Mixed Signals and more NC- Help!

hi,
i think she really does not want to reconcile yet. she is nowhere near ready. i believe if you push her it will not end well. i would stay in nc until she reaches out to you. i know its hard and it sucks but i think every time you break it and she responds to you in that way or doesnt respond it will set back your healing tremendously. focus on YOU. keep the nc. if she feels ready, she’ll reach out. every time you break nc you are telling her you will be there for her and are waiting for. i don’t believe this will bring her back to you. you need to be strong, show her you ARE moving on, and then maybe shell second guess her choice. for now, just leave it be, stick to nc, and focus on YOU.

@Joe D,
i really don’t believe in playing games either. when I’ve been in nc I’ve had really strong urges to reach out to my ex and tell him things about how i feel or whats happening in my life and I’m guilty of breaking nc many times. sometimes we need to follow our hearts. personally, i don’t believe in deadlines. what will change between now and february 23? when my ex broke up with me he told me it was so he could date other girls to confirm if I’m the one he wants to settle down with. i tried putting time frames around it as he told me he hoped he would be back to me one day but just isn’t read yet. first i said lets talk after 30 days, then another 60, etc. the truth is its 4 months post break up and he’s nowhere closer to wanting to reconcile than he was on day 1. i found setting dates and time limits like that only hindered my healing because i ended up just counting down and waiting for those dates and when i would reach out, i always got the same answer: “i love you, but I’m not ready yet. i need more time. i don’t know what the future holds. we shouldn’t go by time constraints, but instead by how we feel deep down”. this was incredibly frustrating to me at first because I’m someone who likes to plan things far in advance, but I’ve come to realize you can’t put a deadline on these things. he could wake up tomorrow and feel ready, or 6 months from now, or 6 years, or never. i have just asked that he lets me know if he starts to feel like he’s ready. the last time we discussed this was beginning of december. i am going to at some point reach out to ask what he’s thinking but not for another 3 or 4 months. i know what you’re saying about wanting to know you did your best and tried everything you could and I’m the same way. and yorue smart for recognizing you would need to start something new and try to build from there to see how it goes. thats what my ex and i agreed would have to happen if we got back together – we would need to start from square 1. i don’t think its necessarily the grown up thing to do to contact her on feb 23. i would contact her when you feel READY. it could be tomorrow, it could be 3 months from now. when you feel you’re at a point where you can handle rejection from her, where you don’t expect anything in return, and you feel healed and happy then you should reach out. if you feel that on feb 23, by all means, go ahead. but i think its very difficult to set this kind of deadline on your situation. I’m glad you’re starting to feel much better and i believe you’ll know in time when you feel ready to reach out again – try not to think about it so much in terms of concrete deadlines

yes, i really believe a successful reconciliation is impossible unless you both are fully committed and it doesnt seem like she’s there yet. she probably knows with history and love there hanging out just as friends has a high chance of developing into something more and i don’t think she’s ready for that right now.
a lot of people on these boards will advise you not to break nc unless she reaches out to you, wanting to work on things. personally, i disagree. i think a lot of times dumpers are hesitant to make contact because they also fear rejection and probably feel guilty for hurting us. personally, i don’t believe you’re near ready to contact her yet just because you texted her to ask her to talk to you the night before an exam to make you feel better. its ok you did that – its a learning process and we all slip up occasionally but it just shows me you haven’t really fully accepted things are over yet. i haven’t accepted that either which is why I’m not ready to see my ex or discuss the relationship again yet. i think its ok for you to be the one to break nc but personally if i were you i would definitely wait a significant amount of time. don’t have a set date when you want to break it. see how you feel in a few months. don’t beat yourself up if you slip up but don’t pressure her or talk about the relationship yet. we all want to plan and predict the future but its impossible. just take your time with things and try to take things one day at a time. i know this is so much easier said than done but I’m slowly learning its the only way

i don’t think she definitely just reached out for an ego boost. i think its a bit natural that after going on 3 dates that she didn’t have the connection she had with you, that she would think about how things are with you and wonder if she made a mistake giving up your relationship. i think you are spot on with saying she probably feels a bit lonely and in her head she is probably deciding whether or not its you she misses or the relationship. i think thats hard for a lot of people to figure out and so she probably felt very confused trying to decide that. i think she is probably still trying to decide this. i definitely do think she still cares about you but she isn’t sure if she wants to pursue the relationship so i think she is nervous if you start hanging out casually as friends it has a good chance of developing into more and i don’t think she’s ready for that right now. your plan to stick to nc for at least a month is a good one. it will give you both the time to truly evaluate what you want going forward. if after a month you still want to start over with her, reach out and see how she is feeling about things. if you’re not ready to reach out, continue more nc. remember, you’re on your own time now. i think you’re getting to a great place because even thought you may want her back, you don’t need her. so if you reach out again in time and don’t get the response you want, i think you will definitely be ok to keep moving forward.

