Should I reset No Contact?

@patricia12

Oh no! I think I explained it badly. I was using a work phone, which they are asking back, so now I would be without phone, and since I’m still paying for hers and she doesn’t use it, I would like it back.
I’ll see how it goes with the 2nd girl, but when I told her I got out of a long term relationship she seemed a bit cautious, which is normal. But the rest of the date went REALLY well (she was playing with her hair and we had a super organic convo)
I’m still visiting my psychologist weekly but haven’t gotten my license yet (Not allowed to take the exam yet for another month or 2). I’m 100% certain she still lives at home because its where the package arrived. Last time on the phone it sounded like she got the job to pay for therapy. I could ask about it. But I think our little conversation just died out and I don’t want to do overdo it. So I’ll just leave it until she talks to me again. She’s probably celebrating the birthday with her mom.

Currently working remote as a motion designer! I live in the city so everything is in walking distance or I use my bike. Sometimes I take the train for dates that are further away.

I’ll wait a couple of days and then ask for it. Thank you!

Hey @patricia12 !

She reached out again today. It seems she wants to maintain contact. I noticed this as well when we talked on the phone last month how she mentioned that she still wants to be able to talk to me. But as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I told her I feel uncomfortable with it.
I will be honest. I love hearing from her and I love talking to her. She’s the person that I was able to be fully myself with without judgment for 8 years. I’m just afraid that I will not be able to get over her if we remain in contact, because of the hope of getting back together, etc.
But I also don’t want to ignore her because I feel that will also hurt my chances of getting back together.

Anyway. She complimented me about a drawing that I posted on Instagram yesterday:
” I really like your inktober drawing from yesterday 👍 ”
I’ve been participating in Inktober (art event online). I think my reply will be “Thanks! I bought some new pens for that drawing.” And then try to ask for the phone after that (I hadn’t reached out to her yet). I’m going to think about how to phrase it for now, but I’d love to hear your input on this.

I went on a second date with the girl but I’m going to call it off. The chemistry I felt the first evening isn’t there anymore and I don’t feel very compatible with her and hanging out gives me stress and anxiety.
I will, however, keep seeing and talking to the other girl that I mentioned before because she’s way younger and more alternative like me. I’m not very physically attracted to her but she’s being a really good friend and I feel very comfortable around her. We’ll see what happens. It helps be me be distracted from my ex.

So just get the phone back now and then I will never reach out to my ex again. I feel like she has her doubts about this entire thing and COVID just scared her shitless and she wants to be with her family now.
But that’s just my brain playing tricks on me. I’m trying very hard to let go so I can be stronger and less codependent and a nicer person. I’ve noticed talking to girls on dates about their exes and why their relationships ended is giving me a lot of insight. I’m learning a lot by meeting new people. I just hope I don’t forget these things.

Hey @patricia12 !

So I replied to her a bit later in the day, thanking her for the compliment and sent a gif! I didn’t mention the pens because, I don’t know, it felt so shallow and not really relevant? She didn’t read or reply to that though so I might’ve made a mistake there. I’m having a really hard time navigating conversations with her. We used to share everything and now I don’t want to come across as needy and I feel like I am over-analyzing every interaction.
So I asked about the phone, in the exact way you phrased it, and she replied with:
“ Hey, sure, ill get it back to u as soon as i can”

It felt very cold and impersonal. I said “Alright” and asked her if she got tested for COVID (She was supposed to get tested on Monday). I was a little concerned she might’ve picked it up (she is a smoker and I really hope she doesn’t get it). This conversation went on a bit about the situation at her work, how she has to sanitize everything and how she’s doing a lot of overtime. I started getting a bit uncomfortable so I stopped responding at some point. Again, I am not completely over her, it feels weird the way we talk now (as just “friends”).
I do try to keep it all light and upbeat, which is manageable.

I went out for a 4th time with the girl and it was nice. I am not really looking for a relationship, but she’s fun to hang out with. While I was with her, my ex texted me to say she needs my number (She might’ve lost it when she got the new phone), and that she’s going to ship the phone with DPD.
She also changed her profile picture and she looks amazing and this really hurts and now I feel really bad and relapsing. So that’s the status at the moment. I responded with saying “Alright awesome thanks!” and gave her my number.

