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Sure, thanks. I’ll send something tomorrow or at the weekend when she has more time. I still want to make things as easy for her as I can. I know there’s some things in her family too that are going on so probably during the week isn’t ideal. If I don’t get her email then I guess my last resort is a whatsapp message. I hope we can start to call each other as that’s a darn sight easier to do and I think it would make me feel like I’m properly reconnecting with her.
I did tell her when we talked things through post-breakup that I would be there for her if she needed to talk but I guess reiterating that at a later date does no harm.
I wrote that because both my relationships I’ve had have been long distance. My first girlfriend just ignored me so much of the time and didn’t reply to any messages I sent. Essentially she showed me no interest and that really hurt when I put all the effort in. It got to the point that I’d be constantly checking my phone to see whether I had a reply and it hurt when it was constantly read and I got no response. That sent my mental health downhill for the first time and I guess it has stayed with me despite having fought these fears early on with my second girlfriend. I overthink and worry did I say something wrong or am I not interesting enough etc. if I don’t get a reply. I might add some more tomorrow to explain this properly as I’ve probably done a poor job, my writing goes bad when I’m tired!
I worry that she hates me because it almost feels like I have feelings for someone I don’t know or can’t fathom anymore.
Does a lot of the issues we had sound situational? Yes I was a tad on the boring side I know that but I just can’t be sure.
Many thanks!
@MXM I wish you would stop using the word hate. She might not be interested in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean she hates you! Yes, maybe her moods/behavior are situational because she’s unhappy at the school where she’s teaching.
Therapy will help you with your insecurities, but you need to take the advice of your therapist and help yourself too.
If it doesn’t work out with her, I suggest you date women who live much closer to your own area. Long distant relationships are difficult to maintain.
Try not to worry and overthink things. Take each day as it comes and do the best you can for that day. Don’t dwell on the past and don’t worry for the future:)
I would tend to agree there, to use the cliche: Hate is a strong word.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there, when her work was at its worst she definitely was at her unhappiest so I guess I have got to wait for the summer until we have a prolonged time where she’s in a good mood. Hopefully from there we can work on the connection and work around difficult times.
Oh I agree LDR’s are tough, I don’t know of many that have worked out however I feel like once I address my own mental insecurities we could make it work.
I agree, since taking everyday as it comes I’ve been feeling a load better. I’m planning on asking for her email tomorrow evening and then go from there really. I guess the easiest way to rebuild with her is to do it gradual and then hopefully have built enough connection to go for it in the summer as such.Many thanks
@MXM Your post makes sense about waiting until summer and then maybe ask for a meetup. By then, you will be in therapy and will have made some improvements too.
In the meantime, don’t overwhelm her with emails or texts!
To put this in perspective, your relationship was only 3 months, so maybe not enough time for her to become emotionally attached to you..
And yes, gradually and slowly rebuild a connection with her.
Wishing you luck:)
Yes I hope that I can manage until then, although it feels like the longest wait already.
I did consider that and I would say that’s a disadvantage because it’s easier for her to move on and find someone else. Although with the state of her job at the moment I doubt she’ll be thinking much about dating, don’t take me wrongly I do want her to be happy. If she would be happier with someone else then I guess I’ll move on; I know I would take a long time to do so. Although I guess I still have a chance if I play it cool and she is willing to reply.
Many thanks.Well I asked for her email address got a prompt reply so all’s sent. Thanks for your help it is much appreciated. Now it the waiting game again!
@MXM Now all you have to do is wait and see if she replies. If she does, it might take a while as she thinks things over. Be patient and don’t send anything more in the meantime..
Good luck:)
@patricia12
Sorry to take up more of your time.
I received a reply yesterday evening which I guess is progress in itself and I am really trying to look on the positives as you suggested. It was easier to cope with my depression when I focused on myself and didn’t stress over the lack of an answer.
Essentially the reply I got said that she agreed it was for the best to end things as she said we ‘weren’t compatible and didn’t bring out the best in each other.’ She said she wants to remain friends and to remember the good times we had and she said she would try to reply to me whenever possible but her life is still rather hectic at the moment.
How I see what she has sent is as follows: I am not opposed to remaining friends at all and I think that is my best chance of meeting up with her over the summer to try and demonstrate that I am not the person she believes me to be. Regarding her saying we weren’t compatible and that we didn’t bring out the best in each other I agree that by the end of the relationship that certainly wasn’t the case. However in the first two months I really felt that for me she brought out a lot of good in me. We enjoyed doing the same things and I felt we really had a connection that could have developed if I had the chance to open up on a deeper level with her. I don’t really feel that we had the time to properly find out whether or not we truly were compatible etc.I am in two minds of how to reply so this is what I overall am considering.
Reply idea 1)
A) Acknowledge the suggestion of remaining friends and that I want to rebuild a connection as friends
B) I don’t feel that we truly had the time to properly find out whether we were compatible (as I was depressed for most of the time)
C) Say that I hope we can meet up for for a coffee/concert and enjoy spending time together again
D) Reiterate that I’m working through my depression and that I’ll be the guy I was in the future that she first met
E) Offer to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to/rant about work toReply idea 2)
A) Acknowledge her suggestion of remaining friends and that I want to rebuild a connection as friends
B) Say that I hope we can meet up over the summer and enjoy spending time together again
E) Offer to be there if she needs someone to talk to (as above)I want just to be brutally honest with her on one level just so that I am not being dishonest anymore about my true intentions but equally I don’t want to push her away by making my feelings known.
If you have an alternative idea of what to say or how to reply then please feel free to do so I just can’t afford to mess up this reply.
Many thanks@MXM Do not say this:”I don’t feel that we truly had the time to properly find out whether we were compatible (as I was depressed for most of the time)” That’s your opinion which doesn’t consider her opinion.
Idea # 2 is okay. You could add that you’re still in therapy to work through your depression. Do not use the word rant. Simply say you’re there if she wants to talk about work or anything.
Do not say:”I’m working through my depression and that I’ll be the guy I was in the future that she first met”
@patricia12
Thanks. I knew deep down that number 1 was not the right message to send I was in panic mode for sure and it had felt like the break up all over again really.
I’m looking on the positives that she replied and offered to be friends. I see being friends as the best way to get back with her in the future.
As I have effectively told you the entire situation and you know roughly why things went downhill how would you say (if we ever meet) how would you suggest going about showing her (I know telling isn’t enough) that we are or could he compatible? I know there are lots of changes I need to make and have already done to my life but it’s my mindset that really needs changing however I still maintain that I did everything for the best as I did what she asked me to after the initial miscommunication.v
I was tempted to ask her why she said that but I realised it was a semi-excuse as to skirt around the real issue that essentially she lost interest and attraction with me.
Many thanks@MXM I re-read #2 B)”Say that I hope we can meet up over the summer and enjoy spending time together again” don’t say again.
You have to stop letting “relationships” affect your mental health or feelings of self-worth! Yes, you were overthinking too much, probably texting too much, and obsessing about replies to texts too much, and then acting needy and desperate.
Self-confidence does not come from what others say, do, or think of you; it comes from within you, what you think of yourself!
You can not show her or tell her about compatibility! That is a decision she makes!
If or when you meetup, just have fun and don’t act needy by asking for any type of reassurance. And don’t bring up any unpleasant memories from the past.
I assume you’re very young, but you will learn how to better handle your emotions in therapy and as you grow older..
Good luck:)
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