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From what you wrote, you’re obviously someone who really cares and who tries to do what is best even when it hurts. You’ll end up with a great relationship at some point because of that. I wish you the best 🙂
My 2 cents:
Forget about her and work on your other issues. When you’ve cleared up your other issues in life, you’ll find someone. It probably won’t be her but it will be someone. I know it hurts and I know it sucks but that’s the way it goes.
I wouldn’t think about anything in the past, what you said or anything else. You’ve done nothing wrong. The main issue is that you want some kind of commitment and he doesn’t want to commit to anything.
Do you see that changing? Nobody can answer that question but you. My hunch is it won’t change but that’s just a guess from reading what you wrote.
My 2 cents.
I wouldn’t see him until you truly feel you can be with him as just a friend. Otherwise, it is just asking for more pain and heartbreak. It sounds like you aren’t there now. My guess is you won’t be there for a long time but you never know… I’d take it one day at a time and work on making yourself happy and meeting other people.
When you have a real loving relationship with someone, you collect so many memories, photographs, items, etc. that you happen on later on in life at random times and no matter how long it has been, they will just stop you in your tracks.
30 years from now a special song will throw up memories. Or you will find something in the back of a drawer. It doesn’t matter how long it has been. It just doesn’t hurt as much as it used to and doesn’t cause you to feel depressed for the rest of the day.
When it is fresh, one thing can ruin your whole day. But after time, it is more of a numb feeling where the feeling comes, you understand it, and then it passes and you go on.
Ouch, this doesn’t sound like it is going to end well. I’m going to be honest.
You are essentially saying you are staying with your husband for money and you’d leave him if he didn’t have any. I’m being honest from what I read you wrote.
You have strong feelings for G but he isn’t stable. You want kids but you also want security. G can give you kids and is probably more exciting to be with as it is a secret relationship but you don’t see how that will work out long term and it sounds like G might not really want to be a good father, he just wants you to have kids and wants to have some fun. The excitement the relationship might give you is temporary.
What you need to consider at this point is you might lose both of them. You might end up pregnant from G, then your husband leaves you and then G doesn’t really want to take care of kids, he just likes the idea of having kids and he can’t support them financially anyway. So, you end up with a kid or kids but without a partner in life to be a father to them. And a ton of drama while it is all going on.
So, what to do here?
A vasectomy is reversible and it is much cheaper to do that than to do in vitro fertilization or do adoption. It is called a vasectomy reversal and they just put the tubes back together. Unless there is some other reason he got one (genetic reasons, etc.) the instead of considering in vitro or adoption, would he consider that?
I would agree with patricia12 and I would have a very serious talk with your husband about that. All I know about him is that you wrote he got a vasectomy which means he felt like he was done having kids. And he must have felt like when he married you that you knew the deal. But you said he is willing to talk about in vitro and such so that’s a sign that he really cares about you.
Honestly, the relationship with G has a good chance of destroying everything you want. I wish the best for you.
NC is a good idea but the guy needs to understand that you don’t understand what they expected or that you might be willing to change behavior if it is talked out, if you are. Did he give specific examples about what upset him or was it just a general feeling of his? Are you willing to work that through with him?
If so, my 2 cents would be to continue no contact after sending him something explaining that you might have been doing things that upset him without knowing what it was and you are willing to talk it through and change your behavior so you can both be happy in the future, if that’s the case. This puts the ball in his court in terms of the relationship.
Guys can be difficult to understand sometimes when it comes to how they feel about other guys, especially when it comes to their girlfriend and interaction with other guys.
It sounds like you are handling things like you should at this point and congratulations on making it 31 days of NC. You need to just see what happens.
You can’t make someone miss you. They either miss you or they don’t. There’s nothing you can do to force them to miss you.
The only time no contact can really cause an issue in a case like this is if the other party doesn’t know you want to get back together or thinks you don’t care. If the other party doesn’t know one or the other, then both people might think it is over because the other person doesn’t care when it actually isn’t over.
In this case, he knows, pretty well, that you care and you want to get back together. Because of that, contacting him more is only going to push him away.
My 2 cents would be to continue no contact (or attempted no contact :)). I know he is there for a time and gone for a time but I don’t think that should go into the equation to determine how long you should be in no contact. No contact is also a time to work on yourself and to do things to make yourself feel better, not thinking about the other party as much as possible. Not because you don’t care but because you do.
When you contact and ex and they send something short back that doesn’t lead to any more conversation, it means they don’t want to talk. That could be for any number of reasons but that’s the general rule.
