MXM

@patricia12
Sorry to take up more of your time.
I received a reply yesterday evening which I guess is progress in itself and I am really trying to look on the positives as you suggested. It was easier to cope with my depression when I focused on myself and didn’t stress over the lack of an answer.
Essentially the reply I got said that she agreed it was for the best to end things as she said we ‘weren’t compatible and didn’t bring out the best in each other.’ She said she wants to remain friends and to remember the good times we had and she said she would try to reply to me whenever possible but her life is still rather hectic at the moment.
How I see what she has sent is as follows: I am not opposed to remaining friends at all and I think that is my best chance of meeting up with her over the summer to try and demonstrate that I am not the person she believes me to be. Regarding her saying we weren’t compatible and that we didn’t bring out the best in each other I agree that by the end of the relationship that certainly wasn’t the case. However in the first two months I really felt that for me she brought out a lot of good in me. We enjoyed doing the same things and I felt we really had a connection that could have developed if I had the chance to open up on a deeper level with her. I don’t really feel that we had the time to properly find out whether or not we truly were compatible etc.

I am in two minds of how to reply so this is what I overall am considering.
Reply idea 1)
A) Acknowledge the suggestion of remaining friends and that I want to rebuild a connection as friends
B) I don’t feel that we truly had the time to properly find out whether we were compatible (as I was depressed for most of the time)
C) Say that I hope we can meet up for for a coffee/concert and enjoy spending time together again
D) Reiterate that I’m working through my depression and that I’ll be the guy I was in the future that she first met
E) Offer to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to/rant about work to

Reply idea 2)
A) Acknowledge her suggestion of remaining friends and that I want to rebuild a connection as friends
B) Say that I hope we can meet up over the summer and enjoy spending time together again
E) Offer to be there if she needs someone to talk to (as above)

I want just to be brutally honest with her on one level just so that I am not being dishonest anymore about my true intentions but equally I don’t want to push her away by making my feelings known.
If you have an alternative idea of what to say or how to reply then please feel free to do so I just can’t afford to mess up this reply.
Many thanks

Yes I hope that I can manage until then, although it feels like the longest wait already.
I did consider that and I would say that’s a disadvantage because it’s easier for her to move on and find someone else. Although with the state of her job at the moment I doubt she’ll be thinking much about dating, don’t take me wrongly I do want her to be happy. If she would be happier with someone else then I guess I’ll move on; I know I would take a long time to do so. Although I guess I still have a chance if I play it cool and she is willing to reply.
Many thanks.

Sure, thanks. I’ll send something tomorrow or at the weekend when she has more time. I still want to make things as easy for her as I can. I know there’s some things in her family too that are going on so probably during the week isn’t ideal. If I don’t get her email then I guess my last resort is a whatsapp message. I hope we can start to call each other as that’s a darn sight easier to do and I think it would make me feel like I’m properly reconnecting with her.

I did tell her when we talked things through post-breakup that I would be there for her if she needed to talk but I guess reiterating that at a later date does no harm.

I wrote that because both my relationships I’ve had have been long distance. My first girlfriend just ignored me so much of the time and didn’t reply to any messages I sent. Essentially she showed me no interest and that really hurt when I put all the effort in. It got to the point that I’d be constantly checking my phone to see whether I had a reply and it hurt when it was constantly read and I got no response. That sent my mental health downhill for the first time and I guess it has stayed with me despite having fought these fears early on with my second girlfriend. I overthink and worry did I say something wrong or am I not interesting enough etc. if I don’t get a reply. I might add some more tomorrow to explain this properly as I’ve probably done a poor job, my writing goes bad when I’m tired!

I worry that she hates me because it almost feels like I have feelings for someone I don’t know or can’t fathom anymore.

Does a lot of the issues we had sound situational? Yes I was a tad on the boring side I know that but I just can’t be sure.

Many thanks!

