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Oh God Liz, he’s playing you. It sounds like he totally unravels the second he hears that another man has your attention.
And a couple of days later I was texting Mark and my ex pretty much said if I don’t stop talking to/seeing Mark, that I’d lose him. So I left Mark to have a chance with my ex. That’s an ultimatum he gave and it’s so ridiculous it makes me want to scream. I despise ultimatums but you should have told him the same thing in this case. If he doesn’t stop dating new girl, you are done with him..Hes doing everything he can so he can take advantage of the two of you.
He has power over you when he ignores your texts. He knows that he has you right where he wants you-in an extremely cruel emotional place. If the two of you were meant to be, he won’t give up on you. You don’t need to be afraid that you will miss the opportunity to be with him if you stand up for yourself and what you want. Once you truly show him that you aren’t going to tolerate him dating another woman, he will change his ways if he doesn’t want to lose you. Liz, Stop giving him some of the best parts of you and it will help to open his eyes.
Liz, Finntoga is right-you can’t allow your ex to mistreat you. And you are. He shouldn’t be allowed to have the pleasure of sleeping with you if he can’t commit. He’s manipulating you and you are in love so you let him do it. But you are going to have to cut him off. Limited contact if you can’t do full NC. Keep texts very short if he texts you.
And you walking away doesn’t mean that you are worthless-it’s actually the opposite. It means that you respect yourself and your heart/soul to save them for a man that truly can give you what you want and deserve. Just like Finntoga said. No one deserves what your ex is doing to you. What happened to the other guy that wanted to move away with you? Are you still seeing him?If you go off the grid, it won’t matter. If a guy truly loves you, he will be thinking of you every second of the day. Liz be strong!! I have faith in you and it makes me sad that you are still in this limbo.
As for the baby, NO! You shouldn’t bring a new soul into this world until your ex has figured out what he wants and grows up. He should understand the magnitude of the pain he is causing. I have a very close friend that has a sister (Ashley) that went through a similar thing. She got pregnant thinking that the baby would bring her and the ex closer to each other. Now the guy still hasn’t made a decision and also has another woman that he’s seeing. Ashley is emotionally devastated because he still hasn’t committed to her and can’t handle raising the baby because it reminds her that the ex isn’t there in the way that she wants him too. Don’t get pregnant Liz-it’s the best thing you can do for you and your ex. One day when all this is settled and you are in a good place with your ex or another man-that’s when you bring a baby into this world. Until then, tell your NO and tell him the story I just told you.
Jburg-I’ve been really busy with work so I haven’t had a chance to actually read this thread that you requested I check out. I did hear that Finntoga is helping you out-that’s great because she’s brilliant!
Hey Liz! Wow so you and him are still involved with each other? I honestly thought you had closed the door on him because your last post sounded so final! He’s still in love with you-that’s pretty obvious. He’s one of these guys that will deny what he’s feeling and will date others. Your bond is way to strong too split. You are very emotionally attached to each other and it’s impossible to break that.
New girl coming to talk to you is because she is extremely threatened by you. She must sense that he can’t break that connection to you and it’s pissing her off. That’s really good news for you!! They will probably fight over you multiple times until she finally has had enough. He does have genuine feelings for you-his actions scream that’s true even if his words say otherwise.It’s unbelievable that your counselor didn’t suggest to you before that you should have a very long talk with your ex. Me and Finntoga have been saying this alllll along-we were trying to get you out of this limbo madness that you are in. It’s good to see that you finally got to the point of talking to him and laying your cards on the table. I hope for your sake that he is willing to try an exclusive relationship again. I still don’t understand why he bailed to begin with-a lot of other young couples are together a lot and they still manage to have a great relationship. There’s no reason why you guys can’t. I’m trying to make sense of your thoughts about him meeting up at his place but it seems like you were majorly overthinking it. We don’t know his intentions with this girl are aside from it’s a really new thing. There’s just a lot of things that don’t add up when I try to put the pieces back together of your relationship so like I said I hope it does work out for the two of you.
Wow between-I haven’t been on the boards in awhile and I can’t believe you are still dealing with this kind of wretched crap from your ex. I would have demoted this guy in my life if I were you. It seems like you are slipping deeper into this neverending spiral of misery. Who cares what he does on FB? Regardless of his reason for his searches, you could have done a million more things that were better for you than to look into his social media activity.
