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So she called me, and we’re meeting tomorrow. I’m going to her. There was a weird mood though. I was admittedly really nervous. She was very hungover. Just upsetting as she started talking about her night out and I asked a few questions and it felt like she thought I was being paranoid again. Eurgh.
It’s just trying to keep that hope going that is so difficult. She is a realist, and her mood didn’t sound like someone who wanted to reconcile. The reality of it just being me who has all the faith kind of hit me today.
I’d really appreciate your input Patrick.
I felt like that the other day too and then realized I was actually overthinking. 3 months of being broken up, of me learning that there are endless possibilities, that I cannot (!) assume the worse and there I go again, thinking he wasn’t valuing me or being with me. So, try not to do it. But I do understand… If you think maybe the best thing is to delay it until next week, do so. Say you have to do something else maybe that will shake her a little. I did that with mine yesterday x) kinda… Can you read and see what you think? Tell me what do you think I should do when I meet him next week. I really like your input california. and patricks too!
Hi Patrick,
I need your advice. We met up yesterday. It was a very strange day.
To cut a long story as short as possible. She was reluctant to do much at all being so emotional. We ended up in a park, had the same kind of conversation as before where she said she couldn’t do it. Spoke about her friend and her breakup and how impulsive she was. Tried holding her hand and she cried and said it was too much.
We went for soup at the cafe in the park, kept trying to chat about normal stuff. Then we wandered around and she couldn’t decide where she wanted to go. I suggested many fun places, but she wouldn’t accept as she felt too emotional and didn’t want to be around anyone else. Fair enough. She asked if we could just go sit on a bench, we spoke for a while about normal stuff and she put her head on my shoulder, removed it, tried again.
It started raining, so we went to a coffee shop. Sat for a while, held hands a bit. Then she asked me questions again, she makes it unavoidable. I was done getting upset by this point. I said I would like to know where we stand, whether we are trying to make this work or whether we call it off. I’d already said that if she’s not in this at all then we stop sending three kisses, stop talking, close our joint account. She told me that some days she is fine and on other when she has bad days at uni, feels low etc she misses me so much. I said calmly that she’s just using me as a crutch if that’s the case. She said that’s not fair and that’s why she was calling it off for right now.
She was really upset by that point. I decided I had no more emotion to give her. I rolled us some cigarettes and said we should leave. She asked to get off the main road. We sat on some steps in a random side street, and I basically just stopped entertaining it all. I couldn’t anymore. I just sat and listened, but had no replies really. I can’t remember what was said, but I said ‘I should go then’. She said she didn’t want me to hate her, still no reply to give. I was basically at breaking point, just numb.
She mentioned about her friend again, and I told her that she is her own person, and I am not her friend’s ex. Then she started talking about our relationship again, said she didn’t want to argue like we did, and how we hadn’t changed when we had a break. I said that’s because we didn’t break up, we had a break, but we didn’t break up.
And then it all changed, we had a very long hug. Another, and then we kissed. Kissed some more. For the next two hours we walked around and hugged and kissed and laughed and chatted and held hands. She came to the train station with me and waited with me, we kissed lots. She hid her face against mine, and in the nape of my neck. As my train pulled in we kissed so passionately. Said good bye and I left.
Exchanged some texts today. But then it all went pear-shaped again. I spoke to her on the phone, the first fifteen minutes were really nice. I told her I wanted her to come and see me this weekend. I thought it better to put a plan down now and then leave it be you know? She said yes. I mentioned that my parents were away next week so we’d have some time alone. She then apologised if she was being odd, and then said she had been feeling really anxious for the past ten minutes. I said I had felt anxious this morning too. Started getting upset, said she doesn’t know if she can do this, said she needed space. Said speaking to me didn’t feel natural. I didn’t really know what to say, said I was tired. I was going to say something, and she kept asking me to, but I said it didn’t matter. Normal fight for you stuff, didn’t matter. Odd silences for too long, I just said ‘OK’ to the things she said, but I couldn’t hide my frustration. She said she was going to go, I said OK.
