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also @aphrodite its great to hear LOA as worked for you in the past! i had never even heard of it until recently, but am starting to become a believer myself!
Talking of LOA,
I’ve been watching some of Actualized tutorials on Youtube. It’s great watching and they are not too long, I watched one on making yourself attractive and it’s really hit home.
I’ve definitely been in what he calls a dysfunctional relationship where we trade off each other to make each other happy. It’s a relationship where you live in fear of upsetting that person.
Atea1234, you’ve expressed where you’ve mAde demands on your ex to make you happy. Again,this guy from Actualized calls that dysfunctional. We all 3 have come from dysfunctional relationships and unless we recognise this then our relationships will carry on so.
I know we are all looking into LOA and trying to practice it, but search Actulized and watch some of his stuff. It’s very inspirational and it will again not make you break NC!thanks for the suggestion, @belle! i will definitely look into those. i also think my relationship was a bit “dysfunctional”. thats why I’m viewing this break up as a positive now. if we get back together, i believe we will have learned from it and have a much healthier relationship going forward. keep us posted about the date tonight!!
Hi Atea1234
Yes if anything that comes out of all of this is that we will have healthier relationships.
It was nice hooking up with D, however nice it was I kept thinking if should be my ex sitting opposite me. I thought how much better time I would have had, however it was nice to go out And D took my hand when we said goodbye and said he had a really nice time. He’s a very good looking guy and so to get the flattery has done me the world of good. I don’t feel anything towards him but still nice to get the attention and to go out.
I’m just so incredibly compatible with my ex that for him to walk away from that will be something I will never accept. I’m pretty sure in time he will reach out but if he leaves it too long like a year or so then I maybe resentful and move on. Anyway, shan’t jump to conclusions.So, no more texts I take it?
Talk tomorrow as late here now and off to bed. Sleep tight Atea1234 x
@belle, glad to hear you had a good time! it definitely is weird to go out with others and i found myself feeling the same way going on dates after my break up. you will hear from him eventually!! and if you haven’t, when enough time as passed and you feel ready, you will be able to say what you want to him.
no more texts from the ex and i honestly doubt i will get any for a really long time. today was one of the most down days I’ve had in the past month. i kept randomly crying throughout the day and was missing my ex and everything we used to do together terribly. i had to put my phone down and go for a walk outside so i didn’t break nc. i feel like in my case even if we do reconcile, i am so many months away from it and its so hard. on one hand, i certainly don’t want to try to reconcile too soon and definitely not until he’s ready, so i want to remain nc and jut let him reach out as he feels up to it, but on the other hand, i just miss him so much and want him back soon 🙁 unfortunately theres nothing i can do. i often find myself wondering what he’s thinking…is he still thinking the same way he was when we broke up in september? i wish i could ask him how he’s feeling but i can’t. anyway hope you sleep well and glad you at last had a fun evening!Yeah it’s pretty embarrassing to read old texts and emails! I was quite cold at times and wasn’t communicating properly (explaining why I was cold/how I was feeling). I think at the time I felt very humiliated by him moving out after so many years and I didn’t want to humiliate myself further by telling him how upset I truly was. Instead I was just being cold, and not in the sort of nonchalant friendly way.
It’s good we can all learn from this! I may write down all the things I’ve learnt to make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes again.
Oh dear, it was of course not for you to give him his blessing to see his kids! He is probably realising he’s been an absent father and due to not accepting fault he wants to place the blame on you. He’s clearly not taking responsibility. I hope time makes him realise this!!
You’re right, in time I can tell my ex all these things. I just feel impatient.
I think it’s a great thing you went to see your ex!!!! We need any boosts we can get!
I just checked out Actualized. I actually watched one of his videos a few months ago! I’ve checked out a few more now and signed up to the email list:) Thanks!!! It’s great to share resources like this!
