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@nogilusprime
Keep it as a friendly hangout.At the end of every relationship is a loss of trust, and you cannot get that trust back instantly. You have to take that spark of friendship and nurture it into a flame. It won’t be quick fix, it will take time.
I know I’m spruiking a little bit here, but I signed up for the paid course, and to be honest with you, I found it extremely helpful, and I think you might too, but there’s a specific part regarding to approaches regarding the conversation of getting back together – Direct, Semi-Direct and Indirect. It sounds like you’re going to need to take the indirect approach, i.e. do not bring it up.
You need to be confident in and of yourself that you will be OK with or without her, because she will see straight through you. If you can’t do that, then you need to continue with NC, because that mindset it everything.
If you are at the point, then fantastic. Keep the hangout as friendly, but read the room. You might find your conversations are growing emotionally deeper, and you’re both physically getting closer to each other, these things are good, but the absence of them isn’t bad, keep this in mind. Keep your conversations positive where possible, but if you can’t, make sure you’re empathizing with her and being an understanding person, whatever you do, try to steer clear of the flaws in your relationship unless you can 100% take responsibility for your side and prove to her how you have grown past that, if she dwells on the flaws, you need to find someway to shift the conversation.
Honestly, the best advice here is going to be to read the room. It’s a hugely powerful strategy.
Also look into a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. The second half of the book kind of carries on, but the first half was very enlightening for me. If you can read the first half before meeting your ex, you’ll find yourself much better prepared.
@Nogulisprime to be completely honest, my advice is the opposite of Patricia’s, and I’d like to explain why.
My own break up was a few months ago. My ex and I are an hour and a half away from each other and after I did no contact, we started talking again but it was kind of strained. During this time I ended up seeing another woman, and broke if off with her as I started becoming much more comfortable with myself, to the point where I realised that I didn’t need my ex, or anyone else for that matter to be happy with myself. For me, this revelation was huge. As fate would have it, weekend before last, I was out towards my ex on for a work meeting so I asked her if she wanted to catch up.
Now I only planned for a cafe afternoon, but I did pack some clothes to change into so I wasn’t in my business wear all day. My ex picked me up from the train station and mentioned that we could just pick up some food and stuff and go back to her place and I could change and then we could just chill there (she was also rather hungover from the night before). While I was there, we ended up having some really good chats, intellectually, we still had a very strong connection, even after not seeing each other for 3 months. Things progressed and we ended up having sex a few times.
We’ve been talking almost daily since. We’ve talked about the fact that while we both actually still love each other, neither of us want to launch back into a relationship yet. She’s working on herself, and I’m really enjoying not having to worry about anyone other than myself too. So we’re very casually involved. She’s even going to come and visit for the weekend next weekend. The whole weekend together.
The decisions that led to that were easy but also difficult. I was at ease because I knew I would be OK one way or another, but I had to make decisions based on what was going to move us forward in the best way possible. For me, I just wanted us to be comfortable around each other and talking to each other again, getting back together was not, and still is not really the goal.
My ex invited me back to her place, as yours has done too. This is not a decision either of them have made lightly. It is an invitation back into their most personal and intimate space.
I know this post is a long read, but I hope my experience can help you.
My advice is this: don’t go back to NC unless you are shaken and in turmoil. If you are mentally at ease with or without here, talk to her more openly, share some of the difficulties you’ve faced during NC, but learn to understand her patterns. If she isn’t responding as openly or as quickly as usual, give her a day to come back to you, don’t push it. This is going to be a make or break point for you, so take it slow, and deliberate over everything.I also recommend looking into love languages. Don’t bother reading the books by Gary Chapman, but try to understand yours and your ex’s love languages. My ex and I have been doing this lately with each other and finding it very interesting.
Hey @nogulisprime, I just finished NC recently, and I can confidently say I am really, really happy I did it.
NC isn’t about getting her back, it’s about getting you back, and reading your messages I can sense that you might be a bit lost in the pain.She will not want you back if you’re hurting. You need to be back in your own mental game, and confident. NC will help with that. There is the added bonus that NC can help your ex miss you, but that’s not the focus. You need to focus on you, and trust me, even after just 2 weeks of it, you will feel so much better for it.
@Patricia12 I definitely agree, although I suspect “reminding” might be a kind way of putting it, knowing this friend.
I’ve also realised (arguably too late considering we were together almost 4 years) that my ex’s love language is quality time. And it’s so blatantly clear. Whenever she allows herself to give me time to talk, the conversations are fantastic, but I think she’s also aware that if she gives me that time, she’s risking the consistency of her decision.
I’m taking things slowly, letting her have spaces and sending her messages when I know she’s freely available to talk.
At this stage I’m focusing on my growth, as well as just having easy and light hearted communication with my ex, allowing myself to be vulnerable when the moment calls for it. I trust that if I continue with this, my ex will come to realise that her friend is being manipulative, but my greatest concern is how much damage will be done between now and however long it takes her to realise.
Hey @kb1996 it sounds like he wants to talk with you, but may be feeling a little pressured.
Maybe try organizing something yourself for the both of you, it might help to relieve a bit of pressure from him.
The other thing you could do to help relieve some pressure is maybe organize a lunch, instead of a dinner. I often find lunches produce less pressure for anything afterwards than dinners, and if the lunch goes really well, it can lead into dinner and more without the pressure of initial conceptions.
Hey @afek10 I’m currently re-acquainting with my ex too.
