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Hi everyone. I am new to this topic. I read the first few pages and loved it, you girls are so supportive to each other. I really hope we all get our exs back.
My ex told me two times with almost a month a part he would like to get back but doesn’t feel ready nor does he know when he will of if at all, so I kind of relate to atea. One of my main concerns is we were together for only 5 months :/ we have know each other for many years but never been really friends and he lives 5 minutes from me by foot…
Could you guys read my first post on my topic and tell me what you think? It can be here or there. I would greatly appreciate it.If you don’t want to read the whole topic, here are the updates that aren’t on that first post:
I was with him last tuesday to give him his birthday gift (custom shirt on his adiction: motorcycle riding :P). It didn’t go bad but I felt he was kind of cold… we had a drink, relaxed and started talking more comfortably and all but nothing about the relationship. not sure really… on the way home I said we should go for a ride and he said yes the weather has been good. I even said we could go in the morning so that I wouldnt use his whole day and he said no, no problem. But he ended up not saying anything yet at least.
Also a mutual friend (girl) is gonna be with him this weekend and have a talk about how most of his friends probably tell him to move on but she can give him another perspective that I have really changed. She has been his friend for 3 years and mine just for a few months, we got really close just this past month as we have been going to the gym everyday.
I really am loving the people here and all the positivness and support. But sometimes I feel like I really need to talk to someone that understands and I don’t want to bother my friends with this all the time and that don’t really relate to how I am feeling and this struggle… you guys never thought of creating a secret facebook group or something? that way we could talk better and all maybe
I am also kind of confused. Some aspects seemed to go really well, but other comments seemed not so sure. I think how you feel from being there is the most important. I’m going to think more about it and try to add more thoughts.
I’m not really sure how to say this. I will be very honest based on how I think and react to situations. Everyone is different, but I would never want to know what my ex has done with other men. From what I think and my guy friends say, guys are possessive creatures. Even now after being broke up so long the thought of my ex with another guy gets my stomach uneasy. He might not think or react the same way I do.
My ex was only with one other guy before me and I told her I never wanted to know anything about her history at all when we first me. She once said one thing and it really angered me. I unfortunately expressed that anger toward her and it was one of the few times I really really got mad. Like i said this is how I think. This doesn’t necessary mean anything negative about how you ex thinks as some people really don’t get bothered by it. I don’t think its bad he wanted to know.
atea and mike, I really appreciate your feedback!
Yes it is positive in that we’re on good terms now and get along, no negative feelings towards each other. Mike, I think my ex is a bit of a control freak in that he wants to know what is going on with me. He was quite possessive and jealous in the relationship. He brought up how he would feel sick to his stomach in the past if anything made him jealous, as to suggest this wouldn’t be the case now at all – but the fact that he asked shows he’s still curious at least.So my next update…
He reached out to me the following day, and we met up on Sunday to go for a long walk, coffee then a film round his. Ended up sleeping together again, and I left his this morning. After the film last night, when we discussed our status I said “I don’t want us to be friends”, which he misunderstood and said “Well there’s only one other option and it CAN’T be that!”. It came out of him very naturally and like it was the most obvious thing in the world, so clearly there is no thought of reconciliation for him whatsoever:( I told him I was upset that he had previously said we would probably never get together again ever, and he said “you know the term never say never… I don’t want you to be held back”. I don’t think he meant this at all, but said it to make me feel a bit happier. I asked him if he loves me, to which he replied yes – though he looked down and to the side whilst saying it, avoiding eye contact at all cost. I asked him if he loves me just as a friend or as “girlfriend” and he said somewhere in between, again looking down.
He kept looking at me as if I was some poor puppy he had hurt and felt sorry for, and he looked like he was feeling guilty. That spark in his eye is GONE.
Back in the day, we could just look at each other and not help but smile, and a fire would light up in his eyes. That’s all gone now, and I can completely tell that his feelings aren’t there anymore like they were. During the walk yesterday, I would bump his shoulder etc. to try to be a little physical with him, but he wasn’t returning any of it.
I asked him if he wants to explore other options, and he said “not right now, but possibly later” so I’ll take that as a yes – that he wants to explore others and won’t just change his mind all of a sudden. He also said he doesn’t want anyone to depend on him right now and doesn’t feel dependable enough to be in a relationship.I think what he feels towards me is mostly sexual, guilt for the past, but that being around me doesn’t make much difference to being with a friend for him, and perhaps not even a great friend that he’s excited about seeing.
