AGuyWhoMissesHer

I don’t really understand what he means in his text, neither person in a relationship should get to do that. Neither person should get to treat the other however they like, it should be dynamic, they should treat each other in a way that makes the two of you happy. It’s not about control or anything, it’s about the fact that you want to be with that person.

Maybe I’m misreading what he is saying but it doesn’t make sense to me. If he doesn’t like the way you start treating him again he could always leave again. Like jumping into a relationship doesn’t cause that other person to control him. I don’t really understand I guess. Also wasn’t he being kinda jealous with you when you two weren’t even dating? That’s being way to controlling, he doesn’t get to break up with you and then go “oh we are broken up but you can’t have any guy friends” that’s not okay.

Maybe he’s projecting his own feelings on to you, like he feels like he’s been controlling you and reflects it to you so he doesn’t feel guilty about it.

Hey Sorry I didn’t see that post for some reason, didn’t show up for me till I checked again right now.

As far as the issues you mentioned above. I don’t really think 2 or 3 are really your fault. I can understand how that would shake up a relationship but I feel like those things in a weird way would strengthen your relationship. I’m sorry you were abused. That’s gotta be really tough to deal with.

As far as I can tell his only real issues with trust would be maybe when you broke up with him those times. I can understand why he’d have a hard time dealing with that. 3 times is quite a few times. I’d say if you ever get back with him or someday you find somebody else, don’t do that unless you are sure you absolutely want to break up with them. Its really hurtful to the other person. But I’m sure you’ve had time to think about that and realize that. I assume he broke up with you? Why did he do that?

Why did he come over and get physical with you? Did you guys talk about anything beforehand? I think in the future before any of that stuff happens you should have the “talk” about the relationship or whatever if it comes to that.

Have you had any sort of non-emotional conversation with him recently? I think heart to heart conversations are good but you have to build up to those by having fun with them or re-ignite those friendly conversations and jokes you’ve had with him. Did you talk about stuff for fun at coffee or when he came over? I think that stuff is very important, then your ex can see you are doing well and are confident etc.

Also dude if he is jealous of you meeting other people that’s gotta mean something positive for you, it means he’s got some sort of positive emotions. Like if he broke up with you and then is jealous about you that’s not really okay. You have a right to make friends, you are broken up, why does he care about friends you are making. This dude gotta commit to you or deal with the fact that you are meeting with other people.

I think its good you explained why you did some of the things, like referencing your parents relationship is a big deal. That takes a lot of self awareness to understand. I think I would more focus on what you would do or what you have been working on to prevent your previous issues from popping up again. That make sense?

Honestly I don’t think you should have to prove that you are trustworthy with logic. I think its something you feel, which is built up over time. I think the issues you face should build up the trust between you two. Idk, maybe I’m crazy, but I still trust my ex that she was telling me the truth when she said she didn’t break up with me because of him etc. That’s something that I just feel with her. Obviously, there was some lack of trust from my end otherwise I wouldn’t have checked her texts in the first place. The problem is I don’t think she trusts me anymore, and I can understand why. Its just hard for me to deal with sometimes. It wasn’t like I cheated on her or anything, I didn’t lie to her about it, and I tried to talk to her about it quite a few times. That doesn’t excuse what I did and I still feel responsible for it but it just makes me feel really terrible.

If he doesn’t want to be with you after you present all these things that you have done to work on yourself for him, he doesn’t really deserve to be with you. You should be proud of yourself for making it this far.

I think you should just put all his gifts and stuff in a box somewhere. I should probably do that with my ex’s stuff ughh. Thats not going to be fun.

Hi Anon1236,

Yeah that doesn’t seem fair to say he doesn’t want to get back with you but still is physical with you. In my opinion, don’t let it get past hugging as far as physical stuff goes unless he commits to you or you have that conversation. If he tries I’d say pull away from it until you talk. What book of his did you have that he couldn’t just get another one or something or have mailed to him?

I would go back on no contact with her but I feel like she doesn’t really miss me at all. I think she’s too stubborn to admit it even if she did. My concern is that if I wait too long she’s just going to start seeing the other guy. She might already be doing that I don’t know. I hope now :/

It’s just frustrating because I thought things would get better after coffee but she says she isn’t really ready for anything past that so I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing honestly.

