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Posts
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Yes! Focus on you. The grass is greener where you water it. So keep watering your own grass!
I know exactly what you mean about the physical aching when you leave each other. Me and my ex had that too, as we were long distance for a long time. I think it has to do with fear and codependency though and not necessarily love. You feel complete when the person is there, and when they or you leave it’s as if a large part of you goes missing. It’s almost like an addiction and you want to stay in the high and not face life without them. I think because I have lost many people I loved and witnessed many accidents, I always had a thought that what if this is the last time I see him. It made me feel so desperate, living in a fear like that.
I’m not sure how I feel about your ex saying she loves and misses you. It is a bit cruel, as its stringing you on. Which is probably exactly what she intends. She wants to have you there as a safety net, which is unfair on you. I’m happy that you’re rejecting her now because she sure sounds like she needs a bit of that!
Haha… She doesn’t accept that, huh? That’s very entitled of her to say. I can bet you she will be chasing you if you cut off the supplies to yourself. She will probably be mad, but she has absolutely no reason to be! She broke up with you! She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I can completely understand that you want to show her you’re no doormat, and I second it.
I wish I hadn’t said to my ex that he can contact me if he decides he wants to be with me after all. I really need to grow a spine with this guy, and stop making actions in fear of loosing him. When he had misbehaved a friend once said to me “how isn’t he more afraid of loosing you?” I think the answer to that is “because I was so terrified of loosing him”. Truth is, even though I already have lost him, I am still terrified of loosing him. So that’s what I have to work on.
@LAbound, i think you have really taken the breakup into your own hands and totally have embraced improving yourself and not letting your ex enter and exit your life as she pleases – it is unfair! your ex sounds like she’s acting very selfish and confused. its not really fair to you (or her new guy) for her to be telling you she loves you and misses you. it is confusing to you and disrespectful to the new guy! and honestly if she doesnt want things to be this way, SHE can approach YOU on possibly reconciling. i stand by what i said that she cannot be so attached to the new guy if she still sends you messages like that. i know it must not be easy to stand your ground when she reaches out to you in that way, but i think she will respect you in the long run so much more for doing this! you are on such a good path to getting yourself back and i will be surprised if it doesnt result in getting your ex back as well. the love is still there and you are doing everything the right way. stay strong!! I’m sure yesterday was an emotional day, but you must be a bit relieved to have all your possessions back!
The feelings of aching and such started after meeting each other for the first time, so I don’t think it’s codependency entirely. It could have turned into that, but the way I still feel about her.. I can’t believe it was or is anything other than love. I have no guilt about what I’ve done. I have progressed personally on a lot of levels. I’ve been able to evaluate with a level head everything my ex and I have done, and I am now in the process of determining whether or not I really want her. It’s surprising, even to me, that I am really in tune with my feelings and can think so rationally. I am not getting caught up in emotion (although being somewhat emotional sometimes, to the point where I lose perspective and revert, and it helps me to determine what’s love, what isn’t, and is it even worth it anymore.
I think my ex, from me seeing some messages from her to others, that she passes herself off as being extremely happy without me. Saying things like, “**** and I broke up. haha who would’ve thunk it, right?!” And in her pictures our mutual friends have posted show her being extremely happy.
However, during our phone conversations, she hasn’t seemed extraordinarily happy. She told me she’s happy now, but yet told me she cries about me sometimes and is sad about me being gone. “It’s not easy for me! I’m not having the time of my life!” So idk. I feel like she told everyone that we were so unhappy all the time that she wouldn’t come back easily just because it could make her look bad. She hates for anyone to see her in a bad light. She wouldn’t even let me call my family if we had spat a bit some days because she was afraid I would say something negative about her. (Which I never did)
I think when she tells me she loves me and misses me, she isn’t trying to be cruel. She is wrapped up in her own emotions at this point in her life. Like me, she always believes we’d be married with babies by now. It was probably a blow to her mind that she was over our relationship. Her still seemingly existent confusion kind of supports that.