He has asked me if I want to stay round his house until next weekend, so I don’t have to pay for a hotel (I think just to relieve his guilt). He told me he’s worried I will misunderstand things, but I’ve let him know that I’m completely aware of where we stand and won’t misunderstand anything, so I’ll be going there tonight.
Basically this is game over.
I really don’t know how I feel. Part of me feels like my soul has died along with the spark in his eyes. All I can do now is to be friendly, so that he might have some positive memories of me looking back later on.
How are you all?
Aphrodite out.
aphrodite, thanks for the update! i was wondering how you were doing over there. im sorry to hear that things worked out this way for you. it must be very difficult to be with him this week and be able to see that look in his eyes. im happy you are on good terms though and he doesnt think negatively about you or your relationship. as hard as it is to admit, maybe this can be good closure for you? i stand by what I’ve said all along that i think its easier to walk away knowing you’ve tried all you can which you absolutely have. and im happy he at least invited you to stay with him this week.
i hope you are doing ok. i know it must be very painful what your going through. feel free to vent anytime and i am thinking of you!!
everything with me is good. nothing new to report at all. currently at exactly 5 weeks nc with my ex. its sad but im confident its the right decision for right now. i seem to be getting happier overall even though i still have the occasional bad day, now im able to be happier about other things in my life and don’t think about him 24/7, but still pretty often! time will tell what will happen. im anxious for another 7 weeks from now when i can expect contact from him. we will see!
So I need help on what to do, I’ve started the NC period, problem is my ex has a birthday coming up which will fall 2 weeks before my NC period ends, what do I do if he invites me to his party?? Do I message him on his birthday?? Plz help
Aphrodite,
It’s good you got answers. It’s good you were strong enough to go there and talk to him. I’m sorry the spark isn’t there anymore. At least you know now from looking at him eye to eye how he feels. After sharing so much with someone for those years I’m sure it was very tough. Hopefully this experience gave you closure to not worry about how he feels but just totally focus on yourself. I guess move on in life. I agree with Atea you can feel good about doing everything you could to get answers and tried as hard as possible. I’m haopy he is open to you spending time with him even if it is only for a few more days. Feel free to vent and I will try to help as much as possible. Hopefully many smiles will be coming your way in the next for months!
I’m doing fine, same as usual. I had a nice birthday weekend. Work has been busy and I’m learning a lot since I’m in a completely new field. This new girl I met is done and I won’t pursue that anymore…o well. My game plan is to reach out mid next week and try to see my ex that weekend. It’s come to the time to see why she continues to text me and inquire about my life. I need answers and need to ask the tough questions. I can’t just be her friend and continue this pattern any longer. I don’t know why she feels it’s necessary to still reach out but need to find out where her head and heart is after all these months. Still hearing from her is holding me back in really moving forward.
Belle and Atea,
Hope all is well!
Hi atea and Mike,
Thought I’d check in and see how you’re both doing.
Nothing to report except I’ve not heard from my ex, I’ve managed 30 days and shall keep going. I don’t want to contact him because it brings too much heart ache. Everyone says he will contact me but I really don’t think he will. I think he has so many demons that if one thing won’t stop him contacting me another thing will.
I’m def not ever going to contact him again. Way way too painful.
Life is plodding along. Am very lonely but least I’m not obsessing over him anymore.How are you doing?
Figured I should give an update as well!
Also wondering how the rest of you are doing, atea, mike, unimare?
I’ve came back home yesterday, and I suppose whether or not he reaches out to me now will tell the tale of whether me coming over has had an impact or not. I think I may have stayed there a bit too long as I found myself getting very emotionally attached again.
We had a great time (at least I think we did!) even though it was quite difficult at times. Generally I was really happy to be in his company again, and for the most part he did seem happy to be around me as well (though I don’t know if he was just being nice). I was really happy being over for the majority but had bouts of short and extreme depression where I just wanted a car to hit me at times where he was acting cold! Then I would feel really happy again once he showed me affection.
I so wish I could have stayed forever! Haha… the second my plane landed I thought to myself “Can I go back again now?”.
I think in his eyes I’m the mundane, what he knows he can have whenever he wants. I’m not new and exciting – and he wants to explore his options. I really wish I could blow his mind by impressing him, but I’m just not there and don’t really have an impressing new life to show off right now!All in all though, the surprise went completely according to plan which I’m very happy for! I managed to show him that I’m no longer as emotional as I was (shhhh!), and that I’m no longer angry with him for how he treated me towards the end. I tried to act as cool as I could, which has helped in making me feel less humiliated about it all.