I watched the one on making yourself attractive and what hit home to me is that I am constantly seeking distraction from myself. In the relationship I think I used him as a distraction to not have to face my own dragons in life, and therefore became codependent. One of the things I miss the most is his attention. In our better years he would shower me with attention and I don’t know if I have ever felt so loved and noticed (writing that made me cry). Maybe I’ve got some sort of wound that he put a plaster on with his attention. I have a dysfunctional family where I often felt either invisible or like a nuisance that was never good enough, so that could be it.. For a while, I was perfection in his eyes, and it was such a large contrast from what I was used to.I’m sorry but I’ve gotta laugh!!! Would you ever have imagined, a few years back, that you would date this guy and wish he was someone else?? Comes to show we really can get over people and find greater happiness. So keep that in mind when you’re thinking about your current ex!:)
Your ex isn’t over you, don’t worry. When you’ve completed NC and done lots of self improvement I’m almost completely certain he won’t be able to resist your magnetism!
Happy to hear that you too have found ways in which you can improve in your next relationship (with him or someone else)! Yeah it’s likely you picked up on his thoughts about wanting to explore more before committing so I can see how that made you insecure. I was also very insecure with my ex – although I never expected him to break it off and tell me this is it forever.
It’s so true that the emotions are all over the place – and it’s a good thing I’m not expressing each and every emotion to him. I’m thinking about journaling again – but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea in case it will make me obsess more over things?
Although I definitely feel like I haven’t expressed and explored enough regarding this break up.
Yes…. When I’ve done NC I can tell him all these things that have been going through my mind. I’ve just got to hang in there for now.Oh by the way – I’ve noticed some patterns going on. It seems like every time we are in contact with our exes we get an initial ‘high’, then it turns into a drop when we realise they haven’t made another attempt to text or call yet. We feel sad, then it turns to anger, maybe more sadness – and then we start feeling better and more independent again. Do you agree?
What this really means is that our happiness and emotions are still completely tied up to our exes. So… We’ve still got more work to do!
I know you miss him lots and lots. Perhaps it’s not a bad idea to allow yourself to grieve a bit. (YouTube: Brad Yates “releasing emotional pain”, copy what he does, it’s great!)
(You too @Belle ) Atea I am sure he is thinking of you. After all he called you!! If it’s one thing I’m certain of it is that you should not worry whether or not he’s thinking about you!
I know reconciliation may be many months from now, and your relationship with him will not be the same – it will be a new one. So I don’t think it’s wrong to allow yourself to cry and grieve a bit. Just don’t break NC! If the pattern holds true you will start feeling better again soon enough! x@aphrodite, thanks for that post! i really do need to allow myself to grieve the relationship sometimes. i find myself putting on a happy face for my friends and family and telling them this is for the best and we BOTH need time away to explore before we decide if we wanna commit to each other. my family and friends all already feel a lot of resentment towards him because i was so crushed after the break up so i think by not talking about it to them I’m not worsening that situation. as for journaling, I’ve tried it, but for some reason i always find it to be rather lonely for some reason. i guess in a sense this thread is really my journal – i just prefer writing my thoughts to you two and hearing feedback! i keep telling myself the first 3.5 months have to be the worst and so if i got through these, i can definitely get through the next 3.5 and thats around the time I’m planning to contact to reassess 🙂 i can do this!
as for him thinking of me, I’m sure he is, but i doubt he thinks of me as often as i think of him. he is on my mind almost 24/7. when we met up about 6 weeks ago he told me he can’t bring himself to throw about my toothbrush at his apartment and so he is reminded of me first thing every morning and before bed every night. i also think its a good sign that when we have seen each other, he still is very affectionate, hugs me and kisses me, and tells me he loves me. i know this is hard on him as well but it was his decision after all so he had time to prepare and i think he is still relieved in a sense because he wanted this time. he told me his emotions have bounced back and forth between sadness, happiness, relief, and regret. for me, its usually sadness still, although my mood is improving overall i think. i just can’t stop wondering what he’s thinking. about 6 weeks ago before initiating my first nc he said “i do want to recreate our relationship one day, but I’m not ready yet. i need more time.” i keep finding myself wondering if he still does want to get back together one day and if he is starting to feel more ready. i think me not contacting him much is coming as a shock to him – maybe why he reached out the other night. i am normally not one to cut contact – ever!! anyway, sorry for the ramble and i think you might be right about the pattern. i need to think of nc as one day at a time and not 3-4 months or i go crazy!i also find myself telling myself when I’m sad that this is only temporary and we’ll be back together eventually, as if its a guarantee. do either of you find this happening too? it scares me because its the only thing keeping me going and it might not even be true…
also i agree! it gives hope that @belle went on a date with her ex ex and wished he were someone else! even if my ex doesnt come back i can get through this and find love again 🙂Sorry, I forgot to respond to you!
