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Haha @Belle you’re hilarious!! 😀
I think the ice age moves quicker too!
And I’m fearing my ex moving on in warp speed.I understand you were too angry at the time to take him back! I was also too angry at my ex to behave in an attractive way towards the end.
Thing is, if he loved you that much then – it’s not just going suddenly disappear! You know this! He’s mad because he’s hurt, he’s hurt because he loves you.You don’t know what your ex is thinking. For all we know he could be missing you tremendously and not thinking “well rid” but his pride gets in the way of contacting you.
I’m so sorry the date made you miss him this much. I thought it would be a safe one because D is your ex and not a new guy.And you saying D really liking you makes it worse? Come on now! What would be worse was if he didn’t, and he rejected you on the date! 🙂 This shows you that you have a power over the men in your life! Like your D, your ex isn’t going to forget or stop loving you!
Yeah I miss it all too… The cuddles, the hand holding, everything. But somehow I just know I will experience it again, and I’m just being impatient.
I think the same holds true for you!!I completely agree that I’ll be single for years also (unless we get back together!). I’m genuinely envisioning a situation where I’m having to freeze my eggs or adopt on my own because nobody will match my ex – if we don’t reconcile. I wanted to have his kids. In stead I may end up with 18 cats.
And I definitely know what you mean about weird traits or tiny things that put you off. The irony is that our exes both have things like this that would put off another dumpee. We’re viewing our exes through rose tinted glasses, and we associate everything about them with the good memories. In a sense, we’re *brainwashed* to view them as the be all and end all of males, so anyone that isn’t them just won’t be good enough right now. I think that changes with time though, and when we feel more ready to step out and date new people. Do you remember how you got over D?
I know how you feel about wanting to know the future. Thing is though, if you did, live wouldn’t be as interesting. Maybe read your horoscope if it helps? I’m still waiting for my supposed big surprise at the end of the month.
I wish I knew what my ex was thinking too. Everyone in NC does. This is a big challenge, no doubt about it!!! But we’ve accepted the challenge and we are gonna see it through. What you ex is thinking, really, does not concern you, what should concern you is you feeling better with whatever means you have available to you now! It’s only gonna drive you nuts thinking about what he’s thinking! Try to limit it if you can. LET IT GOOOO. listen to the song if you must. Relax your shoulders, let go, and brush it off.You rejected him, then you begged and pleaded. He begged and pleaded, then he rejected you. I broke up with my ex a few years ago and regretted it after three days. He got so insulted that he wouldn’t see me for a couple months, but when he saw me in person, I could tell he fell in love all over again and he said he had been a bloody fool for not letting me take him back.
You will see your ex again, and when you do, this could happen! So right now: leave that mental space in your head that’s grinding on about what he’s doing and thinking, and get back into your own reality, the right here and right now. Dishes need doing? Put on some music? x
I hope I didnt seem harsh there! I’m struggling with the same! Having to actively divert my mind from the default that is wondering what he’s thinking… It’s a constant struggle I often loose
You guys are saviours…. Without you too I’d be down the drain washed up on some beach in a complete mess. Instead I’m just a mess…haha.
Everything you say is spot on Aphrodite. All this bloody thinking all the time sends you into a spasium where you concentrate on the rejection and not the future. You’re right, he will contact me, as will all our ex’s. And you’re dead right about D too. That would have been the pits if he did t like me! Haha. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound! I should not be whinging!That’s interesting Aphrodite about your ex not wanting to see you for a couple of months! How did you handle it at the time? How different was it to now?
I’ve already heard off D wanting to meet again! Oh god. Lol. I explained last night that I’m in a stage where I’m concentrating on LOA and much self reflection, needing time alone to become happy rather than jump into something and start co depending again. When I got home he said how different we are now and how we may have rushed things before. He’s not going to give up is he this guy!
So this morning he text to say what a lovely day it is today great for a walk but shame he’s working otherwise we could have met up!