She has befriended individuals from the past that have openly liked her. One individual, I suspect she liked during our 3rd year together. There were messages from the person that lead me to believe it wasn’t a friendship that was respectful to my relationship. So, I told my ex she, if she loved and respected my feelings, would not continue to contact this person. She agreed. She did have a short convo with this person in 2010, but made it clear that her and I were still together and will probably marry. My point in bringing that up is that she is seeking others besides the guy she is with.. That’s what it seems like. She told me they were exclusive, but knowing what I know… I really can’t see my ex being with this guy for an extended amount of time. And I don’t see my ex settling for the first thing that comes her way.
I don’t think she is using me as a safety net. I think she wants her best friend back. This is what I think: She has moved on from believing we can work. From what she’s said and done since the breakup, I believe she has feelings for me still but they’re unable to come to the surface right now. For whatever reason. She tells me she misses me like crazy and loves me so much because she really does. I was her best friend. Have you ever lost a best friend? I have. And I remember missing them like crazy. Having them to talk to me about life bullshit and them just being around to chill with. 100% comfortable with them. That’s what she’s missing. She isn’t purposely being cruel. She is just attempting to soften me up so she can have her friend around like she wants. Is that wrong of her? I’m not sure. Her emotions are all she’s focused on right now. Man, she used to be such a great, loving girlfriend. Cared about my every emotion. Actually communicated about what was wrong. Even if it came with an attitude. She’s nothing like that and hasn’t been since a few months before the breakup. I miss my baby.
haha When she told me she didn’t accept that I was going to leave her life.. I looked at her with the strangest expression.. bent down over her and said, “Honey. What the fuck happened to your mind? You aren’t working with a full stack! You’re crazy and you have no control over whether or not I continue to allow you in my life!” She just had a blank stare at first and then cried a little.
I feel like if I stick to my word of not being in her life and just letting all of that go for now will show her when I say something, I fucking mean it. And then I also hope to gain some respect from her. I did lose respect over the last few years. I became pathetic in her eyes. I could feel it, and see it on her face. Loving words took a concerned motherly tone rather than a loving partners. By me staying away, I am hoping to clear the slate. I want to introduce myself to her as a stronger, more capable person. In the best shape of my life, and more like the person she fell in love with.
Shortly after the breakup, she came back to our house and I had went clothes shopping, got a haircut, lost weight and toned up more…she looked at me and touched me lovingly and said, “See. You’re everything I’ve always wanted.” I keep a hold of that. Because that person I was in that moment, is what she’s looking for. Confident. Not depressed looking. Dressed to impress. Decisive. (I spoke to her about my life goals. She wasn’t happy with some of them. She said, “That pisses me off. You didn’t seem interested in moving to California when we were together!” lolI couldn’t stay that person because everything was so fresh. We started fighting again and I raged and cried a lot. Thus, it killed what she was willing to give. But even up till the last day that we were together, she looked at me like she loved me. Over the phone, she spoke as if she was still in love. So I know I can get back there. And time will help me. If I determine I want her… (I’m about 30% not wanting her.)
All any of us can do is work on things. One day at a time, Aphrodite. We’ll get there.
@Atea
I don’t believe she is attached to the new guy. I was telling Aphrodite, above, that she seems to be searching for other possibilities. And I don’t see this young, emotionally wrecked, guy being in the picture for a long time.
I am relieved to have my things back! The drive was so long, and I pretty much took care of business and turned right back around. I stopped at a rest stop to nap for while. I had a dream my ex and I were together. I woke up in a panic and at first I thought we were still together..then it all hit hard that I was alone. I don’t even have my cat. lol I was a bit sad from it, but I recovered after a while.I large part of me wants my ex back, but when I think about how she’s going from person to person to fill the void.. while I am right here and willing… makes me not want to be with her. I get feelings of resentment (I am working on completely forgiving her) but then I remind myself that she probably really believes that we are over..and she wants to find happiness. Am I wrong for feeling resentment? Am I being too understanding?
