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Hi. When writing the elephant letter, should I address any false allegations my ex made during no contact? Or ignore them and only address them if they come up again in the future? I am going to recognize and apologize for all my past behaviors, but I’m not sure if addressing these allegations is the right thing to do. Defensiveness was one of my issues, I don’t want it to seem like I’m being defensive. But I also don’t want my ex to be thinking I am responsible for what she accused me of doing. Thanks
Make one short comment about the false allegation. And continue working on self improvements.
Yes, Patricia is correct. Your ex is expecting you to fly off the handle and defend yourself, so a SINGLE short reply is best. ONE or TWO sentences, MAX! Don’t call to address those topics, even if your ex asks to, it only increases the chances you’ll NOT be able to hold back and respond appropriately.
I was in a similar situation where my “friend” thought it was appropriate to make some wildish claims to my ex, hoping it would provoke a response and get us back into contact. It did not work like intended and only made me look bad that I would so passionately respond.
Hey I wanted to post a little update, as I’m having a lot of anxiety right now.
So I followed your advice Patricia, thank you. I sent the letter via USPS the next day, and today should be the day it arrives in her mailbox.
I don’t know what to expect. I’ve been doing really good focusing on myself up to this point, now I’m full of hope and doubt. There’s a thousand what ifs running through my head and I can’t focus on the things I’d been easily focusing on just a few days prior. What if she texts me? calls? What if she does nothing? If she contacts me will it she be positive or negative? What if even though she’s still thinking about me, she’s determined to move on? What if all my hard word and (seemingly) self-improvements isn’t enough? My anxious mind can’t seem to quiet these obsessive thoughts, despite being cool like Fonzie for the duration of NC. I’m considering every possibility and outcome, everything that can go right or go wrong.
I don’t feel desperate or needing to contact her further, but of course since this is the first new big step I’m supposed to take after NC, it’s very nerve wracking. I don’t know, I think I just need someone to tell me what I should be doing/thinking at this point, though I know typically the answer to that is “only you will know what you should be doing”.
I understand why you would be nervous, but try very hard to take it one day at a time and don’t obsess about any particular outcome. Focus on school, work, family, doing things you enjoy etc..
Worry won’t change anything and only adds to your frustration. You’ve done the best you could so far, so trust yourself that you will be able to handle any future situation that arises with common sense:)
So today I looked at her instagram for the first time in a while. She has a new boyfriend. She posted a pic confirming they’re together the day after she should’ve receieved the letter. She also deleted all the pics of me and her from there, though she didn’t do that with her last ex when we got together.
This feels like a rebound to me, and shes trying and doing everything she possibly can to not think about me. I know me and her had the strongest connection of any of her previous boyfriends. I wonder how often she still thinks of me.
I’m going to wait til tuesday and send her a memory text, I don’t know how this will go. I’m at a loss for words and don’t know what else to say here. I never thought this would happen.
I was in your same shoes. My ex broke up with me for what seemed no reason and I waited a month then sent her a letter and then found out she had a new boyfriend. In my situation she responded to my letter saying it wasn’t a good idea to talk. I tried multiple times but she said no. Then waited another two months and tried again but she didn’t want to talk because she’s happy with her boyfriend and said in a kinda mean way that she doesn’t want me to contact her.
I hope your situation comes out differently! If I had to do everything again I would not have done no contact at all and would have told my ex everything that I felt before she met someone new. No contact should only be used to make yourself feel better
I would recommend to wait for her to text you and not text her. If you do though don’t have high hopes and only do it if you are okay with the possibile outcome that she doesn’t reply.
Good luck!
Alright so new update. Kinda been a rollercoaster today.
She texted me coincidentally a couple hours after I made this post. Turns out she hadn’t even checked her mail yet for my letter so this was unprompted and unexpected.
She basically said how bad she felt for the last thing she said to me a couple days into me starting NC, and that she misses hearing from me and can’t go a day without thinking about I’m doing even when she tries. She asked if we could call.
I maintained complete composure and with total control and self-confidence replied to her text saying I was about to sit down for dinner but would love to call afterwards. Without an ounce of desperation, neediness, anything. Just a happy, healed and confident man (from her perspective at least haha).
She responded saying she thought I hated her after what she said, and I said of course I don’t, that I just needed time to focus on me, and asked if she received my letter. She hadn’t checked so I told her to check. Then I went to eat.
About an hour later I messaged her saying I was ready to call but gave a good reason it would have to be short: I was going to go see a movie with friends. We talked for about 20 minutes and she gave no indication she was in a new relationship. We caught up a little but not too much all at once, just enough to keep her thinking and make her feel good. She told me how much of my stuff she’s found at her place and had a tone in her voice I could only describe as hopeful/expectant. I ended the call after telling her I’d be in her neighborhood sometime later this month for a doctor’s appointment, and I could grab it then, and we could also get some lunch. She said she’d like that.
So all well and dandy, she doesn’t know I’ve seen her instagram, and neither of us mentioned her being in a relationship. As far as she knows I don’t know about her new bf, and my hope is that she’ll leave him without ever mentioning it to me. I think I could tell though that she was conflicted about telling me about him on the call. Almost like she was testing me and if things didn’t go perfect she’d have dropped the bomb.