And here I am. I don’t know what to think, but I think now it will be over. I overshot my ground getting frustrated. I may not have said anything untoward, but it was certainly conveyed.
One step forward, two steps back.
Hi charlie
It sounds really complex buddy, I think from an outsiders view she is very confused and does not know what to do at all.
She’s very hot and cold from reading what you put but then again if she really didn’t want anything what is she doing kissing you and holding your hand I think deep down she wants you just a bit confused at the mo,
I would give her some space maybe wait a couple of days before talking to her again. Hope your ok man
Charlie, just chill. I told you a while back that it would take a lot longer than you think or hope.
Her head is all over the place still. But one thing is fairly sure, she wants you.
So why is she acting strange? Well it would be very odd if she didn’t. Wouldn’t it? Imagine she just jumped straight back into a relationship. You would probably take a step back and wonder what the hell was happening. You might not think you would but you would.
Something changed when you said about a break and not broken up. I wonder what went through her head. Maybe she was struggling to know herself what was going on all the time. Afraid of losing you or that you would hate her or whatever. I guarantee that whatever amount of guessing we make we will still not figure out exactly what she is thinking. But that doesn’t matter.
She kissed you and held hands and did all that. If you were told that a week ago you would be dancing with joy. But yet you are back being depressed and trying to look for answers were there are none.
I haven’t come anywhere close to kissing my ex. It’s a bit frustrating at times but I don’t really care. She is enjoying being with me and seeing the ‘new’ me. Every time we meet she seems to tell me more or we get closer. And every day that passes we both realise that the old relationship is dead. She still needs time to sort herself out. She didn’t give herself time because she jumped into the rebound. She still brings up my old crap from time to time. Today she sent a photo of me drunk with a beer bottle while all around me were normal. I text back that I wish the day would come that people see me for who I am now and not for how much different I am to before. That seemed to do something with her. I got a flood of texts about how much she likes me now and she knows I am a new me and I am much better etc etc.
My point is that we see each other about 4 nights per week. I slept in the bed with her a few nights. Apart from some back rubs, we haven’t gotten close to kissing. So Rome wasn’t built in a day Charlie.
You have done so well. You might have unlocked something in her when she suddenly changed. You may never know what caused that. The next few weeks and months will be up and down. They will be exciting and frustrating in equal measure. But that’s because you are still expecting things to go back to the way they were. But you shouldn’t want that. You should want something even better.
If this was a new girl (hypothetically speaking), you would be happy enough with the kissing and would be all cool with the texts and phone calls. So act like that. It is the start of something new. She wants to see you but wants to take it slow. They are stubborn creatures. They get a notion in their heads and it’s almost impossible to change their minds.
So play along with the game. Don’t put pressure on her. If she says she feels odd then that’s fine. It’s natural. Let her feel odd. That’s no reflection on you, just her own feelings and mixed up emotions.
Give her the time she needs. She is yours and you know it and have felt it for a long time. So be cool. You are there for her. Try to get her to visit and vice versa but in a relaxed but exciting way. Don’t make it sound like a chore or that she has to. Make her think it was her idea.
You are at the start of a new relationship now Charlie. So treat it like that. And enjoy the time as the excitement builds and the flirting. But plan ahead privately. Get your plan to leave Hobbiton for the big smoke started. Start applying for jobs. You can always say no! Think of holiday destinations.
Well done on getting the kisses. I am a bit jealous if I am honest. So keep cool now. And allow yourself to get excited a little bit. And remember that the road will have a few bumps. She will do strange things that will confuse you. But stay on the road. The destination is in sight
Oh california and patrick!! I am so jealous! 🙁 I’m gonna be with him saturday! Please give me tips… its been 3 months since we broke up. Exactly 3. And we were together for 5 months :/ it scares me so much… Here is my thread. Please tell me what you think I should do. I’m afraid he is just living his life, forgetting about me slowly and someday I will get the shock of my life :/
And california, just give her some space really 🙂 I know it’s hard being so close… But at most it was two steps forward, one back
check your thread. I left you advice/tips
Thanks for your replies guys.
