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Okay, so here is what just happened:
I was texting my ex to let her know that I am interested in clearly defining the expectations of our “new connection”.
She called me immediately after I hit send. She said she apologizes but she forgot she was meeting a friend she met last week for coffee and it lasted longer than she expected.
She wanted me to explain my text. This is how our conversation went:
Me: Well, I understand you are dating someone and I dont want you to get the wrong impression of what Im about to say. I just feel that if we are both agreeing to build a new connection, whatever that means to you, we should clearly define expectations and boundaries. I am not upset that you didn’t call like you said you would, but I feel that any connection we establish should be based on open communication, honesty and mutual respect. Over the years you have never not hit a friend up when you said you would, and I would just appreciate a quick text letting me know you can’t call. I feel like that’s basic respect.
Her: I understand and I apologize. I am not trying to disrespect you or be any kind of way. I honestly forgot I had a lunch date with a lady I met a few weeks ago. As for the connection, what do you mean?
Me: I mean friendship or otherwise. You said you wanted to build something new and rediscover each other.
Her: Well, I don’t know if me telling you things will hurt you and I don’t know if you’ll distance yourself.
Me: When I ended contact two weeks ago, It was to step back and evaluate what Im doing with my side of things. It has nothing to do with this guy. Im getting used to the idea of you dating. Youve been doing it since we broke up.
Her: Yeah. Good. Because I do love you as more than a friend and you are my person. I want to be able to tell you everything. But it’s not love for me in the same sense it used to be. I am dating this guy steadily. We aren’t official, but I really like him and he really likes me. I explained to him that I am taking it slow with him, and we havent even kissed a lot. Which makes me like him more and he likes that Im not just about sex too. Im pretty sure we are heading toward an exclusive relationship.
Me: Im happy for you. Youve found someone that isn’t just about sex, that you have fun with and that you feel safe with. My Thanks to that guy. I really want you happy, and Id hate to have to hurt someone if they hurt you.
Her: *giggles* I know you would too!. So, I mean, is it okay to tell you things?
Me: Yes. As long as you are comfortable with it. I do have to express that I still have feelings for you. I still love you, but I will not put pressure on you to work on things with me. That’s why we didn’t work when we tried the first time. I pressured you and I was a mess.
Her: Yeah but I totally understand why. It bothers me. I’ve learned so much about how I was and where I couldve been better, and other people get to benefit from it. You went on a date, Im dating and getting more serious with Eric. And it just upsets me that we cant benefit each other from our realizations. But I believe we are where we are supposed to be. Im meant to be dating this guy. You are meant to be living a different life.
Me: I understand. I realized where I went wrong and I stopped being grateful. No matter the cause, I stopped appreciating what I had. I didnt jump from relationship to relationship so Ive been able to really evaluate my wrong doings without being distracted.
Her: *chuckles* is that what you think Im doing? Relationship hopping?
Me: Well, you have been with a couple ppl since we broke up. Im not saying it’s a bad thing and only you know your motives and feelings behind it. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.
But you know that I don’t buy into whatever happens happens and thats where we are meant to be. We analyze happenings very differently. I don’t believe we met, lost touch, had a freak encounter and lasted about 9yrs for it to end like this. We lost touch and reconnected after I made the choice to dial an old number. When we lost touch, I didnt say to myself it was meant to be that we lost touch …and went on with my life. You dont think we can build a new foundation and allow things to develop as they may?
Her: Well, what do you think our end meant or why it happened? And I dont know. We are dating other people and I really like Eric.
Me: It was a lesson. A test. We have been given the tools to succeed. Before we couldnt see two feet in front of us. And we can use the lesson and tools for others but I firmly believe its for us. But I won’t try to sit here and pressure you or convince you. Just like your first guy…I didnt let you work those feelings out and all it did was push you away. And now you have chosen to date another person. Because of your choice! you are where you are supposed to be. You know? I have to let you sort these feelings out as well.
I will not convince you to come back. But I just don’t believe almost 9 yrs was for this end result.Her: Yeah. Hey. Im at my moms. I have to go but can I call you tonight? Ive been dying to talk to you.
Me: Yes. Call whenever you feel like it. I might go to bed early so if I don’t answer, thats why.
Her: I will text you first. If you reply, Ill call. I love you.