This guy is stuck in limbo and has you right there beside him with a tight leash around your neck. He needs to grow up years and years before he is on the same level as you are. You could be stuck like this for years waiting for him to become the bf you want him to be. This is the equivalent of staring at a brick wall and wanting it to turn into a prince. You could grow old waiting for this guy to commit exclusively. It’s obvious he’s not ready not by miles.
What your ex is good at is playing with your heart like it’s a ball that he bounces against the wall when he’s looking for entertainment. Ugh these are the worst kind of guys-they make a lot of my readers totally miserable.I have a younger brother that is your age and he moved across country to be with a girl. They are both artists so they are around each other allll the time. They don’t have any free time and yet they are still together. They have been together 4 years. There are a lot of young couples that spend all their time together and yet they still continue to live together. I honestly think there is another issue that is having a serious impact on your relationship not just the fact that you guys used to spend too much time together.
It really sounds like your ex is at a point in his life where he has an inner need to play the field instead of settling down. This could be a major reason why he won’t step up and give you the relationship you want/need/deserve. The majority of guys go through a stage where they prefer dating different types of girls instead of being tied down in a serious relationship. They want to have fun with their buddies, have casual relationships and have one night stands. They also don’t want to be held accountable for their actions. As the days pass, he will either miss you too much and step up or he will become more emotionally detached and this urge to play the field will get stronger.
Most concerning is if you do get him back and continue this relationship, many times the guy resents the girl and he ends it yet again later down the line if he feels he didn’t get those inner urges out of his system. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you or wants you because I don’t doubt his feelings for you. I agree with Finntoga. You definitely need to sit down and speak to him and get all the details about where he stands-you need major clarification. He will only give you the relationship that you want if he’s at the stage of his life where he wants a serious relationship. But I’ve seen this situation a lot of times before. I think he does know in his heart but doesn’t know how to tell you the type of relationship that he wants.
Hey Thargus,
Good to hear that you find my posts interesting. I will check out your thread when I have a chance!
Hi Kaila,
I’ve been super busy so haven’t had a chance to read or reply to your post. To clear up some confusion about me-My boyfriend and I live together and are in a long-term relationship. I’ve learned so much about relationships through my own relationship experiences in the past as well as from hundreds of thousands of my readers.
Addressing your post-Do you think that’s what happened in your situation-that it was a drug that your body was craving and you needed to have it therefore you felt it was best to fight for it?It really sucks you lost a guy that you loved but I hope that you find someone that has his qualities. Always remember one of the key factors that makes a guy stay in a relationship is the way that you make him feel. Make him feel appreciated, loved, inspired to be the best man he can be, focus on all the best things about him and make him feel really good about himself. When a guy is treated like that, he will devote himself entirely to your relationship and the two of you will have a strong emotional bond that will help you guys get through life’s ups and downs. Cheating won’t even enter his mind because he is so happy in the relationship.
Addressing the part of your post about me seeing things in black and white. I know that you meant well but honestly you didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I have interviewed hundreds of couples that got back together many years after they split. I’ve heard a million different variables from my readers during my writing career so the constructive criticism was pointless. It sounds more like your mind’s way of keeping hope alive that you and your ex will get back together at some point in the future. You never know you might. But for now, it’s better that you put him in your past just like it sounds like you are doing because to do otherwise, would leave you stuck and miserable. And there are a lot of people on these boards that are stuck waiting for their ex to come back. It’s the best thing after a breakup to see the relationship for what it actually is instead of what it could become in the future.
Addressing this question-“Should they try to be with the best person they have ever met or reject their own feelings and wishes to find something they might never find?” It doesn’t matter if a person tries to be with the best person they have ever met if the person doesn’t want them in a romantic capacity. It won’t do them any good to fight for someone that can’t or won’t reciprocate those feelings. One of the most unattractive qualities to someone that breaks up with their partner is when the other person won’t stop trying to reconcile.
A person is pretty much forced to reject their own feelings and wishes if the other person isn’t on the same page as they are. Love has to be mutual in strength and depth for a relationship to work out. Unrequited love in which the other person can’t reciprocate the strength and depth of your feelings is one of the most painful things in this life. Many people feel like they have lost the will to live and see no point in going on living. But what they should remember is that when a chapter in their life book closes, another one begins. And they just might find the true love that they are looking for in that new chapter.
Hey Finntoga, Thank you so much for your comments-I also enjoyed reading your posts! It has been truly delightful to get a sense of your personality and the strength that you have. I would have loved to discuss more about twinsouls with you! I have learned so much over the years,I am in the process of writing a book about it. I wish you endless love and happiness with a guy who puts you above anyone else and honestly appreciates all the beauty that you hold within your amazing spirit. Continue to pass on the things that you have learned in your lifetime to help make the life paths of other people easier because you have a brilliant mind. I am so glad my path crossed with yours!! I have a personal e-mail that you can email me at if you like. It is [removed]. Apologies for not replying sooner..work has been so busy!
