Hanna Nelson

I’m sorry if I came across as rude or unhelpful, but I do think that these are things you need to hear/consider at this point. I have been in your place many many times (not with my current guy, but with at least 3 exes in the past). I know what I’m talking about, unfortunately.

I know that you don’t want to go NC, and I read where you work with him on the weekends, and I know that its easy for us to sit here and judge and tell you that this is bad, and that its easy for you to put up defenses and tell us that we just don’t understand – as I said, I’ve been there. I know that you don’t want to lose him, and I know that for every shitty thing he is doing to you, he is also being nice and showing you affection. The truth is that yeah, he probably does still care about you, but as someone mentioned (I don’t remember who, sorry!) at this point its not really enough to make it serious/official/whatever. He knows that by being kind of sweet, or half there – so to speak – you will continue to do nice things for him and sleep with him, and he has to put in almost zero effort. Does this make sense?

As I said, I’ve been there. I kept thinking “this sucks but soon he’ll realize that he loves me and we’ll be back to being a couple” — guess what never ever happened. Now those guys aren’t your guy, yeah that’s true. I was in college with them and I also said, well I’m going to see them all of the time, or didn’t see a point because they would often get mad at me if I did anything like no contact. I thought at first that it was because they missed me or actually cared, but then I realized that they were just mad because they were not longer getting to use me. Its terrible, and again I know how hard this is and how much it sucks, I am only trying to help, and I do really think you need to hear this, and actually listen to what we are all saying. It may take time before you are able to do that, but at least these posts will still be there when you do.

So what did I do with those guys? Well I hit rock bottom in terms of self worth, anxiety, and was so unhappy it was ridiculous, that I realized I had to pick myself up and FINALLY take care of me. They got pissed, they harassed me, one even showed up at my apartment yelling a few times, which was ridiculous. They continued to try to tell me that they cared about me, but if they really cared about me, they wouldn’t do just the bare minimum to get me into bed, you know? They would do everything they could to show me that they care, and to be there for me, and THEY WOULDN’T PLAY MIND GAMES WITH ME. That is key. I went full no contact, and you know what? every single one of them came crawling back apologizing and begging for me back. For some it took a few months, one it took a year, but every single one did.

My point in telling you this is that I know you feel like you have no options, because, well, he’s kind of backed you into a corner, which is pretty lame on his part. If you want something to change, you’re going to have to initiate it yourself – either by having the talk about this progressing into a relationship (no labels, whatever) again, but, while this is tough, you also need to be prepared that he might not want to be in a relationship, and it has nothing to do with you, but he might not be in that place, in which case you have to decide if getting hurt and feeling the way you do is worth it, or if it is time to move on.

I agree that it seems like it doesn’t know what he wants, but I think that majorly stems from the fact that he is getting the relationship without being in a relationship. He gets to have sex with you, and spend time with you, but its all on his terms. Theres not a lot of incentive for him to make it official, when hes getting all of the perks of being in a relationship without actually committing to one, if that makes sense.

The result is that you seem to overanalyzing and overthinking every little thing to where it almost seems like its consuming you, and based on what you type, you seem totally miserable.

I dunno, I just think this is really unhealthy, and if you don’t take a stand and get him to either commit or walk away, you’ll stay in limbo land and get more and more hurt and confused as it goes along.

Hey,

So this thread has gotten pretty long since the last time I read it, and I didn’t post anything then because I actually agreed with what everyone else was saying, and I still do.

As dragongirl said, it seems like you are at the point where you are having some really good days, and some really bad days. We’ve all been there, and its part of the process. What caught my eye are some of the parts where you lay most of the guilt/blame on yourself, and, for lack of a better term, seem incredible desperate to get him back. These posts are from a few days ago so you may not feel like that anymore, and if you do, I hope that you recognize that that’s not healthy. Also, sleeping with a guy in hopes that keeping him around is never a good idea. I know that you didn’t do that, but you seem incredibly concerned that he left because you didn’t say I love you/didn’t sleep with him. If he left over that then he really is a jerk, but sleeping with someone just to keep them isn’t healthy and usually backfires.

I hope that you’re good days are becoming more frequent. I know what its like to feel like the world is ending and being unable to breathe, but you seem to be devoting all of your time and energy into him and obsessing over little things that happened. My honest advice is whenever that happens, force yourself to calm down. You mentioned how you’ve changed, which is good! but its not a short process, keep getting involved in new things, keep meeting new people, etc… there is no timeline and no “ok I’m done” moment. You have to keep going. If he is your forever then he will come back, if not, you’ll find someone even better – I promise.

Good luck

I don’t know if I necessarily disagree, but I would still be wary. He sounds to me like he knows that he can use you as a hook up. That’s my only worry here. He seems like he genuinely cares about you, and its good that you didn’t sleep with him yesterday, but I would just be a little wary, since, at least to me, it appears as if he knows you are willing to sleep with him, and that’s his motivation.

Just my two cents.

I’m really sorry to hear that! But at least now you know. You know, I honestly truly believe that if something is meant to be, it will be, and that everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds corny, but I know relationships that have broken up, dated other people, and then realized years later that they were meant to be with the first person and they get back together. I myself have another ex who dumped me for his ex (lolz), they moved in together, seemed perfect, and then broke up and he came crawling back to me. If the two of you are meant to be together then it’ll work out – just believe in that. But, don’t sit around and wait for her. I know how much this sucks, but its time to let what happened go and move on with your life (easier said than done). If shes supposed to be your forever, she’ll be back.

Hey!

I’m so sorry to hear that. For right now I don’t think there’s anything else you can do, and continuing to press the issue might make things worse. Unfortunately there’s no “time stamp” or “due date” on these things, and often times, more time is better. Counterintuitive and frustrating, but true. Just keep doing you, you’ve done super well so far, focus on you. The more you try to control or force things, the less control you’ll have, if that makes sense.

🙂