Me: I love you too. Be safe. Later.
Her: Bye.
What the heck? I need advice. How do I proceed?? Keep up with false friendship?
NC makes her miss me like crazy but it didn’t stop her from Developing a connection with this guy! And she believes she’s meant to be dating this guy. Or else it wouldn’t be happening. How do I combat that way of thinking??- Total Posts: 1
I’m a bit confused. She says she loves you but is currently dating another guy? I think she is still in rebound mode and doesn’t know what she wants. I would try and do nc if you haven’t ready. She needs to be without you for awhile so she can get her mind straight. I know nc is hard. It drove me crazy but it could put things into perspective for both of you. Good luck sorry to hear you are in this spot
Yes sounds like a rebound she’s getting herself in. 9 years is pretty drastic to throw away. I’m in that situation myself, just gutted all thoes years of ups and downs thrown away. I love him still after 8 years so that’s saying something. My ex is having some kind of mid life crisis and I’m not sure which way it will go. I’m doing NC and going stir crazy but it’s the only thing I can do to hopefully bring him round again.
Sometimes it’s times like this that we reevaluate life and how we are, behave and expectations. It’s like a grounding, we need to learn of what we’ve done to push someone away.
Yes false friendship is gaining her trust in you. She’s opening up to you and listening to what you say.
If her new fella found out she said that she loved you, I know myself it would not sit comfortably with me. Def rebound going on.
She sounds quite needy if she’s going from one guy to another. You have 9 yrs between you, she’s not going to suddenly find a replacement so quick.You’ve made your feelings known to her, i would go into NC. Remember she’s rebounding. Good luck
My ex called me last night. we spoke for four hours about a variety of things. during the conversation, I made it a point to use certain techniques I’ve read about to try and present myself as new and to plant seeds. I’m not sure if it worked. What I am about to write may be long and drawn out, but please read and give insight.
during our phone conversation, we started out by her saying how happy she is that i contacted her. she said when i disappeared, she thought about reaching out to my family to see if i was okay. (but I think she checked my twitter account and realized I was alive and well) We then spoke about her thoughts and feelings on her new guy.
She began: Ya know, I really do like him. He is really nice and he is affectionate, and we have the same ideas when it comes to family. But idk. I am so guarded. I don’t understand why he is still trying to pursue me. We have fun together, but I am so distant sometimes. My mother doesn’t want me to date. She thinks I should be single and deal with the breakup, but I feel that I have. Idk how to do this dating thing, and Eric wants to introduce me to his family on Christmas. I don’t know if that means he is trying to move really fast. I started dating him Nov. 21st. Almost a month, and I’ve heard from a mutual friend he wants to make us an official couple. I wouldn’t mind because I like him, and he treats me well. but I feel like people will judge me for moving too fast with him. My mother thinks it’s too much right now. What do you think?
Me: Well, I don’t agree with your mother on most things, but I do feel that maybe you should at least take it slow. I can’t tell you not to go for him. you obviously like him. I do think that you have went from one person to another withut a real break in between. I mean, when we decided it was too soon for reconciliation, you didn’t date for 17 days. That’s not a long time, and now you are already talking about getting into a more serious relationship with Eric.
Her: I feel like I have spent time alone to realize a lot of things. I just don’t want to be judged by everyone for moving forward after only a month and after just getting out of a relationship for almost 9yrs. I value your opinion and you know me. You’ll give it to me straight. what do you think is best?
Me: What I say to you is not because i want you back. it is what it is, and I can place feelings aside, but I do feel like you just need constant emotional fulfillment from other people. You literally have never not been involved with someone. I’m not saying don’t go for eric. I am saying, take it slow. really get a feel for him and what he’s really about. you see him on average of twice a week, and it’s been less than a month. you haven’t seen his ugly side yet.
Her: Omg! I have to tell you something. When he first approached me in the bar, he was actually on a date. he was on a third date with a girl he had been seeing. he said he walked in, noticed me, and then he ditched her because he said I was what he wanted. I was like, this asshole.. but he has been really working toward gaining my trust. i told him I didn’t like that and it made me feel uneasy about him. he said that he was on the fence with that other girl anyway, and that he just felt like he needed to introduce himself to me.
