does anyone want to try and move on?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through that. I know it’s tough to have those conflicting emotions. And I understand you not wanting to stay stuck in that on again off again cycle, did that myself a bit.

I know there are many that have posted on the boards in the past who have let the relationship go. Some people during NC realize that their partner or the relationship was not healthy and decided it would be best to move on. I’m at that point myself. I still come here for support with NC, but I don’t want my ex back because I know he isn’t going to change or do the work (he even said so). I also recognized how unhealthy our relationship was and gained confidence and got my self worth back during NC, which makes it easy to walk away from the mistreatment.

Ultimately, I believe that your partner should want to do the work and commit to changing that aspect of himself if he wants you back. I don’t know if there is anything you can do to help or fix these issues of his, and that would be a huge responsibility to put on yourself.

I don’t want to sway you either way in your decision, it’s yours alone to make. My best advice would be to take some time to think about what you really want. If your ex is sincere about making it work and making changes and you get back with him, I think it will be important for you to set some clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept from him. He has to know that if he keeps doing this to you, you will walk away.

@ms n. u, i feel like I’m in a very similar situation to you. my ex and i have gone on two “breaks” before this legitimate breakup. one when we were about 19 that lasted about 4 months of being in an “open relationship” and again when we were 21 which lasted probably around 3 months but we never stopped talking/seeing each other. the first time i tried to restrict what he could do. we had limits on what we could do with others, how many times we could be with them, etc. and we spoke all day everyday still. it sounds so silly when i think back to it. ultimately i told him i couldn’t take it anymore and gave him an ultimatum so he came back to me. the second break, we didn’t speak for like a week but then started talking everyday and seeing each other a lot and it was just a matter of time before we made it “official” again. i initiated the conversation after 3 months but we were basically together anyway and knew we would be going forward so it didn’t even feel like much of a break. now, we’ve been in this breakup 4 months. I’m embarrassed to say that i tried the same manipulations this time. i asked to put a time frame around this “break”, i tried to see him, to be friendly. i sent him love letters reminding him of all our good times. whiles he’s always responsive and nice and respectful, he is dead set on staying with this. he told me if we get back together it must be because he’s POSITIVE I’m the girl who he wants going forward. he told me this week he thinks i might really be the one but he absolutely needs to prove this to himself by dating and getting to know other girls. he told me maybe it will mean casually dating for a few months and he will see its difficult to find what we had with someone else, or maybe he will date someone seriously – that he is definitely open to that. he doesnt want to put a time limit on this, wants us to stay in touch and be on good terms. he tells me he loves me but if he just dated me straight through for 10 years and married me he would always wonder what would’ve happened if we took time off. he says now if we end up together he will know that I’m who he wants forever and the relationship will be much stronger. and he says if one or both of us actually meet someone else who we want to date seriously then we’ll know this probably wasn’t meant to be.

sorry for the rant, but i know EXACTLY how you’re feeling! i feel like my whole body is in so much pain constantly. i never wanted to live without him and didn’t think i could. I’m slowly seeing that i can be ok without him, but I’m so much happier with him. i can only hope he comes to this conclusion after some time apart. from everything he’s said though i fear even if he does come back it will be years from now and that is unbearable. i think in my mind he has about a year tops to decide. its been 4 months already so we will see what happens over the next 8. i also fear that I’m wasting so much time planning, expecting, and hoping he’ll be back. but he’s never guaranteed me this. he’s told me he does see himself coming back and committing to me one day and he genuinely hopes this time apart will make him want to do that but that i shouldn’t wait around because theres no way to know for sure what will happen in the future or who we’ll meet, etc. I’m not so worried about my ex not working on himself during this time but we had a pretty overall healthy relationship. any drama we’ve had i think has come from the fact that we started dating at 15 and 16 and he’s always felt he needed to really experience and get to know other girls before he could settle down with anyone. i don’t want to waste time sitting around and pining for him if he will actually take years away from me or if he might even meet someone else who he would rather be with. the future is all so up in the air – he’s left the door wide open but there is no way to know what will happen when. i also fear if he comes back too soon he will leave again. so constantly i wonder what an appropriate amount of time is away. i think taking more than a year makes it very unlikely to reconcile, but is 6 months or so really enough time for him to get this all out of his system? theres really no sure answer for any of it and it drives me insane. I’m so guilty of breaking nc way too often. he always tries to answer honestly but i usually feel like i took multiple steps backwards every time i reach out. i also feel like I’m in a funk – like ill never be out of this dark hole unless he comes back to me and he might never and even if he does it will be years from now. i also fear he is really moving on and happy while i am home alone and miserable. i feel i have no self control often with reaching out. my best advice is not to be so hard on yourself. so what if i break nc a few times? overall after 7 years i don’t think it will change much. he knows how i feel and still will ply come back if he really wants to, regardless of what i say. I’m really trying to make it through 3 months nc so i can give him time and space to explore others and give us more of a clean break as i think maybe it will speed up the process, but i know i might be very tempted to break it.

sorry for the rant!! how old are you can i ask? and how long have you been in nc? any updates on your situation?

