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Posts
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@LAbound don’t shift, follow your gut feeling on this. Seriously.
I won’t. She just texted me to ask for a 10min phone conversation.
I haven’t responded and I wont. I feel like me messaging her has created a microscopic slit that she’s trying to force open now. I feel like I still have control over everything, but I do feel like me messaging her was a mistake.
I believe it is slightly different from what she did in the past, but she gave me a speech about working on herself and being alone.. but yet tries to push herself on me. Which makes me feel like she still believes if she wants, I’ll cave and be here when she feels like having me around.
I definitely need to regroup and stay away from all forms of communication.
She again texted me. So I asked her to respect my decision not to see or speak to her. And that I hope she stays true to the words she wrote in her message…and to take care.
She replied, “Got it. You too.”
Im sort of sad, and I think it’s because after everything.. I feel like a back up. She says I am not, and maybe she has realized what she’s lost..but idk. I hate what we’ve become.
@LAbound, i really feel for you. its so hard to think back on to how much love you can share with a person and a whole life together and to think what you’ve become now, it is really sad. i think you should follow your own gut. if you feel like a backup option, don’t give into her. but, i don’t think you necessarily are that to her. she went off with other guys to explore other paths and see if the grass is greener over there. after dating other guys, she’s realized she made the wrong choice and the right choice was there in front of her all this time. i see both sides of the argument. on the one hand, you did get together young and if she had doubts about the relationship it was better to do this now then after youre married with kids, but on the other hand, she did leave your relationship thinking maybe something better is out there. as you know, I’m in the same situation but my ex hasn’t come back like yours has.
i really feel torn in my head. part of me can justify the feeling – if your ex did experience others and realizes youre the best for her, i think it has the potential for you both to create a very strong relationship now with newfound commitment and excitement. but on the other hand, so much has happened. can you really forgive and go back or would you always feel like the backup option? I’m not sure. all questions to ask yourself and take your time. i do have a problem though with your ex not respecting your decision for space. she created this mess and you need time now to decide if you want to proceed with her or not. she owes it to you to give you the time and space and peace of mind to decide. keep following your gut and I’m confident you will make the right decision for YOU going forward. i will say though that i am such a hopeless romantic and a believer in real, true love. if you feel you and your ex had that, be the bigger person. forgive, forget, and choose love. make her work for it of course and don’t let her back in easily, but don’t stay away from her out of spite. but if you genuinely can’t forgive her and feel like there is someone else out there for you then i really suggest you cut all ties and stop answering her messages so you can finally put this all behind you. it is so hard being stuck in limbo like this. i really feel for you. I’m here to vent if you want!I have no harsh feelings toward her, I just feel like I need to progress more, and I don’t want to see or speak to her until she has made real changes. If she doesn’t make real changes, I have no want of her in my life.
She told me today that she picked up a new hobby and is going to stop the “distractions” aka getting involved with people..and all that good stuff. I hope she’s serious. I hope she isn’t going to seek someone out right away to keep her company. We agreed to part ways for now and concentrate on ourselves. It’s funny because the conversation I had with her once, I said, “It’s extremely sad that you want these changes but feel like you cant change with me.” Well, today she said, “It’s really sad. I said I wanted space before, but I feel and think differently now. I never thought we’d cut all communication. It makes me sad that you can’t progress and thrive with me. But I understand. I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns.”
I guess I just have to keep doing what I’m doing and worry about what’s going to happen with me and her later. After I move back to her city, I plan on re-introducing myself to her. That’s an extra 4 months. Depending on what I hear about her and all that, it could be longer.
I hope she is on the path to change. To say what she’s said to me the last few days, only to not change and keep looking for something with others and not progress…
I will definitely never speak or see her again. Because that just proves what a shitty person she’s turned into. And I have no room for someone like that in my life.Thank you so much atea. For everything.