It has been easier than I thought it would be to not reach out to her. I think it’s because I have so much faith that we have a good chance in the future, and if I reach out or reach back when she reached out..it ruins those chances significantly. I am the big picture type of person. I can focus on the small pieces, but I am good at getting the big picture. And I am patient. lol VERY patient.
I just hope this experience works out for the best, but no matter what..I know I will be a brand new person that someone will love. We all will!
I have to start planning my move back. I want to be back there by the end of April.
So how have you been? Any news? What are you getting into that keeps your mind off your ex?… if anything.
Same questions to you..
@LAbound, i feel like you have a really great outlook on your whole situation. i don’t think you’re wrong for feeling feelings of resentment or for feeling understanding towards her. you got together very young and as much as it pains me because I’m in the same situation, i feel like we can’t really blame our exes for asking for time to explore. if they come back, they will have such a newfound sense of commitment and appreciation for the relationship. i can understand why you would feel resentment as she’s gone from guy to guy and essentially gave up on your relationship. but i can also see why you can understand she might need to go through this to have a future with you. its really such a roller coaster and mix of emotions. its exhausting! i feel the same way often. so much resentment for him just giving up our relationship even after he’s told me we have such a “special connection” and everything is “natural” between us. also we weren’t having any relationship problems at all before the breakup! communication was great, attraction was still high, and i think we had a healthy balance of time spent together. we weren’t arguing at all. so i feel resentment for him walking out on such a special relationship when absolutely nothing was wrong. he told me he just had the realization that he was 23 and not getting any younger and it would never get easier to take this time off so he needs to do it now. i have to say as much resentment as i feel, i can understand where he’s coming from, although i don’t agree. i always felt so lucky to have him and all the love we shared. we were best friends and always had fun together. but we had such a high level of attraction and so much support for one another. i really think what we had was so rare and i never would’ve walked out on it. but its true, I’m the only girl he’s ever really known and loved. he’s also never really had time to just be with his friends and be a single guy. i guess i need to be understanding of him needing that time before he wants to make a commitment to settle down. i wouldn’t want him to resent me years down the road and always wonder if he should’ve taken time away from me, so i guess i have to understand why he’s doing this now.
I’ve been doing better for the most part. i think I’ve just accepted that theres nothing i can do to change this situation right now. i wont be a doormat and be his friend and talk to him or hang out with him occasionally while he goes through this phase. I’ve also accepted theres absolutely nothing i can do to make him come back to me. reflecting back, i was a wonderful girlfriend. of course every relationship has its ups and downs but i honestly can’t say i wish i would’ve done anything drastically different. he left purely because we got together so young, so its not like i can make changes to make him come back to me. I’m getting used to not talking to him and the temptation to reach out has gone away significantly. I’ve been using the law of attraction and really trying my best to focus on taking things one day at a time and not forcing myself to move on or to wait around and just trying to let things unfold naturally. he’s still on my mind pretty much all day, everyday, mostly just wondering if he’ll ever reach out to me and if or when he’ll ever be ready to come back to me. he had reached out last week just to make small talk but that was 10 days ago and nothing else since.
to take my mind off my ex I’ve been reading a lot, exercising a lot, and some old fashioned shopping and retail therapy! i want to take up baking but haven’t really started on that yet. i feel happier day to day but i still have a feeling he’ll be back that wont go away and i can’t decide if its annoying or helpful.
do you think there is a time frame that is appropriate for us to be apart? when we talk he tells me he wants to be back eventually but doesnt say when. i just think after too much time passes its really complicated and hard but i feel like it needs to be significant time for him to get this all out of his system so i feel lost. i was originally planning to reach out to discuss again at the end of march but now I’m thinking of holding off. my birthday is at the end of april so I’m pretty confident he will reach out then and maybe i can ask to meet up and discuss where we stand and go from there then. i don’t know – my emotions are really all over the place lately. this whole process is definitely a great learning experience, but its so exhausting!I honesty believe that if he needs time, he can figure those feelings out in a year. After a year, and he still wants to be single and “explore”, you should just have it in your head to move on.