I don’t think this guy will match up to me but she still might date him which hurts, I don’t feel like her deserves her and probably looks good because he doesn’t seem insecure, even though he sort of caused me to feel it. And everyone feels sympathy to him because he fell a few stories. It’s just too much to handle sometimes. I don’t want to move on but sometimes I feel like I should just move past her.

If he says he loves you and he misses you, when that happens ask him why. If that’s what he says and feels I don’t think you can use logic there, I think you’ll have to depend on an emotional connection.

I don’t know if him thinking about it will reach to a descision either but remember he did say he’d talk to you before Christmas. I think try to improve yourself until that point. Ball is in his court now which sucks, makes you feel powerless. I understand that feeling, I’m there now too. But you only have a few days to make it :). I think wait until then. I don’t think it makes sense to read into every little thing that he said or didn’t say. Does that make sense?

Heh thanks I appreciate that, I wish my ex felt that I was genuine and lovely but she hasn’t really given me the chance to show her recently :/. But she hasn’t really given me the chance to say anything, so I’m backing off for a bit. She said she wanted to be friends with me but can’t really handle talking to me for some reason. I really don’t understand what she is doing. It’s quite frustrating and sad.

I really miss her :/ but I don’t know what to do. We had coffee and it went well but now she’s backing off from me and I feel hopeless. I really hope things work out for you. I don’t think it’s going to work out for me. I hope it does but I’m too afraid to send her anything because I’m worried she won’t respond or will just ignore me again.

I mean from my perspective it seems like something resonated with him. People change their minds all the time. I think there could be a lot of different reasons for him to say that. I don’t know him well enough or what he is going through, maybe he did just want you to go away or maybe something stuck with him. I feel like if he really knew that he didn’t want to be with you he would have told you there, but he didn’t. So from my eyes I feel like he would actually be thinking about it. There’s not really a good way of knowing. I’m sorry that might not help you but that’s what I feel.

I guess I don’t really think it matters, you have to trust that he is going to think about it. You put yourself out there which is great. If he doesn’t want to be with you it’s his loss. You sound like a nice committed girl. You deserve to be with somebody who wants to be with you.

Does any of that make sense? Sorry I can’t be more helpful, i don’t really know what he’s going through, but from my perspective I think he will actually think about things.

I would say wait until Christmas and see what he says, if he says he needs more time give it to him. He’s already told you he’s going to make the descision by then so I’d say let him be, maybe he’ll decide by then maybe he won’t. He’s not going to get completely over you in 6 days. You don’t have to offer to give him more time if he’s already set it.

I’m not sure what he means by his text you are referring to because I don’t really know the circumstances of the breakup. I don’t really understand why he would say that or what he means by it.

In my opinion Id send a “hey, I just wanted to say thanks for listening to what I had to say. Take some time to think about it. I’m always here if you want to talk or if I was unclear about something I said. It was nice to see you.”

It’s a bit less connected emotionally but I think it’s a bit less heavy while still being considerate.

You can always send that text but I don’t think you have to right now. He’s still probably thinking about what you said, so I’d let him focus on that

I understand how you are feeling, my ex met with me for coffee to catch up and partially because she needed to sign a form thing since we were living together. Since then she’s been pretty distant from me. We haven’t even really gotten around to talk about the relationship. She’s crazy stubborn so I think she wants to stick with her descision to break up. But I’m pretty stubborn too and I want her to be with me again.

I think he was probably a little cold and distant because that’s the only way he knows how to deal with things, it’s probably a lot for him to deal with. Remember this is a roller coaster for him too. I know you think you don’t have too much of a chance but I don’t think that should be what you are focusing on. He seems to miss you and he seems to still be attracted to you.

I think it’s just a lot for him to handle right now, I’d say let him know you are there for him if you want to talk and that you appreciate him listening. I don’t think there’s a whole lot you can do. But you should be happy, you put your emotions out there and opened up to him. That was very brave of you to do. I think you just have to be patient. It doesn’t really matter what you think the chances are, because I think the ball is in his court now, and I think that’s okay. He’s got to make the descision to come back to you. Give him some time I think. Also he might not be ready to make a descision by Christmas, maybe it’s okay to tell him that he doesn’t have to make a descision by then, takes a bit of pressure off him.

For now try to relax and take some time to yourself. Try to distract yourself and hang out with friends/family. Who knows, it might be the last few days you are single 🙂

Wishing you all the best. I think it’s going to work 🙂