I’m in a place of knowing that I have to move on, yet having no idea how that would be even remotely possible after all the years together and the imprint that has had on my entire life. I changed the course of my life for this man. He makes me so ridiculously happy when i’m with him and he’s attentive towards me! I just have to trust that if there exists a god or divine purpose – that this is a hidden stepping stone to more blessings and happiness than I could have imagined. This is the beginning of some major changes in my life that stretch far beyond what I’ve talked about on this forum. I’ve always relied too much on other people – and it’s time that I become my own safe harbour and dare to step out into the world a little more than I have before, and face my fears.
I still struggle to accept that he has let me go – but I will have to try to move on even though I can’t quite accept things. I still cry all the time, but I take deep breaths and know that there is only one thing to do… move forwards. I did what I could to impress him with what I had, so at least I won’t have to regret not trying!Thank you all for the feedback and comments! I love you guys, really! Hope you are all doing well! Next weekend I’m going on a date with the hunk – and I think it’s actually happening this time around! x
hi everyone! a couple minor updates on my end. i hadn’t spoken to my ex in 7 weeks and last saturday night i drunk texted him telling i missed him. he answered sunday night and was incredibly cold and awkward towards me. he was nice but very stiff and formal and thats something i just wasn’t really used to since he previously had always seemed happy to hear from me. i basically poured my heart out (once again), telling him im doing well and starting to move on but a part of me really can’t let him go and that i do miss him and hope we can catch up soon. he was pretty cold again just saying yes we can and he hopes all is well. it was eating me up all week so i texted him this morning and flat out asked him why he was so cold.
his response to me was basically that he’s still with the same girl he’s been with for the past couple of months – that he’s trying not to have things be too serious but they’re definitely “exclusively” seeing each other and so he didnt want to lead me on in any way and didnt know how to act around me and what he should or shouldn’t say. i asked him some tough questions – if he sees this being permanent, if he thinks this other girl is a fling, etc. and he told me that he can’t go into anything with her or with any other girl with the mindset that it wont last because its not fair to anyone involved and he once again reminded me that he has no idea what the future holds and can’t predict how he will feel after a certain amount of time but for now he still feels he needs to “explore other paths” and i always deserve his respect and he owes it to me to keep an open and honest dialogue and wants to communicate and told me about 100 times to please reach out whenever and he’s always happy to discuss things. he did say he would be “in touch” about getting together for lunch or dinner or something to catch up in the next few weeks but we will see if he initiates. i told him im leaving the ball in his court to act how he feels appropriate based on his circumstance.
in short, the situation hasn’t changed since day 1. my 7 weeks of nc did not make him reconsider anything. i don’t plan on reaching out just because its too hard for me right now. i feel i left things wide open for him to contact me if he wants to see each other or talk. i really don’t know what to think at this point. i think im getting stronger and am happier overall but i just can’t get it out of my head that he’ll be back and i can’t accept this is permanent and its something i need to do. i just need to start beginning to figure out how.
hope you are all doing ok!!
Well, it seems we are all in the same situation as before, I wonder how Mike is doing.
I think anything to have learnt by this time that has gone by that we all need to focus on moving on. As Aphrodite said that it can be very painful thinking about permanently leaving our ex’s in the past but to more think of moving on forwardly in our lives. We do not need to be aggressive in our action of moving on but just live life the best we can and be positive for our futures.It will be a matter of time and before you know it someone will come along that interests us and will be nice to start thinking about that person rather than thinking about people who just don’t want to be part of our lives at the moment.
Atea, it must have been hard for you when your ex had been cold towards you. I don’t know what’s better for them to be cold or show some kind of care and feeling. I think the latter is worse in the long term and maybe that’s why im where I am now because my ex has been particularly hard and uncaring in every way feisable so my current thought is that I just can’t beleive I was with someone who could treat me this way.
