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Last summer my current girlfriend and I broke up for 2 very difficult months in which I counted the days and the seconds down til she would come to her “senses”. I searched the internet and eventually stumbled upon the no contact rule which I followed to the “T”. I came back to tell you that it works and maybe it would help someone else out going through the same thing.
Here are some grounds rules though:
1. Your initial relationship has to have been more good moments than bad because if it was a constant battle filled with daily arguments you will be better off moving on. Which NC will eventually help you both discover.
2. You cannot under any circumstance respond to any attempts at contact from them in anyway. Ever. In your mind they have to be basically dead or moved to Siberia with no access to anything remotely civilized ever again.
3. If you break #2 at all you might as well hang it up because it only works if you absolutely ignore them for what they will eventually feel as forever. The reason why it works is based on a few factors.
a. she will eventually start missing you and wondering what you are doing if you give her time to dwell on it.
b. the options out there are limited and even if you’re half retarded (technical term) you’re probably still better than 80% of her current options. Even if she cheated this still applies, because let’s be honest here, what are the odds she met her soul mate while dating you? I think it’s like 4% so yeah, pretty unlikely.
c. women tend to break down over longer periods of time where men seem to move on eventually and the scale seems to tip in your favor the longer you stay away.4. This will not be easy and most of you will give up or fail long before it would ever have a chance at working because I know I sure as hell debated on it every day. The only thing you can do it focus your attention to the strategy and roll the dice.
It worked for me, she’s sitting upstairs right now and things are better than ever.
Thanks for sharing this, really happy for you. How did you reconcile after the 2 months? Who made contact and how?
I too am finding the NC very hard but I am also determined. I am on day 22 and trying to focus on me rather than her.
Well she like most women, left some things unfinished in the event she needed an excuse to reach out to me. After weeks of nothing she reached out for what is more or less a business related reason that I was basically forced to answer.
So instead of talking, I sent over what was requested and nothing more.
Her attempt to reach out was thwarted by me and as it turns out that was her last life line, a few days later we -by chance- ran into each other at an event where I was with another girl. Two days later she hit me up saying she felt really badly and wanted to talk; we’ve been together since going on roughly 8 months.
Hang tough my friend, it will get easier and your odds are actually getting better every day.
Is it the same when its the guy who dumped the woman? My ex guy texted me something along the lines of I miss you (turned it into an inside joke which definitely made me laugh) a few days ago. I didn’t respond… he hasn’t contacted me again. And a friend saw him on Tinder today.
I really want to get in tough with him. It’s driving me crazy.
Wow, @ItWorked4Me – she saw you with another girl! You’re like some sort of NC Jedi! That takes it to a whole new level of realization for the gf, but it acts as a good demonstration of the manner in which you have to condition them (ie. they have lost you). I may not be able to achieve her seeing me but I have gone on Tinder in an effort to get a platonic date for myself. I want to see how I feel after that. Until then I will maintain NC.
@Ras217 I believe it is the same, we are not so different. Look at my above update, I am on Tinder but have no interest in anyone else at present. The text to you is personal and cannot be misinterpreted. Keep doing what you are doing, and understand, you are driving him more crazy each and every day. I am trying to concentrate on myself and think about me – try to do the same. It’s a roller coaster but just think of it all as a process to get through.@fredshed1 I can take a guess and tell you that if you’re looking at it as a “see how I feel after” type situation, you will be disappointed. Its not a bad thing necessarily, it just is what it is. You’re kinda heading into it with the hopes that this date will change the way you feel about your ex which chemically speaking is almost impossible this early on. You would pretty much need to completely connect with the new person and I doubt that’s a real possibility. I’m no expert but I played around with all this stuff. I would just use it as a band aid to get through another shitty day, however I would recommend posting a harmless date night selfie online if you feel inclined. Trust me, if shes on the fence it will drag her back on your side. The common fear is “She’ll see me and it will really be over”, but that’s not actually how it works. Flip the situation (you seeing her with someone) and see how you would feel/react.
Ras217 Tinder is just a wounded guys way of trying to replace what he feels like he lost. It rarely works if ever but it provides the instant gratification of someone else agreeing that they are attractive (I literally did the same thing lol) Trust me, if you’re smart enough to google search this site, read through the forum and sign up for a membership, you are over qualified for a Tinder account. I’m curious, how long have you been doing NC and if ultimately the goal is to get him back why didn’t you respond when he reached out?
@itworked4me I didn’t respond when he reached out because I don’t want him to think I’m there whenever HE wants me. He broke up with ME. I wanted him to miss me.
This is why I’m struggling because I regret not responding. It was a great text from him. Can I respond now and see what happens? I don’t want him to think I don’t care. I’m afraid that’s what drove him to sign up for Tinder (again). He took himself off once he met me…
I feel sick. 🙁
Oh yeah and here’s a timeline of the NC:
Friday, May 22: break up
Monday, May 25: I texted him to get some closure. He says absolutely. He calls me. Says when he gets back we can get together.Wednesday, May 27: he texts me to let me know he’s back. No mention of getting together. He knows I’m out of town this weekend.
Friday, May 29: he sends the “I miss you/inside joke” text.
I started a thread called “not sure about NC” that explains the whole story.
@fredshed1 – trying to focus on me but its so hard. I want to just reply to his message then go back to NC… He knows I’m out of town starting Saturday but didn’t ask when I was getting back.
Well im not an expert at this but i would suggest maybe trying a little bait first.
Do you have any reason to reach out other than just responding? Maybe he left a shirt at your house or some other excuse to make contact less obvious?
You could always make your own tinder account and wait til he stumbles on it.
Remember hes feeling the pressure of not hearing from you as well hence his text.
Hang tough, youre almost home.
He didn’t leave anything at my place… I’m tempted to say “weird… your message came through yesterday but it’s time stamped from Friday”. I don’t know; that’s risky.
I gotta say something tho. Everything inside of me is telling me to say SOMETHING.
Ras217 I can hear you need for a connection of any sort and I know that feeling too well. But I broke my NC too soon and it’s a regret of mine. But I felt exactly how you did infact it was last week for me and I HAD to reach out. I just wanted to share with you that I understand what you are saying and do feel your pain regarding this.
Perhaps others will have some advice that can guide you.
You came this far.
I came back to tell you no contact works if you follow the steps. Reaching back out after a contact in my experience it wont work.
Good luck
Thanks pj1234. What’s really regretting me now is that I didn’t respond to his funny I miss you text. I just had the “no contact” thing engrained into my head.
I’m not sure what I could say to him at this point. A part of me wants to make a joke back then ask how he’s doing. Thoughts?
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