4 months is a perfect amount of time. if she is really serious about wanting you and a future with you, she will use these next months to work on herself, she wont date around, and she will become ready to be with you again. if she doesnt, it will confirm she isn’t right for you. i really admire your patience – i am struggling with that a lot these days. i miss my ex desperately the past week or two. we spoke monday night when he told me he was seeing someone but we haven’t spoken since and now that i know he is, theres no way i would ever reach out. but I’m feeling a lot less hopeful and like he will never be back and the only way to describe how I’ve felt lately is sad. i mean, i loved him more than anything in the world, we were best friends, had the best relationship, and he threw it away to see if he could also love someone else? it makes me feel so uneasy and not knowing how everything will play out kills me. i just miss him very much and want the hurt to pass. you seem to be way more in control of your emotions than i am
I don’t know if my words can offer comfort, but my breakup was horrible. She was such a different person, and hurt me on purpose. Full of anger and confusion. And 8 months later, she has starting thinking about us again. If that much garbage happened in my breakup/relationship.. you have an even greater chance. He is exploring. If My ex can realize that I’m more thank likely the one, your ex can certainly discover you’re perfect for him. You were together for a long time, and he is used to how you are. He will compare this other girl to you..and may find her not up to the standards that you’ve set for him. I know how it is to miss and to want..and feel horrible because the future is uncertain. I am in more control because I have been rock bottom and made baby steps to getting better and more stable in every way.
You WILL get there.I have to admit something. I looked at a message that was sent from my ex (last night) to someone. Wasn’t the brightest move, but I just wanted to see if she was running a line of shit. Well, she sent (to the someone) “Hey! I’m curious about you…we should hang out some time.” The reply wasn’t anything more than platonic..and then my ex stated “Geez, way to make a girl feel weird about getting to know someone!” What do you make of that? This is someone she has known for a couple months from afar and has mutual friends. I feel like it could be a come on. I’ve asked a couple people what they thought, and they said that it just depends…but they all agreed that it’s a little odd to word it, “I’m curious about you” They said it could be a safe way to come on to someone just in case it isn’t returned..and others have said that it could be a not so well thought out way to tell someone that she wants to get to know them.
It’s not that I put weight on everything my ex said to me in the fb message, but I am a little deflated. Probably because if she is indeed already scoping out someone else…that puts more feeling in me that I am just on reserve. However, I did just tell her that I don’t feel like we should speak or see each other. I didn’t give a time frame on it. I just said we shouldn’t speak or see each other. Maybe this caused somewhat of a defeatist attitude and she said to heck with it..
..but then, even after I said we shouldn’t speak or see each other, she said she thinks and feels differently about things and is sad that I can’t progress with her. And she said that she is going to stay true to her word and already took up a new hobby.
Idk. I’ve really been analyzing it. It’s Get your ex back 101.. don’t read into anything.. or over analyze.. but I just want all of this to stop. I want to know if I should continue with the plan I have set in motion.. or if I can finally let go of the last few threads of a possible future with her. I know I am not focusing on me.. and I am somewhat reverting.. but I still feel pretty in control of my emotions.. I’m a bit deflated like I stated above.
Any thoughts?
thank you for your kind words. youre 4 months ahead of me in all of this so i can only hope to be where you are in another 4 months from now. i don’t feel my situation is hopeless. i know he still loves me, i know our break up wasn’t bad, and i know that he wanted to explore and “confirm these doubts”. it doesnt make missing him any easier though and actually i think it makes moving on even harder. in the back of my head i have constant thoughts about if and when he’ll realize, how many failed relationships he needs before coming back, how this girl compares to me, how many others after this one he’ll want to “explore”. its also just been a really sad realization to me that he and i will never be the same again after this. even if he did come back, I’m not sure how i could be with him knowing he dated other girls. its like our relationship isn’t pure anymore and knowing things can’t be like they used to anymore has been very painful for me. i know our relationship set us both up to have high standards but the fear of the unknown of the future is driving me crazy. thanks for saying ill get there though. I’ve been trying to take baby steps. the last 4 months i haven’t even felt like me and its scary. I’m always such a happy person and i have been so miserable the past few months and driving myself crazy over analyzing. moving on while holding onto hope is an extremely difficult balance.
