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I’m sorry things are so painful. Love causes to much happiness and so much pain.
You seem to have done everything right so far. I would guess it will continue to be painful but you will do what is right for yourself going forward. Working on making yourself happy and yourself better is great. I wouldn’t suggest contacting him. I would wait for him to contact you and then make a decision of what you want to do then. Continue to work on making things better for yourself, you’ve done a great job so far.
You said you didn’t cheat on her because you went out with other girls when you were broken up with this girl. And you said this girl has some kind of trauma about cheating, is that from a previous relationship of hers? It sounds like you are still talking with her even though it is messy.
My first question is, is this a girl you want a long term relationship with? If so, can you stop talking to other girls during short break up periods and doing things to make this girl jealous. This girl is apparently driven crazy by jealousy and by the thought of cheating so if you are going to do either of those things, it isn’t going to go well.
Second question is, would you be willing to say “I am sorry I did something that hurt you so much. I am human, I make mistakes and I made a mistake. I am willing to do whatever you ask to make up for it and we can work together so I know how to not do something that makes you this unhappy in the future. I promise I will work with you on that. I can’t change what happened in the past but together, we can make sure it doesn’t happen in the future”
Are you willing to say that or no? It isn’t a challenge, it is just a question.
If you can’t help making her jealous and during short breakups, talking to other girls, etc. and if you don’t feel you made a mistake yourself, then I would go no contact for 30 days to work on meeting other people, etc.
But if you do think you made a mistake, are willing to let her tell you what you need to do and think you can do the above, I would have a serious conversation with her about what is written above.
Good relationships can make it through messy situations like this but it requires both people to be willing to work on making things better. If you are willing to work on it and she isn’t, it isn’t going to work. And if she is willing to work on it and you aren’t, it isn’t going to work. You need to have a conversation with her about both of you doing things for the other person to help them out.
And if you find either side isn’t willing, then no contact is the best solution so you and she can both take some time off to get a better perspective on things.
The mind and the heart are two different things. The heart wants what it wants. That’s why there are so many love songs and why relationships are so painful when they go wrong.
You say you are 99% over him. That’s your mind speaking. Reading your posts, it is obvious your heart isn’t 99% over him. And you know that because you say you are worried you will be weak. It sounds like you are worried you will get back with him if he does want you back.
What is the reason you are worried you will get back with him? Is it because he left for some other girl? Is it because you think he was cheating on you with the other girl or because he lied about the reason for the breakup?
Is that the only reason or are there others? Were things good other than that?
He is obviously not over you as he is contacting you in different ways.
Maybe he thought he could get a better deal but it didn’t work out. You said this “People make mistakes you are right but they have to live with this and if you make a decision know the consequences.”
And I agree completely.
But, to me, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. We have to deal with the consequences and try to make them right if we can. Sometimes we can’t make them right. Sometimes we can make them “right enough”.
Could a relationship with him ever work? Is there any way he could make things “right enough”? He can’t change the past but is there anything he could do to make things “right enough” for the future for you.
If there isn’t, you should fight your heart, delete the instagram follow and have no contact at all, in any way, for at least a month from here.
If there is, you need to continue to work on making your life better and if he does come back and you go with it, make sure it is clear what he needs to do to make things “right enough”. If he does it, it is a sign of respect and that things could work. If he doesn’t, it is a sign of disrespect and it just won’t work.
I wish you the best.
Her relationship with that guy isn’t going to last. Especially if he is texting another girl, who is 15 on top of everything else.
A 23 year old texting a 15 year old is not OK if is about the subject matter one would expect. As the 15 year old is your brothers girlfriend, has your brother told her to tell her parents about the texting if there is an issue with improper texts? Someone should talk to somebody about it.
In any case, I don’t see that relationship lasting. She obviously knows you are still interested, the best you can do is work on your own life and to be as happy and successful as you can be. When her relationship with the other guy falls apart, she might come back at that point. I wouldn’t have much contact with her before that, given her behavior.
If you tell her you are willing to have a relationship even after being with this guy now, you will seem like a doormat who doesn’t stick up for himself. That is not appealing. I’d suggest working on making your own life better and if she comes back, tell her you’re willing to have a relationship (if you are) but only if she is honest and you can talk through what happened before. And you would want to tell her something needs to change going forward.
She has chosen a guy who is controlling (or uncontrolled himself) and so she is likely looking for someone to “lead” in the relationship.
