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@bmob7795 could you please add a link to which topic you want me to comment on? 🙂
I’m getting a feeling that you are someone who finds it hard to take constructive criticism. As if, upon criticism hitting you, you put up a stone wall against it because you don’t want to think it through or internalise anything, like it is a threat to your being. Criticism can actually be extremely helpful, because it is other people pointing out their subjective opinion of you, how you’re coming across. It we give ourselves the permission and time to think about it rather than push it away immediately, we can grow so much as human beings! Perhaps you had a hard time being criticised a lot when you were younger? I really think it’s important for you to take some time to think about what Belle and unimare have said to you, and realise it is NOT meant in a bad way. I personally love being given constructive criticism because it gives me the opportunity to have insight into how i’m coming across so that I can change myself for the better!
I am also picking up on a rigidity in you, where you may be quite judgemental. They say the most judgemental people are those who judge themselves, so perhaps you need to forgive or accept yourself for something? Sure looking at ourselves and what we have done or may be doing wrong hurts a lot! But it’s good because it can renew us so that we become better people. Please let me know if you think I’m wrong about this!
Everyone deserves respect, and girls that have one night stands are no more slappers than the men they’re sleeping with. Sometimes you get what you project out into the world!@unimare, thanks for the tip. i ate nothing yesterday so going to try to force myself for a smoothie today. i will exercise in a little bit and later going to watch a tv show and take a sleeping pill before i go to sleep. its amazing how much progress you’ve made!! any secrets for how you’ve gotten it done?
Hey mike, let’s discuss becaue this could get out of hand and misconstrude!
I’d just like to clarify that I didn’t say to you mike that you disrespected women. You may have read it that way and I apologise if it sounded like I was. Not the case at all.I just wanted you to maybe view life a little different. Like the rest of us you’ve some issues and now is a great time to reflect on ourselves and address maybe behaviour we have shown and the way we think might be inflexible.
You have already mentioned you’ve some issues and that’s great that you can acknowledge it, the battle is almost done once we recognise our mistakes. Whether it’s the way we talk to people, or what we expect from people.
Our expectations in life is high that is why we’ve all ended up here, all forlorn and sad.I guess Unimare was more frank and honest with her feelings towards your behaviour.
For us women, if we go through a bad patch and release that through casual encounters then we are called a whole heap of names while if a man does it he’s not only glorified but it gives him the entitlement to belittle the woman.I just wanted to try and articulate across that sometimes out behaviour has a direct influence on other people’s behaviour.
Unimare
Yes anger is a good emotion in times like this. I hate my ex for his pathetic approach to me. Like you, it keeps me going. More fool him and he will realise what the hell he’s done. Not sure he will ever be able to swing me round again to wanting to be with him but quiet honestly he’s a jerk.
My way forward is totally 100% cut him out my life. The least I know about him the better! I still love him but really, where the hell is that going to get me… Red puffy eyes!Yes, I definitely want to apologize to @mike2014 if I came across as too harsh, Belle and atea seem to have a better way with words, hehe. I’m just really sensitive to that kind of double standard approach to men and women and their sexual habits. A woman looking for casual sex or that sleeps with a guy on the first date doesn’t necessarily deserve any less respect than a woman that waits or plays hard to get or whatnot. If people want to judge based on that, then the same criteria should apply to men as well! I think there are men out there that purposefully treat women badly and take pride in that, and also women that only respond to people that treat them badly. And I think they are equally wounded in some way and should deal with their issues and not inflict more pain on others around them. That’s all.
@atea1234 Thanks for saying that! It definitely doesn’t always feel like I’ve made progress, but I think it’s mostly been the NC that has helped me (31 days today). It’s easier not to stress so much, when I don’t have to over analyse what he’s said to me, or hear about him going to parties and worry about the girls he’s met etc etc. And really, it’s easier to let go of someone who had no difficulties letting go of you. And looking back, I’ve noticed several patterns in his behaviour that match his previous relationship, and I can just tell that this is what he does, I was in no way special to him, I put a lot more effort into our relationship than he did, and altogether I’ve just realized that his feelings for me weren’t as real and deep as I thought. And I know with my rational self that he wasn’t right for me. So all these things have helped rather than anything I’ve actually done. I’m still having difficulty with the bruised ego part – aka I know why he wasn’t right for me, but I don’t understand why he didn’t think I was right for him, lol, or how on earth can he move on so easily/quickly?! But it’s out of my hands, so it’s getting easier by the day not thinking about that. And like Belle said, anger helps!Morning atea, how are you today?
