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Hey Patrick,
You still out there? I’d really like to hear from you, hear how things are going. I presume they’re going pretty well seeing as you’re not on here anymore.
Either way, just wanted to say thanks for all the advice through all this.
You’re a good dude!
How do I make her see that I’m not chasing her around? She’s the one who’s been taking the lead.
Hello.
So things haven’t been going too well for me honestly. I find myself in an odd situation once again.
I ended up going down to Portsmouth to hang with her and my friends this weekend.
Friday night was nice, she put her legs on me. Slept together on the sofa that night. Saturday we went to some pubs, she was more affectionate as the evening went on. Saturday night we made the mistake of doing MDMA. It was an excellent night to be fair. Sunday felt terrible but everyone was chilling. Had a lovely time with her again when everyone went to bed. She was very on and off for the weekend, but particularly so on Sunday morning. I asked her if she was ok and she told me she was feeling anxious and that she felt we’d spent too much time together after spending no time toegther at all. I reminded her that she’d actually invited me down. Said sorry for whatever. Our friend needed to do his work so we packed up and headed out. Went down to the beach and just chilled. She was very quiet, and got upset a few times. Said it had all been overwhelming. Completely closed up on me. I would imagine it was to do with the MDMA as I wasn’t feeling amazing either.
I had asked her to come to Ben Howard with me this weekend and she agreed. When we got to the station she apologised for being odd. Then she actually said she wanted to try with me again, but said it was really hard because we broke up and that we shouldn’t have to try. I didn’t really know what to say. She then said she doesn’t want to come to Ben Howard. I said no worries, went home.
I called her yesterday just to apologise for the unusual weekend. I wanted to just explain that I had been a little awkward because of the smoking, and that I also didn’t actually know that she wanted to try again with me. The first part of the conversation was fine, when we were just making small talk. Nice actually. Then when I apologised for the weekend and tried to explain why I might have been acting odd, it took a turn for the worst. It actually made her upset. Started saying things like the weekend was all too much, which was true. Said she didn’t know what this is, didn’t know if it was going to work. She said she had to go, said enjoy your week. I get that she just wants things to be normal, but why on earth would ‘normal’ be just to ignore everything that happened the day before. I was worried about her and wanted to make sure she was OK. It’s very strange because she says we’re moving too fast, but she’s the one who thinks she can still talk to me like crap, and she’s the one who just fell back in to the old ruts. She’s the one who said I love you first.
The part that hurts me the most though, is that when she was sat next to me on Saturday, I saw a text that she had sent to her friend on the day she came to visit me. While she was texting me saying “I’m looking forward to seeing you :)” she had sent a text to her friend saying “I have to go to Charley’s :-/ meeerrrrhh”. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and guess that she’s hiding what’s going on between us. But what do I know.
I just actually feel very hurt to be honest. I’ve been really messed around the last week or so. She came down, she slept with me, told me she loves me. Invited me down to stay, slept with me several times. Then threw it all back in my face and acted as if I had made it all happen.
And here I am.
I can’t be bothered anymore. I have been nothing but gracious and forgiving and she has treated me like shit. It’s weird because she says things like “If I decide to try this again…” as if she doesn’t know it goes both ways.
I don’t even know what to do now to be honest.
Hi Patrick,
We did meet. She came to stay. It’s been excellent. She said ‘I love you’ before she left.
She brought weed with her though, and stupidly I agreed to smoke some. It’s funny because I felt so confident before she came down and she saw that. Then I smoked and it was bad for me, suddenly remembered why I stopped. Gives me such bad anxiety. I feel it for days afterward too.
As I say things were really nice, I’m slightly saddened that our reconciliation was marred by me smoking though, I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, felt like I’d be ok. I find that when anyone sees me being awkward when I smoke, I find it very hard to return to normality with that person even once the effects wear off. The usual invasive paranoid thoughts came with it too, at first I was just so happy she was with me, sighing with relief. Then after I smoked I got the usual worries about her, it really gets in the way of my love for her, like I’m not quite present in the moment. Before I smoked I didn’t even care if she’d been seeing someone else. Then when I did that’s all I thought about. It’s no good for me. I worry that I had associated her with those feelings and had finally let them go, then smoking just brought them all straight back. Too much like the old times. I think it really was poison for my relationship. Going to Portsmouth today to see her and my friends which will be nice though.
I wouldn’t be overly concerned with who she is texting. You weren’t before you are where you are now, so try not to get too ahead of yourself. Sounds like everything is headed your way, keep the ego out of it!
Oh and this is an interesting part. When me and my ex-girlfriend kissed, it was the first time during all of this that I had really given up on holding on to all the emotions of the break up. She had just been saying to me for hours how she couldn’t do it, so finally I thought to myself ‘Well you won’t see anymore emotion from me’. I thought enough is enough. I’m done with this. I had paid £57 ($85?) to go and see her, and had followed her for hours trying to reason with her, and it hadn’t worked.
