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I know how you feel. I can’t move on either. Guess we have to accept our current state of inability to move on and longing. It’s hard to accept it though because the state in itself is so painful:( And all the why’s and how’s. Are you doing NC, or still in contact with him?
I’ve been in contact today. Emails. He was saying that the emails will have to finally stop as it’s not helping with moving on. He sometimes contradicts what he says and I look inbetween the lines hooping to see a ray of sunshine.
So, after today’s emails I now have to start NC….again. The anger has subsided slightly from him now and he has said that the NC is helping him cope with everything even though he doesn’t know about this site or what NC is.
I believe he still still loves me but he can’t see it because of anger. I did say in one of my emails that we will not find another compatible partner for many years, if we strike lucky one of might find love in a couple of years but if that has longevity is another thing. Because of this the fact he won’t iron out our problems is an utter waste. He acknowledged and said I had a valid point but in next sentence he spoke about moving on.
He’s not told me he doesn’t love me and for that reason I’m going to NC again and see where that goes. I’ve nothing to lose.How about you? Any further contact?
No, nothing @Belle
@Belle I think one of the most difficult things is when they’re being ambiguous and not direct. My ex has been ambiguous and it’s so easy to translate what he said into something more meaningful than it was. Reading into stuff. For example my ex couldn’t say goodbye when I left his country because (he said) had he just seen me that morning he would have taken me back (We were in the same house!!!!) so he just left for work without a final goodbye hug. I remember waking up from hearing the front door shut and thinking wth… No final goodbye after 10 years? He apologised for this a few days ago, and said he’s lost sleep over it, and continues to loose sleep over thinking that he missed his chance for a last hug forever. It seems like he’s so emotional.
I keep catching myself thinking that means he still wants me, but it’s against all rationality, as he’s asked me to move on and told my mom he hopes I find someone I deserve and that he can’t be the one to make me happy. Also he seemed unaffected and slightly indifferent on our video call. It’s so frustrating. Sometimes those rays of light give us motivation and other times I feel like they just delay the hurt and make it worse. I overanalyse so much.
I’m glad to hear his anger has subsided some. Why is he so angry? In a way him being angry is a good thing because it means he does have strong feelings about it/you.
Good luck with NC, it’s the only option really if he says it’s helping him as well. I feel for you!I had contact with him on xmas. First a call, then a video call that I initiated the next day. He wants to be friends and also wants me to move on. I asked how he would feel if I dated someone whilst we were friends, which he didn’t know but said he would cross that bridge when we come to it.
I’m not convinced he actually wants to be friends or if it’s his guilt and politeness talking. I’m not sure I want to either… Just taking it day by day. Haven’t heard from him for 4 days but I know he’s busy.You can’t expect them to be direct, that’s what I learned. I was with my ex for 8 plus years and she would always say that she wished I could express my feelings more. Now after the break up she never gave me a direct reason for the break up. She is the one who can’t express her feelings with words. She can continue to cry about it for all I’m concerned like she does for no reason when we see each other. And all this no contact stuff they preach here is BS. If your ex wants you back then you will be back. It’s really as easy as that, not talking to them isn’t going to just miraculously change their mind. I will always be friendly with my ex because I really care about her, but I don’t reach out because of this so called NC rule. I do it because we aren’t together and their is no reason to always talk. She is the one who broke it off, but is the one who reaches out the most now. It’s really a waste of my time to give her the satisfaction of my feelings or be the one to help her out. I tried all that for the first month and realized it was dumb to be there for someone who refused to want you enough to be there for you and want to work things out. I always treated her great and never raised my voice or fought with her. I took her to nice places and enjoyed the things she did like plays and shows. We were good at being reciprocal with both our likes and doing stuff like that together. I no longer give her the satisfaction of expressing my feelings to her and I will never ask for her back. That is all up to her. you have to give up on someone who gave up on you at some point. I am looking forward to going out tomorrow and won’t sit at home and give her the satisfaction of controlling my life and be sad.
What I am saying might come off as harsh. My situation is just different. There are many things that I’m bitter about and just frankly don’t understand. Why would she she still continue to cry when we hang out. Why would she show me a vase of dead flowers she can’t throw out a month after I sent them for her birthday. Why does she still ask to hang out and reach out to check in. I don’t do Facebook much but I posted a picture of me and a girl from a wedding I was in and she brings that up about I saw that picture you posted. I still am close with her brother and he always tells me she asks if he heard from me. At the same time though she refuses to talk about the main reason we aren’t together but her actions are confusing. I won’t talk about it to her anymore and havnt since July, it’s just worth asking the questions anymore because it messes with me. Like I said if she reaches out I am friendly and if she wants to hang out I go because I still care. It’s weird and I don’t understand any of it.