I just want to share with you a technique I’m using that might help, it’s very personalised so I appreciate if you don’t get it.
I’ve imagined this box with a key, inside the box is everything associated with my ex. I’ve chosen to put all that sadness, anger, hurt into the box. It’s sitting there at the side of my life and I’ve turned my back on it. It’s still there but it’s not part of my day to day life.
When I chose to open the box which really I’ve not had the need of late, but no doubt may as some point I can selected when I feel ready to look inside the box.
Because of everything that’s it in the box I feel that it’s ok to be happy and not think about him much because it’s still all there but on my terms for when I want it or or not.I feel happy to move on with my box for now. One day the box might become smaller and smaller and even become empty again but for now it’s ok because all,the memories, hurt, tears are all still there but they don’t burden so much.
Atea, no matter what people say to you or tell you to pull yourself together it’s you that has to get through this. He’s a jerk, he’s stupid… Put him in the box with all the other emotions and lock it tight. Put it outside tonight for the frost to get and bring it back in the morning. You might warn to leave it out there till lunch time even. When you bring it back in, unlock the box and let him make you sad again…. It’s always your choice to turn that key.
It might all sound daft to you…. How ever you deal with it it’s you that has to find that way. Maybe your way might be totally different to me but if it works that’s great.
Hugs all round!
Unimare
I think it’s great we can all express ourselves here and it’s good to hear your strong opinion.
Maybe mike2014 will appreciate your thoughts as it’s in an invaluable womens approach on this subject.
I would be open to hear a guys point of view on this too.
Woman often get the raw end of the deal, and it can create anger but how does a man see it?@belle, i like that suggestion a lot! i think i will try it. i need to somehow compartmentalize and not let him interfere with all aspects of my other life. i have my own friends, family, school, etc. all away from him. i should not let him take over my life. he is on my mind 24/7. does anyone else have this problem? what do you do for it? i like the idea of the box and i will try it!
i wish i could be an angrier person – for some reason i never get angry at anyone! i think if i could be angrier at my ex it would be easier. when i look at the big picture though i have to say i do understand my ex and thats what makes it hard. i am heart broken and sad and angry that he doesnt want to be with me NOW but i also can’t hate him for really wanting to get these feelings and thoughts taken care of now at this age. if he truly knew he could never go through life not experiencing others i need to look at the big picture and be thankful that he is doing this now and not years from now after calling off an engagement or marrying me only to cheat or divorce. i keep telling myself this will probably be one of the hardest years of my life but day by day, slowly by surely i WILL get through this. this has to be a win-win for me. either i will move on and meet someone else wonderful or my ex will return with no doubts and a strong sense of commitment to me. i am still unable to give up hope that none of these other girls will be me and he will begin to appreciate me more and want to return. i somehow need to shut that part of my brain off and tell myself he wont be back. it just seems more bearable to keep the hope alive that he may in fact after all this pain and heart break return to me. but i don’t want to check in with him anymore. i need to be indefinite nc and worry abut my own life and try to move on. he will contact me if/when he feels ready to discuss this. one day at a time and need to put one foot in front of the other. I’m so envoys @belle of how much progress you’ve been able to make in just one weekAtea, you will get there in the end but it doesn’t help that you can’t get angry. I guess I’ve got more reason to be angry and so i can channel it positively to get him out from under my skin!
I’ve just answered the phone to a company that my ex had contacted for tickets for some war time event coming up that my son wanted to go to.
I’ve bought the tickets and immediately wanted to contact the ex about it. Then I thought what the hell… Get back in the box! Lol@belle, definitely i think part of it is my personality but another part of me seriously can’t blame my ex for this. in the long run i will benefit. either he will come back to me and be certain of our relationship or he wont and i will move on and meet someone who loves and appreciates me to the fullest extent. i just need to get through these really tough days right now. this was a setback for sure but in a twisted way i think its what needs to happen for me to move forward either way eventually.
