-
Posts
-
Hi all,
My ex partner “31” who has just broken it off after 5 years, has decided we no longer should be together after living together after 4 years. We broke up 7 weeks ago and it has been very hard for me. Emotions all over the place.
Her main excuse was that we are different people, we are not compatible, not on the same wave length, she gets me but I dont get her. Im interested to hear your thoughts on this analogy considering we have been together for over 5 years? Why now?As all couples do we have our arguments and disagreements, however like the four horseman from Dr John Gottman states we didnt listen to our bids, we turned our backs instead of sorting them out there and then, it wasnt right.
We have had the biggest year this year, 4 weddings where she was a bridesmaid for two of them, her brother got married, our friend over the road got married recently, her friends are having babies and she isnt even engaged, though she new it was on the cards as we have discussed a ring “5 months ago”, 10 months ago she was looking to change her private heath cover to family cover so we can be covered 12 months in advanced before trying to have kids, I am on her will, we were looking at buying an investment property, after a month she still has us two as her main photo on her facebook page and still in a relationship, she has moved out which she did 4 weeks ago. She finally picked up the last of her things Sunday where we saw each other.
She suffers from Anxiety and is quite insecure and has been on medication as far as I have known her. I guess because I am the nice guy I give her way to much, allow her to get away with things far to often and then she will probably expect it. I believe she took me for granted way to often and didnt appreciate what I did for her.Its all very confusing why she has made her stand by moving out, the wedding we went to 2 weeks ago, the week leading up to it she was living with a friend of ours over the road because it was to emotional for the both of us, but at the wedding she mentioned she was really looking forward to seeing me, she has been thinking of me alot. “mixed messages”.
She is a psychologist so some times I think she should know better to handle these types of low situations. I offered to go see a psychologist with her but she refused as her reputation as a psych appears more important, she doesnt have the time during the week which I think is just an excuse, she surfs of a morning so if she can surf she can make the time.
I really am in love with her, I was going to propose over christmas, at her most favourite place in the world which is at her grand parents farm where all her family would have been. It would have been amazing and I had everything planned but for it to be taken away was shattering.
These are my reasons why we have parted –
Work –
she see’s 6-8 people per day, has no time management so bring work home, writes case notes, emails GP’s and watches the stupid House wifes of New York tv shows where there is screaming, flighting, bitching etc and I think, where is time?
Come Friday afternoon “sometimes she takes to alcohol as a stress release from her stressful week.
She works two jobs, her own business Wed & Fri and a new job where she just started two months ago Mon, Wed & Fri. She was very stress about starting this job as she had to sign a 12 month contract. So as I do I buy her roses, a nice card and mentioned “just to let her know that I am here to support you and be there for you if you ever needed, I mentioned how proud I was of her taking a big step into her professional life”. She started her own business this year and went from 3 days to eventially 5 days a few months later, then this new job came about where she is now.Professional vs the natural part of life –
As she is 31 and wants kids, I believe because society these days puts so much pressure on woman to become a professional, when they are 30-35 their natural instinct is telling them they should become a mum and have kids. The biological clock is ticking while living the professional life they are however the natural calling vs their professional lives are putting them into a confusing situation. I believe this may be a reason? has she got cold feet?I am very confused and things do not add up, we have been very in love, photos dont lie, and for her to say the things she has said regarding marriage, kids, investment properties, me on her will is killing me. My friend said to me she is very confused herself, is in a tangent state and he thinks that “she doesnt want to let go of me and the door key which she DID HAVE is her last thread that she has to me”. You need the door key to take away that power.
She is very controlling and loves to take control and have the power.
She caught up with another friend of mine last sat night. He said he asked her straight up if she wanted to get on with life and she apparently said yes. He said after seeing her and trying to get into her head, his impression is that she doesnt want a relationship with anyone, his instinct tells him she wants freedom. She was very cold and basic to him, she didnt want to talk about feelings/anything. The only thing she said twice was its what she had to do. She is apparently feeling bad while trying to move forward, she seems to be on a journey in her mind. She has apparently lost a little weight but not drastically.I asked him if she was wondering what I was doing? He said “no she didnt ask, she said she thought moving out was a big message to send and that she thought that was enough”. OUCH!!! He said well you should clarify what you want to him regarding the future. She apparently just repeated that she thought moving out was a message enough. This hurt me alot. What does it all mean?