My problem now though is this: I was planning on using the day-by-day texting guide in the art of texting article, but since she initiated and I feel things went really well I’m not sure if I should delay until the day I was planning on texting her and take it from day one, or start asap and take it from day x. I think she’s ready to hear more from me and I’m certain I made her smile today. I’m thinking about sending a memory text midday tomorrow, to make it seem as though I was genuinely reminded of her at that moment (it will be a genuine example of a reminder I’ve had, just from about a week or so ago).
TL;DR: Should I initiate tomorrow, or early next week? Should I take advantage of my apparent situation and try to ramp up attraction as quickly as possible, or still take things very slowly? Should I have my defenses up to try to get her to chase me? And if so how should I be guarded?
Thanks again
One more thing: she’s initiating a lot. I don’t know what my course of action should be here: should I delay responding until the days I should carry conversation? Or respond within a reasonable amount of time (10 min-3hrs)?
I don’t think you should send a memory text because you already sent a text less than a week ago. If she initiates anything, keep your replies very short and casual. Don’t drag out conversations! If she has a boyfriend, she shouldn’t be saying things like she doesn’t go a day without thinking about you, because in a way, that’s cheating on him. Take this very slowly and don’t initiate any contact until you see her in person toward the end of the month when you will find out more about what’s going on in her mind. Sending a memory text at a later time might be appropriate only if she doesn’t still have a boyfriend.
Sounds like you live a long distance from her. But picking up your things is a good idea.
Patricia, thank you.
However I’m having a hard time completely understanding your reasoning. All the articles I’ve read on here suggest going through the 5 step plan regardless of whether or not she’s with someone. To build attraction until she decides to leave him herself. It seems what you suggest contradicts a lot of what I’d been reading, but that’s why I just need to better understand where you’re coming from.
Why should I not contact her until I see her? I definitely see your point on the things she’s saying to me, and how they could be seen as a breach of trust if she’s with someone. But I figured it was a good sign, and would help to form a rift should he ever snoop on her phone, simultaneously making him look insecure. Maybye I’ve misunderstood some of the articles I’ve read on here. Idk there’s so many methods of attack its pretty difficult to know what’s right.
“All the articles I’ve read on here suggest going through the 5 step plan regardless of whether or not she’s with someone.”
The article does not state to try to get an ex back if they’re in a relationship with someone else. Only if maybe they’re dating..
“But I figured it was a good sign, and would help to form a rift should he ever snoop on her phone, simultaneously making him look insecure.”
This is dishonorable beyond words. She needs to make her own decision whether she wants to stay with him or not. Not because you interfere!
You can do whatever you want to do, but I stand by my recommendation that you pick up your things and have an honest talk to clear the air about her boyfriend and what she wants to do..
From “get ex girlfriend back if she has new boyfriend”:
1. “Text messages have a unique advantage when your ex is dating someone else. She can look at your text messages at her own time and reply to them if she feels like speaking to you.
Moreover, if her new boyfriend finds out that she is texting you, there’s a good chance he will get jealous and it will lead to a fight. And he will look insecure if he is snooping into her text messages to find out what you texted.”
2. “you must slowly develop an emotional and physical attraction with her. You want her to get confused about her feelings for you and her commitment to her new boyfriend.
You want her to realize that her feelings for you are much stronger than the other guy. This is how you make her decide to leave him for you.”
3. Create a rift by being the bigger guy
“If you do things that make it super obvious you want her to breakup with her new boyfriend; it will make your ex-girlfriend put up her defenses and cut you out.Instead, you need to just be the best version of yourself and focus on rebuilding attraction and connection with your ex girlfriend. As she starts feeling more and more attracted towards you, she will start feeling more and more distant from her new boyfriend.
This will especially be true if your ex girlfriend is in a rebound.”
From “is your ex in a rebound relationship”:
“If they are in a rebound, you still have to apply the no contact rule and follow the 5-step plan.”
the last 2 steps of the 5 step plan being recontacting and meeting up.
She will make her own decision, and I will have no direct interference. I’m simply going to be myself, and not be needy or flirty, and slowly build attraction naturally. Unfortunately in this day and age honor is an excuse for inaction. The most successful people on the planet are as far from honorable as they could be.
As far as honor is concerned, what’s worse: directly interfering by telling her I know and giving her an ultimatum? Staying in contact with her so she naturally questions her own feelings and eventually leaves the guy on her own accord? Or slinking out and becoming passive, trusting that someday some random event in their lives will topple their house of cards that leads to them splitting?
Option 1 is clearly jealous, needy, and a terrible approach. Option 3 is unlike me, I would move on and not wait for that random day to come. It’s equally dependent to wait expectantly for someone like that.
I honestly think the bigger man who still wants his ex would pick option 2. The fact that she’s with someone else doesn’t phase me, because I know she still has feelings for me and is definitely in a rebound. She needs to think that she may still have a chance with me, and once she realizes that, she’ll have to make a decision of her own. She needs to worry that if she doesn’t decide or decides too late she may lose this new and improved version of me forever to the next girl. When you right it all down it seems scummy, but the passive approach won’t work, and the direct approach won’t work either. So I’m left with the demonstrative approach, wherein she makes a decision based on the new traits I can demonstrate.
“Unfortunately in this day and age honor is an excuse for inaction. The most successful people on the planet are as far from honorable as they could be.”
You have a very pessimistic view of people. Honor is not dead! There are plenty of people in this world who have high moral values and good character who would never dream of being dishonest or dishonorable in order to ‘get ahead’.
You seems to be in favor of option 2 and I hope things work out the way you want.. I just hope it doesn’t cause too much drama or heartache for anyone.
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