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Tip #1, stop texting her for conversations now. Text her 2-3 times a week briefly, and swiftly move into a call. Text is just words on a screen. You can’t rebuild attraction with texts, or with moving slowly.
Get her on a call, let her hear in your voice and responses how confident you are. Genuinely feel sorry for her that she isn’t your girl right now, because you’re just so awesome. That’s the best mindset to have.
Don’t talk about your relationship unless she brings it up. Address her concerns calmly and sincerely, then move into something else. Remember your goal here is to start a new relationship, not restart the old one. She needs to see the new you.
Once you got her on a call get her to meet you asap. As soon as you feel she’s ready. You may be nervous, but don’t dawdle and delay. You’ll know when the time is right. That’s where the real heavy hitting attraction comes in. Read up on any article written by Chase Amante on Girls Chase, especially “how to get a girl back” he knows what he’s talking about.
When you meet her you don’t have to be Mr. Perfect. Just better than you were. Don’t make any of the typical mistakes, don’t chase her under any circumstances.
Finally, your end goal when you first meet her should be sex. If it doesn’t seem to be going that way, a warm hug and if she lingers and looks you in the eye, a kiss. But sex is the ultimate attraction. Blow her mind and let her sit on it for a day or two before following up.
Basically: I was ready after 5-7 days, I kept up no contact in some vain attempt to get her to come back to me on her own. Backfired. As it will with most guys who fall prey to this terrible advice.
You need to rapidly change and strike while there’s still a spark.
Read up on Dan Bacon’s “The Modern Man”. If only I saw that website before this one.
Hey man, your situation sounds tough. Obviously you should heed all the usual advice, focus on yourself, try hard not to think of her, keep yourself busy etc.
But I also know it eases the pain a little to hope reconciliation is possible, so I want to help you figure out your chances.
First and foremost, it seems like your desire to get back together is rooted in emotion and the desire to get rid of this pain you feel. You could cut your losses now and count yourself as lucky it was only 2 months. That’s the honeymoon phase and odds are she’d only hurt and offend you more if things went on longer.
The things she was saying about your bedroom skills and comparing you to past lovers is well beyond what a respectful, caring girlfriend should say. Ask yourself if you would logically be happy in that kind of relationship for a long time.
So with all that said, lets try to figure your chances. What was your relationship like before becoming intimate? Were you close friends? Was she friend of a friend you didn’t know so well?
How old are you two? What did you both do in your free time? Work, school, spent every waking moment together, etc?
How frequent were your fights and what was the timing/circumstances of her saying it’s over? How many days has it been since day 0 of the breakup?
I’m gonna be honest and say that yes, you were probably a rebound. 2 months isn’t enough time to get over someone and start something new. Don’t let this get you down though, hard as it may be.
As a final word of advice, stop looking at her facebook or pining over her. It will only hurt you. Reflect on yourself and figure out if you were ready for a relationship to begin with. If you weren’t that’s completely ok, understand that. It takes a big man to admit to himself he wasn’t prepared for what he got himself into. It’s fine, you will learn and this experience will make you wiser in the long run. You will better yourself and become more attractive for the next girl.
Ironically, as I was typing that last post, she messaged me. She’s not cold and her message was in reply to the last thing I said. I don’t feel that there is a good response to her reply without making it feel forced, so I’m not going to respond.
So unless she initiates something new today, I won’t message her until Friday.
I’m in the same position. Ex gf has a new bf that I know about via instagram. She hasn’t told me herself though and since recontacting she’s made her insta private. Presumably she doesn’t think I know.
Everything was going great this weekend, then suddenly Monday came and..nothing. Still nothing today (wed). I’ve gotten myself into a pretty shitty situation where I want to tell her I know about him and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I can’t have you in my life if you’re with someone else. It’s too painful because I still have feelings for you. We need to stop talking so I can move on”.