that is a really strange text your ex sent. from what I’ve heard about her, it really seems to me she is incapable of being alone. in fairness to her though, you did not say to her if you make all these changes ill get back with you. she could be thinking she’s lost you forever and if she has lost you forever, she might be feeling like why shouldn’t she date other guys. she’s not going to stay single and work on herself just because you have told her to. i think for your question of sticking with your plan or letting go of threads of hope – its truly what your heart tells you. if you don’t believe she will ever change enough to be the person you want her to be or don’t think you can let go of the past, then i think maybe its time to forget about her. but if your heart for some reason is still drawn to her, i would honestly either in person or on the phone have a very serious conversation with her. i would tell her all your doubts, how you feel like a backup option, how she’s jumped from guy to guy, etc. and tell her that you love her and would want a future with her but she needs to seriously prove it to you how badly she wants to be with you. if she’s willing to put in the time and effort to do what she can to save your relationship and the relationship is what YOU want, i do think it can be saved. but if in your heart you feel you can’t trust her and you feel like her plan B then youre going to have to let it go. to be honest, i don’t think anything will change a couple months from now. but it may be important for you that she spends some months single to make sure of what she wants. so maybe have this conversation with her and tell her if she really loves you and wants to prove her commitment, you really need her to take the next 3-4 months to herself to evaluate her choices, etc. and make sure she really wants to put in the effort to make it work.
over analyzing is my biggest obstacle in all of this. i over analyze absolutely everything – every single text, things he’s told me months ago. its truly exhausting. i totally see why you would be deflated because her letter did seem so promising, but now it looks like she’s already backing away from what she’s promised to do. my suggestion would be to TALK to her about it. i think communication is the most important part of reconciliation. i know you don’t want to be her backup and want to be in control, but if you want her back at a certain point i think its ok to let your guard down. you have to do what feels right to you. sorry i can’t be of more help. its all so so complicated.
So. I spoke to her. On the phone. It was a six hour phone conversation. I didn’t chase. I was confident, I made jokes, I spoke of positive things. She said often that she can tell there has been a change in me. She asked me if I loved her at all, I told her has a person. At that moment, she said, “huh. Maybe I am in love with you. idk. When you said just as a person, I felt something stronger.” I played it cool, and I changed the subject. She then pressed for information about my dating habits. I told her I haven’t dated, and right now I am chasing myself. No one else. That I am not interested in a relationship at all. She started to explain that her last rebound was a “band-aid”, and she wasn’t looking for a relationship anymore. I asked if there was someone she had her eye on. She said not really, but there is a guy that her friends are trying to introduce her to. She went on to explain that she likes companionship, but she only wants to date me. And that if I wanted her, she would be off limits to everyone. I was very honest with her about how I felt concerning her relationship hopping and quick consideration of others for “companionship”. She said that she thought I wasn’t going to see or speak to her ever again, so she was going to agree to be introduced to this 3rd jerk. I told her that I need time and space for myself, but that I wasn’t saying it was forever. My ex then asked if there was hope for us. I told her I wasn’t thinking about a relationship with her and that I am not in love; that I don’t know what will happen in the future, but right now I really feel like we both need to focus on ourselves and really progress. I also told her that it will require some work, and that it won’t be just butterflies and rainbows. She asked me what I meant by that. I told her that I am past being full of rage. I explained that I have forgiven her for a lot, and that I still have forgiving to do. She said she understood. I followed that comment up with, “I’m not saying we’re going to be together, but even if we are only going to be friends in some time, we have to go to therapy. I need help in forgiving and understanding the rest, but what I won’t do is constantly pick at old wounds. I have let go of a lot. But trust has to be built.” She then went on for a while about how she betrayed me, and she finally understands how messed up she’s been. “A fog has lifted, baby, I am so sorry.”
She told me that even over the phone she can tell I’ve made changes, and that I motivate her to change for the better too.
So much was said, and we talked about mistakes made and what we see for the future. We laughed a lot.. plenty of bliss moments…still, I never let my guard down. I never gushed over her or laid plain my plan to move back to her city.
