Mixed Signals and more NC- Help!

You’re right, of course you’re right.

I can’t allow, for my own sake, for that stumble to happen again. Gonna start from a 30 days NC, possibly extend it as I see fit, but right now, I need to be out of her life, and I need her out of mine.

Thanks for the help atea, it helped clear my head a bit!

She hasn’t responded in any way and it’s bothering me a lot. I was considering writing her, but got decided against it…I just wanna explain my situation to her

Yeah, guess you’re right

Time for an update.

After what happened on Tuesday I’ve been keeping my distance from my ex. It was hard, but like the first time I initiated NC, I realize it’s necessary so it’s easier to keep it.

But god I miss her. I go out a lot, got back to the gym, and do my best to improve myself.

I know she has trouble dealing with stress, so even though her reaction rattled me, I believe that not everything is lost, and that she knows I’m better than that. But that’s not my main focus; my focus is me, and how to become my best self.

I realized, finally, that the desicion for getting together is entirely up to her. That she genuinely has to go through her process by herself or she’ll never be whole with herself.

I saw some pics of her from some recent parties and it made me sad, but for a different reason- back when we were together and went out, her smile was so rich and real, and now it looks fake, like she isn’t really happy. I know I’m looking for meaning, but it matches the things she told me, how she isn’t entirely happy with her life right now and that she wants to improve herself.

It breaks my heart that I can’t be there for her, but she has to do it herself. And as much as I wanna see her smile that beautiful, genuine smile, I have to stay away for now.

I’m gonna keep working on myself, try and let go of things I don’t like about myself (my tendency to obsess about things), and try to move on however I can. I still hope we’ll be together, and I think I’m gonna reach out eventually, but right now I’m gonna put myself at the top of my priorities.

More updates!

So, yesterday there was a party for our university’s school of management (I study accounting, my ex studies business management, same building) so obviously I went there worried that she’d be there and what to do when that happens.

Luckily, and I actually count myself lucky, neither she nor most of her friends were there, apparently they had class today at 8am.

Here’s where things get tricky. A girl friend of hers, not close friend but like a school friend, was there. Now, I’m pretty sure she didn’t realize who I was (as I’ve said, they’re not really close friends), but she had more than a few drinks and kinda started being flirty and just a bit touchy. So, couple of drinks later, me and my friends from school head out to eat something and she tags along. I had to walk with her cuz she was rather drunk, and I just tried to do the gentleman-like thing, which has always been my approach.

So, since I was the designated driver, I told my friends I’ll go get my car and come pick them up, and she said she’ll come with me. It was cold so I gave her my jacket; now, to me, it was clear she was interested but, A, I’m not a fling kind of person, and more importantly B, if my ex heard about it she’d be crushed and feel terrible. So, as much as kissing her would’ve been nice, and I’m sure she expected it, I did nothing, had a fun conversation on our way to the car and that was that.

I’m proud of myself, to be honest. Even though at this point I don’t owe my ex anything, acting up on impulse would’ve done nothing for me and hurt her, and, almost 7 months after our breakup, she still means the world to me, so I’m really proud I didn’t do anything.

It’s been 2 weeks since I last saw her, and I’m doing my best not to “accidentally” bump into her, been working so far. I don’t think my slip, terrible though it was, two weeks ago is what’s gonna be the final nail on our coffin , and yesterday proved to me a few things- first, that I can have the time of my life without her. Second, that I can, if I choose to, get into something romantic with someone else, cuz that girl, from what I’ve heard isn’t the flingy type either. Third, and most importantly, that I still truly love my ex and would never do anything to hurt her, even if it means not having a fun night with a fun girl, cuz that’s not what I want, it doesn’t feel as real as what we had.

I thought about contacting her next week, 21 days after my mess-up. We have two weeks of holiday starting next Monday, so with school off, it might be a good idea, I think. Either that, or go the entire 31 days, or just to not contact her regardless, haven’t decided yet.

Anyway, just wanted your opinion on what I’ve just written, I’m really proud of myself for doing what I felt was right, and really wanted to share it with you guys!