Belle

Well, there have been a few changes over the last few days, ex and I have exchanged a few emails and his tone has changed, the anger is subsiding.

I reached out and he responded straight away which followed a series of mails which basically evolved around how each other felt but they were written in a slightly forceful way. They were emails that each of us told each other how we felt in the last few months of the relationship and certain times throughout our relationship.
I’ve taken on the role of agreeing with him that it would never work (this is false on my behalf). I’ve managed to get my feelings of frustration over and he’s responded.
He said if I want to carry on expressing my feelings he will read my email and re read if necessary. He told me he has no problem with that.

This morning I wanted to ask him about his contribution he makes towards my sons school fees. I asked him if he would be carrying on but I would not be surprised if he did because why pay for a child you don’t see.

His response was, that why he has a job he will continue to pay.
I followed this by asking him why? He’s not responded to this question.
Out of all the mails he’s responded like mega quick! For the final question he’s not responded as yet. It’s like he doesn’t want to give his reason.

So my summery is that by agreeing with the break up and actually instigating that it would never work he’s come out his shell a but more.

I actually don’t want him to respond to my last question because it makes me wonder that he’s still got feelings and can’t cut off yet.

I’ve got this date tomorrow just to change subject and to be honest I don’t want to go. We are meeting half way and we live 2 hours apart which is t too much of a problem for me because I don’t want anything serious. But the place he wants to meet is like really posh and nice but the drive for me is 1 hr 15 mins away while his drive is 45mins. I’m kinda thinking I don’t want to drive an extra half an hour more than him and thinking of putting him off!
What’s your thoughts people?!

Unimare,
You write in a way that really expresses emotion. I think you’re so incredibly brave, I don’t think I could have a conversation like that with my ex, I don’t think I will ever be ready and rather just move on. I feel I’ve cried a thousand times and just so tired of the emotions.
As atea said, even though we feel we’ve wasted years with our ex’s in fact we have many memories and great experiences with our ex’s. Yes it feels wasted time and I know exactly what you mean. It’s the chance we take when we start relationships that it either works or it doesn’t and we will time over take that risk, other option is staying single for ever just in case we get it wrong and waste more years.

Well done for being so brave!

Atea,good news you are happier! It does make life easier that’s for sure. Maybe this new guy is helping too. As you say it’s another step forward in preparing for the next great guy!
I too hope and wait for my ex to realise the special relationship we had together and come back. We shall wait it out together atea!

Mbrad86
It’s quite clear you need to stop carrying on with the contact, act polite and discuss only your daughter. I would explain you need some space and time to come to terms with the break up.
Constantly seeing her will not raise her feelings towards you any more if you drip feed her.

Unimare
Good luck with the meeting today, be polite and open. Only unless you really want to be cold I would just be platonic so he has no bad aftertaste on leaving you.

Aphrodite
He’s blaming you 100%, just like my ex. It’s an immature way of dealing with things and very typical in early days of a break up. Once things start to move on they may have the intelligence to actually see that it takes two to make a relationship work and two to break one.
My ex didn’t really listen to me, he only listened to what he wanted to hear and not the really important stuff I always tried to explain to him.
Interestingly enough, my ex too has told me I’ve scared him! It’s like what the hell… How!? Apparently when I went to his mums…. Yeah right… Did I turn up with a shot gun or something?! Ridiculous!
I think it’s their way of coming up with something. I asked him the Monday he came around what part of that was I this mad person he so claims!? It’s prefabricated bollocks.
I think in long term relationships we all put up with behaviour thanks not desirable because we get used to it and then one day something snaps. This is obviously what’s happened in his case. Like in mine. At the time it’s bearable then after it’s realised and the relationship breaks down then the thoughts of the past in a negative way comes rushing in.
Yes it’s a lack of communication, 100%. If things were addressed at the time then things could have been different but sometimes people arnt open at the time to recieve this.

All relationships have these issues and it depends on the couple of how it gets resolved if at all. Sometimes it’s left too long where it can’t be resolved. After time though when everyone has healed it then can be discussed.

Try not to let his words upset you, he’s not at that stage to be able to reflect how he contributed to the break up.

