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My 2 cents would be to take the last post you have above, drop the first paragraph and change it from being directed at the people here to being directed at her. For example, the first sentence would be changed from:
“The thing is that this girl is definitely worth fighting for.”
to
“The thing is that I feel you are definitely worth fighting for.”
and for example, it could be ended with:
“Do you think we’re worth a shot? How would I get you to see the improved me?”
Then I’d send the whole thing to her, just as you wrote it (but changed to be directed at her).
This lets her know exactly how you feel, what questions you have and where you are. And then you can go NC.
When people go NC, the other person may feel that the person who went NC is just giving up and moving on. And so they give up. Before NC, the other person should know how you feel. Then they know what is on the other side if they choose to go back to it.
If they can’t deal with the reality of how you feel, as it really is, then it isn’t going to work. That would be my 2 cents for your situation.
I hope you’re doing well. It’s still early so it is probably still part of that difficult time where you are thinking about the other person a lot, especially when you have time to yourself.
“You are right, swiping right was no accident. I made a conscious, albeit impulsive decision. ”
Any of us who have been through a breakup like that have done the same thing. An opportunity presents itself where you can see how the other person is doing a little bit or see what they look like now and you take it figuring that it won’t be too bad to see it. And you are curious. It tends to create a minor depression and the feeling lasts a couple days and then it slowly goes away.
What do you think you should do at this point? What would be the best for you? Do you think he cared about you as much as you did about him?
Anxiety, difficulty eating, sleeping and concentrating are common side effects of breaking up with someone. It goes away with time. Unfortunately, it is just a really difficult process.
I agree with patricia but I’d also add that you seem to know yourself pretty well and know the situation better than anyone so whatever you decide yourself is probably the best cause of action.
You’ve been in no contact since Nov 6th…
Honestly, I would have thought that if you went no contact with him for 3 weeks he’d contact you. Did you post anything to your snapchat or instagram or anything with other guys in the pics? He has trust issues from you telling other guys you love them and all sorts of other stuff. If you posted stuff with other guys, he is not going to contact you.
If you only posted stuff to instagram and snapchat showing you work on yourself like at the gym or doing some sport event or with other girls but no guys except for your step dad or someone like that, you’d have a much better chance of him contacting you. He plays basketball, maybe post something of you playing basketball or watching a basketball game or something but not with any guys.
Now, the above isn’t no contact really. During no contact you aren’t supposed to post something for them to see. But I think this is a special case because he broke up with you mostly because of trust issues around what he saw as lies (fake tinder profiles, etc.). This break up may be a kind of test to see if you break up if you start going out with other guys again once you aren’t together. If you show you aren’t doing it and you show him you are working on yourself and making yourself better, it might get him to contact you. If that doesn’t work, continue no contact. I think he has to contact you at this point given the situation. If he doesn’t, work to move on.
I think it is part of the healing process and it is understandable. He is showing some affection towards her and he knows she still thinks of him. And he knows he didn’t give her a reason for breaking up and she wanted to have some reason.
He may be ignorant of what he is doing or feeling like he is just being friendly but he should also know better.
sky, I’m sure you will find someone new who cares about you more than he did. You wrote this a while ago:
“I feel better when someone is flirting me and sometimes I am thinking well I will be with someone else, new dreams, new life…but when I am alone I am thinking the life that we would have with my ex”
and that’s exactly how it goes. At night and when you are alone is when you think about what could have been. It happens to everyone after a breakup where two people were close. And the closer the relationship was, the more it hurts. The heart wants what it wants.
It gets easier to deal with the loss and the heart heals with time. And when you find someone new, you heart will move on and you’ll find that at night and when you are alone, you don’t think about him any more, you think about other things. I know you’ve partially moved on but I also know you probably still think about it when you are alone.
Make sure he gets out of the apartment. You shouldn’t have to stay with friends, your name is on the apartment and, on top of it, he broke up with you. No contact doesn’t count for discussions around that.
It sounds cliché but… work on other things, on bettering yourself. When you find yourself thinking about the relationship with her, actively work to do something else so you don’t think about. It gets easier with time but it can take a long time. Most of us have been there.
You said it yourself:
“I know that I obviously have to go about my own life, and let their relationship succeed or fail or whatever it’s gonna do, and I obviously need to take that time to improve myself in as MANY ways as I can. But I know this will be very difficult as my daughter and her continue to see each other, and I am sure to be involved.”
That sounds pretty good.
One thing I’d mention is it sounds like you and your ex got along well when your daughter was out of the picture. And then when your ex was out of the picture, your daughter got along with your ex. But when you were all together, things weren’t working out. I wonder if everyone has to live together again if things would just go south again. I know people who I can get along with as long as I don’t have to live with them and if I have to live with them, we drive each other crazy.
Additionally, you asked this:
“how to do this and navigate through this maze and create re-attraction in her and ultimately be back with her?”
but you also said this:
“Yet she has said that what she would have wished for most of all was that we had stayed together in the past, and has said I would definitely be with you (in the future) if things don’t work out with him. ”
So, it sounds like you don’t need to create re-attraction in her.
You seem to have the answers already.
I agree with patricia. He’s the one who broke up, he needs to be the one to make the effort to get back together.
What is your ex-girlfriend doing now? Is she going out with another guy? The reason I ask is because the “takes me for granted” reason can mean another guy is involved. It isn’t always the case but it is common.
In any case, my 2 cents would be to go no contact. Since you like to travel, take a trip somewhere. Build up your self confidence without her and deal with and face up to the loss. After that, you can decide what you want to do and she can be given the space to figure out what she wants.
And if she’s going out with someone else, she can see how that works out. I’m not giving this advice lightly, I know it is incredibly painful, worse than the loss of a limb, since it the loss of your whole outlook and what you were expecting to do in life.
As I started reading your post, I figured she was going out with someone else when I got to the “just be friends” part. And then it was clear she was. She was most likely doing that while she was going out with you.
She probably started going out with Jake and then tried to “just be friends” with you. That didn’t work and she got in too deep and was going out with both of you at the same time. She made a decision to go with the other guy the second time she said she just wanted to be friends. My 2 cents is you need to go NC on this one. Anything else is just heartache and will drive her way. If she comes back, it needs to be her decision, you can’t make it for her and she’s going out with someone else right now.