If it were my situation, (which my ex is already asking for a full year apart before even considering anything) I wouldn’t wait past six months.
I am not waiting on my ex. It seems ridiculous that I am saying that, but I am making it to where my ex is waiting for me. If my plan works, I will be entirely new to her..and she will start waiting on me. The only problem that will arise is if she doesn’t improve herself. She is very spiteful and immature sometimes. If I make her chase too much, she will get pissed and my plan will backfire.
I havent said it anywhere else on these boards, but I think (i don’t have significant proof) that my ex might have cheated on me right before the actual breakup. I could be over thinking. I just wanted to mention that. Been thinking about it a lot today.
Anyway,
I can’t wait to go shopping. I know most guys don’t say that out loud, but I’m typing it! lol I really want to switch up my wardrobe and take a more fashionable approach to myself. I don’t have a specific style, but I do love Vans/Converse shoes. I wear fitted jeans and t-shirts. I feel like I need to amp it up a bit. I also am going to get some tattoos. I’ve always wanted them, but never got them because of family pressure. Now, since I’ve literally been through everything..I don’t care what anyone thinks. I need to live while I can. I’m only getting older. (I have a young heart though!)What’s your style?
I’m sorry that he hasn’t reached out more. I really think you have a chance, but do you think that maybe he is just keeping you at a distance and telling you these nice things for the purpose of using time to let you down easily? Let me try to rephrase that.. lol Do you think he is leading you to believe you’ll be together, but really won’t in the end. Instead, he tells you he just needs time but uses time itself to do the breaking up? I feel like I am still failing at this question. lol I am very tired. 5hrs of sleep in the last 48hrs. Sorry.
I remember at one point you stated that your ex said there wasn’t really any passion. Do you think there’s anything you can do in order to fix that?
This situation is exhausting. 8 months down, and sometimes the anxiety hits. But like you, I am focusing on LOA and just meditation in general. I ended up being able to attend school this semester (three semesters left of college!) and I have course work to keep me occupied. I’ve been working out too. It helps keep my mind off of things.
I just can’t stand by my thought process enough: We should get ourselves back before trying to get our exes back. Otherwise, they’ll just leave again. There’s a lot of anger on these boards. It’s not all sadness. And if we don’t work on our emotions, we will only repel our exes. Aphrodite posted a thread about resentment. It’s okay to be pissed and hurt. We’re human, but it’s how we handle it. That’s why NC is really important! It gives us time to learn how to handle these emotions in a productive way. I will not shove my feelings under the rug when I get my ex back. I don’t think anyone should.. but there’s a way to say everything and show how you feel without blowing your chances.
okay. I’m done with this novel.
ps. I am glad you’re doing better, and I am happy that your relationship ended in a way that hasn’t caused too much damage. You seem like a nice person. You will find love easily. Whether it’s your ex or not..