My ex’s father told my ex to not listen to me when I say I don’t want to speak or see her..and to just drive here and force me to see her. LOL She knew better, and I told her that it was good that she didn’t.
Idk.. just so much said and she owned up to so much. I told her that I am not promising anything, but I have to see real change. I have to see the changes stick because I’d never go back to what was. She said they will stick. She also said, “Please, just come home.” I told her that’s not happening. She understood, and said she will continue to work on herself and that she wants me and only me..and will do what it takes to make it happen.
If you see yourself with this girl in future – in any form – then you should stop this act in 2-3 weeks. That’s plenty of time. Otherwise, you are trusting her word again and taking her for granted. When she says she is not gonna date again, she is just being desperate and chasing you. 4 months from now or even any sooner all that will be forgotten. It will take a split second for her to change her mind when she sees this one person. And, you, who is building up all that pressure on yourself to meet her in 4 months will be left with wounds. It will be same thing all over again.
If you want to do therapy and want her to be involved, then you can do it together. Until that time, go for absolute NC and let her know the duration so that she can at least look forward to it and do her best in mean time instead of looking around. Believe me, it will have a great impact. It won’t be as sincere, but the change you are expecting will not happen even 4 months from now, however her willingness to communicate is the key here. And you’d better reward it sooner rather than waiting to do it later.
it sounds like a very productive conversation. i don’t see why you need to wait another 4 months to start seeing her again. even if you do start trying to work on things, if it isn’t working out and you aren’t happy, you can always walk away.
from reading your posts, its obvious you’ve made soo much progress moving on but you still clearly love this girl. i say go for it, if 8 months later, you still love her that says something to me. take a couple more weeks of nc for yourself to make sure of it but she does seem really willing to work with you. she made many mistakes in the past and its up to her to earn your trust and try to fix the damage but its also up to you to be the bigger person here and forgive and accept. maybe trying to change and improve things together rather than apart is a good thing. what are your thoughts?Because of how she is and how she has handled everything, I am taking more time away from her. Do I love her? Yes. I’m not deeply in love though. I really do put myself first now, and I am not going to subject myself to another roller coaster ride. Like I stated above, she has to change and stick before I give it a thought. I am great without her, and if me requesting more time and more PERMANENT change is too much for her after everything she’s done to me, then she doesn’t deserve me. Look at everything I’ve done to eventually get back together with her. I have changed, it will stick, and I haven’t chased relationships with other people. I’ve experienced the pain and learned lessons from it. Just two months ago she said she wasn’t into me like that. Just DAYS ago, she ended it with her last rebound and then comes back saying she wants to get married. She is still all over the place, and I don’t trust it yet. This whole experience has been a benefit to me because I am not weak when it comes to her anymore.
And I might sound like a complete jerk for this, but she has some proving to do. She has to prove herself and her commitment to the thought of us being together. I went through this all twice before. Where we talked about change, we got back into a relationship and dated, etc. ..and then in a matter of days or a week, she’d run right out the door.
Because of what she’s done, I can’t do less than at 2 months. It’s a pattern with her, and I need to know for sure that she will break these confusion induced habits.
I can’t allow myself to see a relationship with her until she changes for good. It’s been too short a time for real change to have taken place. I won’t wait 4 months.. but at least two; with LC trickled in there. I refuse to give in, and then she does this shit all over again.
good for you! and no you do not sound like a complete jerk at all. she HAS to prove her commitment and dedication to you!!! she needs to prove how she’s changed and how things will be different going forward. never waiver on that. she must make it up to you for the way she treated you and its so important that you recognize the want to be with her if she’s different but not needing her in your life to be happy. i think 2 months is a fine timeline. its all about what feels right for you. she does need to show you she’s changed and she’s serious. and she does seem a bit all over the place so she probably needs some time as well. lc is a good idea to test the waters. and you wont give in until youre positive it will last this time. i think youre handling everything the right way and are being very mature about it. i think a lot of reconciliation fail if they move too quickly. I’m glad youre taking the time to really wait and see if this will work for you. you’ve gone through the pain and learned a lot and you will be completely happy and in a loving relationship again – whether it be with her or with someone else.
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