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Hey everyone,
I sent the letter, it felt really good for me to air my feelings and thoughts.
I asked him to really think about a reply, but made it clear he had no obligation to even reply.
He told me he intended to reply but may take some time, which is fine.He messaged me today to tell me a really close family member is having surgery soon because of illness. He told me he is all alone but didn’t know why he was telling me, he just thought I should know.
I have replied asking when and where the surgery is to take place and that I couldn’t even begin to understand what he is going through.
Should I offer to help? I feel like I should but I don’t want to ruin anything in the way of hard work that has lead to us speaking again.
So I have decided it is probably for the best I don’t meet with him tomorrow.
Thank you for the advice as it has made me think differently about it. I have written a letter of sorts and intend to email him it. I have outlined that I am reluctant to promise him time but have said I don’t intend to start seeing anyone soon. I have said that we misinterpret actions and behaviors of one another and I need to make an effort to correct this. I havn’t really put anything about the break up but have mentioned how I felt when we met to see if we could be friends. Also his understanding of the need to friends first to prove we can be different from where things went wrong.
It’s pretty frank but I don’t want him to think it is being sent in anger or that it is some sort of attack. I have stated this at the bottom of the letter.
I would appreciate it if anyone has any advice on what else I could put in to show I’m just being honest in an attempt to clear the air without making him mad at me?
Thank you lovely people 🙂 x
Hey thank you for feedback. I honestly feel like I’m going insane.
I feel I want to see him in person to tell him not to mess with me like this ever again. I question his motives! What the actual hell is he playing at?
It’s just all when I have really important stuff to do for my studies as well, it’s as if he just knows when the worst time will be.
No emotion! I’m not a doormat and I deserve a man who will treat me with value and respect. Saying that I’m crushed and feel exactly the same as the first time. No sleep last night, not eaten and keep crying… Fml
Well, I have come to the conclusion that after the last email I received from the fab Kevin!
That even though me and my ex had love, we had no relationship…We went on for sooo long with no real support for one another, and he has in no way proved things would be any different in the last two- three weeks.
However I will still be going out on a friends ”date’ with him next week just to tell him things I feel now… Unless he gives me literally any reason not too.
It’s true women really do just love men that treat you like crap…I have an awesome guy, honestly chasing me about who is 100 x hotter than my ex… And all I can think about is my ex. I’m an idiot, this date on Sat had better make me feel totally different, I’m having a hair cut just before to make me feel different and am wearing new clothes. New me? :/
He is pretty fit though, has muscles, which he has been working on. He tells me these things… He does martial arts! and is learning to drive all since he met me… I’m not being big headed he honestly is, everyone has said who we hang round with. People have even tried to get us together but I’ve been like ‘nooo’ not into it right now… I’m horrid! He is really nice to me and I’m just like no I’d rather wait for this shit bag that may or may not be into me and maybe he’ll actually stick out uni this time… You know this third time, with all the dept and time… After he has moved hundreds of miles to actually go…
I wish I could just cut my emotion out and throw it away! That would be great.
I wouldn’t tell her your moving back, not until your actually there anyways and in a opportune moment. Like maybe when picking up your stuff one time…
Your going to be in a mentally ‘fit’ state when you meet her! Your going to look brilliant because of all the lifts you’ll be doing… And also the healthy eating, regularly (lots of spinach! Trust me I’m a nutritionist) Have plenty of orange juice and top up that vit D!
You my friend are going to be irresistible! You have confronted the things which lead to the break up… You have worked on yourself and now know you do not want to be treat as a doormat, you also know the steps you and your lady need to take to get back to being in a loving relationship… Your going to be great. You need to keep this in mind over the next few weeks when you will be in a situation where it is really easy to contact, then meet with not much effort.
She is a lady at the end of the day (although you know her best and I may be wrong) but she may need to take things slow, for a while. Respect that. I REALLY want you to do well and get her back man! You have shown some really good emotional growth, personally and whilst growing for your lady, you are the man though and should initiate but respect wishes and emotion.
I wish you all the very best and I am eager to hear updates. 😀 Your on the right track though bro x
I think your wise not to speak with her on the phone also for not setting a specific time you would be arriving/ leaving. If you had spoken you may have been ambushed into saying things you didn’t want to. So kudos!