Me: WOW! He really did that? That’s a character flaw! Please be careful with this guy. He ditched someone on the third date. By the third date, he got to know this person and had a friendship of sorts and there was a level of trust. And he ditched her because he saw something he liked. That’s also a good sign he is extremely selfish. but you know him better than I.
Her: I honestly feel like he wouldn’t do that to me. He has been super honest about everything.
Me: If someone ditched someone else they’d been dating for three days just because they saw something they liked, what makes you think he wouldn’t just tell you what you wanted to hear just to obtain you? sometimes people only like the quest, and after they get what they want, they bail. Please be careful.
Her: I don’t think it’s like that. We’ve spent a lot of time together, and he hasn’t shown anything but affection and honesty. I think we make a good looking pair too.
Me: Good. I don’t want to have to hurt him. And what’s his last name?
she told me his last name. i googled him. She didn’t think it was creepy, but was actually interested in googling him herself. She saw his picture and said he doesn’t look like that now. that the pics were older. I said, well, I think you’re too hot for him, but he’s not bad looking.
Her: I figure that I can break up with him whenever. even if we become exclusive, and I am taking it slow and being guarded. im just seeing what happens. what have you been up to?
I just explain the changes I’ve made. My future goals and how I have made a point to work out every two days. Without saying it directly, I sent the message that I am more confident, and I am extremely driven and focused on achieving my goals. we went back and forth talking about what we’ve been up to, and we also touched on some things we realized we did wrong in the relationship.
Her: I love you like crazy. I LOVE LOVE LOVE you like crazy, but there’s no romantic feelings. I closed that chapter of my life.
Me: I have too. If we were to build anything in the future, it would be new. I don’t want an extension of that relationship. It’s been buried. I learned from my mistakes, and I have been blessed with tools to make any future relationship functional and happy.
Her: So, tell me about this girl you went on a date with. What’s her name? What does she look like?
I tell her, but I don’t try to make her jealous or anything.
Her: You do love dark eyes and dark hair. Do you really like her?
Me: She’s fun.
Her: Do you think you’ll be going on more dates with her?
Me: I could be, but I am not trying to revolve my life around any particular person. I am driven and focused on my goals. If this girl hits me up or if i am going out and she wants to go, then she will be there. but I am not revolving around any one person.Her: See, that’s what my mom wants me to do. Date and see what’s out there.
Me: maybe you should. You’ve been with someone constantly.
Her: yeah.I change the subject. I talk about the cute things or memories of our past when we were at the height of being in love.
Me: (Randomly) You’re so beautiful. I was just thinking about your eyes. They’re amazing. remember when I first got in the backseat of the car, and you turned around in the front seat and looked at me and smiled? your eyes made me melt.
Her: *giggles* Oh ****.
Me: You know my style. I’d do anything to make you smile. (This was a lyric to a 50 cent song that she sang to me shortly after we fell in love.) *i laugh a bit*We talk about feelings and emotions for a min.
Me: i just want to know something. I’ve been thinking about it.
Her: Go ahead…
me: Why didn’t you ever ask me to marry you?
Her: (gets quiet for a second) i thought you’d say no.
Me: I wouldn’t have said no. You asking me wouldve shown me a lot.She starts to sniffle into the phone. I asked if she had a cold. she said no and was silent. I asked if she was crying, and she said yes. i asked why and she said because it makes her sad. she said she remembers how it felt to want marriage and kids with me so bad, and it’s all she focused on for most of our relationship. but those feelings went away the last year of our relationship, for her. She was still crying, and I said, “It’s okay baby. don’t cry.” i held back my tears. I didn’t want to seem emotional too.
Me: You know. I was thinking the other day about how I used to be compared to how I am now. I have changed in good ways and bad, but I can see how I changed for the worst. When we met, I had confidence. I knew what and who I was, where i was going..and I took really great care of you. I stopped being grateful. I stopped taking care of my woman.
Her: *giggles* I stopped taking care of you too.
Me: You did just fine. I was the one that dropped off, but there were things in the relationship that made me feel frustrated to where I couldn’t see what I had anymore.We both, again, agreed the cycle had to be broken. but she says this:
Her: Sometimes I think about finding someone else and being able to be really happy, or it being something I really don’t want and I’ll be okay, “Omg..my baby!”