I’ve only just started to reflect how my ex has made a huge contribution to the break up. He made out it was all my fault, blaming me for everything and more!
I have emailed him a few times to explain exactly my side of things and gave him detailed incidents of the times that I tried to explain things to hi for him to just trample over my thoughts. Most opinions I had he used to say I was wrong. When your dealing with someone like that it’s almost impossible to communicate with them because it’s a one way conversation. He used to talk over me a lot too when things got heated so again I felt I was never heard.

Yes Aphrodite, I would contact your ex as and when you need to, you’ve done your NC and you’ve a lot in your system you need to get out. The least he can do is listen and take on board, it’s the least he can do for the 10 years you invested in him!

Just the title made me smile! I long for eternal sunshine! Lol

I shall check it out

I agree Mike,
How can people move on so quick? I can understand if someone was so incredibly unhappy and was a long drawn out ending but if it was pretty much ok, still having a laugh together then how can that person just move on!? Strange.
Sharing a life together to suddenly separate and not to make much contact. It just makes you wonder what it’s all about and are there people who can just split and go separate ways and others like us that are left in pieces.

Change of subject slightly here but I’ve been on this dating site for a few weeks and this guy contacted me, seemed ok ish and he didn’t really want to exchange loads of emails but he gave me his number. Been wondering whether to call or not all morning and spur of the moment decided to call his number which yes he answered but we’ve arranged to speak later as he was just about to go into a meeting.
Sounds like a nice guy.
I put phone down and burst into tears, not really sure why. Maybe a realisation that maybe I’m not ready for all this? Even if i say to myself it’s just for fun, to date, nothing serious etc. why am I so sad and tearful. I’ve no desire to reach out to my ex though which is very good!

Hope all is well with everyone. How was the date atea?

Atea,

Me too! I feel so much better, have spring in step and wish my ex knew how I feel.
I guess by NC they will soon know that we are no longer contacting them and that’s when it will dawn on them that we really are getting happier and as you know that’s when the penny will drop and they will then start thinking about us more, wondering if we are moving on ourselves. That’s when we will hear from them.
For you, well your ex could contact you at any time, I don’t think we can predict as it could be very random. As for me, I’ve a long wait, maybe in 3 months!?! Haha. My ex will def contact me, but it can’t see it any time soon.

How nice to have a mani/pedi and blow dry! Pushing the boat out I see! Lucky guy. Hope you have a good time tonight. Just enjoy it for what it is. Again, your ex is doing it so why not you!
Does your ex know about your new guy?

Mike,

Just a word of advice about the tarot, do your research, look out for physic fairs. I paid a fair bit of money, they don’t come cheap for a good one. Don’t just go to the first one you find as there are a lot of rubbish ones out there. Have an open mind too, the reading I had last week never gave firm answers but it’s given me enough to be able look at things how they are because I was already convinced my ex will get in touch and the reading confirmed that but also it confirmed it will never be an easy ride which again knew but it was confirmed.
I have in the past had some spot on readings and yes I have faith in them.

Mike, you are going not going to spent the rest of your life alone! You’ve no idea how wrong you are in your belief! Go for a reading and it will relax you and open you up to other opportunities!
You will def meet someone! The thing is is that when you meet that person it’s up to all your experience and intuition to decide whether it’s right or not. As they say, love is blind and we need to use all our lessons learnt to be selective and pick the right person, sometimes the right person might not actually look like what we expect so keep the mind open and never judge a book by its cover.

No Aphrodite didn’t reveal her lookalike or otherwise. I beleive she wants to keep anynomous as much as poss. I might be wrong but it’s the impression I get? Aphrodite? Am I right?

Soooo glad valentines day is done and dusted!

Unimare,

I guess this is what the time apart does once the emotions start to die down.
I don’t think any of us should settle for second best however I know not all boxes can be ticked but on a fundamental level certain needs have to be met. D sounds like your ex, unable to express or show much emotion. I had a Rollercoaster relationship with him years ago and however much I loved him he couldn’t express himself or touch me the way I needed. My needs weren’t met. He would keep me there because by email and text he would be able to emotionally give me what I needed but soon as in person it was like total opposite.

My ex has different issues and what makes me believe at the moment it won’t work is that he’s in denial and I don’t think he will ever address his issues because he’s not in tune with himself. No matter how much I improve myself my ex will always remain where he is, until that time when he is forced to understand his issues. It might take him to get into another relationship or two and be heart broken to see that he’s the cause of the breakdowns.

So, number one box to be checked is emotional independence! Number 2 is to be tactile.