It’s amazing that you made it to 90 days NC!! You ought to be very proud of yourself for that! I admire you!!:)
Those 90 days must have made you a lot stronger, as you decided not to reach out in the end. You would have learned a lot from this that will help you in the future! I can understand you don’t want to put yourself through the pain of being rejected by him again. In that way you’ve made a very strong decision to value yourself. And if you ever change your mind, you can always contact him, but preferably when you feel that a rejection would not phase you.
It’s gonna take a long time before we find someone that ‘measures up’ to our ex, but that time is shortened if we go out there in the word – so I’m happy to hear you’re dating!
Personally I am in no way, shape or form ready to date – but that has a lot to do with that I’m not happy about my life at the moment, but also that I know it will make me upset as I will compare the guys with my ex.
Right now I just have to work on improving myself, as my life has sort of become a big mess.I agree, more people should post success stories! I promise to do that if I succeed in getting my ex back, though I don’t know if there is any chance of it.
Do you do LOA?
Just saw your posts, I didn’t get an email alert yet.
Oh I definitely think you should be open towards your family and friends about how you feel. If you decide to be with him later, you should not be phased by what your friends or family think about it. It is your life!!! You’re the one who has to decide what makes you happy.
Haha yeah this thread is kind of like a journal:)
Yeah my ex is on my mind 24/7 too. It’s exhausting. And like you, I don’t believe he thinks about me anywhere near as much!! I bet he could go a whole week without thinking of me. That’s one of the worst feelings I think, the injustice of that and knowing you’re pining for someone who doesn’t feel the same, someone who can just go about their day when you feel like your world has ended (my feelings anyway).
But no doubt does your ex think about you lots!!! Not being able to throw out your toothbrush!I can’t stop wondering what my ex is thinking either. It’s almost driving me crazy. And I had this stupid feeling he would be contacting me this weekend!!
Yes he most likely contacted you because he hadn’t heard from you and it was making him wonder. Perhaps he got scared that you were moving on, and he wanted to check in to see if he’s still got you there (as his safety net). Sorry to put it that way, but it’s what I think.
Definitely take one day at a time!!! Don’t think too far ahead.I definitely feel the same!! That’s the gut instinct I was talking about. At my core I just K N O W with the purest certainty that he will be back, despite reason. It’s when I question this feeling that I start to panic, and get extremely afraid and upset. I question whether the feeling is intuition or denial. This is also, like you, the only thing keeping me going. That’s why I think we should trust that feeling completely because it is there for a reason. We need those positive thoughts and feelings as a crutch, that’s why they’re there. Just have faith, focus on creating happiness without him, focus on you, be patient, and go with the flow of life.
In the beginning, after the break up, I would even imagine him there and talk to him aloud as if he was there (lol) because I missed him so much. I’d tell “him” everything I was thinking. Although it’s a bit crazy, I did find it to be helpful. I’d tell him how much I missed him, loved him, how angry I was at him and how unfair this all was. Works if you’ve got a good imagination 🙂
Anyone else going a bit crazy from missing the sex? It’s not like I could go and have a one night stand – the thought of someone else sickens me!!! It’s only him that could give me my fix. I’m finding that very frustrating!
@aphrodite, at the beginning i would write him letters often telling him what was happening in my life and how i was feeling! the only danger to this was that when i was feeling overly emotional, i would send them to him!! so i stopped doing this. and i do miss the sex! as well as just the physical contact – kissing, cuddling, just sleeping in the same bed. i think i am starting to miss these things less simply because I’m getting used to not having them. when we met up 6 weeks ago and had about a 10 minute hug goodbye i remembered how great it felt just to hug him like that again. i feel good about this nc because i think in the beginning he was so comfortable – i basically begged him and took whatever i could get. i would text him repeatedly in a row until he answered, call him after drinking, and ask him to meet up. i had told him i was going nc in november and lasted only 3 days – how embarrassing is that when i think about it now!! i think the fact that I’ve stopped reaching out initially gave him some relief but I’m hoping soon its going to move into him wondering if i really am moving on. i also don’t want to be his safety net – something you are spot on about! thats how he’s viewed this whole process. basically he should take all the time he wants because ill be here when he’s ready and he knows he would be happy with me so thats a backup option. i think nc will really force him to think about what he’s giving up and give him time to reflect. i do always wonder how often he thinks of me too!
