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i don’t think the fact that this guy snorts pills rules him out of the rebound zone. let’s think about this rationally… a guy who snorts drugs is not a long term keeper.
in my opinion, she is just trying to avoid being alone. i actually think this is her desperately trying to not be alone. i think the fact that this guy is a loser reinforces the fact that she’s on the rebound. you should view this as her willing to take any dude that comes along just so she doesn’t have to be alone.
reminder: you are not on the table for her, you can’t compare yourself to these fools.
@atea1234, i can relate to so many things that you say! accepting the difference between feeling “lonely” and “alone” is something i struggle with on a daily basis. i’ve never thought of it in those terms, but there is a difference. it’s so funny you say that you go to cafes and museums on your own. one of the goals i set for myself was to go for coffee/a meal on my own. i’ve only done it once in my life. i mentioned that to my best friend and she laughed at me and said she does it all the time. she has a lot more confidence than i do. for me its hard. it just feels like a reminder that i don’t have my ex. i also think you’re right about not beating myself up about reaching out to him once or twice. typically, i’m so type-a when i make a mistake i beat myself up over it… and i’m doing that now, but i have to be realistic. allowing myself to make mistakes is so hard for me and i guess it’s part of the learning experience i have to go through while i’m on my own.
i think i’m going to spend this storm watching movies, reading the message boards and trying to feel ok. thanks for all of your advice. how are you today?
thank you for the positive support. i appreciate all the details you guys provided.
this might sound weird, but even knowing this is a short term nc that my ex doesn’t want… i’m still kind of struggling. there is a snow storm right now and i am super bored! i’ve found that when i’m stuck in my apartment i get particularly lonely and insecure. i know i have movies to watch, books to read, and this forum to post on… but it’s still tough.
i’m trying to stay strong. but, in some ways it’s hard knowing that if i called he would pick up and be nice. it puts a lot of pressure on me to execute the nc b/c he doesn’t want it. i keep trying to remind myself this is best but being lonely is just… arghh… for a lack of a better word.
does anyone else find that its hard to do nc when you have less to do?
&atea1234 & @labound, it’s kind of crazy that i’ve never met either of you, yet am valuing your words of wisdom so much! i’m super torn btwn no contact/minimal contact and figuring out what to do, yet your advisee has helped me come up with a plan i feel good about.i’m going to tell you what i said so far, but would love both of your opinions on this plan, b/c i really value what you have to say.
this morning my ex started calling/texting me like things were normal (i.e. back together). i ignored his advances for contact b/c i was busy at work (nyc mega snow storm over here). finally, he called once i was off work and i picked up. he asked why i was ignoring him and i explained that i was very grateful for the fact that he offered to give up other women in exchange for staying in touch with him… but it felt like a short term fix to a long term problem. i told him i needed some time to work on myself to be a better person and partner and suggested we don’t talk for three weeks. i guess that was an arbitrary amount of time, but in the moment it seemed reasonable to me. i brought up the fact that he was a jerk to me while he was drunk this weekend and said that clearly we both have some anger and resentment we need to get over and that taking time to reflect on our feelings and grieve/forgive is imperatively important. he said that while he doesn’t want the time apart, if that’s what i think we both need he’ll respect it because he too wants the best for us in the long term. at that point he asked me if i still expected him not to see other people. i told him to do whatever he wanted b/c i didn’t want to control him during this time where we both had freedom. that being said, i told him that i’m a bit concerned about how much stake he puts on affection from other women and would hope he’d consider that when he decides what he wants to do.
do you guys think i was too controlling? do you think i was reasonable? while this felt right for me, i’m very open to the opinions of those who have had similar experiences. hope you are well today!
When we were younger my ex used to talk about needing to experience more and get shit out of his system… but he stopped saying that a year ago. lord knows over the past six years he has had ample opportunity to get stuff out of his system! i don’t think lack of experience is his problem, i think it’s something a bit more serious… something surrounding how much confidence he derives from other women’s attention, but also something about how he takes me/our relationship for granted. If he were to just go out and date other women right now I don’t see how that would solve our problems. i think he needs to work on himself. based on what his specific issues are, i’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how enabling him to see a bunch of girls will help. i guess i need to trust that he will work on the rest on his own… but it just makes me so nervous about how much of his self worth comes from attention from other women. it’s actually kind of weird. I’m scared he won’t see that continuing to fuel that could be counter productive. I’m a bit skeptical about NC in terms of how it will better him. But I do see the benefits of NC for myself. I really need some time on my own… I guess I just wish he would truly benefit from it too. Either way, I’m going to try…
I think everything you said is valid. I think before I say anything to him I need to take a few days to compose my thoughts and then write him an email saying that i appreciate that he offered to stop seeing other people but what i really need is some time and space. i genuinely want this to work and if being in one another’s lives is going to hurt those chances then its not worth the risk.