He’s definatly chasing me. You see, ex’s do come back! Haha. Just in my cast 8 yrs too late! Haha
Aphrodite, I never really got over him,he was always at the back of my mind. I immersed my self with current ex and slowly D became smaller and smaller in my head. The fact he would occasionally get in touch kept him alive and I guess current ex and his trust issues couldn’t handle the way I dealt with it. Ex would feel he was second fiddle to this guy that I never got over. That’s not the case but I’ve learnt now that you can’t keep in touch with ex’s if you move on and meet someone else. I wish my ex saw the abandonment fear I had and how it effected our relationship as his trust issues. Combined was a time bomb waiting to go off!Aphrodite,
Don’t think about freezing eggs or cats! Lol. You’re not even 30! If you get to 35 yes that would give me concern but not now!
All of us can attract men and have long term relationships,we’ve proved that.
We first of all need to do this reconciliation thing before thinking about other men so let’s concentrate on that first!Blessed to have met you two!:-D xx
Me too, I don’t know what I would be doing if I hadn’t found this site!
Yes, our exes will contact us and we will see them again! And by that time we will have levelled up lots!
It was a few years ago when we last broke up. I broke up due to having intense negative emotions about him that had been built up from hurt he had caused. I even remember saying “no there is nothing you can do, it’s over”. But once I had broken up, all my anger disappeared, and I wanted him back almost straight away. Really I just needed to vent to him and I would have been fine.
During that time we were still talking pretty much as usual. He said he wanted to take things slow as he was very hurt from the break up, and I was pleading to come see him, but he wasn’t ready. Finally he let me, and at that moment I saw him I could tell he fell in love again. He told me later on that he was delaying seeing me because he wanted to wait until he was more “upgraded”. At that point he knew I wanted him back so he could take his time. So I guess me breaking up with him hurt his ego and he didn’t feel secure in that I would truly want him back for good unless he had made changes in his life. Maybe your ex feels a similar way.
So the phone calls didn’t do much but when I saw him in person, I got him back.
It’s so funny how D really wants you back and is chasing you now! Yep he is definitely chasing! Couldn’t even wait a day to text you again:) And to think he was your worst heartache!
Yep staying in touch with an old ex you still have feelings for is entirely understandable but not a good idea if you’re wanting to move on. You’re saying your ex felt like he was the silver medal and D was gold… Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to tell your ex later that D was chasing you and you didn’t want anything to do with him at all? For now though I think your ex is okay to worry a bit about what goes on in your life 😉
Remember you can talk about all that stuff, your abandonment issues etc., later! There will be time:)
Haha… Well I spent the last 10 years with the love of my life. I can’t imagine building a bond like that with anyone else, and to surpass it I would have to first find someone I can love equally or more, then build a bond over years – in order to get to a point of wanting to have a child with them. I’ll be 100 by that time!!! I should start saving for egg freezing lol.
Really I have to start worrying less about this. Yes, let’s concentrate on one thing at a time! First NC, then reconciliation options. No worrying about having to freeze eggs yet.
If he had broken up a few years ago I would have had more bounce-back ability, but I’m
now at a stage where all I want is a husband and kids soon! And NOW I’m single. Now that I couldn’t be less interested in being wild and free.Sometimes I’m still in complete disbelief. How is it possible he loved me all those years and doesn’t want me anymore, took me out with the trash? How can he not want what we had? How can he say he never wants it again?! *sigh*
I can understand your fear of being alone at this age but seriously it could be worse! If you were 36-37 then that’s bad time to be single and childless!
Seriously, you’ve got lots of time. I do understand you’re fear as it’s the unknown And what lies ahead.
I’m a little ahead of you in that one and have 2 sons, so I do t have to worry what you’re worrying about but I do worry about being on my own. I worry about my future a lot and all I want and probably the first time in my life is security. I want to be with someone that will be my rock. I’m trying not to worry about it too much as clearly I’m attractive enough to get a man but as we’ve said before it’s not the meeting men or the attraction we hold it’s the compatibility we want with someone.Again, I feel exactly the same about how can he not want me anymore, or more so the connection. How can he not want the special times we had which were that special!? It’s like to them it was all meaningless but it’s not because they are men and there feelings and ego have been hurt and I think because we’ve had that special bond is what will make them come back.
