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Hello! I need help.
Hey I am 17… well 18. I had started the no contact period after my 2yr relationship ended, it was a good relationship, we didn’t fight often and most fights ended in crying not screaming. Anyways I was broken up with a month through our first year of collage, we go to different collages but it’s not long distance. When we broke up she said there was a “divide” and the whole “it’s not you it’s me”. Anyways broke the no contact rule…sorry, after my 18th birthday I didn’t even get a happy birthday message or anything which seems crazy to me. It was my 20th day of NCR and I texted her with a friendly/funny text saying basically that I didn’t get a happy B-Day. She didn’t respond to this text… the next day I called, went straight to voicemail, I think she was sleeping bc she hasent blocked me. I texted asking her to call me because I have something important to talk about (I’m moving, got my license + other stuff). I wrote this in the morning, no response… I’m kinda freaking out I’m only 18 and I’m overwhelmed with emotion. Please help me I don’t know what to do to get her back, I love and miss her so much
Continued…
Okay see… I contacted her on Instagram, she answered. She lost her phone at school and is getting a new onemail (that’s why she didn’t pick up the phone). We ended up skyping, we both seemed fun and happy, we talked about a few things related to the relationship and still she seems reluctant to get back together. I asked how she wasaid doing since we have had no contact for 21days, she said she’s happy and feels like a weight has been lifted.I figured out the reason we broke up… a big part of it was that her “initial attraction” faded. While dating I was also at most times needy, I would always want to communicate (I would even call 2+ times in one day); I did this because we only saw each other once a week and it was hard on me, I told her that I got to the “root” of why I’m needy… I said “if I wasn’t needy we would probably still be together” again… she disagreed, I brought up a scenario where I would give her more space and call less also really cherishing the time we had together (because it would be less); she didn’t disagree, I could tell she was thinking about it, she then said something along the lines of “we should stop talking about hypothetical situations”. After more talking the call ended with me saying I’ll contact her later or her to contact me when she gets her new phone. While in the call she was talking to me as a “friend”… I don’t want to be friend zoned, I really love this girl! Could you guys please help me, please!
Initial Information/my thoughts
– I believe that she is possible just trying to pin things on me, I think shes doing this to have some sort of “reason” for our breakup when it very well could have been a loss of attraction.
– Not to sound entitled for lack of a better word but… I am not an ugly 18 year old, I have always had girls like me, my ex-girlfriend couldn’t stop looking at me when she first saw me (her words not mine). She also explained how I was the “settler” and she was the “reacher” (this means I settled for her).
– In our call she did seem unemphatic to all of my remarks about our relationship, I do understand it was bad to bring up the relationship, I will not do that in future conversations.
– I am not like most boys my age, I dont smoke, drink, do drugs or treat women poorly. I am the type of guy to fall in love and not want to experiment/sleep around with others. My morals seem to be that of a 30 – 40 year old… dont get me wrong, I am a good lover and treat women how they deserve to be treated but… I just dont see the point in being in a relationship unless I deeply care for the person or see a future with them. (I deeply care for this girl)
– I do believe 21 days of no contact was enough, however not 100% sure.
What i’m thinking of doing.
Since I established contact and… as much as it pains me to say this, it was a “friendly” conversation I believe I should slowly start talking to her again. Since I was a “needy” boyfriend, I think I should start out slow, a call or a text every week or two, followed by maybe a friendly meet up (I will not discuss the relationship at all I know how that will end…). After we feel comfortable and… if she starts showing the signs I make our meets more personal and try to make her think of me as more than a “friend/ex”.
Does anyone see any problems with my plan/ideas? any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
Hey John
I wouldn’t recommend calling when you’re just re establishing contact. It might overwhelm her after so long without talking. Just send a text that is nice and also gives her a way out just in case she doesn’t want to respond. I know that part doesn’t sound like something good but you don’t want her to feel trapped and if you give her an out and she still responds, then it means that she really did want to talk to you! By giving an out I don’t mean saying “you don’t have to reply if you don’t want to” I mean sending a message that doesn’t really need a reply and is still nice like “hey just saw some of your favourite fruit on sale at the store, I thought you’d wanna know?”
See it doesn’t really ask for a response but she can if she’d like to.
If she does respond to you, try to end the conversation as quickly as possible afterwards. The goal here is to gradually start building those conversations bigger and bigger but to start small. You also have to be interesting and confident during those chats because that’ll make you more attractive to her
Thanks
So even tho she is having fun texting other friends I should wait? As said before we already spoke for about an hour yesterday. Should I just do what you said? Not call, just texts, end the conversation quick? How often should I start off doing this? Once a week, twice or more?By other friends do you mean other guys? And what was this call like, what was the overall atmosphere of the call? Was it flirty or just friendly?
I’m not invited to these calls lol, it’s a mix of girls and guys from her college acting class, they are a tightly nit group. I believe it is friendly conversation.
I just did what you said sent a quick message saying how my weird cousin invited me to a “furry party” (the one where people dress up like animals) didn’t say if I was going or not.
If the call was just friendly then you have to make sure she doesn’t see you as a friend because after all you want her back and not just as a friend.
If you can call a couple times (maybe twice/week to start) a week it would be a good basis to start building that attraction again. After about 2- 2 1/2 weeks of good positive calls from your ex it might be possible to meet up with them
Hi John Crane, Your plan sounds great:) Just don’t overwhelm her with texts and calls. You were together 2 years so that means you’ve both gone through the excitement stage into the more comfortable stage. It doesn’t mean the love is gone, but that the initial “honeymoon” phase has passed. Sometimes people think of it as ‘falling out of love’ and it worries them, but it’s a normal transition. A word of caution: keep arguments to an absolute minimum as it will cause a “divide” like she described. Settle any disagreements (which should be few and far between) in a calm manner always respecting the other viewpoint. Good luck and stay positive..
Alright sounds good, if after seeing her for weeks and she seems interested (she’s very stubborn it’s highly unlikely she will take the first step) should I make a move? And how should I go about it?
Does she like those kind of things? Because with the messages you want to say something that makes her see you in a positive way or bring a smile to her face.
To go about making to move to in person just say something along the lines of “we’ve been talking for a while and I was thinking that maybe it’d be fun to catch up in person, do you want to go for coffee?”
Make sure not to call it a date though. It might freak her out
Patricia12
Thanks for the advice! So… start off texting slow, move into more texting, then calls… more calls, meets and so on?
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