And it is infuriating. Because they should know that you are sending the message because you hurt. Because they should care that you miss them. Because they should miss you. Because they should think about the good times you had and they should want to have more of them.
And you know what, you deserve an explanation. You deserve a long letter back explaining what is going on and why. It should explain how he feels and if he doesn’t care he should say he doesn’t care and explain why and if he has moved on, he should explain that he has and explain the reasons. Because you deserve to know if you should keep waiting for him or not. You deserve clarity on whether you should just move on. It isn’t fair for them just to say something short and meaningless and leave you dangling. It makes you feel like you were stupid to say anything. Like your stuck your hand out and they slapped it back.
But is he going to give any explanation to you? No. He’ll give you some one sentence note saying “Hope you are doing well” or some stupid thing like that.
“Hope you are doing well”.. Does that mean he is still interested? Usually not.
It usually means he doesn’t want to be mean but he feels, at this point, he doesn’t want to communicate. And he doesn’t know how much it hurts you because he doesn’t hurt.
My 2 cents:
Continue no contact. And do some things to make yourself happy. Try not to think of him for a bit. That’s not because you don’t care for him and that isn’t to stop caring. It is to give yourself a break. If he really cares, he will contact you.
And be happy with one thing. You are the one who loves too deeply. That can be very painful, of course, when something like this happens. But would you be happier being the opposite? Being someone who wasn’t able to care that deeply about someone else?
I hope your find someone who will reciprocate your love for them. Whether that ends up being this guy or someone else 🙂
Yes. I think you have a chance. I wish you the best of luck.
My 2 cents and one small piece of advice: when talking with her at this time, spend more time listening than talking. This isn’t because of anything you said in what you wrote, it is just a good idea in general at this point.
Ah, the one who answers others questions well has a question herself 🙂
I did read the whole thing. He initiated the breakup and resulting no contact (essentially) and it has been 19 days now (post was posted 4 days ago) and he hasn’t contacted you at all.
My 2 cents.
Q: What do you do to stop hurting?
A: You’ve been wounded and that wound has to heal either way. It takes a long time, it gets a tiny bit better every day.
Q: Is it worth salvaging?
A: Let’s say the relationship continued just as it did before. With good times interspersed with the exact same bad times you’ve had. Would the relationship be worth it? Do you think he is going to change? Can you see the same thing happening again if you got back together again? Again, do you think he is going to change? If he doesn’t, is it worth it?
Q: What is going on in his mind?
A: I really don’t know. The guy sounds like he’s all over the map and I’m a guy and I can usually read something into things like this. I can’t understand the motivation for his behavior in this situation.
Q: Do I think he is missing you?
A: That shouldn’t be a concern of yours at this point. No contact is for you to work on you as well and not to try to guess what he is thinking.
I think your extension of no contact is a good idea at this point. I wish you the best 🙂 Each day is a tiny bit better than the previous.
You know the answer. And it just hurts so much and that’s why you wrote everything out.
It is day to day. Don’t focus on a week or a month or year from now, focus on today. And each day you get through, it is a little better.
You want him to miss you and tell you he’s coming back. And every day you want that. And, honestly, he could. Or he couldn’t.
But you know you can’t think about that (even though you do).
And so it is one day at a time. Work on yourself and doing other things to make your life better and to make yourself happy. And when you find yourself thinking of the relationship, think of a good thing about it and move on. Each day it gets a tiny bit better to deal with.
It is in his hands now, not yours. He knows you want the relationship to continue. If he doesn’t want it to continue, it won’t. There’s nothing you can do about it at this point that you haven’t done. I wish you the best.
I can’t answer all the questions but I can give my 2 cents.
If you are in a group chat that she is in, remove yourself from the chat. No contact just doesn’t mean no talking to her, it is a period of time to work on yourself and attempt to not think about her all the time. It is a time to deal mentally with the breakup. The more they are interjected into your life (Facebook, group chats, etc.) the more difficult it is for you to process the emotional part of the breakup yourself.
I don’t know what to say about what happens if she is going out with some other guy.
If she contacts you during the no contact period, you don’t want her thinking you are done with the relationship. I think a message like “I am taking some time to think about our relationship and to work on myself” and that is it is very reasonable. It tells her that you value the relationship, doesn’t bother her and also tells her what you are doing without going into too much. If she sends a short message after that, you can ignore it until the end of the NC period because you’ve already told her what you are doing.