Life with my ex had it’s ups and downs like all relationships and we often fell out but the end of the day it’s not like we don’t find each other attractive. That is still there, as is having the jokes and real fun times. It’s all still there. It’s just like with you it got toxic and bad. For them and us we need time to reevaluate the situation and once their egos have been healed and anger has gone they will remember the special people we are and to what made them attracted to us in the first place. I can’t see if my ex will really walk away from me for life. If he does then he’s in a really bad place and really doesn’t like even spending 5 mins with me. Then I will have to accept my fate and either be single or date men with strange traits! Haha.Another day NC! We are doing well!
hi @belle and @aphrodite, lots to catch up on this morning!
@belle, i think its completely normal to feel a small setback after your date. it made you really miss your ex and i think thats such an appropriate response. i know the thought of your ex going on a date is probably unbearable but, maybe if in some time he feels ready and goes out on a date or two himself he will realize the same thing, that no one compares to you!! i know nc feels like it is passing slowly but whenever you think of how long you have to go, remember how far you’ve already been! you’re 1/9 of the way to completing it!! not bad. you can easily get through the rest of the time. the beginning is the hardest. when you picture how long you still have to go just try to picture how rewarding it will be to see and talk to your ex after all that time has passed. you can show him all your positive improvements and it will be a new, fresh and exciting start to be able to see him after all this time has passed. hang in there! everyone has those bad days, but you’re handling it so well! and i felt the exact same way right after my ex and i broke up – i started going on a bunch of dates to distract myself, look for a rebound, or almost try to replace him. ultimately i left each date feeling sadder and sadder for what i had lost. even though a lot of the guys expressed an interest in me, i just wasn’t ready. i felt kind of like i had to be going on those dates because my ex wanted to”experience other people” and i felt like i should be doing the same. in reality, i know in my heart if he comes back i will be thrilled to have him – i don’t feel the need to go through the motions of all these bad dates to convince myself of it. so for now I’ve decided to just work and focus on me. and again, since we’re nc, he has no idea whether or not i go on dates!
@aphrodite, you sound like you’re in much better spirits!! he definitely didn’t just get over you and rid of you like the trash! especially after 10 years together!! remember, all the happy times you are remembering and cherishing, he has those same memories as well. i really wouldn’t worry about him moving on yet. he needs to process the break up as well and I’m sure he is taking the time to do just that! remember that you will have the chance to tell him everything you’ve been feeing and explain why you acted the way you did. i don’t think it would have benefited you to beg or plead at all and i am almost jealous that you didn’t! i feel embarrassed for the way i behaved afterwards. I’m usually a very rational and understanding person but i went completely crazy. i needed to get at least a text a day from him so i knew i was somehow on his mind and i would ask him daily if he felt like enough time has passed. its funny i feel like I’m making no progress day to day but when i look back so how i was 2 or 3 months ago, i feel like a new person! i still love him and want him back more than anything but I’m so much better able to handle my emotions and i think i learned to respect his time and space if i want any chance of reconciling. it sounds like you behaved maturely after your break up. i know you acted cold but its understandable because you were hurt! you will have a chance to explain all of this to him one day – remember that!
as for reconciling, i am really beginning to think i don’t have much of a chance. i think both of you do. @belle, it seems your relationship ended over a silly misunderstanding and both of you begging and chasing and the other not giving in. i think some time apart will make you both realize how much you don’t want to lose each other. @aphrodite, you spent 10 years with this guy! and you’re both at an age I’m assuming that settling down is on both of your radars. i think with time he will realize how hard it is to find a connection like that with someone else. i also think how you mentioned he didn’t want to see you years ago when you broke up because of his bruised ego, speaks volumes. his ego is probably bruised again – after giving it some time to heal, i am certain he will reach out. as for my ex, he’s only 23. i think he wants lots and lots of time to be single, date other girls, explore the world on his own. i think I’m his backup option if all else fails. i don’t think hell be ready anytime soon and i don’t really think theres anything i can do. i still have hope – but today reality is sinking in i guess. anyway, sorry for the very long post!! hope you’re both surviving another day of nc effortlessly 🙂also both of your exes have told you the love is gone or they don’t want to reconcile, but i take that as a good sign because they are both clearly hurt and care. my ex still tells me he loves me, but doesnt want to commit…i think that could be a bad sign
Atea1234
It’s funny how we think because I think you’re the one that will reconcile.
