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ty10,
I’ve been struggling with this one myself… In my situation, it was always me to reconcile “most” of our arguments. Part of the reason things went sour between my ex and I was that I always felt I put in 110% to making things work and I felt she put in 50%. She would be one of those head strong types and I would place her, on a scale of 1-10, on the stubborn scale…. at a healthy 9.5. In the end, she was the one who said she was “just done”, so technically I am the dumpee.
A good majority of me says, “you need to let her realize she wants to be with you”. But, my experience with her is that she has a fear of being left and I fear if I don’t make contact with her and get the ball rolling after NC, I’ll never hear from her again. That’s my fear anyways.
In a way, I feel that if things were to work out for the long term between her and I, she would need to reach out and make the initial effort to reconcile. I feel given the fact she walked away from the relationship, for me to feel she wouldn’t do it again, she would need to come back to me. Eventually, will I make the initial contact? I haven’t made a choice about that at this point. I’m currently on day 13, so I’m almost half way there. We’ll see what another 17 days do to my decision.
My 2 cents
Ras,
I forgot to congratulate you on getting back with your guy! I’m glad you guys talked and were able to work some things out. I just hope, for your sake, he’s been genuine about his feelings. Good luck! 🙂
Yup, I hear ya. I wasn’t planning on contacting her again. I thought about after the 30 days, but at this point,I feel she needs to be the one to make the first step. She’s extremely head strong and stubborn, and the more you talk to her, the more she backs into her shell.
In a way, it’s possible I was expecting more from her, but I wanted more than anything to convey to her that I’m not an a$$hole and I still have a backbone. On top of that, I didn’t want her to think I was leaving any loose ends, or trying to take anything of hers.
Agreed though, time to move forward and continue working on myself. Much thanks for your prompt response.
ItWorked4Me,
I need your advice on thread I just started… (Broke NC, not sure if I should have). I’m really hoping I just didn’t screw things up for myself…
Well said ItWorkedForMe… The POF thing may be true for most guys, but there are guys (me) who have used it to meet people and gain long term relationships from it. My ex and i met on that site and we we’re together for about 10 months. It’s all on how you look at the site and what you’re looking for. It had been a nice way to filter out people and determine if they were good/bad apples.
Couldn’t agree more. And even if you loose on the role, you just found out she obviously didn’t want you as bad as you wanted her. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but a must.
SolidTurd, Under normal circumstances I would 100% agree with you. The thought of not responding to someone who took time and effort and thought to communicate with me, is a huge blow to my normal modus operandi, but this is not normal circumstances. Emergencies, yes… but “I miss you” is only an emergency if you’re in need of an emergency. But, as SolidTurd say’s, do what you want to do. Only you know your situation, yourself and your ex 🙂 Date time 🙂
I’ll respond more when I get back, but I have to get ready for my date this afternoon 🙂 <—That being the first I’m doing to improve myself, the 2nd is trying my hardest to have control of myself and not let someone dictate my mental/physical health. I think that last one is probably the most important. Whenever the thought of her enters my head, I replace it with something that makes me happy, and preferably NOT of my ex. There will come a time where I can let the good things of her back in, but for right now, it’s removing her from my mental state for a while and get a little dose of someone who does want to spend time with me… friends, date, animals…
Trust me, I know how you feel. I get waves of anxiety coming and going when I think about her not coming back. BUT, you have to just accept that he will not come back, work on yourself and have faith that it will work out how it’s suppose to work out. If he moves on because you didn’t respond to his attempt to contact, then do you think he really had the feelings you wanted him to have for you?
This is what I’m living by and every time I feel the urge to send her a message to share with her something we use to share together, this is what I read (from why you should wait before….):
“In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.
If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.
Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.
However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.”
That’s my motivation. And in the meantime, I’m working on myself and adjusting certain behaviors that caused the relationship to go sour. I’m also setting boundaries for myself for future relationships, or one with my ex if that’s going to happen, where I’m setting respect boundaries and if she crosses them, then I will act accordingly to show her I’m not going to put up with it. She can make the choice to leave again, or correct her behavior. I would hope she would do the same with me as well. Partners need to keep each other in check in a relationship and also respect themselves as well as their partner. That’s my idea anyways.
How long has it been? I’m only on day 4, but I’m feeling pretty good about mine. I had been prepping myself for this since we last saw each other, so it was just a matter of seeing her do the things she’s doing on FB and it’s all because I’m not contacting her.
Have you read through all the info on this site, NC/sneaky signs, rebound relationship/why you should wait before getting your ex back?
I’ve read and reread and reread them… No guarantee I’ll get everything right and understand everything, but I’m committed to seeing this through. Just like I’m committed to making the relationship between my ex and I work, if she deems me important enough to stick with me.
He may… He may be just looking to see if you’re still acting needy. I’m 34 and my ex is 32. She has two kids and I have one. Possibly a little more reason I need to know if she’s worth me and in it for the long haul.
Idk, if you’re asking me (again I am not where you’re at right now in my NC), but I would wait. I would wait a few more times that he’s tried to contact you and put him in the position you’ve been in since he broke it off with you. If he wants you as bad as you want him, he will still be there. Make him think about it and work for you a little bit. Ya know?
My experience as a guy, is if a girl is too easy, she’s not worth keeping. There needs to be a little push and pull… Not straight up games, but a little hard to get. a little. Just my 2 cents as a guy.
Straight from the NO CONTACT rules:
“You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.”
Sorry guys/girls, (as for right now) I’m hell bent on my NC and I’m encouraging others to do the same 😛 I’ve been tossing around the idea in my head for a bit as to when to contact my ex, only after she contacts me and only after the time limit I’ve set…
What do you think about once they start coming off as needy?
Keep strong and hold out… wait your time and let him stew in it. I’m starting to understand this a little more. It’s that whole, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone thing”.
I’m on day 4 with my ex, after we’ve been broken up for a little over 6 weeks now. I think today would be on par with the longest we’ve gone without talking in the year we’ve known each other, so I hope you guys can support me to stay NC when I start jones’n for her. Please, and I know it’s going to happen eventually.
I can see NC working with my ex already though, she’s been acting very strange and out of character since we last text. I can tell she wants to communicate and find out what I’m doing, but it’s my non-communication that IS my communication with her that’s going to let her know I mean business. You give into their communication before you’re ready with the “new you”, and all you’re doing is tell them they have YOU. You be in charge, you dictate the pace. They need that “shit, what did I do phase to ring in their thoughts, because then THEY will be the ones who will start looking to change their behavior in the relationship for the better. I believe it may be a respect thing… You’re demanding their respect, and if you give in, they’ll lose respect for you. With my situation (See my post), I’m at a point where I know I need to work on myself and if she never contacts me again, then I guess that answered my question, which is, “Am I worth it to her?”. And I have to ask myself, do I want someone who doesn’t want to put in the effort into me? Tough, but you have to set boundaries. Ya know?
Stay tough Ras!