I’ve finally completed 30 days and this is the first time I’ve managed it, with ease may I add! He could not be thinking about me at all or I could be playing on his mind. However, that’s not on my concern right now! I’m moving forward in my own life and that’s what’s important. I did have a missed call the other day for a withheld number which made mem think but in reality it could have been anyone so won’t pin hopes.Aphrodite, I kmow you feel you’ve gone backwards but we need to go back to go forward again. He has mixed feelings towards you and he’s been push pulling you! The last few weeks have been draining and you need time to get back to where you were. Get back on your feet and push forward, nobody wants push pull. He needs to work out what he wants but while doing so he’s hurting you by being thoughtful and respectful then blanking you. Re build yourself Aphrodite, become strong again and enjoy some attention from Mr Hunk! He’s a distraction and it’s time you need to put yourself first!
I had a nice texting session with two guys at the same time last night, my old ex D and a new guy from Tinder. It was funny because I was conscience that I might get messages muddled and send to the wrong person! Haha.
D really wants to hook up again and the new guy wants to meet me. Great confidence boost.Atea how’s the dating going, are you still seeing the same guy?
belle, it was really strange. he was really cold to me last week when i reached out so i texted him yesterday asking why. i wouldnt say he was cold yesterday – its definitely just a weird situation. he told me to keep reaching out whenever and he owes it to me to keep an open and honest dialogue but he definitely was not as friendly as he was in the past. he wasn’t rude or nasty he just seemed like he was trying to be very neutral and politically correct in a way. his responses came off almost as robotic – like he said everything he’s “supposed to”. i know he’s seeing someone and i didnt want to put him in an uncomfortable situation with her either. he was just very vague about how he’s feeling overall which i guess in a way he has been all along. i know he thinks were very young and should both be dating others right now. its the same thing he’s said from day 1. but like I’ve said we had a great relationship and a clean breakup so i don’t think he will ever tell me its done for good. he will always leave the door cracked open and it will be my job to close it eventually.
i felt very thrown off from our conversation. i honestly did think so many weeks of nc would make him reconsider if he was ok not having me in his life but i think he is determined to date other girls regardless of if i reach out to him or not. if we do reconcile, i think it will be a year or two from now which i think is more along the lines of what he’s thinking. i need to shut out the last bit of hope in my mind though. i completed the 7 weeks nc and was feeling so much better and felt awful after i reached out. it feels weird to know he’s seeing the same girl still after all this time. he did tell me he would be in touch over the next few weeks about catching up and getting together so i will see if he initiates that but i definitely will not. i wish i would just meet someone to make me forget all about him honestly.
i think im still really struggling over the fact that he wants this time away from me. i know what we had and i know how special it was and we had this goofy side of our relationship that i know is hard to find. i know he has all the same memories as me and he knows how well we worked together so i guess im still really in shock this is what he wants, even after 6 months. i thought for sure he would’ve been back already. im going to wait to see if he reaches out to get together in the next few weeks and if he doesnt i think by beginning of may i will send him a closure letter. i just feel like i can’t live my life in limbo. i know i just need to cut contact indefinitely but it really stings. nothing is worse than losing a best friend.
my dating life is nonexistent at the moment! im not seeing that guy anymore – it just kind of fizzled out. i haven’t really felt so ready to date i guess. i know i need to get back out there but im just starting to feel kind of ok on my own and just didnt really want to rock the boat. the last two flings I’ve had just kind of made me miss my ex more.
im sorry for the way your ex treated you at the end. its really mind boggling to me how people we loved so much can turn into strangers. it must hurt a lot. im proud of you for getting through 30 days nc though – i think the initial month is the hardest. i hope all good things come out of this for all of us. its just really hard to extinguish that last dwindling of hope. i feel torn because on one hand i know how special it was what we had, how hard it will be for him to replicate and i have a gut feeling this isn’t the end and he will be back, but on the other hand im not sure if that feeling means anything or is just stupidity and stubbornness. like you said we just have to keep living life one day at a time and let things happen naturally.
aphrodite, im glad you went to see him. im sure it must be painful coming back and not knowing if he will contact you or if/when you’ll see him again but im glad you gave it your all and can walk away leaving it peacefully and let go with love. you truly did all you could do and i know you will be a breakup warrior and get through this. like you, im hoping theres a great reason this has happened to me because I’ve yet to see one 6 months later.
mike and i have been emailing! ill let him say his piece but no real change in any of our situations it seems. both of you feel free to email me anytime 🙂 my family and friends are done discussing this so i try not to talk about it anymore but it feels good to let things out occasionally!
Hello all,
No update on anything for me really. I’m just content living life everyday. Iv been really busy with my new job. Long days, followed by doing training online when I come home. I usually then go out to get something to eat either solo or with friends.