I hope you all have a great New Years. Don’t let them ruin it for you.
@mike2014 I get how you feel resentful and bitter. It’s very difficult when you feel like you haven’t done anything wrong and you’re being messed around with emotionally. My ex was doing this too and I had to tell him to stop. Some days I miss the mixed signals because it all seems hopeless without. Other days I’m glad he’s doing the best he can to not give me false hope.
I’m going out for New Years too:)
He’s angry because, I kept in contact with an ex, he saw a flirtatious message which I responded to on my phone. He went nuts and he pulled out of the house we were just about to sign the contract for.
He knows this ex keeps popping up now and then and he knows I found it difficult to tell the old ex to leave me alone.
This was combined with a few times we fell out and he told me it was over or I told him it was over I would ho on a date site. Reasoning of mine to do that was the pain I was in.
I take it I’m insecure in myself.When this all blew up, he initially chased me for 6 weeks and I said no. Then over night I had a turn around and wanted him back but then he said no and it’s remained that way since 21st Nov!
I feel now he’s thinking he’s fed up with my ways and he’s worried I will get back with this ex of mine or meet someone off a date site.
However wrong it all was I remained 100% faithful to him.I’m wondering if I’ve got abandonment issues.?
Hi guys happy New Year. Thought I would share the below. Let me know your thoughts please.
Just thought you might want to have a read.
These are the things Sarah and Nikki (friend) have said when catching up with each other when we broke up. The majority below is into the third week and when Sarah was staying at Nancy’s over the road just before Nancy and Russell’s wedding in Adelaide.– Nikki to Sarah – there are two things to her that are the most important things. Can you see yourself truly having kids with him, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? I don’t want to know these answers but you need to tell yourself this.
They also were having a similar conversation about April/May when we both were looking at changing the health cover to family cover. Sarah must of been observing my behaviour with Tate to work out if I will be a good father for her kids. I remember talking to Sarah about this but not sure of the time.
Sarah – but I watch Leigh and Tate and Leigh always makes him cry because he is to rough with him when they play.
Nikki – yeah but Leigh is just learning and doesn’t know when to stop and doesn’t know how to behave around Tate properly. This is ok Nikki said and he doesn’t do it deliberately. He just hasn’t been taught how to play with him.
Nikki – will Leigh be a good father, will he be a good provider and roll model, will he be good support for your kids? These are the questions she asked herself regarding Carl.Nikki has also noticed that Sarah is conscious with the way she looks especially when she goes out I.e changed about 5 times before they went out to Nancy’s hens. Sarah must of been at Nancy’s before they left, and went home a few times after deciding she didn’t like what she was wearing. I didn’t know about this but the girls were waiting for her in a cab to go to Miami Marketa and the girls were getting frustrated. Nikki didn’t know why she was taking so long? Nikki also said it was this tight skimpy orange outfit and she said to herself, Sarah your not 18 why are you dressing up like this your 31, it’s now time you grow up.
Nikki noticed Sarah and I when we nit pick or have an argument we didn’t know how to talk it out we just fought playing tennis against each other. We weren’t educated on how to talk it out so totally fixable.
Nikki noticed Sarah would boss me around, get this, get that Leigh, Nikki said she didn’t like the way Sarah would speak to me sometimes in front of everyone.
Nikki said she noticed we did a lot of things separately and not together. She was right but it was healthy to do this however the main reason we (for example) didn’t go in the Jetski together was because of her irritable bow. We couldn’t go to a lot of places because of it and Sarah would be very embarrassed but I would support her with this as it didn’t change anything in regards to the way I felt towards her and that was ok. Her health issues changed nothing and didn’t effect my position.
Nikki had no idea Sarah had a history which I told her in confidence and she said that explains a few things in her mind, her skimpy outfits, her drinking, insecurities and anxiety etc.
Carl said last night he had a friend that needed someone to move in to his apartment as they bought a place. Sarah asked can she move in for like 4 months or so instead of signing a 6-12 month contract? Carl said why don’t you want to sign like a 6 month or 12 month like the rest? He was saying she doesn’t even know what she wants at the moment, he said she is all over the place and has no stability in her life which I know I gave her.
Nikki asked what we were like at home, what would be our daily routine, I told her and she said she noticed Sarah has been coming home late this year based off the txt messaging they send each other, I.e, (her new business) where when she was working at Kims this was never the case I.e more time for us and less stress with Sarah.