We are all in the same boat, we are all suffering and non of us know what lies ahead. The positive for you is that you’re on speaking terms and he contActed you! Ok, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will definitely reconcile but it means there are no bad feelings or grudges. He will soon realise the grass is not greener on the other side! There is a lot to be said in knowing someone so well for so long. This goes for all three of us. That is what’s on our side. Ok, they could be bowled over and fall in love with someone, that does not mean it’s going to work out, it takes time for establishment of a relationship to take place and anything can happen at anytime, real personalities have to show etc. I’ve already said to my ex (in needy embarrassing stage) that it’s it better to work out our problems rather than go,separate ways, date people, start relationships after what could be years to find out you’re with a lunatic. By which time you’re another 3-4 yrs down the track and have to start all over.
There are so many people on this site from relationships of under a year and quite frankly our chances of reconciliation are ten fold compared to those! If you had to put money down on who was going to reconciliate us or them who would you choose.
We have history. All three of our men will soon realise the grass isn’t greater and apart from the downs of a relationship really were we that bad?
Your guy wants time,he’s young. Let him go and in the end he will come back a better person as you will too.
If my son was 23 and with a girl for 7 years, I would not think it was such a bad thing to have a break. He loves you but he needs to do this. Be patient Atea1234!thanks for your reply and it made me smile a little 🙂 i agree, i just worry how much time he needs. since he is only 23, do you think he will wait another 2 or 3 years until he feels more ready to “settle” down? he’s also told me he doesnt want another relationship right now, but I’m not sure he would get back with me if he hadn’t had another one because he does want “other experiences”. I’m really not sure. i wonder if it will just take him a few months of being single to realize the grass isn’t greener and its hard to find such a strong connection, or if he plans to only return to me years down the line. what do you think?
and i agree – with so much history we definitely all have more of a leg up to reconcile. i think this is because even after months of being separated we will still have strong feelings and so much history – as will our exes! we can all take the time to let the dust settle, improve ourselves, and then hopefully reconcile. i think couples who were together for a shorter amount of time don’t have the chance to take enough time off to improve themselves and strengthen the relationship. if they were nay together for a few months and then separated for a few months – it makes it more complicated. for us, if we are separated for even 8 months, this is nothing compared to 7 or 8 or 10 years!!Atea1234
Who knows what’s going on in your ex’s head! He’s male after all! Lol
The fact he made contact with you is great. It means he feels he can approach you anytime and you need to keep your head level for when he does that. Maybe next time he does it you won’t get so upset, hopefully not anyway!
In your case, he could do anything at any time,meh might get in touch tomorrow to reconcile or it maybe months down the road. It’s no difference to what Aphrodite and myself are in. It’s like it’s all in the lap of the Gods! Nobody can tell what’s going to Happen.
All we can do is improve ourselves. As for you, because you’re young I would suggest you do as many things as you can that might be out your comfort zone. To grow as in an individual is the richest thing you can do for yourself.
Prepare for next contact and be full of exciting news all about things that he thinks you would never do. You will appear like a new person to him and intriguing!Hey girls, can I join the discussion? 🙂 I’ve been binging on this forum and replying to people’s stories and it’s really helping! It makes me see my own problems much more clearly.
And I can relate to a lot of your stories! My bf is also 23 and broke up with me for RATIONAL reasons only (which upsets me a little, no one is that rational, to me that just sounds like his feelings weren’t strong enough). He says he doesn’t want to settle down until he’s like 30.. but I bet the next relationship he finds himself in (he’s a serial monogamist) will be the one. It’s just my luck.