However, this is the course of action I’m going to take, because I believe it makes me look better, and has greater chance of success: Keep pretending I don’t know, because if she hasn’t told me herself and doesn’t want me to find out, that clearly means she still wants me and doesn’t want the above to happen (which it will if she does tell me). I’m not going to contact her today and tomorrow, regardless of whether she initiates or not. I’ll initiate on Friday, and go from there. All I can do is try not to worry and have confidence that the cards will fall in my favor if I play my hand right. She’ll leave him on her own accord, probably never tell me about it, and we’ll be together again in a matter of weeks.
But what’s the alternative? Freak out, worry, generally have an excruciating experience as I go through this crucial time? No. Follow my example and just keep focusing on yourself, and following the day-by-day texting sample from the Art of Texting article on here. Victory will be yours and the less effort you expend achieving it, the stronger you will feel and show.
From “get ex girlfriend back if she has new boyfriend”:
1. “Text messages have a unique advantage when your ex is dating someone else. She can look at your text messages at her own time and reply to them if she feels like speaking to you.
Moreover, if her new boyfriend finds out that she is texting you, there’s a good chance he will get jealous and it will lead to a fight. And he will look insecure if he is snooping into her text messages to find out what you texted.”
2. “you must slowly develop an emotional and physical attraction with her. You want her to get confused about her feelings for you and her commitment to her new boyfriend.
You want her to realize that her feelings for you are much stronger than the other guy. This is how you make her decide to leave him for you.”
3. Create a rift by being the bigger guy
“If you do things that make it super obvious you want her to breakup with her new boyfriend; it will make your ex-girlfriend put up her defenses and cut you out.Instead, you need to just be the best version of yourself and focus on rebuilding attraction and connection with your ex girlfriend. As she starts feeling more and more attracted towards you, she will start feeling more and more distant from her new boyfriend.
This will especially be true if your ex girlfriend is in a rebound.”
From “is your ex in a rebound relationship”:
“If they are in a rebound, you still have to apply the no contact rule and follow the 5-step plan.”
the last 2 steps of the 5 step plan being recontacting and meeting up.
She will make her own decision, and I will have no direct interference. I’m simply going to be myself, and not be needy or flirty, and slowly build attraction naturally. Unfortunately in this day and age honor is an excuse for inaction. The most successful people on the planet are as far from honorable as they could be.
As far as honor is concerned, what’s worse: directly interfering by telling her I know and giving her an ultimatum? Staying in contact with her so she naturally questions her own feelings and eventually leaves the guy on her own accord? Or slinking out and becoming passive, trusting that someday some random event in their lives will topple their house of cards that leads to them splitting?
Option 1 is clearly jealous, needy, and a terrible approach. Option 3 is unlike me, I would move on and not wait for that random day to come. It’s equally dependent to wait expectantly for someone like that.
I honestly think the bigger man who still wants his ex would pick option 2. The fact that she’s with someone else doesn’t phase me, because I know she still has feelings for me and is definitely in a rebound. She needs to think that she may still have a chance with me, and once she realizes that, she’ll have to make a decision of her own. She needs to worry that if she doesn’t decide or decides too late she may lose this new and improved version of me forever to the next girl. When you right it all down it seems scummy, but the passive approach won’t work, and the direct approach won’t work either. So I’m left with the demonstrative approach, wherein she makes a decision based on the new traits I can demonstrate.
Patricia, thank you.
However I’m having a hard time completely understanding your reasoning. All the articles I’ve read on here suggest going through the 5 step plan regardless of whether or not she’s with someone. To build attraction until she decides to leave him herself. It seems what you suggest contradicts a lot of what I’d been reading, but that’s why I just need to better understand where you’re coming from.
Why should I not contact her until I see her? I definitely see your point on the things she’s saying to me, and how they could be seen as a breach of trust if she’s with someone. But I figured it was a good sign, and would help to form a rift should he ever snoop on her phone, simultaneously making him look insecure. Maybye I’ve misunderstood some of the articles I’ve read on here. Idk there’s so many methods of attack its pretty difficult to know what’s right.
One more thing: she’s initiating a lot. I don’t know what my course of action should be here: should I delay responding until the days I should carry conversation? Or respond within a reasonable amount of time (10 min-3hrs)?
