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Hey, thanks for taking the time to read my long post.
He broke up with me because ‘the trust had gone’.
We had only spoken twice over the past 10 weeks since we had last seen each other, both of which were fun conversations. We went for coffee on Saturday, which he first initiated 3 weeks ago (said perhaps we should talk when you come home for Christmas) so I checked if he would still like to 3 weeks later when I got home (Saturday last week, we had been in no contact for those 3 weeks), and he said yes. We had a fun friendly conversation for 2 hours which he said he enjoyed, said it was great to see the changes I had made and how I was doing well. He said he wanted to drive me home, so he did, it was when we pulled up outside my house that the kissing and hugging etc happened.
The following day, I texted him and asked if he would like to cook dinner together sometime or watch a film together, he sent a text saying: ‘It was lovely to see you yesterday and to see you are doing well in yourself and at university. I don’t think we should get back together, I’m very sorry’. He said ‘I’ve been reflecting on it, if we got back together I would be telling myself it’s ok for you to treat me however you like’. I didn’t beg, cry, or scream, I said trust can be rebuilt, said I wanted to give him his book back and had something I wanted to say, and asked him to meet me inbetween our houses. Then the talk about the relationship/break-up happened (the long post I posted earlier). After the relationship talk he said he was going to think.
I was thinking last night, would someone really be that cruel to tell you it’s over for good 2-3 days before Christmas? He seemed sure he would be in touch with a decision before Christmas.
If he was genuinely unsure of what his decision would be, wouldn’t he just say he’d be in touch after Christmas (since he knows I’m still at home after Christmas to talk to)? If I was in his shoes and genuinely unsure, that’s what I would have done.
I don’t think I’d worry about what he said, I think you should start thinking about what you are going to do for the next few days. Sitting around worrying about it probably isn’t the best thing for you. I know it happens but I think you just gotta make it to Christmas. Also I don’t see how he could say it was over after he came over to your place the night before.
What are you going to do in the next few days to keep your mind off things? He needs some space right now I think.
I don’t really understand what he means in his text, neither person in a relationship should get to do that. Neither person should get to treat the other however they like, it should be dynamic, they should treat each other in a way that makes the two of you happy. It’s not about control or anything, it’s about the fact that you want to be with that person.
Maybe I’m misreading what he is saying but it doesn’t make sense to me. If he doesn’t like the way you start treating him again he could always leave again. Like jumping into a relationship doesn’t cause that other person to control him. I don’t really understand I guess. Also wasn’t he being kinda jealous with you when you two weren’t even dating? That’s being way to controlling, he doesn’t get to break up with you and then go “oh we are broken up but you can’t have any guy friends” that’s not okay.
Maybe he’s projecting his own feelings on to you, like he feels like he’s been controlling you and reflects it to you so he doesn’t feel guilty about it.
No, he wasn’t controlling whether I had friends or not once we had broken up. The reason I told him my uni friends were platonic was so that he would feel more comfortable/more likely to want to be with me again.
I think when he said ‘if we got back together I would be telling myself it’s ok for you to treat me however you like’, he meant based on our past relationship. He probably means he shouldn’t enter a new relationship with me out of self-respect based on the old relationship.
I’ve given him 10 weeks of space, now I’m giving him another week of space 🙁 Don’t understand why he needs another week unless I said something on Sunday that he didn’t already know before.
@Anon1236, am giving a guys perspective and there is a VERY BIG possibility of him having a very high ego which is not allowing him to come back and to make matters worse he is taking your emotions for a ride even right now.
You can continue to obsess over his behavior which will interfere in your process of evolving (even if you say you’re improving, this behavior clearly shows none of the improvement has helped and the motivation was totally misplaced to go for this improvement) and thus ANY chances of you being able to be in charge is void.
Any guy who says he ‘loves’ a girl will know better how to behave. I will not try to explain more on this cos you’re trying to find way too many meanings behind every word written here and this obsession is not at all healthy.
Unfortunately his moral compass doesnt stop him from kissing, hugging, etc but it comes in between when he has to confront reconciliation. I think even @AGuyWhoMissesHer will agree on this. Am not going to lecture you on self-respect, having some integrity, etc cos I can see you care for none of it currently and just want the feeling of warmth back when you’re with him. In that case continue groveling, pleading, begging to him to get back and keep praying it works in your favor.
If he can play games, you better learn to play as well or be ready to lose cos you’ve no leverage in this case. You’re letting him walk all over you which makes you a loser in the game to begin with.
Either get started on a plan towards reconciliation or get hold of a corner and let those tears flow till eternity cos he aint gonna change his behavior till you dont. STOP BEING AVAILABLE AT ALL.
If you think you deserve this guy (after you being treated secondary in front of his own ego) then lets not waste more time on this forum and devote all your time to begging and pleading to him.
If you want the same guy but with a better attitude, then lets stick to a plan to make him miss you, want you and come back to you.Choice is yours. You’ve overanalysed A LOT over some silly little text. If you really want to get on to a plan then text him first saying you’re tired of being an emotional slave to his ego and will be blocking him cos you cannot take anymore hurt and if he really wants to try then he’ll find a way to contact you. Cos what he is doing isnt love and what you’re doing is just plain needy which NO MAN likes to see in a girl.
Good luck!
Hi amcee,
3 weeks after the break up (8 weeks ago) I told him I was moving on with my life and wasn’t going to wait around. I told him to contact me if he wanted me. He contacted me 2 weeks later to see how I was doing, not for reconciliation. He missed me but didn’t want me or come back to me.
If I sent a text saying I wouldn’t be a slave to his ego anymore, wouldn’t the same thing happen?
I want to be completely sure before I send it that it wouldn’t backfire.
Knowing his personality, I think it would backfire. I know he wants a ‘nice, loving, caring’ girlfriend, and sending that would probably make him angry.
Seeing as the reason for breaking up is trust issues, I don’t think it would go down well.
Thank you for your advice anyway @amcee
Like I mentioned in my reply, if you’re okay with having him back the way he is currently (someone who places his ego before your happiness) then surely go ahead and do what you feel is right.
I pray it works out for you!!
@amcee, since he said he would ‘have a think about what I had said and get in touch’, is that really suggestive of a big ego?
No it is just suggestive of him having a big heart (sarcasm in case it wasnt apparent).
Put yourself in his shoes and tell me if you would still ‘think about’ all the efforts being put by the other partner or will you also want to put equal efforts before kissing and making out and misleading someone?If this doesnt answer your question then nothing will.
Shall I send him a text telling him I feel terrible? Still haven’t heard back from him, it’s been 4 days.
No, absolutely not. Don’t talk to him. He said to give him until Christmas to think about it. Give him that time. He asked for it. Be Patient. See if he responds before then, I don’t think anything you can say is going to really help steer him towards you right now. I know it hurts but just wait. Go find something to distract yourself with for a bit. You’ve only got a few days left. Think about it this way. You only have to wait like 3 more days for the potential to be with him for the rest of your life. Make sense?
He isn’t likely to say anything on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day as he’s seeing family, he usually goes out with his friend to the pub on Friday evenings so that only leaves the rest of today for him to contact me.
He didn’t say to give him until Christmas, he said it would be before Christmas
I’m not going to contact him, I’m just annoyed :/
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