I ended NC about 5 days ago. She reached out to me and I sent a hand written letter to her the next morning.
Her response was quite positive, mentioned that she was also doing some growing too.My ex is a stationary and letter lover, so that decision was very easy for me. In the letter I mentioned that one of the biggest reasons for me sending a letter was that it had no time pressure for her to respond. It didn’t give me a read receipt, I wouldn’t know how long it would take for her to get it, or even if she would get it. I told her that if she didn’t feel comfortable, not to worry, I’d assume I got the address wrong and the letter was lost in the mail and I would try a text in another couple of weeks.
She got the letter the next day and responded as soon as she finished reading it.
I think the hand written letter is the way to go. There’s less pressure, while also a lot more personal and takes effort. Don’t hand it to her in person, post it to her address. Otherwise if you hand it to her in person it will come across as if you’ve written some things down, but when you saw her, you got too nervous and desperate to actually say them to her.
The other thing I want to mention is that communication with my ex is currently a bit hot and cold, and honestly, I’m ok with that, I think it’s normal, but I want to let you know my experience as well so you’re prepared.
@patricia12 That particular day had no more significance than the rest of her friend’s visit, it was a different time of year.
I know they have more recent photos because while we were together, my ex traveled back to Aus for a wedding where they were both bridesmaids and I saw the photos.
Don’t worry, I’m not stalking SM, I was tagged so I got a notification.
Update: A couple of days ago her friend had her birthday. I met this friend once about a year and a half ago when she came to visit. My ex posted on her friend’s FB page wishing her a happy birthday as well as sharing 3 photos from that trip, one including me, and tagged me in the post. I had specifically told her that I wanted to do no contact for a while and that I would reach out to her when I was ready. I also know that the two of them have more recent photos together than those three, and definitely have a lot more photos together without me in them, so I’m a little confused why she would post that one in particular and tag me. Thoughts?
Basically the two reasons I can think of are that I was on her mind and she’s missing me (doesn’t mean she wants to get back together) or that she’s trying to torture me, and I know she’s not trying to torture me. Does my rationalisation make sense? I’m trying not to look into it too much.
@Patricia12 I hope to start off by reigniting familiarity. I know that we’re not instantly going to get back together, so I want to take the time to work towards that by showing her that I am working on myself, and steadily open her mind to the possibility of getting back together to build something better and stronger.
My general impression was that she was warm and wanted to continue talking. Until I shut it down, then she seemed upset.
Do you mean what do I hope to accomplish when I re-initiate contact in the future? Or what did I hope to accomplish here?
Currently seeing a psych once a week.
She has my bank details in so far as she has the ability to send me money, but cannot take money. It’s very common in Australia for that to be the case, and I guess even though we’re in Japan that’s something we’ve brought over with us. Either way, we were together for four years, so our finances crossed multiple times (nothing heavy, but if either of us were short here of there, we’d help each other out).
In total,. there were 9 messages yesterday, 4 from me, 5 from her. It wasn’t a long exchange, rather short, and I shut it down relatively quickly.
In terms of starting NC from scratch, my understanding is that the main focus is for me to get my head in the right space, and I don’t think I regressed at all with the contact the we had yesterday, so I think 3 weeks is still OK, especially considering when I started, I was only intending to do 2 weeks NC.
Update: Had to break no contact today.
I checked my bank account and noticed that my ex had sent me some money. I had loaned her a bit of money not long ago, but what she sent wasn’t the total amount, and I didn’t expect anything yet, so I just sent her a simple message asking if that was just a repayment.
She messaged back almost immediately and attempted to engage in some warm conversation, but also taking a while to respond between messages.
I shut the conversation down but just told her I don’t want to be rude but I’m trying to work on myself and I think we should do radio silence for a while, if there’s anything important that she can reach out, but other than that, I’ll message her when I’m ready.
The response I got was simply “ok, sounds good. Bye.” which was quite cold from her. I’m trying not to look into it too much but it sounds like she’s upset, which I hate, and almost makes me feel manipulative, but I think it’s a good sign.
One of my friends who has been quite supportive (actually the friend I lashed out at that happened to be the last straw) has been talking to my ex a little and mentioned that I started seeing a psych. I’ve been told that my ex responded favourably to that.
3 weeks to go!
@patricia12 thanks for taking the time to respond. I don’t think I’m making excuses for my behaviours, rather realising where the behaviours have stemmed from.
You’d be surprised at how easy it is for kids to sexually abuse an adult. Keep in mind at the time I was living in a small country town, barely spoke the local language, and stuck out like a sore thumb because I was one of 11 white people in a town of 70,000. I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m just trying to give some context.
You’re right, I could have quit, however finding a new job that did not require any level of Japanese fluency is basically impossible out there. Unfortunately my only course of action was to wait until my contract was up so I could go elsewhere.Please understand that when I say I was bullied a lot in school, I’m not making excuses. We are all products of our past. Our past shapes the personality, behaviours, and reactions we exhibit in the future. I personally think it’s extremely important to understand our past, to learn from it, so that we can mould ourselves into something better based on that.
You’re absolutely right that even though I didn’t treat her that way, in her head she would have been wondering “how long until he does”
I think ultimately, I’m taking all the appropriate steps I need to be taking to better myself. I’m trying to learn from my past, from the traumas I experienced, and not let the negative behaviours take over. It’s not a quick process, and will take a lot of work, I’m just looking for support and understanding I guess.
At this stage, I’m thinking of extending NC to a full month.