Alright so new update. Kinda been a rollercoaster today.
She texted me coincidentally a couple hours after I made this post. Turns out she hadn’t even checked her mail yet for my letter so this was unprompted and unexpected.
She basically said how bad she felt for the last thing she said to me a couple days into me starting NC, and that she misses hearing from me and can’t go a day without thinking about I’m doing even when she tries. She asked if we could call.
I maintained complete composure and with total control and self-confidence replied to her text saying I was about to sit down for dinner but would love to call afterwards. Without an ounce of desperation, neediness, anything. Just a happy, healed and confident man (from her perspective at least haha).
She responded saying she thought I hated her after what she said, and I said of course I don’t, that I just needed time to focus on me, and asked if she received my letter. She hadn’t checked so I told her to check. Then I went to eat.
About an hour later I messaged her saying I was ready to call but gave a good reason it would have to be short: I was going to go see a movie with friends. We talked for about 20 minutes and she gave no indication she was in a new relationship. We caught up a little but not too much all at once, just enough to keep her thinking and make her feel good. She told me how much of my stuff she’s found at her place and had a tone in her voice I could only describe as hopeful/expectant. I ended the call after telling her I’d be in her neighborhood sometime later this month for a doctor’s appointment, and I could grab it then, and we could also get some lunch. She said she’d like that.
So all well and dandy, she doesn’t know I’ve seen her instagram, and neither of us mentioned her being in a relationship. As far as she knows I don’t know about her new bf, and my hope is that she’ll leave him without ever mentioning it to me. I think I could tell though that she was conflicted about telling me about him on the call. Almost like she was testing me and if things didn’t go perfect she’d have dropped the bomb.
My problem now though is this: I was planning on using the day-by-day texting guide in the art of texting article, but since she initiated and I feel things went really well I’m not sure if I should delay until the day I was planning on texting her and take it from day one, or start asap and take it from day x. I think she’s ready to hear more from me and I’m certain I made her smile today. I’m thinking about sending a memory text midday tomorrow, to make it seem as though I was genuinely reminded of her at that moment (it will be a genuine example of a reminder I’ve had, just from about a week or so ago).
TL;DR: Should I initiate tomorrow, or early next week? Should I take advantage of my apparent situation and try to ramp up attraction as quickly as possible, or still take things very slowly? Should I have my defenses up to try to get her to chase me? And if so how should I be guarded?
Thanks again
So today I looked at her instagram for the first time in a while. She has a new boyfriend. She posted a pic confirming they’re together the day after she should’ve receieved the letter. She also deleted all the pics of me and her from there, though she didn’t do that with her last ex when we got together.
This feels like a rebound to me, and shes trying and doing everything she possibly can to not think about me. I know me and her had the strongest connection of any of her previous boyfriends. I wonder how often she still thinks of me.
I’m going to wait til tuesday and send her a memory text, I don’t know how this will go. I’m at a loss for words and don’t know what else to say here. I never thought this would happen.
Hey I wanted to post a little update, as I’m having a lot of anxiety right now.
So I followed your advice Patricia, thank you. I sent the letter via USPS the next day, and today should be the day it arrives in her mailbox.
I don’t know what to expect. I’ve been doing really good focusing on myself up to this point, now I’m full of hope and doubt. There’s a thousand what ifs running through my head and I can’t focus on the things I’d been easily focusing on just a few days prior. What if she texts me? calls? What if she does nothing? If she contacts me will it she be positive or negative? What if even though she’s still thinking about me, she’s determined to move on? What if all my hard word and (seemingly) self-improvements isn’t enough? My anxious mind can’t seem to quiet these obsessive thoughts, despite being cool like Fonzie for the duration of NC. I’m considering every possibility and outcome, everything that can go right or go wrong.
I don’t feel desperate or needing to contact her further, but of course since this is the first new big step I’m supposed to take after NC, it’s very nerve wracking. I don’t know, I think I just need someone to tell me what I should be doing/thinking at this point, though I know typically the answer to that is “only you will know what you should be doing”.
