Questions about NC

This may well be a long post post, so please bear with me. This post will jump back and forth to signify the things I have come to realise.

3 weeks ago now my ex broke up with me.

Backstory: We are 2 Aussies (her 32 and me 26), met and living in Japan, we had been together for nearly 4 years, with a year and a half of that being long distance.

On the surface, the reason that we broke up is because I would argue with others constantly, and when I thought I was right and they wouldn’t accept me as being right (often times, I was legitimately correct, factually speaking), I would double down and become condescending and nasty. I failed to just let it go and walk away. It had started becoming a pattern and getting more frequent and the final straw for my ex was when she saw me lash out at a friend I’ve known for over a decade. These were a by-product of a lot of internalised self-anger that I had been storing for quite some time. My ex mentioned that this was just too much of a red flag to continue moving forward and that while she did still love me, she didn’t think it was forever love.

Now it’s important to note that I never treated my ex this way. She is the one person in my life that I have never been able to be angry with. Frustrated, sure, but never angry.

Through out the two weeks after we had hot and cold moments. Sunday, one week after the break out, she was hungover from drinking and partying on her own in her apartment the night before. We ended up chatting on the phone for more than 5 hours, including going to McDonalds together and then chatting and watching a couple of movies together, all while on the phone. The next day was minimal contact.
About 9 days ago, there was an major earthquake warning (turned out to be a false alarm) and as soon as it was broadcast to our phones, we both messaged each other to make sure we were safe. The rest of the day was minimal contact.

1 week ago, after a night of no sleep, I made the cardinal sin. I got emotional, clingy and needy. It was bad and despite being genuine with everything I said, albeit very broken, I can see now that the things I said could have been taken as emotionally manipulative. I start NC the day and am now one day 6.

Over the last 6 days my head has cleared a lot. I’ve started seeing a therapist but I’ve also realised a lot of things about my self that are honestly uncomfortable. I have a bit of a duality in my personality. When I’m alone with her, she has the pure version of me. The true me. But when another social presence is introduced, be it online, in person, family, friend or stranger, I have a lot of walls I erect and I become very socially controlling, lacking empathy, selfish and attention seeking.

I’ve recognised where this comes from. From year 0.5 to year 2.5 in Japan I was a teacher in Japanese elementary schools. In these schools I dealt with a lot of (for lack of a better term) sexual abuse. On an almost daily basis I would experience anything in the range of being groped, poked, prodded or punched. I once had a finger wormed between my buttcheeks. This all came from students and no matter who I told (managers, supervisors, etc), or how much I protested, this continued. No one made any effort to put a stop to it. I was powerless and could only deal with it until my contract ran out. I was miserable. I think that during this time 2 things happened. I developed inner demons that have continued to grow and warp my social personality to the point where it is vastly different from who I am when alone with my ex and who I want to be as a person.

The other thing that happened is that I started to get angry. To give back story here, I was bullied a lot in school because I was quick to anger and get a reaction from. By the age of 16 I learned to just let that anger wash over me, but as a result of the feelings of powerlessness and lack of control, some of the anger returned. I started to internalise it, and kept it as a ball. Then I would get angry at the fact that I wasn’t letting go of the anger and another layer would be added to the ball. Initially this had little effect on me, but over time more and more layers were added to this ball and occasionally I would snap. But as I mentioned, these outbursts became more and more frequent.

Through a lot of research, I have come to realise that demons aren’t something to be defeated. They are lessons we failed or avoided learning. Now I have to learn from my demons, which is terrifying because it means re-living that trauma and accepting it, forgiving it, and forgiving myself for the way I have behaved.

Originally I planned on doing 14 days of NC. And at the rate I’m going, I think I’ll be in a good enough head space to contact her at the end of it. I won’t have fully made peace with my demons, but that will be a long journey I suspect.

Yesterday I commented on a mutual friend’s Facebook post about a black family being detained over a falsely identified stolen car. I mentioned that I had been in a similar situation, but that in case the situation was rectified very quickly and that what happened with the family was appalling. Early today my ex responded to my comment (the first contact I’ve received since starting NC). She challenged my views on what was happening, and how the family would have felt. I also feel like she was challenging my ability to not double down and argue back.

I didn’t.

I agreed with her, and accepted what she said, while also correcting what I had originally said to add more context.

Do you think this counts as breaking NC? Nothing else has been said since, and I don’t plan on responding any more to it.

Should I be extending NC longer? I was originally aiming to finish on the 17th and write a letter using the Elephant in the Room approach (she loves stationary so I felt that a letter would be a bit more personal and show more effort), because the new season of Lucifer starts on the 21st, and after we broke up, she expressed interest in still watching it with me (we watched the previous episodes together, so it’s kind of an “us” thing) and I’d still like to have that option if it’s possible.

Thoughts?