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I think maybe I will use mid-September as my deadline. Since we are already having positive interactions it makes sense to pick an earlier date for seeing progress at least. Right now I feel like we’ve gone backwards. He really responds more positively to no contact (wants me more when he can’t have me) but my real goal is to change the way we relate to one another for the better– without getting friend zoned.
So you are basically sure you want him to make the first move, that’s what you are waiting for?
I am already thinking about the letter I will send my ex. I can’t keep it short like Kevin suggests because in my case it will be likely a goodbye and I have a history of writing her certain kind of letters. It’s not something I wanna scribble in one night, I need to figure it out carefully not to be misunderstood.
No, he knows what I want. We were no contact, then he reached out and we started texting for like a week and had met up once and had a great night. The next day (alcohol involved) I invited him to my bday party and he came and we ended up having a pretty emotional talk. We both agreed that was way too fast, but I expressed that I wanted to work on things. He said the emotions had turned him off and he wasn’t wanting to pursue anything “right now”– my approach since then is to continue contacting him sporadically in a positive, non-emotional way. Occasionally he will do the same, but I don’t get the sense he’s dying to talk to me or anything. We met for coffee on Saturday (my invite) which was pleasant and then afterward he was really flirty about how good I looked etc. The signals seem mixed. I’m not sure if I’d have better luck by continuing to reach out to show him it doesn’t need to be emotional all the time or by going silent and giving him space. I’d love some opinions on that.
Keep in mind that I’m contact VERY little-maybe a few texts every other morning, not like I’m blowing up his phone, but it still may be too much.
I guess you both are not sure what to do exactly; him sending him mixed signals means he’s trying a way to figure out which direction he needs to take with you. I understand you two don’t wanna rush things, this is what I would do too if my ex decided to come back. But the situation can’t stay “undefined” forever you know, not too emotional, not too friendly.
Palmtrees, the emotions turned him off? That seems like an odd thing for him to say! It’s definitely mixed signals, but it sounds like he’s also being honest with you in a weird way.
I think you should do this tactic that I’ve read about. be there for him as a friend, and for a week or so, do a few nice things for him. I’m not talking big things, just suggest a movie he might like, or get some photos printed for him, or tell him that there’s a good club night that you think he’ll enjoy. Contact him with something friendly, and a nice gesture, every other day for 2 weeks. Then, completely stop contact for a week. If he starts contacting you a lot once you pull away, you’ll know he’s starting to want you again. If he doesn’t contact you, then you know he’s ungrateful and you can start to work through the process of moving on.
It sounds like a weird thing to do, but it’ll also be good for you because you’ll find out if you actually like doing things for him and being nice to him! If you don’t…well… there’s your answer.
You need to take your time Palmtrees22, if you are tired like me, about this relationship going back and forth, you need to take a decision, because as far as I can see you don’t seem to find one together. Set your deadline and at that time you will have to choose. Could it be final? I don’t know, but we can’t stall forever as I said before.
Lin,
It seems weird out of context but I’m highly emotional and he is about as inexpressive as it gets. It honestly took a break up to realize how much he really cared for me. But I like your plan! It has everything- an opportunity to show I’m not always going to be emotional AND a deadline–two weeks. Which is the perfect date because I’ll be out of town for my race the week after next and that’s something he’ll likely be highly interested in hearing about. Thank you thank you thank you–having no plan or end game is not how I like to operate.
How are you holding up? Seeing anyone?
Ahh okay, do you think emotions make him a bit uncomfortable? My ex is a bit like that. He often shuts off when high emotions are involved, and it means he can’t react and interact properly. It’s very annoying haha.
Oh awesome, maybe start tomorrow then and see how it goes for a couple of weeks! I agree, it’s so much easier to focus when you actually have a plan, right? Especially when it’s short term, because the end is in sight and it looks achievable.
So make a list of some little things you can tell him about, or favours you can do for him, and space them out accordingly to your relationship. Sort of however many times you text him during the week, don’t go overboard.
I’m alright. 🙂 I’m focusing on myself right now to be honest. I’ve spoken to a fair few guys on dating apps but nothing special has come along. I’ve been on a few dates but no second dates! I haven’t really been single properly for about 5 years because I moved from relationships very quickly, so it is probably healthy for me to just focus on work and friends. I still love my ex, but I’m playing the long game.
PAlmtree, the idea Lin has gave u is a great one. I did this with my ex during our last break up. Did little things like she said and showed some support(in small ways) and then left it open for her to contact me(I had picked up some things for her) and didn’t initiate contact for two weeks. It may be just what u need to help balance the emotions and a plan does just that.
I’m not a big fan on set deadlines, because in these situations there is too much emotion and changing variables. And a hard deadline can create irrational decisions, that one may regret just because u decided u need to make a decision then. Especially in your situation when your back in contact with your ex. It all really comes down to what u are willing to deal with and how u feel about things eventually. What Lin has suggested gives u a plan and direction. Which should help u in a lot of ways.
Lin,
It sounds like you’ve got a great perspective on things. Hopefully I’ll get there soon enough too!
Hey Lin, I’m glad your doing alright. I’m in the same mind set u are, maybe just not as confident. I haven’t really been single for 7 years and think I need to take this time to work at that too. I have been dating, but realize I’m not ready nor interested in completely moving on from my ex. It’s tough because my ex is going through such a tough emotional time(with her daughter moving away) that i just want to be there to help. But I can’t push or anything because I don’t see her being in a mind set to cope with what’s in front of her properly. Let alone, try to reconnect at the moment. I’m just hoping what she is going through doesn’t just shut her down completely. And I guess I’m also trying to look at the long picture too.
I think I may reach out Now that she is home and having to face reality of her daughter being gone. But not for a week or two, let her settle some. And just with a short note and possibly a very small gift that I know will help her relax that she will enjoy. This way I let her know I’m thinking of her and I’m here if she needs. And With a note, I won’t expect a response (like I would a text) and it’s more relaxed and personable. It’s definitly easier on myself, and helps me feel like I’ve at least tried something. I have been feeling down, Knowing what she is going through and that I can’t do anything for her unless she wants me to.
Soupy,
As we know, I err on the side of not reaching out BUT, I think that’s a great idea. As long as the gift isn’t too over the top (even flowers just to brighten her mood) and the note is a simple “I know the past few weeks have been difficult, here’s a little something to brighten your day” Given your history and intimacy with this woman AND the fact that you’ve done a great job at giving her space, I think a note like that will be a really well-received sign that you still care-regardless of whether she responds or not. Good luck!
Today for the first time I am not thinking about my situation because I am very sad for what happened last night in the country where I was born.
Thanks pAlmtree, I thought about flowers. But I wasn’t sure if it would come of too intimate. Would it?. I know she will be completely shut down and numb dealing with this. That’s how she operates with major emotional moments and lives in her own head during it. I was actually thinking of giving her a cd of her favorite band. Something fun and relaxing for her to take her mind off things. Just say I came across it and thought of u. Basically along the lines of what u said. Short and sweet, try to cheer her up some and to let her know I’m here for her if she wants.
But I wonder if maybe flowers would be a nice first gesture instead? Especially when I remember what her favorite ones are. And maybe it would be good to keep the cd in my back pocket. And in the future(weeks away, if it warrants it) follow it up with the cd? I will give her space, but a few caring gestures over time can’t really hurt. Anything to do with us, is definitely off the table and not my first intention. I just want to be there for her and show her I will be. Its for her to decide if she wants me to. Which sucks a lot, when u know u can help. Unfortunately this is all bad timing for any ideas of getting back together. Taking a page from Lin I have to think in a bigger picture. And see what happens.
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