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SO I recently finished NC and reached out to my ex. It started really well, a bit hot and cold but that’s to be expected. But then I noticed a trend.
One of the reasons we broke up was because I was lashing out at people. This is something I have explored in great depth and I sincerely believe I have grown and worked on this, through my own efforts and with professional counselling.
One person that I lashed out at was a mutual friend of ours, who is now only friends with my ex. I lost that friendship and that is something I have to deal with.
That being said, since I blew that friendship up, I noticed a lot of things about this other girl. Personally I think she’s the type of person that will drag others down, and push her agenda on others. She done this multiple times in the past, and my ex has noticed this too, but I don’t think she’s seeing it since we broke up. Essentially, if someone is happy and she’s not, this friend rains on others’ parades and belittles their happiness.
The trend I’ve noticed is this: my ex and I can have fantastic conversations together, and the “hot” times have result in a really good understanding of each other. But every cold day comes after she spends time with this friend. Without fail, it’s happened every single time. And I’ve just now noticed that this friend has removed me as a “friend” on SnapChat (not a huge deal, but certainly adds to the pattern).
I feel the biggest hurdle I’m currently facing is that this friend is manipulating my ex, shit talking me whenever they’re together and hurting my chances of re-kindling a relationship with my ex.
My ex has two good friends that she talks to regularly. One is this friend I’m finding issues with, the other is a fantastic woman, who I recently had a really good conversation over the phone with for a good 45 minutes.I feel I’ve got one of one the two on my side.
I was planning in a month to reach out and see if she was open to drinks where I would just talk with her, apologise for lashing out, and communicate from, a place of vulnerability to try and show her I’ve been working on a lot of things, but I feel if I leave it that long, too much damage will be done. And if I rush into that too soon, it will create motive doubts.
How do I deal with this one that I feel is creating issues?
@Matt11 I think the reason your ex acts a little cold at times is because her friend is reminding her of your past bad behavior and advising her not to rush into reconciliation.
Asking the friend out for drinks in 2 weeks seems reasonable, but don’t be shocked if she declines your invitation.
In the end, it’s your ex that has to make up her own mind as to what to do without manipulation from others.
@Patricia12 I definitely agree, although I suspect “reminding” might be a kind way of putting it, knowing this friend.
I’ve also realised (arguably too late considering we were together almost 4 years) that my ex’s love language is quality time. And it’s so blatantly clear. Whenever she allows herself to give me time to talk, the conversations are fantastic, but I think she’s also aware that if she gives me that time, she’s risking the consistency of her decision.
I’m taking things slowly, letting her have spaces and sending her messages when I know she’s freely available to talk.
At this stage I’m focusing on my growth, as well as just having easy and light hearted communication with my ex, allowing myself to be vulnerable when the moment calls for it. I trust that if I continue with this, my ex will come to realise that her friend is being manipulative, but my greatest concern is how much damage will be done between now and however long it takes her to realise.
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