I’m feeling pretty down right now. Oh well. If she doesn’t regret the break up, then I hope she has a happy life. She’s very gorgeous and I feel like an idiot for letting her go. I tried to marry her, but that did not work out. I really hope, she ends up with a man that treats her with respect and doesn’t take her for granted.
Can I tell her she looks great in her new profile picture? Or is that bad. She had a really depressive photo when she left, and now she’s smiling again.

Thanks @patricia12

She thanked me for the comment and then later (when she gave me the tracking number for the phone) asked me why I had to give the phone back. This kind of let into a conversation about how I’m switching careers and how I’m going freelance and cutting ties with the company I worked for. They were hit hard financially during COVID and had to let me go (this job was a big cause of stress at home actually. I vented a lot about a specific colleague and how I didn’t like some of the projects they gave me). She said “Good for u, sounds comfy😁”, I said how happy I am with how things turned out and that I get to focus on my own projects now and how more relaxed I feel and that they gave me a nice bonus. She said “Sounds great👍”. I asked how her school is going and she said how it’s all online at the moment but would prefer real classes. I didn’t respond to this.
She then later asked me to send the rest of her Harry Potter books. This was a gift I got her 3 years ago on her birthday. It was a pricey box set of the entire series and it came in a cute package. I already sent her the one book she was reading with her other stuff, I didn’t send the other books because it was too heavy for one shipment and getting a bit expensive. This is something we talked about during the phone call. I also think it’s one of the best presents I ever got her.

Here’s how the interaction went:

Her: Btw, if i give u money could u send all the other Harry Potter books?
Me: You want em all?
Me: Of course!
Her: I mainly want the little trunk they came in😁
Her: But the books as well of course, otherwise theyre just cluttering your space
Me: Well, theyre yours 😅 I’m not going to read them anyway
Me: I have to warn you, the shipping isn’t going to be cheap 😏
Her: If u can do it with DPD that would be great cause their system seems pretty solid and its cheaper
Her: But lets see how your phone gets to u i guess😄
Me: 👍
Me: I’ll look into it!
Me: Just checked PostNL, its one euro cheaper than DPD 😎

I guess I’ll just send it with DPD as she asked, but I wanted to see if there were cheaper options. Anyway, I guess once the phone arrives and I sent the books I will lay low for now and just let her initiate contact again. It’s what I’ve been doing so far, and it feels like the best course of action. I haven’t really initiated anything up till now unless she said something. I feel like I’m being friend-zoned, and because of the quarantine, there is no way of meeting up. I do feel that on the plus side she’s not going to actively date anyone new seeing how scared she is of getting COVID.

I could really use some pointers on my communication because I have no idea how to navigate this. I feel like I’m in this limbo of “friend” and “ex-lover” and I don’t want to fall in the friend zone (even though I probably already am). I really just try to be upbeat and light. She also seems to have her guard up still so it’s hard to talk about deeper stuff. Not that that would be good at this point I guess. We’ll see how things go for now. I’m glad I’m getting the phone back. I was so done with paying for her things.

Our anniversary is next weekend on Halloween and I’m not sure if I’m emotionally prepared to go through it. I already made plans with friends so I’m at least not alone and have distraction.

Thank you again for your continued efforts and time. Knowing I have a place to go to, to lay it all our feels like it is helping me process things.

@patricia12

A very strange thing..I couldn’t get into this site by clicking the menu and then “forums” or “boards”..I had to click on the link inside the email alert I received with your message to me?

Oh! A bug in the system probably!

Well, it sounds like you two are getting along very well! And since she won’t be dating because she’s afraid of the virus, she has time to think of only of you and not some other guy. Try not to worry too much about being friend-zoned. The chance of reconciling is better if you remain friendly than if she harbored very bad feelings about you!

A part of me does fear that her new profile on Facebook picture might have been for an app like Tinder or Bumble. But I’m trying not to think of it like that. And at the same time, I’m dating girls. She should be allowed to also explore her options in a sense. Maybe this would lead her to confirm that we are compatible for each other if she sees what else is out there. But again. This is not something for me to worry about. (I try).