Then everything turned around.
I think you’ve got to look at it this way.
When you were together, he didn’t bring so much anxiety in to your life, and the same goes in return. You didn’t bring anxiety and unsteadiness into his.
Now he mostly just makes you anxious, and as much it might feel like it that isn’t how love should feel, at least I don’t think so.
Both times I’ve seen my ex-girlfriend, she’s been hit by horrible anxiety afterwards. The same goes in return, but obviously the anxiety is more constant for me just like it is for you as we’re the ones trying to fix things.
The first time I saw her she left feeling confused, the second time I saw her we kissed for hours and it was really nice, it was the most calm I’ve felt in a long time. In those hours we laughed and she even brought up fond memories herself. But the next day I felt so anxious, and I didn’t expect her to feel it too.
Why would anyone want to come back to someone if all they do is drudge up those feelings. You need to be helping him find those positive memories. These are less intense, and that will feel odd to you because you’ve gotten used to feeling so torn. He should have his feelings in check before you get back together. If he feels fragile he will most certainly run for the hills. That’s the difficult part, you have to let each other go so that those feelings do actually go away. Humans are funny like that with emotions, you can just sense it in the other person. Letting go of all of that feels like a big risk and it is in a lot of respects, but it’s what needs to happen. The Toronto Date Doctor site talks about building a new situation in which the other person feels safe with you, and can let their guard down. You have to be in it for the long run, it’s going to be hard, and it’s never going to happen straight away. It might feel like you won’t speak for months, have one coffee and then move in together but that’s not how these things go haha. That’s just us fantasising.
When you think about it objectively, if part of you worries that outside of all those very intense emotions there isn’t anything else then it would be worth considering whether the relationship is actually worth reconciling.
And please don’t regret anything. We all know that we ‘could’ have done things differently, but what does that bring you apart from blaming yourself. I know full well that had I sent a text just saying “I think we both need to move on etc etc” and then gone no contact then things ‘could’ be more in my favour. Or not. But the thing is, I didn’t do that, because just like you I have feelings and we should not hold ourselves accountable for having them.
React sensibly to every situation, take your time and think things through with a calm mind. For you.
Change your mindset from ‘What should I have done?’ or ‘There’s nothing I can do’. Instead at every setback take a deep breath and think to yourself ‘What can I do next?’
The coffee will be fine, by the way. Just let him come to you. Don’t text and call if he is around and not responding to your messages.
Kaila don’t freak woman! Start recognising your behaviour patterns. Be calm. Be kind to yourself and be calm. Stop writing it on here and start doing it.
Read Patrick’s message. Then read it again. Read the messages I’ve sent you.
Literally, the only thing you have to do is be calm enough to speak your mind without the need to beg and plead. To be able to talk about normal things.
This idea of getting him cannot become your whole life. You need to live your life with the hope of getting him back. He will notice.
Indifferent, but hopeful.
Show him that you’ve changed, but that you’ve changed for you and not for anyone else.
Hi Patrick,
You know I thought about what you said, and maybe I’m not quite ready myself. I was so anxious on Friday that I turned my phone off while spending time with the family.
Turned it back on, and she had text asking if I wanted to hang out. Unfortunately as our texts were so sporadic yesterday she isn’t coming down today because we didn’t arrange anything. She said she had work in her texts but was vague and it totally shook me. Normal anxious thoughts. What deadline does she have mid-easter holiday, she’s playing me etc etc.
I spoke to her on the phone this morning though and it was nice. Turns out she has forms which she needs to get signed by lecturers for Friday and she doesn’t know if she can come away as of yet. I have proposed a couple of days next week with a fun day out (boat trip down the canal, kept that secret though) while my parents are away. She said she is going to try and let me know as soon as she knows. She sounded excited about the surprise, I think. I hope things with her work fall into place so she can come and have fun.
For me though again I’ve just been rocked by those anxious thoughts these past few days. She said that she has been feeling odd for the past few days. She was watching some odd talks on Sex Love & Secrets on our joint Netflix account which spun me, but I guess she may have been looking for answers like me.
So Patrick, how do you feel now? It must feel like a great weight has been lifted. You are on the road to something truly new. It’s madness. Do you think it will be strange learning to forget this stage in your life? When you no longer post on here, or have to consider your moves like a chess player anymore. I know that you won’t, but don’t let the re-coupling of you both let you fall into the same old ruts.
Still no reply.
I shouldn’t have asked her to come down. Doesn’t matter now.
I won’t hear from her tomorrow, she’ll bail last minute on Friday. Call things off again.