@atea1234, i really appreciate your honesty. i think deep down i know that going down the same path is just going to be another disaster… i’m just secretly hoping that’s not the case. i need to do something different this time and i think nc is the way to go.@LAbound, it’s awesome how clearly you are seeing her intentions. I can relate to the instinct to overanalyze, but in this case, the only thing you need to know is that you asked for space, and she didn’t give it to you. totally selfish! you really keep stealing the power back 🙂
Way to be strong @Nick1234!! I think you made the right move.
I also like that my ex doesn’t necessarily know what I’m doing. Basically, this weekend I did not do very much. I watched Pitch Perfect and Friends with my best friend (Friday and Saturday night, so super lame) but when I spoke to my ex tonight and he asked about my weekend I said “it was great! I tried a new gym class that was really challenging and here are all the things that i liked about it”. I was telling the truth about the gym class but left out the parts where I would have looked totally pathetic…
thanks everyone for the great advise! i took @LAbound ‘s advice and when my ex called me tonight i told him that i loved him, and would want to share a future with him but the on and off nature of the relationship and the overwhelming roller coaster ride it creates is not sustainable and needs to change. he said he completely agrees and just doesn’t know quite how to do that. he proposed getting back together and i declined b/c i think i need to gain some self confidence and independence to truly be a better partner in the long run. there’s something about the dynamic of our relationship that doesn’t bring out the best in me and i need to change that in order to make it work. i also told my ex about the things i would be looking for him to change too. he said he agreed & asked how i wanted to proceed. this is where things got a little sticky. initially, i proposed no contact (for obvious reasons) but he did not like that idea. he said if i need space to figure some things out on my own that’s ok, but that he’d like to be able to talk a little bit and catch up once a week. i said i couldn’t have him in my life if he was going to continue to see other people. it distracts me from focusing on myself and makes me paranoid b/c whenever i’m not hearing from him i’m assuming he’s with someone else. he’s also been unfaithful in the past and i truly think he needs some time without female attention to develop some of his own self worth (he’s always gotten a lot of female attention and has really thrived on it). he said he would stop seeing other women so i agreed to trying that. do you guys think this is a mistake?
part of me is worried that by having him as a safety net i might not truly develop the independence i need. i’m also worried that by asking him not to see other women i’m controlling him in a way that he might resent down the line. in all honesty, if he wants to see other women, i can live with that… but i would need to be in a no contact scenario b/c otherwise i would get too curious. i tried to give him a choice & make him feel like he was the one deciding which course of action we took… hopefully, making him feel like it was his idea will help.
@Nell I’m actually in therapy now. I’ll bring up the boundary issue in my next session. great suggestion!so i’m just going to keep venting on this thread, b/c so long as i’m typing this i’m not texting my ex!
last night, in a moment of weakness i called my ex. he didn’t pick up. a few hours later i texted him that it was important and to call me back so he did. we briefly spoke. he was out with his friends and drunk. after saying all week that he wanted to get back together, last night he was actually rude to me. he made a snide comment about something i did that pissed him off like 6 months ago but immediately apologized for it. clearly though, he’s still harboring some anger.
all week i said i thought we needed a break, even though he said he wanted to get back together. well last night i told him i wanted to get back together and that i missed him (this was after he was already rude, what is wrong with me?!). i was particularly vulnerable b/c one of my best friends is very sick and being worried about losing her is making me want to hold on closer to my other loved ones (including my ex). when i told him how i felt he said i wasn’t approaching this the right way and we could talk about it more when he wasn’t drunk. i said ok, but i asked him not to hook up with any other girls until we at least spoke and decided what our plans were. well this really pissed him off and he refused to promise not to hook up with someone. he said we’re broken up right now so he’s free to do whatever he wants. then we got off the phone. i texted him a couple of hours ago asking if he had any time to talk today and he never responded.
this is the most confusing roller coaster! i can’t stop replaying this conversation in my head. also, i’ve managed to convince myself that the reason he hasn’t texted me back is because he slept with some girl last night and is spending the day with her. i’m not even upset about that b/c i feel threatened… i’m just upset b/c i think that’s rude. even while he was being a jerk last night he was still saying he wants to get back together. clearly he thinks he can just have me whenever he wants and treat me however he wants. this feels awful! i know i have to change the precedent here but it is really hard.
so sorry for rambling! thanks to anyone who read through 🙂
@atea1234 I read somewhere (it might have been on this website actually) that while time heals all, what you do with that time makes a huge difference in how long it takes to heal. i too feel like I’m just sitting around and waiting… and that feels crappy! we need to find the strength to make this time work to our advantage. i know the feeling of being pretty miserable all day and then getting caught up in a day dream about our future together and suddenly i catch myself smiling. it feels good for a minute, and then when i realize it’s not real i feel worse again. it’s kind of nice to come on this forum and know other people can relate.
