Contacted ex.

I’m thinking if it ended, it was more of my ex’s decision. I know that guy snorting pills was a complete turn off. And I do believe, from everything my ex has sent, she is starting to understand what she lost. but I still think she is in the same mindset, so I can’t give in right now. I love her.. and it has been what I’ve wanted to hear since after the breakup… but it doesn’t give me much confidence because if she isn’t into someone else..she comes to me. It hasn’t been a consistent thing. What if I give in, and she decides she doesn’t want to be with me at the first interest in someone else? you know?

My ex, after i sent a text telling her it disrespects her relationship, she said she wouldn’t do that to either relationship (if i am in one) and fished to see if I was in a relationship. I never responded. Then she tried to call me. After I ignored it, she said “I thought I’d give it a try 😉 bye xoxo”

I just said bye in response.

I’m still emotionally strong, but sad. I can’t go back now even if I wanted to. I’m sad because she is desperate. I don’t think she loves me. She will just settle so she isn’t alone. What kind of life would that be? She said “I have so much love for you and you’re such an important person to me” ..but she didn’t say she’s in love. I want that deep kind of love. Not just because you love me as more than a friend, but not in love with me.. like she’s stated before. So Idk.

I feel like I still need to do it on my time to make sure that it is love.. and she isn’t just doing it because I’m a safe option.

Let it out, Atea. If you’re angry, you have a right to be. But it really is important to consider that things are missing for our exes..and they don’t feel complete. They’re just doing what they think is right. And don’t compare yourself to this other girl. And it may seem serious, but so did my ex’s first rebound. and the second rebound. I stopped concentrating on her relationships and worked on me..and stopped communicating with her because it really hurt. And I couldn’t get anywhere in my life remaining a part of her life. I think if you did the same, it would do wonders for you. Essentially…let go of him. I’m sorry that things were decent in your relationship and he still felt a need to explore. For some people, it’s like that. Nothing we can do but wait..or move on.

I’ve been there atea. It will pass. I promise. Like you said, make a real effort to move on. And don’t concentrate on him being with another girl. It’s those new, bullshit feelings that after a while will be tested. And since you said your relationship was pretty damn decent, I can imagine your bond with him will be a heavy contender to anything they have going on.

Stay in NC. It will help you resolve the negative feelings you’re experiencing. And yeah.. DON’T STALK or OBSESS! It will not help.

The following is something I felt deeply compelled to send my ex today. I do not feel that it relinquishes any power I have gained.

“Against my better judgment, I am going to respond to a few things you have stated/mentioned in your texts and facebook messages.
This may be a lengthy response, and I am going to be as organized in my points as possible.
We grew up together. We had created a bond with each other, I thought. However, I have felt for quite some time that I had created the bond to you..and not with you. I still feel that way, and I will always feel that way. This whole experience has changed my perception on many things. I have spent plenty of time alone, without distraction, to consider my actions and my hang-ups, where I excelled and where I completely and utterly failed. I also realized that I loved you more than I loved myself. And I failed myself. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused me to fail. It made it hard for me to function, yes, but it was all my fault for not revolving more around myself. People can only be held back if they allow it. I was blinded by my bond and love for you to the point I no longer saw myself. You have to admit, I was nothing like I was in the beginning. There are so many people like me. Givers to the point we give too much. We want to nurture everyone else, but don’t consider ourselves most of the time.
That has changed. I am not the person you knew. And frankly, I do not feel as if I know you anymore. I don’t mind it either. I see your facebook picture, and I do not recognize that woman. I am not in love with you, ****. I care if you’re okay, and I don’t hate you. I simply do not know you anymore. And that is what is best.
There was a lot of pain caused; in the end especially. I’ve come to terms with it all, and I forgive you. However, I really feel like you don’t realize what you’ve done.