She is obviously just letting pride get in her way, your doing the right thing here dude. Keep strong, she’s close to breaking. Get someone to collect your stuff, tell her your doing really well and your not willing to compromise your new found happiness by seeing her. Or something to that effect, your a bright man and you know your her…
It’s only a matter of time mate, chin up. 🙂 x
Hey LAbound,
I think you have hit the nail on the head here. She is keeping those things as she knows once there gone she has no other reason to contact you apart from the things she really wants to say.
It will make her seem ‘needy’ if she talks with you when your stuff has gone as she has no other reason apart from her feeling. In my opinion this is the reason, if she was done she would have mailed your stuff to you. That is what I would have done, unless I wanted a reason to speak with you.
Have you spoken with her? What did she say if so?
Hello everyone,
Thank you all for your input. It has been very much appreciated.
Although I have been giving a lot of time and energy into making a ‘good’ decision, I’m still at a loose end really.
I went out with my ex last week, after our initial meet up. We were supposed to go see a film, I thought it would be nice as we could talk in the car about things then sit in each others company and hopefully have a think. Then we could have been alright on the way home.
We didn’t do that. We went for a meal instead, it was well difficult, for me anyway. There were love songs playing and ones about being hurt after losing someone… I almost cried. I’ve been really badly wounded emotionally, it physically hurts still! I kept wanting to just hold his hand and hug him. I love him so much.
On the way home he asked if I had spent the money (that he owed me for a long time, and is still paying back slowly) to go away and that it pi**ed him off if I did. I was a little slow and told him I had spent some but by no means all of it on my trip. On reflection the next day I was furious that he had asked this! All the times he had money and I was skint, while he would spend it on drugs and games! So on our next meeting I need to bring this up in a non- confrontational way.
When I dropped him off he told me it had been really nice, I was honest and told him it was hard for me and that I never wanted to feel the way I did when he had left me ever again. He apologized and told me he would understand if we couldn’t be friends… I don’t want to be friends! I want the man I feel in love with to step up and treat me right!
I am going on an official date with the new guy on Saturday. He is honestly lovely, he treats me with so much respect I’m just still really hung up on the ex. The new guy contacts me quite a bit, checking how I’m doing and such. I have heard off my ex once since we met a week ago and that was to tell me he hadn’t put the money in my account as he said he would… I’m just setting myself up for a huge fall again, but honestly can’t even stop myself.
I honestly don’t know what I’m asking or if I need an opinion I just needed a good vent and wanted to update the mad ramble that is my thread.
Oh and update! 🙂
Our meet up went really well in but I’m terrified now, let me explain.
We chatted and made nice, then it happened he told me he wants me back. He said he missed me and recently had been thinking about all the things he wished he could share with me and that I’m even being dream’t about every night!
We discussed what we needed from each other to be able to get back together. He wanted me to be honest about how I felt and more confident. I want him to be financially stable and not get angry all the time.
I told him I just wanted to see if we would work as friends for a while, because I have heard promises such as those made yesterday many times previously and I need to know it’s happening this time. I’m apprehensive and scared to get back with him even being friends is going to be risky for me. I never want to feel the way I have for the last few months and honestly don’t think I could get through it again!
He told me he loved me and asked if I still loved him, I said I did. He asked if I wished that I didn’t love him anymore and I told him yes. I went on… I love you, but loving someone isn’t an excuse to make stupid decisions. I have to start thinking about my future, the next time I get with someone I want to know that person is ‘the one’ and that will be it for me and them. He seemed to understand but told me he wouldn’t wait around and be on hold forever, I told him I’m not asking you to.
He asked me about the guy that has been trying to date me, he even knew his name! Awkward!… I may have messed this up. I said we are just friends (we are, I’ve told the other guy the same) We don’t really hang out alone. He asked if we had kissed, we haven’t, I wouldn’t do that. It’s not fair on my ex and not fair on the new guy. I’m doing nothing with anyone until I’m sure!
Anyway we are meeting up next week to do something as friends, which will be nice. My family are really hoping I don’t get back with him, it makes me not want to tell them things now.