ugh that must be such a frustrating phone call to receive! I’m glad you didn’t text him! its the happy things that are hardest not to be able to share i think. are you finding nc easier now?Iv been criticized my whole life as an athlete. Iv been yelled out by coaches since I was young, I don’t mind people telling me what I did wrong. I’m harder on myself than anyone can be on me. In my last post I even admitted to my faults. I know exactly who I am. I use the term slapper as a joke. I think it’s funny. I wouldn’t say I’m a ladies man in any sense of the word. I try to meet girls and such, but the few I have hooked up with came after giving my number and then hanging out a deferent night. I don’t call them names and such. I’m not openly rude to them. I’m upfront and honest about not being sure about a relationship right now. Like last Friday when I didn’t feel like things were going well, I removed myself from the situation a bit after and explained after the movie was over I was tired and was going to leave. She texted me the next day and said I guess your intention was to not come over and hook up with me. I responded no it wasn’t and i don’t feel like I have off that impression. She responded most definitely you didn’t. If their is a girl I feel it’s not going to work out, I just don’t reach back out. I will be cordial with them. I’m not some kind of monster or openly verbally derogatory to them. I just won’t reach out.
I work in a service industry. I am polite to people all day. I just have a demeanor at times of being angry. I think it’s because I’m always in thought in my own head and not because I’m mad always. Most people don’t get the impression of me being a cold person at all.
I have my days when I’m moody. I have always been like this. I work on always. I did have a negative outlook on such things. Iv been a lot better lately.
@mike2014, i have actually found you to come across as very caring. and i feel you’ve handled your break up with a lot of maturity. i also really appreciate how blunt you are a lot of the time – sometimes its better than sugar coating. i tend to have a happy outlook on things but sometimes (like in this breakup) I’ve actually found this to be a curse as well. sometimes i wish i could be angrier.
hello everyone,
another very rough day for me here today. can’t escape thoughts of my ex with this new girl. it makes me sick. I’m back to the early days of not eating and sleeping. hope youre all feeling better than me! i need to somehow pull myself out of this funk@atea1234 i am really sorry you are feeling that way. Did your night out go any good? to get your mind off things?
Atea,
I beleive you are proof that waiting any amount of time for our ex is a BAD idea!
It give false hope.
Aphrodite, myself and you have all done it and we’ve all ended back at square one. We need to accept the relationship is over, it’s the only way forward. Cut all ties and move on. If they so happen to make contact in that time then we cross that bridge when we come to it, but in mean time we should all think about new lives away from our ex’s.
If let’s say you “checked in” come May, you would wait all that time in anticipation not able to move on. I would do the same as would Aphrodite. But the cold light of day what exactly does that achieve? It prolongs this process, that’s all.
I too could sit here and go right, another 30 days or 60, I would be living my life to that time scale. It’s a long time! The fact is, unless they reach out then we can forget it. They’ve made that decision not to be with us and no amount of time followed by a call or text from us is going to change their minds! It had to be their choice in their time, if ever. So, if we think negatively then we can’t be disappointed. If we think positively and hopeful we end up back at square one.You will get over this hic up quicker than before and you will start to accept you need to move on.
Cut all ties so you know nothing. By knowing what he’s doing is going to make you crazy. If it’s any consolation the chances this girl working out is slim. Don’t worry yourself over it. The first girl he meets is not going to be the love of his life, not straight after you! So don’t let it get to you. Learn but the mistake you made and the consequences.Today, spend 10 mins or so actively not thinking about it all, watch tv that will distract you or a anything you can think of that will stop the mind thinking about it all. Every day increase this amount even just by a few mins.
You will soon realise you don’t have to be thinking about him every minute of the day.You will get through this!
@belle,
thank you. i agree, i need to be done. there is nothing else to be said or done unless he makes contact and has something to say to me and if that happens i will deal with it at the time. i need to somehow stop obsessing over him and this new girl. i feel like someone has punched me in the gut and i have this knot in my stomach that simply wont go away. do you have any idea how to force myself to think of something else? i am absolutely cutting all ties with him. It is bad for my mental state and wellbeing to continue to talk to him. he feeds me all kinds of garbage and its been really detrimental to me. i have learned my mistake – i never ever want to know again who is he dating or not dating. its completely taken the focus away from my own life and put it onto his. i need to try to train my brain to not think about him. I’m going to try to relax and watch a tv show. i think i actively need to try to move on and distract myself rather than wallow and feel sorry for myself. i need to be patient and let time pass and do its job. i just feel so broken up and so lost this week
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