I haven’t heard from Sarah since the day she picked up her scooter so no txt for NY’s, nothing on Christmas Day.
I told Nikki about the New Zealand trip and the night where we went out, the way I acted about my GoPro, the way Brendon controlled the whole trip which Sarah noticed during the trip.
Nikki asked what the hell happened over there. I said some of that was my fault, when we got home Sarah broke up with me for like 3 weeks, we then both worked really hard on each other and Sarah said OMG I have got my boy back this is who I met when we got together. We were really good for a couple of months and then my question about our sex life came up and then bang, she called it and it was all over.
At this time Sarah said “it’s what she has to do, she can’t see herself spending the rest of her life with me and can’t see herself having kids with me, she has to do this for herself and move on with her life.
A few people including Nikki today have said she must have been thinking about this for a long time.Is this reversible?
Can this be rectified?
Is it fixable?
Can we get back to where we were when we both were really happy?
Will Sarah realise what she has walked away from?
Is there love still there for another chance?
What is Sarah thinking?
Is she coping?
Will she ever love me again?
Does she know what she wants?
Can we work on our stubborn traits when we have our differences?Will Sarah recognise her underlying issues from her past with her Mum and Dad and go see Lorraine (Councillor) for some guidance and help?
You know, I think it’s a really good sign that he’s angry with you. You’re only angry if you feel emotionally attached. Indifferent would be a lot worse!
I think you going straight to a dating site or texting your ex after arguments could have to do with a fear of abandonment like you said, or a fear of being alone. If that’s the case I believe you would benefit tremendously from learning to thrive in your aloneness (not loneliness)! Or perhaps a part of you wanted to make him jealous as to show that he still wants you. If that’s the case it could be abandonment issues, fears of being alone or low self esteem and low self worth.
All things that would be great to heal now:) Learning to enjoy your own company is priceless.I have also had that turn around feeling before. Often if we make decisions from a place of intense negative emotion, we regret them later.
How are you doing now?
Aphrodite,
Thank you for that. I’ve recently been wondering about my actions and why I did it and couldn’t break it. I strongly believe, as you’ve said, I could hand abandonment issues. Probably low self esteem too. I’ve gone through much trauma in my life in which I’ve muddled my way through and never really properly addressed. Everything you say is what I’ve been thinking lately.
This is all a massive positive step to actually realise I’ve some issues that at least I can now recognise and deal with.As a person my ex may have had his own issues, lack of trust. He would sneek on my phone to check and quite frankly that’s just wrong. I know he did it to his last long term relationship and found out a suspicious text so he ended that relationship, just like what he’s done to me. So the combination of the 2 of us leads to disaster and just amazing we lasted 8 years! It shows there was something quite deep between us.
Yes, I agree, I’ve much healing to do and need this time to sort myself out. I’m going to look into abandonment fears but quiet frankly I feel I’m just about to open up a can of worms! It needs to be done for my next relationship whether it’s with him or someone new.
🙂
Everything you’ve said here seems quite logical to me. I’m happy that, at least, you may now have the chance to heal some deep old wounds.
The worms gotta come out!! No matter how many or ugly they are 🙂
It could be a good idea to reach out to him after your NC is over, and explain your behaviour to him. I’m sure he would really appreciate it, and who knows…. I know I should be careful with saying this, but I can’t imagine this guy being done with you forever from what you’ve written.
But for now, take his word for it and try your best to let go.He clearly has trust issues yes, and he seems to hold grudges. But that you lasted so long definitely says something, I agree! And time will make him remember you in a better light, and lessen his anger.
I think you should lower those shoulders, relax, and get to work on healing yourself from those traumas.
This video has really helped me so I thought I’d share. You copy what he does and give yourself permission to really feel. Wait until you feel ready to open a can:P
Thank you again Aphrodite,
You’re great to talk to.I will take a look at that video. Anything is helpful.
Many people see me as this capable person who has raised 2 wonderful boys pretty much on my own and they see me do it all graciously. Underneath I’m a total mess! Haha. I come across as a witty, happy person but believe me, if a subject is raised that I’m sensitive towards I’m fragile as the thinnest piece of glass there is.
This forum has been amazing, hearing people’s stories and getting advice has been a godsend.
I wish we could all meet up for that drink!
For now I’m looking at that can of worms! Lol
I all,
It would be really nice if you could reply to my last post as it is after all the thread about my break up and heartbreak from hellI’m sorry @aussie_guy but I found your last post really confusing… Is there any way you can simplify it? If not don’t worry, maybe someone else understands!
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