So she text me last night and apologised for panicking. I replied this morning and said I understand. Said I was sorry too. Asked her how her day was yesterday.
No reply.
This is all very strange.
My parents are away next week, and I’d really like her to come down as we’d actually have some alone time just to be together. I can be me, and she can be herself.
It’s just that in the moments we were ‘together’ (or whatever that was) again everything was so calm. It felt natural and it felt right.
I just wish I could tell her I’m feeling all the same things as her. I keep getting hit by this crazy anxiety day to day, but I don’t have a reason for it. I think it’s because of the uncertainty of it all, and because I love her.
Whatever’s happening at your end sounds very positive Patrick. A little strange admittedly, but positive!
What’s helping me with the uncertainty is trying to do my best to just accept it… I know it makes you you feel anxious and everything because you worry, but try to let it go! You can’t control what she does or how she feels, but you CAN control what you do, how you act 🙂 So focus on that 🙂 You seem like a guy who’s got things together so no matter how she reacts, you’ll be able to deal with it.
Still no reply.
I shouldn’t have asked her to come down. Doesn’t matter now.
I won’t hear from her tomorrow, she’ll bail last minute on Friday. Call things off again.
Hello Charlie.
Are you meeting her tomorrow? As I said before, try not to read too much into her actions. I know it is extremely frustrating but she must be still all over the place.
If she didn’t want to be with you she wouldn’t have dreamed of kissing you. She just may not be ready yet to start fully again. Are you ready?
On my side, I mentored to her on Wednesday night that I was thinking that day of moving away. Canada maybe. I doubt I would but it was a thought so I told her. She said she wild like me to stay. Thanks I said, but I can’t base my life around us being friends and hanging out with you.
Yesterday morning I left hers and went to work. She was busy that day she said. “Private stuff”. I think that means hanging out with our old circle of friends.
We didn’t text a word until today. She started a chat with that she shouldn’t have told me not to go. I of course thought Oh crap. Where is this going. There was a pause.
She went on to say that wants to be with me. She just isn’t ready yet for a relationship as she hasn’t gotten over all my crap with the drinking. She says she really believes that I’ve changed this time but just needs a bit more time. She said that when I’m not with her now she feels lost and lovely. She feels like we are soul mates and everything feels right when we are together.
She said that’s it’s not fair for her to tell me not to go anywhere but that she feels physically sick at the thoughts of it. She said the thoughts of losing me forever (which it would be she says) frighten her so much. But she understands that I have to do what I want to do. But she just wanted to let me know that.
She doesn’t want me thinking that she is not starting anything with me because she is waiting on someone better or anything like that, because I’m the one for her. But she needs more time to be prepared and to not be afraid of the same happening again.
For my part I told her that I knew that she Was still hurting. And that I am not on the look out for anyone new. I said that I liked being with her but that evenings apart with friends were healthy for us (I surprised myself saying that. 6 months ago I lived in her pocket).
I told her I had feelings for her too and being honest I agreed that jumping back in might not be the greatest idea.I did leave her thinking though by saying that if I left it wouldn’t be until summer. I suppose that was kind of my way of telling her to make her mind up by then.
Anyway, fairly big statements from her I think. Not much chat after that. A few texts. But she did say that she misses me.
And to think that yesterday I was in Bad humour wondering why she wasn’t texting.
You see Charlie, don’t come to conclusions Because you can be sure that we’ll come to the wrong conclusions. That girl of yours is more than likely thinking the very same way. I wouldn’t suggest you saying that you were going to leave. It just suited for me because I could do that no problem in the morning. (We irish abroad are like nomads).
Let me know how it goes
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