I just wish I could tell her I’m feeling all the same things as her. I keep getting hit by this crazy anxiety day to day, but I don’t have a reason for it. I think it’s because of the uncertainty of it all, and because I love her.
Whatever’s happening at your end sounds very positive Patrick. A little strange admittedly, but positive!
Thanks for your replies guys.
So she text me last night and apologised for panicking. I replied this morning and said I understand. Said I was sorry too. Asked her how her day was yesterday.
No reply.
This is all very strange.
My parents are away next week, and I’d really like her to come down as we’d actually have some alone time just to be together. I can be me, and she can be herself.
It’s just that in the moments we were ‘together’ (or whatever that was) again everything was so calm. It felt natural and it felt right.
Hi Patrick,
I need your advice. We met up yesterday. It was a very strange day.
To cut a long story as short as possible. She was reluctant to do much at all being so emotional. We ended up in a park, had the same kind of conversation as before where she said she couldn’t do it. Spoke about her friend and her breakup and how impulsive she was. Tried holding her hand and she cried and said it was too much.
We went for soup at the cafe in the park, kept trying to chat about normal stuff. Then we wandered around and she couldn’t decide where she wanted to go. I suggested many fun places, but she wouldn’t accept as she felt too emotional and didn’t want to be around anyone else. Fair enough. She asked if we could just go sit on a bench, we spoke for a while about normal stuff and she put her head on my shoulder, removed it, tried again.
It started raining, so we went to a coffee shop. Sat for a while, held hands a bit. Then she asked me questions again, she makes it unavoidable. I was done getting upset by this point. I said I would like to know where we stand, whether we are trying to make this work or whether we call it off. I’d already said that if she’s not in this at all then we stop sending three kisses, stop talking, close our joint account. She told me that some days she is fine and on other when she has bad days at uni, feels low etc she misses me so much. I said calmly that she’s just using me as a crutch if that’s the case. She said that’s not fair and that’s why she was calling it off for right now.
She was really upset by that point. I decided I had no more emotion to give her. I rolled us some cigarettes and said we should leave. She asked to get off the main road. We sat on some steps in a random side street, and I basically just stopped entertaining it all. I couldn’t anymore. I just sat and listened, but had no replies really. I can’t remember what was said, but I said ‘I should go then’. She said she didn’t want me to hate her, still no reply to give. I was basically at breaking point, just numb.
She mentioned about her friend again, and I told her that she is her own person, and I am not her friend’s ex. Then she started talking about our relationship again, said she didn’t want to argue like we did, and how we hadn’t changed when we had a break. I said that’s because we didn’t break up, we had a break, but we didn’t break up.
And then it all changed, we had a very long hug. Another, and then we kissed. Kissed some more. For the next two hours we walked around and hugged and kissed and laughed and chatted and held hands. She came to the train station with me and waited with me, we kissed lots. She hid her face against mine, and in the nape of my neck. As my train pulled in we kissed so passionately. Said good bye and I left.
Exchanged some texts today. But then it all went pear-shaped again. I spoke to her on the phone, the first fifteen minutes were really nice. I told her I wanted her to come and see me this weekend. I thought it better to put a plan down now and then leave it be you know? She said yes. I mentioned that my parents were away next week so we’d have some time alone. She then apologised if she was being odd, and then said she had been feeling really anxious for the past ten minutes. I said I had felt anxious this morning too. Started getting upset, said she doesn’t know if she can do this, said she needed space. Said speaking to me didn’t feel natural. I didn’t really know what to say, said I was tired. I was going to say something, and she kept asking me to, but I said it didn’t matter. Normal fight for you stuff, didn’t matter. Odd silences for too long, I just said ‘OK’ to the things she said, but I couldn’t hide my frustration. She said she was going to go, I said OK.
And here I am. I don’t know what to think, but I think now it will be over. I overshot my ground getting frustrated. I may not have said anything untoward, but it was certainly conveyed.
One step forward, two steps back.
Hi Kaila,
You are thinking too much. Much like me. Don’t overthink things.
Without putting a dampener on things, I don’t think there’s much point to the mind games most of the time. When you were first together did you do these kind of things to get his attention? If you’re talking about something potentially coming up in your schedule, then he probably will do the same. You said you were unsure about the weather and would let him know so he responded with the same.
I’m not saying feel bad about it or anything, I just don’t know if it matters? Or works?
You have his time as people as have said previously. I think being overly present on this site can sometimes lock you in that insecure mindset. I do it too, every time I get somewhere I start questioning it like crazy.
That’s what has stop. That’s still your worries from the breakup interfering. It wouldn’t be there if you’re in the right frame of mind to get him back. Which I’m sure you are, just keep your head on straight. Be cool.
