing in soulmates, there are 7 billion people in the world…..”, which is what he said to me when I told him that I felt like I’d lost mine. Suddenly she talks to me about “us not being compatible.”
I guess I believe her if I have to, what I don’t know how to tackle is the fact that that she is listening to other people’s opinion and it’s clearly what’s stopping us from moving forward. My counsellor advised me that talking to other people might actually be a bad idea when I said how confused everyone’s else’s thoughts were making me. When you’re with someone you don’t talk about everything you do with them constantly.
Outside of all that, and after our talk, we continued to have a nice time, cuddled, kissed, danced, chilled together and said I love you.
So a mixed bag.
I’m trying to work out whether I’m being strung along. I really don’t mind them being friends, but it looks like she’s going to him for all the emotional support. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. If I wasn’t being discussed at such length I guess I’d be very concerned.
What do you think?
