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It sounds a mess but also sounds like it is going OK given the situation. At some point, you should be in control of the relationship and she should follow your lead because she doesn’t seem like the person who has the kind of mentality to lead or direct things. You will eventually need to tell her what you expect from her in the relationship and if you don’t get it or she messes up (blackouts going out with friends etc. are unacceptable behavior), you need to be willing to leave to find someone better.
Long distance relationships can only work if both sides make them work. You did your part, she didn’t.
She lied to you. She cheated on you. She dumped you. Objectively, she couldn’t have treated the relationship much worse. If she treated the relationship responsibly, she would have talked to you about what was going on. She wouldn’t have lied to you. If she cared, she might have dumped you if things didn’t work out but she would have at least been honest about what was going on.
If the relationship is going to work again, it is going to need to work for both of you. How can you trust her after what she did when she hasn’t appeared to have apologized or said she did something wrong? All she seems to have said is that you were “two different people”
You said all your girlfriends have cheated on you. What is causing you to end up relationships with women who cheat on you? Even after this girl did, you still told her you love her and want to be with her.
Let’s say she said she wanted to get back together again right now and you took her back. Can you honestly say the same thing wouldn’t happen again with her? Does she feel terrible? Has she apologized? Has she said she is working to change her behavior and has she shown she is? Has she done anything to make you confident it won’t happen again?
My opinion is that you need to work on yourself even more than this relationship or any other relationship. You can’t accept people taking advantage of you. It is not good for you and it is not good for your relationships going forward. If you are with a woman and they aren’t honest with you, you need to call them on it and something needs to happen. They can’t be allowed to do that in a relationship and it is your job to ensure it doesn’t. This means you have to be willing to leave them. Not because you don’t care, but because you do.
Loving someone means you can’t accept behavior from them which is negative and destructive to the relationship because it is not good for them or you and they need to change. You don’t exist to excuse their behavior and be their emotional pin cushion. That isn’t about being a jerk, it is being a good partner.
Honestly, the best thing you could probably do in this circumstance to get this woman back is to not take any of her crap ever again. Work on making your life better. And if she wants a relationship with you, tell her she has to change and make up for what she did before. You’ve lost trust in her and she needs to regain it. That is not your job, it is hers because she screwed up. But she has to come back. You aren’t some backup plan she gets to have whenever she feels down.
This is such a difficult situation to be in. It is almost worse than a firm breakup because it is a grey area where it is impossible for you to move on since she isn’t shutting the door completely.
Hearing your story, I would have assumed the original story would have been that she met another guy she found attractive and since both of you had been together for such a long time, she though she might want to “try another option”. Because of that, she made you feel like you “took the relationship for granted” and that was her justification for leaving and going out with someone else.
Please understand that was (and still is) my assumption after reading your original story but that I do not know the situation at all. I could be completely wrong. I only know the situations that I have had experience with myself or through friends. And from my experience, the above is one normal situation that happens.
There are times in a relationship where a couple pays more or less attention to each other. Work, kids, other family, health problems can all lead to a lower level of attention paid between partners. And partners work that out with each other. A good partner shouldn’t just bail out of a relationship when times get tough. Your original post said the breakup happened “suddenly”. That’s not how they should happen. If she had a problem, she should have worked with you to fix it and things should have been attempted and only after trying all options, should she have broken the relationship up. That’s how it works when both partners are serious about a relationship. Life is not a smooth and gentle stream.
It can take years to get over a breakup like you had. But, the good news is, it does get a tiny bit better every day. It is 100X worse when you have time alone, that’s when you start feeling like you should tell her something or send her something. When your mind is busy on other things, it is easier. That’s why I mentioned taking a trip. You have to occupy yourself with something other than thoughts of her to help the healing process.
The things that prevent healing are this contact you are having with her. And constant, repeated thoughts of her also help prevent the healing process.
I can’t make a decision for you but I do have some advice to give. The advice is this: you have to determine, with your logical mind, whether you really feel you can have a relationship with her like you did before. Will she be willing to do it and will you be willing to do it.
I also ask whether you would be able to do it because she broke up without warning. How are you going to deal with trust going forward, given that? She needs to work on her communication skills or whatever caused the “sudden” breakup.
If the answer is yes for both of you, you can keep doing whatever you are doing. If the answer is no, you have to help yourself by letting yourself heal. You have to overcome the emotional part of your mind and work to put bandaids on your emotional wounds and not rip them off.
Ripping them off is any contact with her. Ripping them off is sitting alone and thinking of her. Get rid of all your emails, messages and everything so you can’t read them again. That’s what helps you heal. Go out with someone else and when she enters your mind, work on other things. Over time, it will slowly get better.
I have a question. What would you advise a friend in your situation who told you the same story you told here?