Ok, I think the only option then is to send it as a letter as I don’t have her email address. We never really needed to send emails so unfortunately I don’t really feel I have that option unless I ask for her email directly which probably wouldn’t be the best idea.
If a letter seems to odd then I feel that the only option I have left will be to send a text or message via Whatsapp etc.
My only concern is asking about her job, she is incredibly miserable with that and I have a feeling that it was the main reason why she got down and the original miscommunication occurred. I’ll change that to something we both have in common and can discuss in depth (if a conversation can be initiated).
I would assume that after sending it I’ve got to wait and see if I get a reply and that overall I’ve got to wait until the summer for anything meaningful to happen and can only attempt to rebuild the attraction via text in the meantime.

Thank you very much for your advice it is very much appreciated.
My final question if that’s ok is as follows:
Do you think I should now send what I drafted above apologising for my short comings by text or letter despite her message effectively ending the conversation? I doubt she’ll pick up the phone as we only phoned once a week when we were together owing to her job which definitely contributed to our fall out. I only worry that a letter might seem a bit creepy as advised by a good friend however a lot of my reading has suggested a letter is ideal. I am very much doing my best to distract myself as best as I can.

Thanks for you advice. We were approximately 100 miles apart but we managed to see each other most weekends. The first 2 and a bit months were wonderful really I didn’t have any really issues at all. I had mentioned earlier on that I had been hurt previously and that I had anxiety, she mentioned that she had been cheated on in the past. Besides that we had a great time visiting each other at weekends, going on walks and just generally spending time together. We had things planned to do when we visited each other top so we could both see a futire
I was a little nervous in the bed room once but that was because I am more or less new to some things in that area. She did say she was worried about how much I worried about things.

The initial miscommunication was in a few parts. 1) I had had phone troubles and asked whether a text had got through, I had made it clear that if she was busy I was fine with it. I simply wanted to know whether it had got through. That worried me that replied coldy to that and opened up old mental scars.
2) The next day we scheduled a phone call which coincided with me having a family member in the house. I took the call but she said it sounded like I was preoccupied and didn’t want to talk to her when in fact I actually did, MASSIVELY. The nail in the coffin came when my family member came into the room to ask a question, I asked her for one moment and she said she’d go. I tried to take her off of speaker phone but accidentally hit the hang up button. I called her back right away but as she was driving on hands free she didn’t pick up. I sent a text to follow up apologising but she ignored me all next day.
3) I have upcoming surgery and had an appointment 2 days after the hang up incident. I said I’d update her over a call the following day and she said that as my Monday was busy that was fine. It was a complicated update so i ran her through the details over text and as she said said I’d call her the next day. Despite saying to phone the next day she had a go at me for lot phoning.
She blanked me for days and my anxiety became out of control so I called her and messaged several times to work out what I’d exactly done. I agreed to make her feel wanted etc. Which as I said I did over the next few weeks. I only asked for reassurance as she seemed to be punishing me as it seemed for weeks afterwards which menat I went further downhill and became more needy. Its only because I got 1 text a day almost at most that it made me depressed.

I realise I should have respected her wishes and I regret that more than I can say.

Yes I am trying to get therapy to stop obsessing over her as it is destroying my life to be honest.

I am OK with her ending things really because for her work situation it was the right thing and I need to get better so I’m not lying when I say that.

Regarding my message, I received an answer text message this morning and it was neutral and short.
I want her to know where I screwed up as that demonstrates change in me. I was hoping I could call her and explain, however I even when things were well she always called me first, her phone always went to answer phone. I feel its too long to send in a text and a letter would be best, however my friends said this would be creepy.

No I never got to say I love you to her, and I wish I had because I do love her I know that. I just though it was too early to say that to her and it would scare her off. I have no confidence if you hadn’t already guessed!

I am trying to get on wjth my own life and am managing to some days but each day I have really really low spots. I am infinitely better in contrast compared to just after the break up, then I lost 10kg and was incapable of looking wafted myself.
Do you think wait a few days and then address the elephant in the room as such?
Oh I know there are no guarantees, I’m not that naive, a guarantee would simply make me feel better. I hope you’re right and she’s confused, knowing her I ought to give her time and she might come round. She is incredibly stubborn, as stubborn as me when I say I’m not giving up on her.

Many thanks,
A slightly less confused bloke