i agree with you about the year timeline. we broke up in september and i have decided i will contact him at the beginning of the summer to see where we stand. if he is still feeling happier to be out of the relationship, i will let it go. if he wants to start working on reconciling and he can honestly says he’s 1000% committed then i will take it from there. I’m not waiting on my ex either. i haven’t felt ready to date yet and think its important that i stay single and keep improving myself and let myself deal with and process all the emotions of the breakup. but it definitely doesnt mean I’m waiting around for him! I’ve tried to pick up new hobbies, go out with lots of friends, and actively try to make myself a better and happier person. if along the way i meet someone else, then I’m open to it. we will just need to see what happens. I’m not actively trying to move on or wait around, just taking it one day at a time. i see what you’re saying about him just saying he wants to reconcile to let me down easy but i don’t think thats the case, although i can’t really be sure. but the reason i don’t think so is because i was snooping on his texting conversation with his friend about a month before the breakup (in fairness to me, i wasn’t trying to snoop but was playing a game on his phone and saw his friend texted him about me, so naturally i had to check!), but anyway in the conversation he told his friend that he could genuinely see himself marrying me one day and really thought that might be the case but for that to happen he really needed some time to be single and explore and be independent and date other girls. his friend encouraged him to end it and he agreed it was the right thing to do. he ended it a month later. i think the reason he hasn’t reached out is because he saw how much he hurt me. the first 2 months i was a complete mess – begging him, pleading, texting nonstop, etc. he was always polite and answered me, but i think he hasn’t reached out because he doesnt want to send me mixed messages. he told me he wanted me to be happy regardless of whether or not were together and so he’s tried to give me my space so he doesnt confuse me while he’s going through this. i also had once asked him not to reach out so he told me he wanted to respect that. the past two times I’ve reached out to him (after my 30 days nc), he seemed very excited to hear from me and relieved i think to catch up and have a friendly conversation without mentioning the relationship. last week was the first time he reached out i think because i told him he could if he ever wanted to talk i don’t think he can say for sure if hell want to reconcile because maybe while he’s exploring hell come across something he loves more but i genuinely do think he broke up with me to confirm whether or not I’m the one he wants to commit to. he’s encouraged me not to wait around but so many times on numerous occasions without me prompting he’s said he thinks this time off would really strengthen us in the long run. we haven’t discussed this in over 6 weeks now so i have no idea where his head has been out, but he’s been pretty honest to me during this whole breakup about what he’s thinking or feeling so i don’t think he would say he would want to reconcile if he didn’t. but who knows. i asked how long he thought he would need away and he said his “gut said a couple months but theres no way to know for sure”. i guess well see! as for what he said about the passion, i think it was an excuse. we’ve never lacked passion! i think he knew he would need to go through this phase at some point and he gave me a bs excuse for going through it now. the real reason is that he was just starting a new, time consuming job, just turning 23 and he realized he isn’t getting any younger and looked for a reason to end things. i think this breakup was inevitable. if we got back together, i don’t think passion would be a problem at all. i actually think it will be timing. if he comes back before I’ve moved on or not. or if while he’s exploring he comes across someone he loves more and wants to pursue. but for now, i definitely think he wants to be single and is sticking to that.
anyway I’m sorry to hear your ex may have cheated. it sounds like you went through a lot and the breakup was complicated and messy. i have no doubts if you reconcile that it will be a clean, fresh start and you will be in a happy and confident place and ready to leave the past in the past. the situation is so exhausting!! just focusing on loa and taking things one day at a time for now and i seem to be getting happier on a day to day basis although i don’t feel myself moving on at all. i have my moments though where i do question whether or not he’s really who i should settle down with. so exhausting! you also seem like a very nice person and seem to be going about this process in a really healthy and mature way so i am confident you will also find love again easily with or without your ex 🙂ps my style at the moment is pretty much jeans, sweaters, and boots! thats what everyones style tends to be in cold NY winters!!
Shit, I hit submit and wasn’t ready.
I am really tired, so i will cut this short for the night..
Thanks for saying I seem like a nice person. I try!
Your ex was open with you from the start, and from everything you said.. I believe he isn’t leading you on or trying to let you down easy.
This getting together young business is hazardous. lol I never thought I’d be without my love. LIFE!
I tried dating, but ultimately.. I want to concentrate on just me. Not dating. Not hooking up.. nothing but getting my education and accomplishing so many things that I have put off. I’m going hardcore in the gym, and I feel pretty good about the direction I am heading in.
I have a lot of faith you’ll get your man back.
Sweet dreams. I need sleep!
i agree – getting together too young is a dangerous game! we took two brief breaks in college, but each ended after a month or two because i gave him an all or nothing ultimatum and he never wanted nothing so stayed in the relationship. now, i keep wishing i would’ve stuck with those breaks now! so rather than putting pressure to reconcile, I’ve backed off. i don’t want to ever go through this again – if he comes back we’ll be a stronger because of it and if he doesnt it wasn’t meant to be! but i agree, i never thought i would be without him!!
i tried dating as well but ultimately made me sadder as i kept wishing my ex was the guy i was out with, so for now I’m going to just focus on me and staying happy and being with friends and working on myself. if my ex isn’t back in a few months, i will start to date again.
thanks for having faith! i do for you as well! hope you were able to get some sleep last night 🙂also, i have one more question for you! i think you mentioned how you’re good at being patient with this process which is come thing I’m really struggling with. i tend to want answers and solutions now and when i think about waiting 4 months to contact i sometimes feel hopeless. do you have any tips on how to be patient with this? i know i don’t have a choice but any tips you could provide me would be very helpful!