It sounds like he was just being rude which is pretty bad given he was the one who broke up with you. I don’t think it is a good sign or a bad sign and I don’t think it is an indicator of whether he’ll text again.
Ok, that makes more sense at least. So, maybe she said no kissing because she is going out with someone else. But at the same time, she obviously still has feelings for you or she wouldn’t have met up with you and showed you affection at all. You can’t force her to want to be with you but you can make yourself better to make yourself more appealing to her. What that means is different to different women. But how it is going to work at all if she is in a different city and you don’t see her often?
It’s been over 3 weeks since you posted that but..
you wrote this:
“…So it escalated from there and I couldn’t take it anymore. I set her name to do not answer on my phone, blocked her on all social media…”
and that was the 100% correct thing to do. Honestly, she might shape up at this point because she knows she messed up and its bad enough that maybe she can change. I’m guessing you’ve already made a decision so any advice on that is probably too late.
I’m sorry it has hurt for so long. Sometimes it is like that. The heart wants what it wants.
I’ll give my 2 cents.
You did everything for her, she took you for granted and just wanted something else. It wasn’t you, she didn’t want to commit and wants to have a different life where she just goes out and does what she wants without the responsibility and commitment of a permanent relationship.
You are over analyzing your actions. The only thing you did wrong is you cared for someone and wanted a permanent relationship with someone who just didn’t want one. And you couldn’t have known that at the beginning or at the time.
So, what to do now. Right now, she doesn’t want a permanent relationship. She wants to do what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to hurt you but she also doesn’t want to go back to the way it was. Will she change? Not for a while at least. She’ll probably go out with another guy, if she isn’t already, because she can. And it isn’t to hurt you, it is just her doing what she wants.
There likely not much you can do at this point to get her to want to go back to a relationship with you right now. I’d suggest no contact. Maybe she’ll wise up and know what she lost. But I think right now she doesn’t want to feel tied down to anyone or anything. Some day she might figure out what she lost. But it will take time. I’m not sure how much time you’d be willing to give her and by then, you’ll probably have found someone who doesn’t take you for granted. My 2 cents.
I’m not sure what’s going on here. I understand her breaking up the time she found the messages. And I understand her breaking up when you told her you were going to go out with someone else. But other than that, she seems kind of controlling in that she wants to break up with you and she gets really mad if you are the one to break up with her.
Maybe that is what is going on. She wants you to want her and then she wants to reject you, so she keeps doing it. If that’s the case, I’m not sure what you can do. She will act like she wants to be with you and then will end up rejecting you. No contact seems to make her want to contact you but just so you’ll go back and then she can reject you.
Honestly, it sounds like she needs to figure out what she wants. If she wants to be with you, she knows she can contact you. She knows you’ll be in her city. There’s nothing else you can really do from here. I’d go no contact until she contacts you. She has to figure out what she wants, herself.
You said before you had some communication issues yourself but you don’t seem to have any on here and seem to be dealing with everything really well. He’s been the one with the issues not responding, not telling you when he is coming over, etc. I hope you’re out there meeting other people. You’ll find someone who will care about you as much as you care about them.
I think it’s rude for him to just not respond to you. If he didn’t want to respond, he should say doesn’t want to. Seems like a lousy way to treat someone you’ve been in a relationship with for that long.
Of course I’m a bit hypocritical saying that because I’ve not responded to emails sent to me but I justify it as different. I did it when it hurt too much to reply and I eventually did when I could, after a few days. Maybe its the same for him where he doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t want to hurt you. But if so, he could explain that. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case.
Not responding at all to something you write must make you feel like he doesn’t care at all, not even enough to respond. You originally said you broke up due to communication issues and he didn’t give you a chance. Did you feel the communication issues were on your side or his? It seems like he’s the one with the issues communicating as it doesn’t seem like he’s treating you respectfully.
People make mistakes. But when they do, they really should do something to make up for it to show they care about it not happening again. Did he say he would change anything or do anything to help make up for his mistake or does he think you should just forget about it? For example, if the same situation arises, will he call you? Or are you expected to just forget it and move on?
I don’t think now is exactly the time for no contact because both sides don’t have an honest understanding of where things are. Specifically, it doesn’t sound like she knows exactly how you honestly feel and you don’t know if she is going out with someone else or not.
I’d explain to her exactly how you feel about everything you said above and also tell her that your mutual friend told you she was going out with someone else. That’s not to accuse her of lying to you, that’s just to tell her that’s what you heard, where you stand and how you feel about everything.
After that, you can listen to what she has to say. Maybe she has nothing to say now. Maybe she has to think about what to say. I’d go no contact after you are open with her and let her know that if she wants to talk she can call you but you are going no contact because if you are going to break up, that’s the best thing to do. And you’re not going no contact as a punishment or some kind of passive aggressive action done because you are upset.