Two months ago, I asked if you would date me. You said you weren’t into me like that and you wanted to get with Erik. Fast forward two months, and I get random messages and calls from you. One facebook message says that you feel like you made a mistake. A text says to marry you. In the facebook message you had a boyfriend, in the text (two days later) you didn’t have a boyfriend. Do you see how utterly odd seeming that is? And it shows lack of respect to just say “life is too short. Lets get married. Seriously”.. it makes it seem as if you don’t realize what has happened..and as if you’re really saying, “I’m freaking out because I’m 29. I don’t care if I’m not in love.. I just don’t want to live day to day alone.” Just saying…
1. I am not a back-up.
2. I am not a safety net.
3. Nothing you have done says you respect me.
4. You seem confused still and panicked.
5. You seem to be afraid to be alone.
6. You are not in love with me. And Id never be with someone just to be with them.
7. I feel like you need time alone. To reflect. To grow. To mature.
8. Being alone can be an amazing thing. You’ll know yourself better without masking it all. I would know!
9. This all comes off as you playing games. The last text where you said bye… because you weren’t getting your way? Or is it a game? Do you just want a response?
10. This is the last response I can spare. I love and respect myself enough to know that the way you have been isn’t healthy for either one of us.
It might annoy you that I say this.. but You have so much growing to do. I wish you so much happiness and luck. I wish you deep sleeps, hearty laughs, great health, tremendous success, enlightenment, peace, and love. Lots and lots of love.
I’m sorry that we didn’t make it. I tried to hold on, despite you choosing other men over me. But now more than ever, I am happy that relationship ended, and that we didn’t get back together. You are lost. But that’s a good thing because most people can’t find themselves until they are lost. Unfortunately, intended or unintended sacrifices are made. I was that sacrifice. Our love was as well. And I don’t feel it anymore. Not strongly, anyway.

I’m so excited about conquering everything I’ve wanted to conquer in this world. Whether with someone or alone. I’m sitting in my chair… looking out a window on and off, and I am terribly excited. I have no fucking clue what is about to happen in the next few minutes, the next few days..months.. or even years. But not knowing isn’t the problem. It’s forcing things. And you seem to be forcing love. Life is just stating intention, backing it up with action..and letting the universe do its thing. That’s literally how the whole “If it’s meant to be, it will be” works. One doesn’t sit back and say it will happen if it’s meant to happen. Intent. Action. And going for a wonderful ride is how it’s done.
I prayed for you the other night. I then fell asleep, and you came into my dream. I was standing and you approached me. You were crying. I could actually hear you cry. And you were telling me something about your relationship with Erik. How he had done something fucked up. Something about drugs and screwing a girl. I then woke up, and saw the missed call from you. And I believe you texted me. I thought that was interesting.

Well, I will go now.
Please, be safe and take care of yourself. And if you’re freaking out because you’re getting older.. don’t. 29 is young.. and there is so much time! You told me once to embrace it. EMBRACE being truly on your own and growing as a result. Good luck to you.
I’m not sure if I covered everything I originally wanted to state.. but oh well. Be well. Be happy. And please give love to D**** for me. Tell your family I said hello.”

Here was her response:

“I’d like to start this message off by saying sorry for my last emails, text and phone calls. These last few days have been extremely tough for me and I was definitely freaking out and that’s totally why I sent those dumb ass texts and emails. Once, I broke things off with Erik I was super relieved but super emotional and a bit distraught. It was like an old deep wound reopened. I felt the pain of losing you and the damage that I caused X 100. I realized that I had been stagnate for the past 2 months and it shocked and frightened me. I realized that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, who I am, what I want…like, I don’t know shit about myself!!! I looked around my apartment and it blew my mind. It’s been almost half a year and I’m still not settled in. It’s like an empty shell, bare walls…like wtf, I’m here just to rest my head. I’ve just been running, spinning my wheels not getting shit done.
1 &2.I don’t think of you as a back-up or a safety net.
3. I did not show you respect in the past but I respect you very much
4. I am SO confused and I was panicked!!!!
5. I am not afraid of being alone but it’s something I’m not used to, but I know that I need to be alone for real growth.
6. You are correct I am not in love with you, but only because I don’t know you or myself anymore. I know that I could easily fall back in love with you though, because you are amazing. The healthy, confident, clear headed, self-aware ***** would fall just as quickly and easily as ** year old ***** did when we first met…And I would bet money on it that you will do the same. (I plan on treating my future husband like royalty…and I can’t help but hope that its you)
7&8. I totally agree
9. I was not playing games. I knew that I was being foolish and I was going to TRY not to bug you anymore. I wasn’t looking for a response. I was feeling super foolish and embarrassed.
10. I hope that this is really not your last response to me, but I understand if it is. The girl you know is damaged, selfish, lost and confused. She’s no good for you. The one that I am going to create or find; she the one you want to respond to and know.
Thank you for your message. I needed that shit. It has always tripped me out how well you know me. As always you inspired me to be better. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am super excited for you. You sound like you got your head on straight. GO BABY, GO BABY, GO! If you have a lady she better treat you like the king that you are. You deserve nothing but the best! I fucking mean it!!!!
You will always be in my prayers and thoughts and please keep me in yours. And that dream was very interesting. I think that if I stayed in that relationship a second longer than I did, some shit like that definitely would have happened. Haha I feel so relieved to be done with that guy. It didn’t end bad or anything, but feel like I dodged a bullet or something.
I will tell D**** and my family that you said hi. D***** really loves you. Haha he calls you my brother. “Wheres *****, your brother?”
I was foolish and lost and I sacrificed our love, our bond and you. I have high hopes of getting all 3 of those things back, once I become well. I no long feel like if things are meant to be they will be…action has to be behind it. I didn’t believe that until recently.
Like, 6 month from now, I envision you, me and a beautiful beach in Mexico. Get your passport if you don’t have it already. This shit is not over. At the least we will be friends. I know I caused a lot of damage and pain but I will fix what is broken.
I can feel your excitement through your words and you have me pumped. I don’t know where to start but I’m headed to your level and beyond.
Thank you again. You were very kind for sending this message. As always you soothed my soul. I pray to God that I will be able to do the same for you one day. I love you and I wish you all the happiness, and love and peace one human can handle.
P.S
Call me or text me if you ever need anything…I’m dying to talk to you and see what you have going on in your world.
Damn, I feel like the fog has lifted….
I hope to hear from you soon. ”

Ladies and Gents.. there is still work to be done. Notice how she seemed confident I will fall back in love..and how we will at least be friends? The next stage is to make her doubt even that. She says she doesn’t know me, but still says I am amazing..and bets money that I will fall for her again too… the following months will break her of that thinking. She sends a lot of positive messages on that one letter, but I refuse to get my hopes up or cease working on myself. It’s not over.

Some of you are going to want to strangle me because I am still not going to give in. That’s because if I give in right now, all the progress will have been for nothing. She admitted she has to fix herself, and I am going to leave her alone to do so. Four months from now, I will contact her. (I’ll be in the same city too) I will see where she’s at in her progress and go from there. It takes work to break cycles and habits. And it doesn’t matter how much I love her (and I lied about not being in love), I love me more.

Atea,

It is definitely the most open and genuine message she has sent, but I have to protect myself. She has a habit of telling me what I want to hear with no intention of making solid steps to change. It’s a step in the right direction. My ex and I used to talk without speaking. lol We empathized with each other to the point if I cried, she’d cry and vise versa. We shared everything, and supported each other. It wasn’t perfect, but it was deep love.

As happy as I am to have received such an open message from her, and her stating she wants to change so we can possibly rekindle things in the future, I still feel like it’s partly because she feels like she wont get better. That’s another reason why I need to wait. I have to do it all on my terms. Not as the back up. Even if she isn’t doing it on purpose, she is putting me in the back up position. It is gratifying that she’s realized what she lost, but I must make the image I am putting out there a permanent thing in her mind.

I felt happy and grateful for the message. But it wasn’t emotionally overwhelming. Because of my experience with her, I have to protect myself. I have great control over my feelings now, and I can put them all on the back burner so I can think clearly about what she’s said; remain focused on the big picture.

Like you, I don’t believe there can be a successful reconciliation if both people haven’t made some changes. Even if they get together, it wont stick if changes haven’t been made or at least being made in the process.

Atea,

I still have hope for your situation. Keep hope, but don’t let it misguide you. LOA, and believe you’ll get that love back. (Not focusing on your ex, but love in general)