i’m also very much of a control freak and a planner. when i can’t control my ex it makes me feel powerless and desperate to control him. it turns into a vicious cycle!it might sound crazy to want to control someone, but really what i mean is that i want him to see things from my view. for example, over thanksgiving my ex decided he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore (i could immediately tell something terrible was up) but we wound up staying together through the holidays until early january. during that weird grey period i kept trying to reason with him… explain to him that what he was feeling was temporary. i tried to point out the fact that every time he feels slightly unfulfilled in the relationship he breaks up with me only for a few weeks or months later to realize he made a mistake. i begged him to see the pattern & fix it. low and behold history repeated itself! i feel like i saw this coming, tried to stop it but couldn’t. i keep telling myself if only he listened to me we would be fine! somewhere deep down i know that he has to identify these patterns on his own and want to fix it. but i’m having a hard time accepting that there’s nothing i can do about it. patience is a virtue that i absolutely lack.
i think I’m going to try no initiated contact. if he reaches out to me, i may or may not respond. maybe this is a mistake, but i think this is where i need to at least start. i also think 6 months is a reasonable time frame. as much as i want us to be able to get back together immediately and be fine, i think i have to face reality.
@LAbound Do you think I should actually say those things to him? While they should be true, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of self confidence and unfortunately am not in the place today where I could walk away. My goal is to reach a place where I truly do have boundaries and limits and needs that I won’t compromise (even for him) but I’m just not there yet. I’m worried if I were to say it before I felt ready I could end up just losing credibility.
I’ve seen a lot on here about focusing on new hobbies or exercise. And those might help make me feel better, but any suggestions for developing personal boundaries? Also, did you try being false friends at any point with your ex?
@atea1234 i think you and i are doing something similar and it’s extremely detrimental for both of us. we are focusing on our exes instead of on ourselves. we can’t control whether or not they will come back to us in the way we want them to or if they will even come back at all. focusing on when they’ll come back or why or with who they’ve been with in the interim will just drive us nuts. this is time we should be spending on ourselves! last week i found that i was focusing on myself (it was actually happening naturally) and i felt pretty good. this was even before my ex started reaching out! i felt more confident than i have in awhile. then, as soon as my ex reached out i just got sucked back into focusing on the relationship. i’ve been obsessing over when this break will end. all weekend i’ve been wondering if he’s slept with someone, and if so, if he’s spending the day with her doing activities he would have done with me. it sucks and i’m making myself feel so much worse! i just don’t know how to get a grip and stop this!
i think the fact that your ex left the door open is a blessing and a curse. it’s nice b/c it can be comforting when you feel lonely… but it could really prevent you from moving on. i would encourage you to move on sooner rather than later- but what i mean is move on with yourself, not necessarily get over your ex. you don’t need to make any decisions about your ex today or tomorrow, you have the freedom to take it day by day. if you focus on yourself and your feelings lessen for him over time, that’s ok. i’m sure if he were to come back you’d feel just as passionately again b/c love generally doesn’t just vanish. i don’t think moving on means the end of your relationship. it just might mean some peace of mind. obviously it’s much easier said than done… i’m just proposing being open to the idea of moving on.
the thing i’m really struggling with is not if i’ll have a chance again with my ex, but how to make this time productive enough so that when he comes back it sticks. i keep wondering how long we have to be apart for real change to happen for me or for him. i really have no idea though. i’m going to try and keep no contact going (and by going i mean starting b/c i already reached out today only to be ignored). i feel like i know how to get my ex back so i know that nc really does work, but it’s navigating the waters of how to get him back PERMANENTLY that’s stressing me out.
i’m 26 btw.
If my ex makes the changes, I definitely want him back. But I feel like if we’re not in contact or I’m not guiding him he won’t make changes at all (even though he says he wants to). It’s hard for me to just remove myself from the situation. The scenario that I’m terrified of is that we take some time off, I am under the impression he is working on himself, and then we try to get back together a few months down the line and it’s the same old bullshit. I don’t want to waste any more time. This fear has made no contact impossible over the past two days! I just feel myself spiraling into a funk and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like I have no self control. Is that something that ever happened to you?
@LAbound you really are an inspiration. at times my break up feels so daunting and overwhelming and i get lost in a fear that the misery will last forever. to read this thread with so much positivity and strength gives me hope for myself too. i am personally torn about whether i want my ex back or not, the break up is still new and i’m pretty much all over the crazy map right now. when i feel so sad it’s hard for me to focus on bettering myself, but i’m definitely motivated to try after seeing how it has helped others on this forum. stay strong!