If you don’t want him contacting you, deleting the message with no response was the best way to handle things. My guess is still that he wants to get back with you in some way or he wouldn’t be contacting you at all. If you’ve told him you don’t want him to contact you and he still does it, he isn’t respecting you.
If you want to get over someone and you are finding it difficult, sometimes it helps to reminds yourself of about all the horrible things they did. And if you have repeated thoughts about something, you can have a little mantra you can repeat to yourself that helps stop the thoughts. Something like “he left me and ..” <something negative>. The positive thoughts and wishes can be countered by repeating the mantra and remembering the negative.
This isn’t to bring yourself to hate him, it is just to help you disconnect by remembering the pain which is the reason you don’t want to contact him.
Your post was 10 days ago but I want to say that your response was really good. It is up to her from there.
I agree with what patricia said and what you were thinking is totally normal given the situation. It still seems to me you are doing all the right things.
You’d never get an “I told you so” from me. People don’t to choose who they love.
What I said was just my guess from reading what you wrote and knowing other relationships and my own experience. The majority of people aren’t fully honest with other people. Some are, they are the diamonds in the rough.
The problem I see here is that you care and are willing to commit and she isn’t. That’s just going to be a lot of pain for you and I hope you do find someone who will commit to you like you are willing to commit to them. I do wish you the best.
It sounds like you know what is going on and what you should do. You say you don’t know how to move on.. but you know that disconnecting is the way to go and you just take it a day at a time. She broke up with you because she didn’t want to commit so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things not only for yourself but for him. Sometimes the best thing someone can do for someone else is to give them time and let them work out their own issues. I wish you the best.
I read the whole thing too. I’m going to be brutally honest here. Could be right or could be wrong. This is my 2 cents.
In my opinion, she was lying to you and going out with one or likely multiple other guys when you were away. She’s a person who needs a lot of attention and she isn’t shy about it from the letters you posted. And she is good looking so she doesn’t need to look hard to get attention.
My guess is what happened is when you went away, she jumped on tindr (or similar) because she was lonely. That’s how you met her yourself. And she justified it to herself saying she wouldn’t do anything. That’s her “I’m a virgin” thing. And then she just kept doing it.
She felt guilty about it, somewhat, and that’s why she wrote things like “I wish I was the person you thought I was”. That’s her telling you what’s been going on. Now she’s dating someone else or just dating around which is the same thing she was doing before. She knows she can’t commit to you so it is over for her.
When she was with you and when you were around, she was all over you. But when you went away, she got lonely and went for others to get the same feeling. And she didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to hurt you. And she knows that’s the type of person she is. And the more you told her how great she was, how much you missed her, how much… etc. the more she couldn’t tell you because she didn’t want you to be upset.
If that’s the story everything fits in place. That’s why she went cold, why things changed. She tried to explain it to you by basically blaming your work away was the reason for the problem. But it wasn’t, that is just a justification and a way of telling you what was going on.
I know you still think she is a great girl for you, goes to church, is a virgin, etc. but in my opinion, she’s totally the wrong person for you and she isn’t even the person you think she is because she been selective about telling you the truth.
People don’t leave for no reason and I’d only see someone saying things like this if they’ve screwed up:
“But for example I need someone that pushes me to be better because I do have so many flaws”
“I need someone that’s willing to acknowledge my flaws and not just let me continue being the way I am even if it’s not okay”
“You really deserve someone so amazing I’m so sorry I really wish I was as great as you see me to be”
You obviously committed to her. I don’t see anything in what you wrote about going out with others or finding someone else. She can’t commit to you and doesn’t feel the same. Some other woman will. I wish you the best.
People are human and can make mistakes. I am not going to say you should respond to him or not. I can only say that people make mistakes, people can change and even good people screw up. None of us are perfect. This doesn’t mean anyone has to live with someone else’s lies or should contact them after a breakup.
From what you wrote, it sounds like he either wants to clear his conscience or get back with you. Probably the latter or he wouldn’t be contacting you at all. I can’t know what his mindset it from what you wrote. I wish you the best.
You’re obsessed and it isn’t healthy. You need to work on your own life and find some way to disconnect from your obsession over her. I know you said everything is fine but it hasn’t been long enough to be fine. You seem to be seeking justification for why it is OK to contact with her even when that isn’t healthy for either of you at this time.