Anyway, I’ve reached one week of NC and feeling proud! It annoys me a little bit that he hasn’t tried to contact me, since technically we’re still “staying friends”, but we had a big fight last time we met and there was lots of crying and blaming and it really just felt like I needed to distance myself a bit. Even if you want to stay friends, if there’s resentment on one side still, it just can’t work… And I really do blame him. We broke up 5 months ago and managed to stay friendly for 4 months (my denial phase) until all the unsettled emotions came to surface (depression and now anger). I actually wish him ill at this point, I just want him to hurt as much as I have… but hopefully I will get over it!
Those of you who have stayed friendly with your exes, how are you managing it? Is talking about anything relating to your relationship off limits? Do you talk about other people you’re seeing? Is there any resentment you’re feeling still?
@belle, i agree! and i have been trying to challenge myself and go outside my comfort zone. i think i still have it stuck in my head that when i saw him 6 weeks ago he said “in time” he wanted to reconcile. i asked whether by “time” he meant months or years and he said thats impossible to say but “his gut” told him a few more months. honestly, i think its unrealistic really for exes to come back years later and expect to reconcile. a perfect example of this is your ex ex! he came back way too late. i don’t expect contact from my ex straight away but i think next time he reaches out (if he does) i will be a bit colder in my replies to make him question things a bit. the concept of time is really crazy to think about!! i can’t believe its been 3.5 months since the break up – it feels as if i were with him yesterday but at the same time feels like i haven’t been with him for years. but i just keep telling myself how much progress i have made in the last 3.5 months, so if i can wait another 3.5 months to contact him, i will be a whole new person which will really surprise him!
@unimare, i have never stayed friendly with an ex. this is my only ex as its my only serious relationship. when we stayed in contact initially we had the same conversation about the breakup repeatedly and discussed what we wanted in the future time and time again. we never discussed anything else. we did meet up once to discuss again our relationship and we caught op on surface level stuff but absolutely no mention of us dating other people. I’m sure we both have but neither of us want to know. unfortunately, i don’t really have much resentment towards my ex. i don’t want to be his friend so i don’t have much to say to him now. of course ill be friendly if he reaches out but i have no intentions of remaining friends with him@atea1234
This was my only serious relationship also and my first breakup.. which I think is why I’m taking it so hard. However, this was his second serious relationship, both times I think he was very committed, but then broke up with the girl and didn’t seem affected at all. I was insecure about his previous relationship before, because she seemed quite perfect frankly, but he was so unemotional about it that I stopped worrying. Now I’m the one he’s unemotional about and it’s just SO frustrating. I just don’t understand how someone can throw almost four years of happy times away so quickly and be so unaffected by it… I don’t want to be another one in a long line of exes he doesn’t give a damn about.
As for staying friends, we always promised we would. And it seems strange to me to just stop talking to someone who was your number one confidant for so many years. It seems stupid to throw that away. But it’s hard, because the relationship is unbalanced. He’s keeping aloof so as not to “lead me on” and I’m feeling resentful towards him for breaking up with me.. not exactly the best grounds for a friendship.Hey everyone! I just wanted to say wow, after reading everything on this thread, I feel more motivated to do NC. It’s so frick’n difficult though! I’m only on day 4 and I’m going bonkers. I want to text my ex so badly, it’s so painful trying to resist. How are you guys doing this so easily? Haha. Sigh… life is cruel.
Also, has anyone read this? http://smalllifeslowlife.com/2013/06/02/small-life-slow-life-how-i-got-my-ex-back-seriously/
It helped me out a lot!
Also alsooo, would you guys mind checking out my thread?
It is FULL of details; I basically wrote a novel… and sadly, it was poorly written and I could have gone into even more detail, haaaa!
I’m desperate for help, and would appreciate it if you could tell me what to do, or if what i’m doing is the right thing… if not, no worries. You gals just seemed to know your stuff, so I thought I’d ask. 🙂
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