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It’s so hard because all of my friends know of our relationship and how good of a couple we were. Whenever she comes up, I have to repeat myself to the friends that don’t know, and that just makes me sad all over again. It’s not something I can control, but I have learned to just speak the truth and take it as it is. There’s no way around it, and the only thing I can take away from all of this is becoming a better me. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
I understand those factors are taxing, but I don’t know if I want to ask our mutual friends how she’s doing and whatnot. I’m afraid it’s just going to get back to her and I’m also afraid of these sinking feelings resurfacing again. If word gets back to her about me, I only want her to know that I’ve been doing well without her, and that I am improving myself. It’s not so much out of spite than it is proving to myself that I am a strong and confident man, with the ability to rebound after a loss.
Good luck M & C! You can always rant in here if something happens, I will do my best to help and offer a piece of my mind. 🙂
I understand that people enjoy having time to themselves and the lack of it may generate fights. I think a healthy balance of both space and hanging out with each other is essential, and I believe that in my case, we might’ve given each other our free time and not enough for ourselves. As busy as she gets, I am equally as busy, but we still managed to find time for each other.
It’s really a kick in the butt to know that I was suffocating her and not allowing her to be her true self in front of me. I deeply regret my selfish self, but I am so grateful to be able to speak to people who have the ability to help me get back on my feet and look at things from a positive perspective. I think change in myself is something that she would definitely enjoy, but it still hurts me to this day on what she thought about the relationship before the break up. I know it’s a long shot, but I really do hope this NC works and I can get back into her good books. It’s such a struggle every day, but I think the mental fortitude that I build is going to be that much stronger by the end of this.
Recently, my friend posted a picture on social media and I know for a fact that she has seen it. I have the biggest smile on my face and I wore a new sweater knowing that I might be taking a picture! I know it isn’t really showing her that I am changing and becoming better, but I think it does make it seem like that I can live life without her. Although it wasn’t directly my picture, I know she saw it. This sucks because there were a few couples at this gathering and I missed her so much when I saw their love. I think it helps me generate more motivation to get her back and also to be the best I can be.
On a side note, I am eternally grateful to you, @amcee. You’ve been helping me through this day by day. I really hope I can be able to help you as much as you’ve been helping me!
I understand that she may be hurt and that she needs to uphold this strong demeanor of hers. It makes sense but I’m still not certain that’s how she feels. Every day, another conflicting thought pops into my head. I’m so scared that she’ll find her single life so enjoyable that she just won’t care for relationships any time in the near future. Especially with someone so career-oriented, I feel like she won’t let her feelings take over what needs to be done.
I know that if I present myself as a confident and changed man, she may see me in a different light. But how am I supposed to show her that I’ve learned not to be as passive-aggressive to the ones I love? I don’t normally show my passive-aggressive side unless it’s triggered by others who really annoy me or by those I’m super comfortable with. All I have will be my words, and nothing to show for it. I could let her know that I’ve been reading books on improving myself and how I treat others, but how well will it connect with someone who may still be hurt? I don’t want to miss my window of opportunity…I know it won’t last forever, yet I still want to give her free time and space, which is what she was yearning for in the beginning.
I’m not as sad as I was anymore…I can actually eat more and I feel mentally stronger with every passing day. I know love ain’t easy, and it requires a lot of hard work and dedication, I’m just curious as hell what she’s up to right now and how she feels. Why must NC be so hard even when you’re preoccupied with things?!
@amcee Haha it’s a long shot, but only time will tell! So what you’re suggesting is I should not get her a gift…but more of a showing that I’ve changed for the better? I also don’t want to come on too strong if I give her too big or too long of a hug…What I usually do with people is just that I give them a brief hug and say nice to see you.
I am paddling like crazy but the mornings are the worst >< I wake up and it’s always a sudden realization that she’s not my girlfriend anymore and it just hurts. I’m usually quite a positive person, but this thing is nothing I’ve ever imagined.
I was talking to a mutual friend today, and he tells me that she seems like she’s been doing well and she feels like she has a lot more free time. I’m happy to see that she’s finally less stressed and that she has more time to do what she wants to do, but at the same time, it kills me on the inside that I was the problem for her. It may be a front, it may not be, but if she is indeed happier without me, I’d be so torn.
Another little thing I do want to know is, I have something of hers still. She doesn’t really use it, but it does belong to her. She mentioned it to a friend jokingly that I still have it, but I don’t know how much of a joke it really was. As she doesn’t really use it but I have more of a use for it, should I even consider giving it back to her? In the case that I do give it back to her, I don’t want to break NC, but at the same time, how do I give it to her without doing that?