Ellie earlier you asked for a personal way to get a hold of me. I have been so busy today so I have not had a chance to reply but you can e-mail me at [removed] if you need more help!
Hey Between-You were on the right path. You have to keep limiting your interactions with him. You have made it way way too easy for him to get all the benefits of a girlfriend without the pressure/responsibilities of the boyfriend title. He’s obviously emotionally attached to you but not enough to call you his girlfriend. That isn’t fair to you. Unless you are happy being in this pseudo-relationship, you can’t be that available to him. He can’t have it both ways-treating you like a gf but I don’t think he realizes that because you have been so readily available just like before when you lived together. He needs to make a choice. And you need to make a decision. Distance yourself from him even though you do work together. Interact with him only if necessary. Guys will get away with as much as you will let them. And they will constantly test their limits with their ex to see how much they can get laid. So value yourself a lot more than what this guy is doing to you. And like another poster said, this guy isn’t the one if he can’t commit. You shouldn’t feel the way you do if this guy were the right one. Things wouldn’t be this hard. And he never would have moved out if this were the true love you were intented for-even if you guys are young. I think you guys make a great couple but he’s just too young to commit. If only you could fast forward time, I’m sure you would have had an incredible love story because you mature and learn alot about relationships as the years pass. Learn from this experience and find a guy that will give you his all not only part of him.
I had the exact same high hopes for Brokenhearted-but she began to slip away once she felt she wasn’t in control of the situation. So she obsessively messaged him and let her impulses take over. I feel she is also back at square one and I don’t see any good outcome in this scenerio. I agree with you that he is playing a game with her and toying with her emotions like a dog on a leash and she obediently plays along. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It’s awesome that you have such a healthy outlook on your situation. I hope that you find an extremely intelligent guy that can handle an enlightened girl!! I love the way that you think and you rock at giving advice to others!!
As for people on these boards, yes I noticed the same thing. People that did a lot of damage to their relationship are now searching how to get their ex back. And I’m thinking “Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would return to that hell?” It’s unbelievable! I can’t stand people that give bad advice. You just know that following their bad advice is going to lead to more pain and suffering and that’s not fair. And someone in the clutches of a bad breakup can’t see that it’s the worst advice. I ran into posts where Nora gave such shitty advice I cringed and it pissed me off. I don’t think that she should be advising people blindly and that is exactly what she is doing. I’ve thought about creating a relationship site like this because I know I could help a lot of people but I just don’t have time because I have so many clients. I got lucky this weekend because it’s Memorial Day weekend here in the states so I had more time than usual to help!
@ Nora, once again you give seriously really bad advice! This guy basically has law enforcement involved in this breakup and yet you are telling him that it’s okay to contact her. I think she’s mad because you sound like a clingy type of guy or she cheated. Either way, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. She is telling you over and over again that she is done with you forever. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s true. IGNORE the advice that Nora is giving you because it’s ridiculous.
You need to seriously get over this girl for good. I guarantee that the situation won’t change in a year or twenty. She has totally lost respect for you because you are starting to annoy her and are threatening to hurt yourself. Girls see that as a weak guy move and that is not attractive and very pathetic. Pretend she fell off the planet and no longer exists.
@JBurg-I totally agree with Solid. Regardless if Solid is in a good place or not, he is giving excellent advice. I’m a relationship writer and am in a relationship of several years so I’m in a good place. And I’m telling you that I strongly feel that Seanl needs to move on and forget this girl existed. He’s stuck in time thinking that he can get her back when we all know that is impossible. She’s clearly lost respect for him and thinks he’s more of a stalker than anything. I know because in the past when I was 18, I had the same kind of situation in my life. So the best thing for him to do is to go out and meet other girls and make an actual effort to move on. This girl doesn’t want him at all. Every fact proves that. If she was wearing a neon blinking sign, she couldn’t be more clear. So Solid is right, it’s time to move the fuck on.
Hi Penny, Sounds like a very difficult situation. Doesn’t seem like he has any time for a relationship right now. What were the major problems in the relationship? A divorce and opening a resteraunt were high-stress events in his life but that doesn’t mean he has to give up the woman he loves. Do you think he still is in love with you or did he fall out of love?