i would love your opinion on my situation! although i don’t think its really in my control at all at this point. basically my ex broke up with me in september of this year. we had started dating when i was 15 and he was 16 and ended things 7 years later now that I’m 22 and he’s 23. over the last 7 years we had two brief “breaks”, each lasting around 2 months. both times he ended things and told me that while he loved me very much it scared him to think he would have no other experiences with girls in his life besides me. he would tell me he was a future with me but needed time to be single, date other girls, and explore. both of those times i cried, begged, pleaded. i stayed in contact with him and he came back to my both times. unfortunately in september of this year he really put his foot down and ended things for the same reasons. he said he’s 23 and needs to take the time to be single with his friends, have no responsibilities and commitments, and to date other girls. he told me its really important he dates and gets to know other girls because otherwise he can’t know if I’m “the one”. he’s told me repeatedly that this breakup is “necessary” and that either he will take some time away from me and date other girls and realize how much better everything is with me or we will both move on and be happy if it isn’t meant to be. he has said he wants to get back together down the line when he’s ready but he can never give me a time frame – sometimes he alludes to just needing a few months off, sometimes it sounds like years. he keeps telling me anything can happen – maybe hell date casually and then appreciate me more, maybe hell meet someone and get serious and realize it isn’t as good, or maybe he really meet someone else he’s happier with. he basically thinks he might see a future with me but wants time to date other girls and confirm that. for the first 2.5 months i begged, pleaded, all the mistakes. we hung out a few times but he wouldn’t budge. then finally i went 30 days nc. i spoke to him again and he basically said the same that if we get back together “with time” our relationship will be so much stronger but we need to give it significant time to see how we feel. I’ve been in and out of nc periods. he’s only reached out to me once – to discuss some silly celebrity gossip. all the other contact I’ve initiated. he does always answer my questions regarding the breakup and when i reach out just to catch up he’s always very friendly and acts very happy to hear from me. but we spoke this week and he basically told me he had been enjoying some “alone” time but now felt he should be dating and i was crushed all over again. im really trying my best to stick to nc. but i usually seem to break down every 2-3 weeks. its frustrating because he keeps telling me theres a good chance well be back together but tells me not to wait and can’t give me a timeframe. I’m really trying to go 3-4 solid months of nc right now. i just have no idea how long this will take him. is some months really enough time for him to “explore” and date others? but if he takes years isn’t it so unrealistic we would reconcile down the road? i genuinely have no idea what an appropriate amount of time is and he’s wanted no time constraints on anything because it will all depend how he feels and he can’t predict it. sorry this is so long! any thoughts on my situation or how you would handle it? in your opinion what do you think is an appropriate amount of time for him to take? its all very confusing!

thanks for your response and i think your advice is spot on! its advice I’ve heard before that he’s so comfortable because he knows how i feel and he knows I’m here waiting for him. in the beginning i kept telling him i was then i tried to be nasty and asked him never to text me again because i was cutting him out of my life. and most recently I’ve said I’m doing my best to move on and only time will tell if he’s ready before I’ve closed the door to our relationship. but i think the pure fact that I’ve never kept nc for more than 30 days shows him how much I’m still around. i think the only way for him to really fear he’s lost me is for him to really lose me! for me to be very cold if he reaches out to me and for me to just not text him – period. he will let me know if he feels ready to reconcile moving forward but i still think i am VERY for away from that if it even happens. I’m doing my best to get on with my life and keep nc up indefinitely but its incredibly hard after 7 years and even harder since i know there is a chance we will be back together in the future. but i really appreciate your advice and thank you for the response. i know no one can answer this but I’m just curious if you have an opinion on how long you think is an appropriate amount of time to figure this out? I’m not trying to limit him but it seems unrealistic for this to be years but I’m not sure if a couple months is really enough time for him…

i think it only just boils down to confusion on her part. i think she was probably having a weak moment of missing you and become curious. i think then she probably got nervous because she didn’t feel ready to give your relationship another shot yet. i don’t think this means she wont want to in the future but i think she truthfully has no idea herself. my guess is she saw you were still around and figured she should take her time.
its funny you and i are both giving each other the same advice, its just much easier to say it to someone else! youre completely right that once i make the choice to stop chasing him, start being cooler when he reaches out, he will realize that he is in fact losing me. either he’ll be fine with that and continue on but if he starts to get nervous, he’ll come back chasing me. i am trying to go nc indefinitely until he reaches out. i think anytime i reach out to him it validates I’m still here. obviously this is easier said than done for both of us! my birthday is exactly 3 months from today so I’m assuming he’ll reach out then so at least there is an end point in sight. we can both do this! thanks for all your help 🙂

Yes I absolutely agree. If at a time I feel ready to reach out and discuss i will but I don’t think that will be for a very long time. My birthday is exactly 90 days from today so hoping to make it there and have him reach out then and take it from there. If I feel I want to initiate a conversation about the relationship then I will. It’s Great you have finals! Can I ask where in the world you are? Im a graduate student and just started my semester so hopefully my work will be a good distraction goingn forward!