Thanks,
Kneechan@amcee It’s okay, we learn from our mistakes, and I think it always takes something drastic for us to fully realize what we have and what we need to learn. I really hope the rebound situation works in your favour, but only time will tell. I, for one, am super grateful I have this to share my feelings with those who are in similar shoes as I. You are correct, I am all for improving myself and making myself emotionally, physically, and morally stronger. Reading and playing sports has really driven up my mood!
It’s funny how you use the mother/father example, because that’s exactly the same example my coworker used to describe this ordeal with me. I do love her, and I do want her to be happy, seeing her happy does make me happy, which is why I will take my time getting her back, because she is worth every single second. Not to mention, it will give me time to sort myself out and show not just her, but everyone that I am improving for the better. Her love and lack of love has both hurt and motivated me to better myself, so I am eternally grateful.
That is a really wonderful quote…that may just be the motto that I’m looking for to sum everything up. I never understood what people meant when they say you gotta fight for love…but I think I understand it a little more now. It’s actually a fight…but it’s an internal fight with yourself. Temptations to give up, temptations to break NC, temptations to move on… It’s all a big war. I guess it’s true when they say you are your own worst enemy.
Anyhow, I am very thankful for this conversation and I will continue onwards with life. To better myself is the goal…but first I must take the gut wrenching journey to get there.
One last question before I head to bed…Since Christmas is in the spirit of giving, and our NC stops in about three weeks…should I even think about getting her a Christmas present? Just as a caring friend, not even an ex or a boyfriend. I know exactly what she wants, but I’m just afraid that she’d feel obligated to get me something too, and I don’t want to scare her away. Thoughts?
@amcee Thank you for the reply. I’m sorry to hear that it did not work out in your favour, I really wish relationships weren’t so hard 🙁 I really hope this change will bring her back to me, I know it’s not supposed to be for her, but part of it is for me as much as it is for her since I want to salvage this relationship.
Thank you for your suggestions, amcee. I totally agree with you, and I do believe that I am too quick to defend myself or my opinions, which leads to arguments. This breakup has led me to a great deal of self-actualization, my only wish is that I would’ve realized it sooner. You’re right though, I owe it to her and myself to improve my personality. At this moment, I think I will go to the Christmas party, because I believe I will be emotionally and mentally stable by then. Even for the past week of self reflection and improvement, I have already felt more at peace with myself. I will be my own goofy self and have as much fun as I can, and try to make her fall in love with me again!
I have a question: If either amcee or patricia12 or both can answer, what if we have a mutual whatsapp group? Do I still talk normally to others and pretend everything is normal? Or should I just message these people privately and talk in a separate individual chat? I don’t know if by me talking in there, it will affect my progress. She hasn’t been speaking in there, but she’s still there.
@patricia12 It’s okay, thank you for replying. I asked her what her definition of emotional support was and she didn’t even know herself. She did know, however, she didn’t like it when I got mad at her. I know, at times, she was feeling super stressed out from her school and work and I got under her skin even more by getting mad at various things. I realized this as she was describing how she felt as we were breaking up. Unfortunately, I realized too late but I am determined to win her back. I have been reading up on how to be less passive-aggressive and less condescending, because I don’t want my loved ones to feel like they’ve been emotionally abused by me. I believe her lack of communication of feelings also was brought by her lack of confidence in being able to express her feelings to me, because she’d just feel like she would receive a negative outcome.
what do you think when someone tells you they actually felt relieved when they broke up with you? Because that’s exactly what she told me.
I do believe she is hurt and numb from the pain I caused her. She has mentioned that she doesn’t even know if she wants a boyfriend right now. She just wants to do her and she wants to be able to hang out with friends and family without having to worry about another commitment. My question is though, if she were to fall back in love, would the end result be different? As in, instead of looking at this relationship as something to worry about, it’s something that comes naturally and something you have to take in account anyway? It doesn’t make sense to me.
I am definitely putting the 30 day NC into effect, I feel much better because of it actually. I was actually able to eat a full meal earlier. The sinking feeling actually came right after I finished eating, but it was gone after about 5 minutes of it.
I have to say that I have learned a lot throughout the past couple of days just doing some researching on how to improve myself. After all, if I can’t take care of myself, how can I expect to take care of others? I believe I displayed signs of comfortability and complacency when I allowed myself to not do the little things anymore. If I kept her emotions and wants in check, I believe I wouldn’t have gotten to this stage.
I will keep you updated with the gift and the party as the days roll by…I believe it’s a decision that I will have to make when the time comes. At this point, overthinking it is just going to drive me nuts.
-kneechan