I guess it’s good that you plan on being with friends on the Halloween anniversary, but I suspect that you will still be thinking of her that day.

I probably think about her everyday, so I assume it won’t be different then.

Seems your lay off was a blessing due to the fact you are less stressed out and can focus on your own projects. I’m sure your ex is happy for you and it might even have a positive effect on her as she remembers how agitated you were about your job and how it adversely affected the relationship with her!

When we first met I was in a similar position of trying to become an independent artist. Maybe that’s what initially attracted her to me. So I’m hoping to re-awaken those emotions in a sense. It was really hard to tell her this because I didn’t want to look like my life is falling apart. Thank god I’m using this as a positive opportunity. I hope it goes well.

I’m sure you’ll be glad to get your phone back as she will be to receive her books. Very nice and thoughtful birthday gift..

Thank you.

Yes, good to upbeat/pleasant with her for the time being..and then hopefully in the not too distant future she will be open to discussing the possibility of ways to make amends and reconcile..
Keep your chin up and don’t lose hope..

Thank you Patricia. This really helps me stay positive. I still don’t know how I would handle a reconciliation. All of our countries are still in lockdown and there are travel bans. So I wouldn’t even be able to see her (maybe when I get my license but I think the borders are closed as well…).

I feel like I’m having a hard time (even after all these months it still stings). I dropped the ball here and there (missed some days working out and meditating). But I feel like I shouldn’t give up hope. I have been drawing a lot the past few days and I feel like I am making a lot of progress there. I’m trying to stay motivated. But it is hard. I’m staying mindful and whatever happens, happens.

I will keep you posted if there are any updates. Thank you.

Hey @patricia12

Sorry to hear you’re having trouble with getting to the website. The URL of the website changed recently, maybe that has something to do with it? I just go to https://ebpforums.com/boards/ and log in with my credentials.

There is a new development. I thought she was not going to date anyone because of the pandemic, but as it turns out she is dating someone new. She posted about it on Instagram. This is very weird and she never posted stories before. It was a picture of her having a beer with a guy (didn’t see his face), and a heart saying “date night”. It feels like this is not the first date. It also seems that the picture she had last week on her social media was her getting ready for a date night as well now that I think about it. I honestly feel like I’m going to be sick.
It feels like she’s also throwing it in my face. I don’t know what is going on in her head.
I just feel really bad right now and feel like its the end of the world and I have lost her for good.
I googled what to do and it says I should now focus on myself and I feel that’s not going to work for tonight.
My country just went in another lock down and I am not able to go outside and continue dating the other girl (we were supposed to meet up yesterday, but that got cancelled).

Is this over? I am not going to reach out to her. I’m also not going to remove her from Instagram because that would feel like a pitiful move right.
Please help me. It is our anniversary tomorrow and I can’t believe she’s doing this at this time.

My mind seems to be racing all over the place and she really put a number on me. I just did some meditating and tried to center myself. The fact that its our anniversary and that we are in a complete lockdown seems to make this ten times harder than it should be. I keep going back and forth about thinking of removing her completely from social media. I think if I would do that now I remove all the progress that I have made so far. I feel like I need to remain strong and just keep pushing forward. If I show her weakness and jealousy now, I will be in a bad position. So I will try to maintain myself and let this play out. As I mentioned earlier, it is good for both of us to see other people after having a very dysfunctional relationship.

I just can’t believe that she would put it out there on social media in my face. It feels like a really low blow and a mean thing to do. She already broke up with me over text, she dragged the break up out for so long by “going on a break”. She “forgot” to give the phone back when she said she was going to. It took her forever to get her address to exchange things. I don’t know. It seems like she has no respect for my feelings at all, and this is just throwing salt in the wound.
I have also been on dates but I tried to be civil and not brag about it. I don’t think its very nice of a person to do this.

Regardless. I will ignore this and just keep focusing on myself. There is no point now in continuing this obsession with her. Right? I got the message loud and clear. This will either be a rebound and fail. Or it is serious and I am out of the picture completely. Whatever happens I need to start letting go now. How hard it might be. I will not reach out to her. No matter what.