Everyone is saying, give her the space she needs, let her sort her stuff out, she needs her space so I have been.
Ive read alot about the no contact rule, I just wonder if this will be something that will sort her out over time?Hi guys,
Not sure if this is to long for you all. Has anyone got any advise for me? Thanks again.Hey, I think you should definitely go NC for 30 days. Then see. If she’s still unsure about things by that point, i would go NC for a few months.
In this time you should really focus on yourself and what you like in life (apart from her). Build on those things.She’s pribably bern very stressed and has a lot on her plate. Sometimes that makes people go cold, and what they need is to be left alone until they have sorted themselves out. I hope that helps some?
Thanks for replying Aphrodite.
In light of all of this, a mate and I have actually found the real reason why she has left.
It stems back to something really series that happened with their family some 7-10 years ago. She has been scared from this and I never really new the full extent of seriousness of how effected she has become.
Because of this there was a case where she thought a liked a girl in our building which was friends of the both of ours. We did get along very well but that was it. She saw a photo on my computer of her sister and newborn, she asked who this was, I told her, she flipped and asked what is going on with the two of you, she thought there was something going on which was a complete over-reaction on her part and completely lost it, collapsed on the floor is a heap. After this day I don’t think she has fully trusted me for something that was baseless.
She has a trust issue based off her past and I really want to see someone together, unfortunately I can not force this and she is the only one that can do this. She knows her faults, she has admitted these which I was so proud of her acknowledged these but the next set is doing something about it.
As she is a psychologist, I find she is one because of her past and is now working her self to the bone to help save the world so it doesn’t happen to others. Unfortunately at her age (31) when your a typical professional, the natural calling of having babies is conflicting and stuffing her around.So I have started the NC and I am in my 5th day. All I can think about is my best mate. But I have no doubt she is struggling just as much as I am.
I love this site, it gives everyone an opportunity to share their experiences, support each other and allows people like me to express and seek advise from others.
I look forward to others experiences and advise about my break up.@Aphrodite see my reply above. 🙂
Hi,
If it’s any use to you to know my ex has a lot on his plate.
He’s split with me for reasons that could all be ironed out but he’s opted to go solo. We’ve been together 8 years and was just about to buy a house together.
Basically the final straw was when one weekend I got a late night text from a very old flame and I responded and my ex saw it all on my phone. My old flame was clearly drunk and I stupidly responded because I was unhappy and alone that weekend. Serves me right for not deleting it!
So because of that my ex thrown everything away. The house, me…the whole damn lot.
All I can really out it down to was his insecurities, work possibly ending and to top the realisation that since he’s been involved with me he has not seen much of his kids…. He blames me for that too! In fact I’m to blame for everything in his mind.
He works abroad so life is a juggle.He now has nowhere to live properly, he’s job might be ending and his kids have all moved on.
He’s told me to move on and preferably hook up with the old flame.I can’t advise you what to do apart from back off.
It all kicked off for me in Sept, he went back to work and conditionally kept asking me back which I said no. He came back to UK from work and I had this huge turn around in my thoughts and wanted him back by which time he was angry and said no. I rang, text, emailed, went to his mums…all which we do and not supposed to do. He has since then told me to move on.
I’m now in day 13 of NC, slipped up day 8 and sent an email to which I got no response. There was no pleading in mail just regrets and realise I need to move on.
So here I am, I know he’s got to sort his life out and begin to miss me. It might take months. He’s next in the UK mid Jan so I guess that’s when I might hear from him.
So I sit and I wait. The only thing I can do is NC. We were the best of friends, 2 peas in a pod, more compatible than any relationship I’ve ever been too. I’m gutted he’s done this. Everything could have been ironed out. It’s such a waste.
Wow @Belle I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It would be good if we can keep in contact and bounce ideas off each other.
Can I ask how come you said no to him when he was asking you back? I would have said yes however we both need to sit down as adults and establish a foundation for our future.
It sounds very much like he has a lot of love still for you, I truly believe if there is an opportunity to see a councillor. If he feels uncomfortable maybe use the tactic that you would love it if he came to support you? Then let the councillor do the rest and encourage him to come back and do a single session or with you as well? They pick up on things and say, actually I can help you with that, how about we talk about it next session, just yourself? I would love to have to opportunity to see someone with her but she has chosen not to.She is
– a psychologist herself who started her own business this year
– 31 and wanting kids, so the professional life is stuffing with her head as the natural part of a female is telling her kids, kids…
– She takes anxiety/depression medication though who isn’t in the medical field.