Anyone have any thoughts? Have I turned into a scared spinster!? Or is being cautious exceptable in this situation?
Hey,
I’ve just had a read, your friends boyfriend! What a tool! Me being me I would have to tell her. She needs to know if he is going around acting this way, what if he does it to someone who is interested?!
Also it sounds like your talk with him went well. You sound relaxed and calm, not needy or desperate. I would personally really stick to NC now for the 30 days, cut all ties for a while. It’s been a while since you guys split and you should defiantly start to feel better after 20 days. It was really hard for me, I kept torturing myself looking at his social media and obsessed over what he was doing and who with. I only started to feel like myself again three weeks ago and then it was forced.
Stick with it, he loves you and he will be like ‘where’d she go!, who is she with and I made a mistake.’ Let him feel the way you do for a bit, he’s totally gonna crumble! 😉 x
Have you signed up to the emails? I recommend you do there really good.
Get yourself out there! You have loads to offer to the social scene 🙂 It’s ok to feel the way you do 10years is a massive amount of time, let yourself feel mopey for a day a week?
It sounds like you have reflected on your journal have analyzed and have come to some understanding from it all. Misjudgement in a long term relationship is understandable, you get to a point where you think your partner should just know how to take you and even know what your thinking (I know this was a area I wanted to work on for the future!)
Your ex asking if your getting married or are pregnant just proves they have no idea what your thinking. I also think him even coming to a conclusion such as this shows he has been over thinking about you! Ten years won’t be easy for him to get over, he’ll be missing you badly soon enough.
Are you doing NC? Whats your plan?
Hey,
I think your doing the right things and they all sound really positive in a growth way, learning languages, that’s pretty cool lady!. Exercise is really good, it releases endorphins (little happy chemicals) in your brain.
In the beginning, first few weeks of the breakup I went to the gym every night. I felt better when I was there, when I had left and there’s plenty of eye candy if you go at the right time hehe.
How long were you with your ex? Have you revisited your journal to see if you look at things in a differing light now?
Hey Aphrodite, I’m sorry to hear you feel this way.
All I can say is that I just faked it until I made it really. The first two months were horrid, I didn’t really tell anyone how I felt and just got really down. I found this site and followed the plan, I did contact him once or twice in the last four months but this last time he contacted me I knew, I knew all day he would because I know him. It’s weird how you get like a sixth sense. I knew he would want me back but I didn’t think he would change his mind on his decision to end it. I still feel upset but never hopeless anymore. It just takes time.
The only advice I can offer is to open up to your nearest and dearest, their really worried about you and just talking to them honestly can really help you to know how you feel yourself. Get out, be around people who make you feel good about yourself and make you laugh. Try to concentrate on having a positive outlook about yourself and others.
What sort of thing have you been doing to take your mind off things?
Oh dear, well she’ll be like that because she’s realizing mistakes made.
That’s a good suggestion. I have considered it, before we broke up. I may suggest it in the future depending on how we are together as friends. I am really hoping he pulls it together this time and proves he is trying. Just seeing that he is really trying to better himself would be really great, I love him but I’m not going to let it cloud my instinct this time.
I’m going to meet him this Saturday. I’ve decided not to wait, feels like I’m stringing it out a bit and it’s not nice for him.
Hey Yoda lol.
I think you really good at advice, you should work with people for a living Labound.
He still makes me feel sad and kinda angry. He just knows what to say to push me but I haven’t been reacting as I would have before.
I’m going to meet with him and suggest being friends, for a long time before we can get back together. He will defiantly ask me not to start seeing anyone until we do get back together. Which I don’t feel like I would but I don’t want to tell him I’ll wait as I have no idea what is going to happen in the future. I need him to prove to me that things will be different, I’ve grown as a person since our breakup and I don’t even feel like the same person anymore if I’m honest.
I’m not going to push it and make him wait for weeks before I see him, it’s mean, I know how he feels right now. I just don’t want to see him and we both end up getting mad with one another. I’m just going to have to be open and honest, without getting stressed out.
So I’m going to be strong, beautiful, positive and fun. Thanks as always you helped. Your ex is nuts your going to make someone very happy one day.