Me: i won’t convince you to come back. I won’t hold up on life waiting, and from what you’ve said, you need to figure out where you and eric are going in this relationship.
Her: yeah. but I love you so much. You soothe my soul. I don’t know what to say. i don’t want to give you false hope and I am sorry for being emotional and asking you for advice. I don’t know if it’s hurting you and I don’t want to hurt you. I just love you and if we aren’t together in that way, I really want you as someone very important in my life. I just don’t feel that thing with you anymore, but I am going on a different path..and I don’t know if that path will lead back to you.
Me: I can’t promise you that. I have to take care of me. i’ll think about where to go from here, and I’ll let you know.
Her: So.. tell me more about this girl you’re dating. have you guys kissed or had sex?
Me: Why do you keep bringing her up? And you know I am not about hookups.
Her: You ask me questions! And I don’t know how you are when you date.
Me: yes, but we both know why I have asked questions.. but no. we have not kissed or had sex. We just hung out. Why are you so curious?
Her: idk..I just want to know. maybe to see if I’ll be bothered knowing you’re with someone.Me: you act and say things, but then say it’s not like that for you. you’re asking me questions about a new girl to see if it will bother you. Doesn’t that say something?
Her: yeah, but I just..something is missing! It’s not on that romantic level. but I know that I do love you. you are my person.
Me: You want to know something?
Her: What?
Me: You sooth my soul too.She gets quiet. and we start to fall asleep on the phone. she told me she loved talking on the phone with me and that she doesn’t want me to just disappear. I told her I will think about some things and let her know where I am at.
we both said i love you and she has contacted me today three times. I have responded. and I am confused. lol
i don’t know where to go from this. She read into everything as a possible sign that we aren’t supposed to be together. she is obviously conflicted about this Eric kid, and she even says that her feelings aren’t intense or anything like her first rebound. and that’s why she doesn’t feel like it’s a rebound with Eric. That she likes him and likes the way he fulfills her emotional needs. but she’s guarded and just taking it a day at a time. she did say she looks forward to their dates. she’s so open with me, I don’t think she’d hold back her feelings for this guy.
Today when she texted she again said that she enjoyed being on the phone with me all night, and it was a treat for her. I said I enjoyed it to. Then I messed up and texted: “Maybe we can do it again sometime ;)” I fucked up. She hasn’t texted me back, but I do know she’s at work. she wants me to send her a picture too.
I must say that NC didn’t stop her from developing this things with eric. I’m not sure NC is my best option, but I am not a pro or expert with these things. I don’t want to abandon her. Our bond is so strong, and she is honestly having a tough time too. idk. I’m just really confused.
I have to include, because it makes me feel great: i asked does she get butterflies and stuff when she met him and when she’s around him. She said no. It’s nothing like when her and I met. 🙂 lol I loved hearing that.
Not sure I could be as strong as you knowing there was someone else on the scene.
Of course she hooked up with this guy. It takes the pain away from the real issue. If she jumped from one guy to another then she is doing it because it’s the easier option rather than being able to stand emotionally alone.For the long term, do you really want to put yourself in a situation where you’re with someone who doesn’t know what they want and grass is greener and all that. She needs time out, like her mother has said.
Maybe look at NC as a time out for you? For you to work out exactly what you want. I know you want her back but the drain of knowing she doesn’t know what she wants must be very stressful.
I’m stressed over my ex. One min I think he will be back the next I think he really has had enough. It would be great to get to that point where I don’t think about it or mind what happens. My case is easier as he just doesn’t want to talk or be with me.
For you, she doesn’t want to let you go completely. Is that fair she has her cake and eat it? What’s the worst could happen with her and this bloke in 30 days? He sounds like an awful guy and really, how long is the Mr Nice guy going to keep tagging her along before he sees someone he likes better?
Belle
Yeah. I feel that he is someone that is charming her, and she probably does like him. But im not sure if its a rebound or just someone that she likes enough to have around to sustain her emotionally.
Im currently getting tips from another site that says being friends with an ex isnt a bad thing. . But dont call it a friendship. It helps build a new foundation and keeps the emotional lines open. It says it’s not about having their cake and eating it too.
I dont think shes stringing me along. She told me her focus is not to reconcile. But she is still somewhat confused.