– Has been scared by her past with something that happened in her family that she can not let go and has reflected on our break up. She used the excuse that we are different people, not on the same intellectual wave length, she gets me but i don’t get her, after 5 years? come on sorry thats a cop out.
– we fought over petty things. Don’t we all? We just didn’t know how to solve them in a mature way.
– she always thought of the negatives, i think because she is surrounded by it at work everyday
– highly stressed all the time trying to save the world. Always on edge which I cop at home.
– Has a few other health issues which I have openly accepted and had no barring for my love for her and our relationship.
– I was actually going to propose to her this christmas holidays. She new about the ring as we discussed it back in July just didn’t know when I was going to do it.
– we planed on having kids (2) actually it was her pursuing it more than I was at the start of this year. Investment property as well.Now we are broken. Crazy…. Everyone is saying, give her time, let her sort her stuff out, she is in her own little world atm and it appears very confused herself. Well thats what a few of us think who are close to her. She isn’t saying much to some either. Keeping it like a closed book.
Id be interested to see what others have to say?
Hello,
You should go for NC. If what your friend said is true, she seems to be harboring resentment. NC can help calm emotions down and allow for clear thinking.
Although you said much, it’s hard telling what her real reasons are. Just know it’s probably not easy for her.
Give it time, and you will have a clearer view of everything.
Hi @LAbound,
100% the real reason is about TRUST. Because of what happened with her past some 7-10 years about, which is when she was at university studying journalism, then changed to psychology (hmm I wonder why). Its any wonder why she has used alcohol as a stress release come a weekend. Her friend who has know her for about 6 years made a comment “she has always been a big drinker”, not knowing the real reasons why she is a big drinker. It all makes sense when adding the dots.As there was an innocent incident over a year ago between us to (mentioned above) I don’t think she has been able to trust me since and we haven’t really been the same. I have never cheated on her note have any intention in doing so. Our love and affection hasn’t really been any different and there are plenty of photos to prove of this, the sex hasn’t been the same and it was always when she is free and feeling it, and that full on love we once had for each other has been replaced by her insecuraties and her work.
Unfortunately her professional life at her age had become a priority over our relationship because of the above.My awareness during this time didn’t pick any of this up and I wish I had of seen this coming a lot earlier from preventing such events like our recent break up.
Its been a whole 4 days since I started the NC. I saw her Monday for the last time which I think will be for a while. All her stuff has now gone and the key to the unit has now been handed back to me. The last thread she had to me.
She is with her grand parents, cousins, aunties and uncles for christmas on their farm. in the middle of no where which is where i was suppose to be for christmas and which is where I was going to propose to her.
They all love me, even the grandma who i am very close to, her mum and one of her auntie and uncles have sent me emails letting me know they feel for me, expressing that they are shocked and sad about it and to not be a stranger to them and to also look after myself during the xmas period.She hasn’t contacted me at all, I wasn’t really expecting her to. My question to you all is, do you think its a good thing I haven’t made contact with her, does it save me from messaging her about needing space to move forward AND does it demonstrate that I am being mature and not needy? Is this super attractive to you ladies out there?
Hi again,
Well the reason why I didn’t want him back initially was that he pulled out of the house because he snooped on my phone and saw THE text. I was so incredibly angry. He also sold an investment we both set up jointly. That really angered me too.
I carried on seeing him now and then as he would help out with my son and was good to just spend time together, but as soon as we started talking about what had happened we both were very stubborn. My anger over ride everything. Looking back I just needed time without him to over come anger.
I just can’t beleive I snubbed him all those weeks when he was emailing and calling me!The turn around was when he came to took out my son for the evening and we hadn’t seen each other for a month because of his work (this was the time he was contacting me. Well, when he dropped off my son I was polite but didn’t know how to interact with him. He asked me how I was, I replied that I was good. There was a pause and he just suddenly turned on his heels in a huff.
Once he got home he started texting me abuse, how I didn’t care about him, how he was fed up playing second fiddle…how he’s spent lots of money on me…ra ra ra. The texts when on for 2 hrs and then the following morning. Suddenly the texts stopped. Told me he would never be back. The rest is history.