Good Morning. I ended up getting a little sleep. Still very tired.
I woke up with my ex on my mind. I woke up numb to her. I didn’t feel anything toward her. I got on facebook and there was a post of hers that a friend shared. It said: “The mark of true maturity is when someone hurts you, you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.” lol
I don’t know if this was because I refused to see her when I went north, or what. She needs to heed that inspirational advice.
You are doing the right thing by not pressuring him. Someone posted on here last week or something and their post included info about something called reactance. It’s where if you threaten someone’s freedom of choice or action, they will do whatever they need to in order to prove they have control over their life and have freedom. And it causes the opposite action of what the person “threatening” actually wants.
…I truly feel that my ex went through that.When I sit down and really think about the details and all the mixed messages..and her dating others instead of coming back to me.. it causes me to question how much of a chance can there be of us living out the rest of our lives happily in love.
But that’s where I hinder those chances. If I’m concentrating on the future, I am not present in the now. Do I still think about the future? Yeah. However, I don’t linger in thoughts about it and I definitely don’t get stuck on it.
I snap out of it, I concentrate on what I am doing in the now. For example, I was doing homework last night. I couldn’t get my ex out of my head. I had seen a post from a friend showing her happy and at our favorite bar. I then got lost in thoughts of her…and then I realized that I wasn’t getting anything done. My homework wasn’t anywhere near finished and in that moment I wasn’t getting me back. So I snapped out of it, and I didn’t have any trouble the rest of the night. And that’s what you have to do.. you have to concentrate on the positive things in the now. Homework sucks, but it will get me to where I need to be. (Positive thinking!)
As for patience, I think a lot of it has to do with how you are naturally.. but you can work on visualizing the big picture. Don’t get caught up on the details. Keep the focus on you and stay in the moment.
thanks for the advice 🙂 definitely something I’m trying to do is live more in the present moment. I’m currently in graduate school and planning to really immerse myself in my work this semester as its a great distraction and as you said is beneficial to my future. my workload hasn’t really picked up yet but in the next few weeks it will so I’m actually kind of look forward to that. I’m also doing my best to work on the big picture and when i really do think that way, i think taking the time off now makes sense. it also definitely sounds like your ex’s Facebook status was about you. its funny, to me, it seems you have moved on more than she has even though she’s in the new relationship! you’ve handled it the right way and are moving forward and she jumped from guy to guy and now is facing the consequences and just starting to confront the idea of possibly losing you permanently. also as for looking happy in pictures, everyone looks happy in pictures! if felt the same way initially when i saw photos of my ex out and smiling but my friends reminded me i too looked happy in my pictures being out at bars with friends, but inside i was really miserable! social media is so dangerous for this reason
lol you are so right.. everyone certainly does look happy in pics.
I guess I was pairing the pics with her comments that she’s made that pretty much make it seem like she’s relieved or happy to be single.
I keep hitting submit when I am not ready. sheesh.
I’m pretty much going to drown myself in everything that benefits me and my future. My relationship did hold me back a bit, but ultimately I am in charge of me. Now that I am single.. and nothing holding me back… I am on a fast track to great things.
You make a great point to think about..
I have moved on in a way she hasn’t yet. It’s true. I knew right away that I didn’t want to jump right in with another person. It’s understandable why people do that, but I knew it wasn’t the right choice for me. Not just because I was the dumpee and wanted my ex back. Even now..it’s all about healing.
Do you watch football?
@LAbound, sometimes! i did today! and i love what you said about healing…you are much further along that she is! keep going forward
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