@ms n. u, everything you said is sooo true. i focus so much more on him than i do myself and some days i feel like its truly out of control. i tend to be a bit of a control freak and a planner and the fact that i have absolutely zero control over if and when he will want to come back makes me crazy. i took think every saturday night about who he is possibly sleeping with. is it someone consistent? does he take her for brunch the next day? are they starting a relationship? its a double edge sword. i think for my ex to come back and be committed in the way i want him to, he needs to have these other experiences with girls. besides me, his only experiences were a couple of one night stands while we were in college. i don’t even think he’s hooked up with any girl other than me more than once or twice. he will never commit to me unless he has those flings that last a few weeks or months and then die down or unless he spends significant time with another girl and realizes the relationship doesnt stack up to what we have. so as much as it sickens me to think about, if i want any hope of him to returning to me, i need to give him the freedom and space to explore. i have PROMISED myself if he comes back never to ask who or what he did while we were apart. I’ve made this mistake in the past and it haunts me to this day.
what you said about him leaving the door open as being a blessing and a curse is truly spot on. on one hand, if he had told me it was over for good i think i would absolutely be crushed right now. the only thing that gets me through a lot of days is the hope that he’ll be back one day. but its also such a bad thing because i do not allow myself to move on.i feel like i am passing the time just waiting for him to be ready, and the truth is, it could take years or might never happen. its not like i sit in bed all day – I’ve been exercising, spending time with friends, focusing on grad school, reading self help books, etc. but he is always in the back of my mind 24/7 and sometimes i even find myself fantasizing about us getting back together and it seems thats the only time i feel truly happy! i also believe exes usually only come back when the other person has moved on. my ex knows how i feel and i think its enabling him to take all this time and freedom without doubting for one second that ill be there when he’s ready. i think the only way to really try to move forward is through nc.i can only hope in time that i will get sick of waiting for him, meet someone else, or just naturally move on. i try my best but i feel like right now I’m almost in denial because i have too much hope – i also for some reason have hope and believe he will be back around april or may but this is SO random. i have no idea why i could possibly think that. i need to try to move on…so much easier said than done as you said but its really my only option now. even if my ex does come back, it wont be anytime soon.
its hard to say how much time apart is really appropriate before reconciling for enough change to be made. i read somewhere that most successful reconciliations happen 6 months-a year because people have had time to evaluate the breakup, make changes and improve, and still want to keep the relationship going. lass than 6 months usually isn’t enough time for real change and more than a year (although i know it happens), i personally just believe a lot of times too much time has gone by. personally, if i ever do actually get over my ex and he tries to come back after that time i think theres no way i could do it once I’ve gotten over the hurt i think the door will be forever closed. i have no idea how long this will take, but i think its unrealistic to think spending more than a year away would be productive for our future.
personally i think its very unfair of your ex to call you, tell you he wants you back, and then today ignore you. its sending so many mixed signals and its so confusing. i don’t doubt he loves you very much, but he is clearly not ready to reconcile. i would stay stick with the nc as best as you can – don’t beat yourself up if you slip up and text him, but it sounds like nc is ready for your situation because i don’t think it will be healthy for either of you to be “friends” and it doesnt seem either of you are ready to reconcile. i think the 6-7 month mark might be an appropriate time to start discussing the subject. how long have you been apart for now?

just read your latest post! i really think for your own benefit you really need to try your best for nc. i can’t blame you because I’m so guilty of doing exactly what you did last night but i stopped 3 weeks after the breakup. i never call him anymore as hearing his voice is too painful. i only text when i want to talk. and i try to only reach out if I’m happy and upbeat and see something that reminds me of him and remind him of my existence haha every time i reach out and ask him about the relationship he just tells me he’s not sure and needs time and I’m left feeling like i wish i hadn’t reached out. discussing the relationship right now is so counterproductive. don’t beat yourself up but just be patient with yourself and give it some time. you’re a couple months behind me. i wont tell you i feel “good” now, but it does get a little easier and more normal with time

You asked if I had feelings of spiraling out of control or having no self control. I didn’t go through that. I’m stubborn and was determined to stick to NC. My ex had gotten pretty nasty with me at the end, so it made it easy to not talk to him, haha. I also had some projects and schooling that I was working on, so I think focusing on that helped me. I do know how you feel in a funk, went through that totally. Still do sometimes.

Don’t put too much thought into what he said while drunk, because…he was drunk. I wouldn’t worry too much about another girl right now either, he may just be angry and hung over and ignoring your text. I went through this with my ex when we broke up. I wouldn’t recommend trying to talk to him if he is hung over either.

As far as working on boundaries, I went to therapy for a while and that was something we talked about a lot. I have always had trouble with boundaries in my relationships and we worked on that quite a bit. Sometimes having someone trained and knowledgeable in that field can really help you see where you can improve and what you need to do. I agree with LAbound that you should tell him those things. I think he needs to know that you are serious.