as for the gut feeling, i agree with you, its there for a reason. i have promised myself that if by may we aren’t talking about reconciling, i will actively fight myself against this feeling, but hopefully by then ill be much more prepared to handle that if thats what it comes down to. as for your ex not contacting you yet, it doesnt mean anything! so many things have happened over the past 3.5 months that i thought my ex would reach out to talk to me about and the first time he breaks down and texts me is over celebrity gossip?! its so hard to predict these things – if and when they will reach out. are you going for 30 days NC? if so, you are nearing the halfway point!!See I didn’t do that – I didn’t plead and beg, I was more angry, cold and distant towards him. In that way there wasn’t so much of a big change from that to going NC – and I bet he was relieved to no longer have to deal with me being angry about how he hurt me! I’m hoping with time he will forget that and focus on the good times. Sometimes I wonder if I should have begged and pleaded – but I was just too upset with him at the time.
I miss the cuddling too, so much, and just having him around to flirt and play fight with. I miss these things a lot more in the times that I feel less angry towards him.
Yeah I definitely think your ex will worry about you moving on. He’s had his recent check up and confirmation that you’re still there for him, so it might be a while until he contacts you again. Maybe you should give him a little scare next time… ?
Funny he contacted you about celebrity gossip! Hah he really was just looking for an excuse to contact you! That definitely comes to show he thinks about you a lot.I’m gonna have to fight my gut feeling too if nothing more has happened once the summer is over.
You made me smile! Yes, you’re right! Not too long and I’m halfway!! I hadn’t realised. At day 30 I’m gonna assess whether or not to continue. Most likely I will, but it all seems so long so I’m chunking it up!
@Belle been watching more Actualized – the guy is really good! I need to care less what people think of me, stop worrying about what others think of my decisions in life and just go with my instincts. Life is too short to be as stressed out as I am about stuff!Ugh, I miss him so much:( I don’t feel happy in my life without him and that has to change!!
@Belle wow the one on how to stop being a victim was gooood! Hit home
Morning ladies,
Lots to,catch up on and read but just a quickie for now, after last nights date I’m feeling desperate about ex. Missing him so bad! Can’t beleive he chucked it all away.
His words are just ringing in my ears about how I will ruin everything. I was angry at the time and I couldn’t just carry on as usual with him that’s why I said no all thoes times. He loved me so much! You’ve no idea how much that guy loved me. For thoes 6 weeks I rejected him I just had so much anger in me to even communicate.Going out last night was great but it’s really brought it home how much I’m missing my ex!
I think he’s just now thinking about the past, how much he did for me and how I treated him badly at times and I think he’s thinking well rid!
I’d do anything to hear from him now 🙁Aphrodite, I’m glad your liking Actulized!
Atea1234, think positively, he contacted you once he will do it again. We all want it all now but non of us are going to get what we want just yet. We want them back for us to feel good again. Don’t be upset too much, I promise you he will be in touch but it might not be for a few weeks. Xx
Aphrodite, you’re right there is a pattern of emotions. So in all these emotions when we are in contact with ex’s we need to add another one and that’s going out on a date too early! Disaster!
My old ex really likes me which makes it worse! Lol. I’d never ever thought I would ever say that. It took years getting over that guy!Yes I really miss being intimate with ex. Just everything I miss! Holding hands, cuddling, talking dog for a walk, going out to eat, his crazy humour, his body, just everything I miss on a mega scale.
I just can’t imagine meeting anyone that matches up to him and I think I will spend years on my own before even thinking about meeting someone else.
Meeting someone else takes so much effort! Countless hopeless dates, then you meet someone you like but they have weird traits or habits that put you off. Jeeze, I’m going to be single for ever now 🙁I’d just like to have a crystal ball to see in the future. The mind is racing all the time and so much effort in thinking about if we will get back together I’d just like to cut all that bit out and look into the future. If someone could tell me that I’m not going to get back with ex I could just try move on. As it stands I’m working toward a goal of reconciliation. I just wish I knew what he was thinking! Only 10 days NC…. Argggg….think the ice age moves quicker!
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