Only semi thing was my parents randomly ran into my ex and her mom out shopping. Her dad was there but at a different store. My dad recognized her and said hello and put out his hand but she gave him a big hug. My parents and her parents only met a few times over our years. Not sure why really. Her mom asked how my new job was and all, so I guess my ex told her about it. My mom said he’s doing great, my ex and her mom said well I’m not surprised he’s really great with people. My parents said she and her mom kept talking and seemed really happy to see them. In usual my ex fashion she had to use the word overwhelmed a lot. Talking about work and getting the new house and all. My mom said it seems she spends a lot of time with her parents from what she was saying. My mom said she had to end the conversation to finish her shopping and my ex said please tell michael I said hello and then gave them both hugs departing. My mom said it was kind of weird how much my ex was talking and gave me some compliments.
I’m happy you found some peace belle and seem to be doing well.
Aphrodite I think it was good you gave it a strong effort by going to see him. It seems like overall the experience was good and you have the answers you were looking forward.
Yea Atea and I have been exchanging emails and been catching up.
Hi, I’m glad you’re all doing well.
Atea, it would drive me in sane knowing he had someone else. You clearly have such a bond with your ex that you’re going to hang in there no matter what!Mike, it’s good your busy with new job and training. I think keeping busy is the way to go. The meeting of families whilst shopping was good. No hard feelings and obviously much respect for you. Your ex is so kind hearted it seems.
It’s funny how all our stories are so different! I’m surprised not one of us has reconciled, probably not what other people on here want to hear that’s for sure!
Still, I think it’s early days and anything could happen except I’m leaning more and more opting. Otmtomget back with my ex has he’s been really hateful and now I’ve got this far down the road and feeling more at peace that why would I want to be with someone that has so many issues and he’s destroyed every ounce of trust I had.I’ve been chatting to a guy off Tinder and really hitting it off so will meet him this week hopefully. I’m also starting a new job today! Whoahhh! Bit nervous but am excited too. It’s all new beginnings here and as long as I don’t contact my ex then new doors will open. I’m fully focused on forward thinking. Don’t get me wrong I still think of my ex a lot but it’s more of how he threw away something so great because of his own demons, how he’s just cut me off and more so, how my son who regards his as dad no longer hears from him. I can’t beleive I put so much trust in this guy with my son. Anyway, he’s history and better times lay ahead for both my son and I!
Aphrodite, it was so nice of you to ask about me! I always felt a bit left out of the core group, so it’s nice of you to think of me still..
I’m actually doing really bad at the moment. Unrelated to the ex. I had been seeing this guy I had been to uni with and we’d always been a bit flirty, but the timing was never right, so we went on a couple of dates over the last couple months and it was nice and I was starting to care for him and everything else was looking up as well and I was in great spirits. And then he invited me over this weekend (he lives in a different town) and we slept together for the first time, and like.. immediately after that he went completely cold and acted awkward and I slept in the guest room and he barely said goodbye to me in the morning.. I know this is something that guys do, but I might expect that from a random club hook up, not someone I know, have friends in common with, someone who seemed to take a sincere interest in me. He hasn’t even said sorry. I don’t know why, but this completely broke me.. No one has ever treated me with such disrespect and I just didn’t see it coming and it was the first time I started to feel something for someone else and opened up to him, and I just feel completely used and worthless and like I will never let anyone close to me again.. I had a really hard time even getting out of bed this morning and I’ve been crying non-stop.. I know I’m overreacting probably, but I don’t think I should feel guilty for my feelings. I was vulnerable and being treated like that just.. broke me. I’m sorry for venting that here, but I just really needed to get all that out.
On a more positive note, I’ve been in contact with the ex and we’re having lunch and might give the friends thing a try, because I don’t have any romantic feelings for him anymore, and I could really use a friend right now.
I’m happy you’re all doing well.
Aphrodite, I’m glad you had this opportunity to spend some time with your ex. Usually a break up happens so quickly and suddenly, we feel like there’s so much that still needed to be said, or done, or taken in properly for the last time.. so I’m glad you had that opportunity. Whether or not that means anything for you two in the long run.
Atea, I’m sorry your ex was cold to you, but really this was to be expected and honestly you’re better off not contacting him at all. And by this time, you have every reason to at least try to move on yourself. None of us know what the future holds, but it’s pointless to hang on to people that don’t want you to.
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