I’ve been beside myself, pleaded, cried, begged…the lot. Even went to his mums house! Jesus.lol
Anyway, since then I’ve spoken to him once or twice and he’s adamant it’s over.
So NC it is.As I said before, it’s like he’s dwelling on the past, he’s seen his kids recently and got even more pissed off because he’s realised he’s missed out on them a lot.
Because he pulled out the house he now realises he’s got no where to live.
On top of that his work is stressful and works in North Africa so it’s stressful.
So in all, I get the blame for every damn thing he’s done.I’ve been 100% faithful. Spent half the year on my own for last 6 years.
What can I do?
Knowing what to do isn’t easy, it’s not about being attractive or needy.
Like with all our ex’s they are doing what they believe is the best for them.
No words will turn it around. It has to slowly. NC will give them time to start reminiscing.Do what I’m doing @Belle go no contact.
I spoke with her cousins husband today who was where she was over the past week. He said she was chirpy but he could see she was doing a lot of thinking. She apparently wasn’t her normal self.
I was going through some photos tonight and I look at some of them and tell myself “what are you doing”??? Its crazy to think she has just up and left, packed her things and gone. Its a scary thing to happen and Im really hoping she realises what she has done.Has this happened to anyone else? Would love to hear your story.
Hello all,
I’ll share some of my story. I also shared a long relationship with my ex 8 and a half years. We met in college and are both turning 30 this upcoming year. She ended it in April. So it’s been quit awhile now. We really did have a good relationsh up until I guess the last 6 months where we both became loners in a sense. We both were not happy where we were professionally in life and just didn’t make the next step towards marriage. It was hard for both of us to be happy together because we were not happy individually. The weird thing is we never really fought but did have our disagreements. I say fought because we would never raise or voice or say mean things about each other. She really was the one and it still bothers me occasionally that I lost her.
The post break up:
For the first month she would text me everynight to see how I was and how my day was. Around the end of the month we met up cause she wanted to. I asked for her back and she said she needed time to work on her self and get back to being who she was when we first met. I agreed I needed that as well. The next two months we would still talk occasionally and she was always warm. When we would talk or meet up the few times she would always cry and be very emotional, but never would give me a reason for the break up, just didn’t know what would happen moving forward. We lost contact for a few weeks after the 4th of July until I called to say hello and she asked if I wanted to go see a movie. The night ended with me asking her what I ultimately did that was so unreversible. She once agin cried and said she doesn’t know what will happen. After that I didn’t reach out and she didn’t much as well. Her birthday was in sept so I decided to send her flowers to her work. She received them as said she was very happy and that they were beautiful and sent me a picture of them. After that once again I backed off. I was going to be going away for two months at the end of October so I just sent her a text to let her know and she asked if I would come to her place. We talked about what we both had been doing and at some point really early she started to cry and it was very strange cause it continued for a long period. I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t even bring anything about us up. We were just chatting about what we were up to. She even showed me the flowers I sent that she kept for her bday that I sent, at this time they were all dead. Once again I didn’t understand why she would show me these or keep them this whole time. I did have a letter I wrote her awhile back that I gave her right when I left that night. Two days later I left. While I was away she would reach out occasionally and ask how I was doing and we kept it brief. She wished me a happy thnksgiving text and asked if I was home which I wasn’t but would be home two weeks later. She said when I was home to let her know and we would meet up. We met up last week and went out to eat. At points I could see her again getting emotional,but she kept it under control and after dinner she asked if I wanted to help her Christmas shop so I decided to go along with her. It’s weird because I still feel,a connection and even after this time we have good conversation with no awkward silence or moments. She once again said that if I want we should hang out after the holidays. Once againher idea and I said well you let me know. Before I left, I asked her if she read my note( in the note I didn’t ask for her back). She said ,now two months later,that she can not open it and hasn’t read it but looks at it often. She says it’s too emotional to read for her. She texted me last on Christmas to wish me a good one.During this time I have been on a few dates and regrouped myself and no longer am a loner. I got myself back to where I want to be in life and feel good. At the same time I still strangely miss her. She really was a great person and I did plan on being with her forever.its been a long time since we were together (8 months). I don’t really understand her at times with how emotional she has been after this long time.
My advice, is to work on yourself and get back to being who you are. Go out, have fun and reconnect with friends. This is what has helped me the most. I still have my times of being sad about losing her but overall I do feel ok.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.