NC didnt stop her from connecting before and she may see me disappearing as a sign that it all needs to end and it’s what is best. Wheras if I remain in the picture but do my own thing.. like LC… then she will feel that I am about to move on.
I honestly am bothered hearing about her and other ppl but I feel she needs to sort this exploration out because if she ever does come back.. I dont want her to feel like she didnt date enough etc. Id always have my doubts if she didnt.
She wants to join me for a trip to Chicago and possibly Mardi Gras. If after those trips she isnt at least a little attracted, im going NC for a long ass time.
i would just be careful not to be friend zoned..i agree she should continue to explore and see other people because that is what she set out to do but i don’t really think its fair of her to discuss it with you. i also think this guy is a rebound and she hasn’t really taken the time to be alone and deal with the break up emotionally yet. just be careful being too close to her without a commitment..if she really wants to explore other people and life without you it will be hard when you still have those conversations. I’m really not sure how to advise you in this situation..its definitely very complicated. whichever route you choose, i do hope she comes back and appreciates how persistent you are. whatever is meant to be will work out in the end.
on a positive note, she still wants open communication with you and tells you she loves you, so you can definitely use that to your advantage. just be careful with your own feelings about how much you can listen to her dates with other guys – if she does come back in the future then you don’t want that to negatively impact your relationship
I second what atea said.
I really feel your pain! I got out of a 10 year relationship so I know the type of bond such a long relationship creates. I don’t know exactly what to advise you as I’m currently going NC and worried that will just make him realise how fine he is without me in his life and get over me faster (if he hasn’t already).
Make sure your head space is on you and treat thinking about her like an addiction that you have to stop.
Best of luck!!
My ex has responded promptly all day but when she called, the convo wasn’t as great as last night. We are both extremely tired and so the Congo was boring and there was a lot of quiet points. She ended the call and said she was just going to lay down and go to bed. It bothers me because I know she will probly call her new guy and have a better Conversation.
I feel like if I go NC, she will become further detached. If I false friendship while she’s becoming more serious with this guy, I’ll be friend zoned and she won’t feel the loss. Our conversations gave me insight and I have hope that this new guy isn’t right for her. I wish someone that has been in this situation could help. I can’t pay for any books from sites like this. I’m lost. I’m truly lost.
I feel for all of us. Especially if we have realized our mistakes and can better our relationships. Thank you for the responses. I Appreciate it.
i really feel for you and i don’t think theres one “right” answer. i think both of out exes left not because of anything specific we did but just because of internal desires to explore “other paths”. i know we all hope for the chance to start from scratch and better our relationships and i hope we all get the opportunity. as for which course of action you take during this time, i think you need to do what makes YOU happiest, she is currently doing what makes her happy. if it makes you happy to talk and be “friends” and still in her life while she goes through this, i respect you for that. but if its too hard and to better yourself you need to go NC or LC, i respect that too. i think the bottom line is that she left for internal reasons and she will only decide to come back if she, on her own, comes to the conclusion that she misses you and wants you back. the truth is no one can say whether or not it will come from talking or from NC, but we know it must come from her and only time will tell how she will feel. i totally feel for you as i am so unsure how to handle my own situation. we have been NC for a week now and i feel slightly better, but i do worry he is moving on; however, he asked for space and i am trying to give it to him and think it is better for my own sanity for now. the goal is to go for 60 days and then reach out – i think longer than that and he will think i want nothing to do with him, but i don’t intend on being his friend while he explores these other options. he told me he wants to be with me again in the future but feels he needs some time on his own and to be non committed – I’m trying to give him his time and focus on what will make me happiest. i do hope he comes back to me but I’m slowly realizing that i don’t want him back because he fears I’m moving on or because i pressure him into entering the relationship – i want him back only if he decides our relationship is what makes him happiest and honestly i think that is a conclusion he must come to on his own regardless of my behavior. good luck and stay strong. i really feel for you and commend you for how patient and determined you are.
I think in your situation, NC will work. To both better you and to draw him back.
In my situation, I will try LC and date and really live. I am going to go to Chicago with my ex still. I need to show her I can be how I used to be. Just talking on the phone wont change her perception. She needs to see it. My impression during that trip will hopefully back up all my words. And I can plant more seeds.
Good luck to you. I have faith your situation will work out for the best.
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