Baseballguy1996

@Phil

Lmao that sucks. Most of it I was just venting anyway. I feel quite a bit better now.

First off, sorry for such a long post. I just read it back…. And I was pretty dramatic lol. You don’t have to answer the questions, they were more rhetorical than anything else. I normally write this stuff on paper but if feels good writing it and knowing someone will read it, even if it isn’t her. Anyway, thanks for reading Phil.

I’m having a bit of a bad day, so I decided to come on here to vent instead of doing something stupid. I’m on day 11 of NC and she still hasn’t even tried to contact me. I don’t understand how you can be having a serious conversation with someone and just stop and be ok with it. It bugs me that I’m the one who can’t sleep at night and I did nothing wrong (in this situation at least.

I don’t know why I still love her. She’s been awful towards me and not even treated me like a human being. How can she just cut me off like that? I’m w big boy, if she doesn’t want to talk to me why can’t she just tell me? She’s a coward and she doesn’t even have the courage to tell me those things. She knows she’s being a jerk and she thinks if she ignores it that it will get better. Maybe she’s right, she has nothing to lose. She treats everyone else well so they will probably assume I did something wrong. That bugs me.

Maybe she thinks she’s too good for me? I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, huh? There was a long tin I thought she was too good for me but I’ve realized as soon as she starts thinking that, the opposite is true. She’s starting college in about a week or so and I’m afraid she will ‘test the market.’ She says those aren’t her intentions but how can I believe anything she says at this point? It makes me wonder if she’s lied to me in the past, I gave her my full trust.

When my best friend first moved to my high school I thought she had a crush on him (we weren’t officially dating but we’re committed to each other.) I didn’t make a big deal out of it but I let her know how I felt. She asked him for his number and texted him anyway saying she was just friends. I never made a huge deal about it and He didn’t text back ever, he is a true best friend. Also, when he was having a tough time she signed a note to him saying she loved him and was there for him, this was before she told me she loved me and it always bothered me. I never said a word. I told myself I was being selfish and that it was just a good gesture in her part. I’m having second thoughts. I know she never cheated on me with him because he would never do that to me. But if she would have, doesn’t that make it just as bad as if she had? Maybe I’m just being irrational.

I feel weak today. Insecure. I feel no attraction toward her but I still love her. How does that work? I feel abused even though I’m not sure if I’ve been abused to the extent that I feel. Is that wrong? Is she just a scapegoat? I feel like calling her and just letting it loose, breaking all bridges and never looking back. I want to see her cry. I feel like a monster. I want her to know my pain.

I feel abandoned. She’s been given so much, I’ve had to work for everything in my life. Our relationship was a microcosm of this for both of us. I cherished her, she took me for granted, and there’s no worse feeling than being under appreciated.

Sorry my responses have been a little bit erratic Phil, I’ve been pretty swamped. Although that’s probably a good thing though.

What a coincidence that your coach lives on the same street as you! I agree that her weight shouldn’t have mattered to you and good for you that it didn’t. Not too many people can look past outward appearance. Yeah, my 150 is pretty good for 5’8″. I wish I could lose 5 lbs of fat and add about 10 of muscle though.

It’s good that you’re still ‘friends’ with that ex anyway though lol. Better to get along than not anyway. And at least now you know time heals all, even if it does take awhile. I hope it won’t take as long this time for you, and I’m pretty sure it won’t. You seem to have a pretty good handle on your emotions.

Looking good on the TV man! You’re practically famous! Lol I’ve always been a tech/math nerd, I guess it makes sense I’m going into mechanical engineering, huh? Lol and yeah there is no cell phone repair shops in the rural area that I live and I think there’s only one in Fargo/Moorehead (where I go to college). I’ve repair friends and families phones before so I figure I might as well do it for a little money too lol. It also seems like a thing an aspiring mechanical engineer would do and probably a good thing for a résumé.

You and I sound a lot alike. I’m kind of a loner too. I have friends but normally we only hang out when they ask me to, I guess normally I’m not the initiator. I also have trust issues and my ex isn’t helping that lol. I fall hard too.

I agree I can’t wait for her, she doesn’t deserve that. I probably will start hanging my friends more, I’m not one to go make new friends easily.

Having a little bit of a tough day. She hasn’t even texted me, that’s kind of messed up, ya know? But I’m pretty sure the only reason I want her to text me is so I can ignore her lol. Feeling a little childish right now lol. I just don’t get it, I gave her my trust again and she just treats me like crap. I just wish I could forget about her.

Hey, Phil.

I’m feeling a little better today, which is good. She hasn’t tried to contact me which in itself makes me a little upset but it’s probably best that she hasn’t. Im not sure what to think at this point. I’m conflicted. Part of me wants to walk away but that would be very difficult knowing she loves me. Maybe I’ll start to test out the market to see what I find? See if she really is who I want to be with me. It’s somewhat of a scary thought since she’s the only person I’ve been in a relationship with. Or maybe I should wait longer.

Anyway, enough of me lol. How are you doing?

Yeah I’m planning on strict NC unless she directly says she wants to talk seriously and stop playing these games. She takes the easy way out and just apologizes for her actions and never changes. It really hurts me because I see how she treats everyone else with such kindness and respect and then she can’t even give me a phone call. It bugs me that everyone sees her as such a great person but then she can treat me this way. She has not changed a bit in 5 months, she thinks she has but she hasn’t. And because of her mistakes and her decisions, who gets thrown under the bus? Not her, me.

At some point I have to ask myself, is this the kind of person I want to be with? I mean the answer is no, I don’t want to be with this version of her but I don’t know what changed. I know the real her is in there. I’m not quitting yet but it’s getting closer and closer to that.

NC starts today, it will be tough but I have to start moving on at least somewhat just to protect myself. I gave her my trust not to hurt me again and she blew it. She didn’t even say goodbye or anything when we were texting last night so I know she will text me sometime again, probably tonight and it’s going to be very hard not to text back but I mustn’t. This will be one of the hardest things I’ve done