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personally, i think this is a mistake, but thats just my opinion. he’s been unfaithful in the past. he has had interest in hooking up with other girls. i know how much this pains you and believe me, i feel physically like someone punched me in the stomach thinking about my ex with someone else, but you are controlling him still. you need to really set him free. let him experience and date other girls. he loves you. none of it will mean anything. in fact, it will probably make him appreciate you more. i truthfully believe he will present you down the line if you don’t give him all of this time now. nc is really difficult. i think you should tell him you think nc will be best for your healing now (which it will). i do think knowing you have him as a safety net and you can reconcile at any time and talk at any time will prevent you from making the progress you need to make. i truly believe in order to break the cycle you need a reset button. i think only by going nc and allowing him the freedom to get all of this seeing other girls out of his system will this be possible. i made this mistake with my ex about 15 months before the most recent breakup. we agreed not to get back together but not to see other people and just give it some time. we ended up talking so much and getting back together too quickly. i wish i would’ve just allowed him to experiment with other girls back then because it would’ve prevented all the pain and heart ache i have this time around.
i think you should both be free to see other people otherwise it is not a true breakup, which i think is necessary to break the cycle. it seems like the solution you chose is helping you short term (right now), but i fear it wont allow you to find happy, long term relationship with him for the future. worry about the future of your relationship, not the now. i know its so tough. i would tell him you need nc. HE broke up with you and HE cheated on you, so you owe him nothing. even if he wants to keep in contact, it will hinder your healing. what i would do is ask him to respect your space and tell him you will contact him in a few weeks when you’re ready. get through 30 days nc and you will already feel in a better place. after that, you can decide if you are ok occasionally reaching out to catch up. i wouldn’t put a once a week rule on it. i did 30 days with nc then reached out to catch up. then back to nc and he reached out 3 weeks later. then i reached out in another 2 weeks but now i have decided to stick to nc indefinitely as talking to him usually hinders my healing. plus, he is essentially getting his cake and eating it too and using me as an emotional crutch. i think the only way to break this on and off cycle is for a clean break and to see other people (as much as it hurts) to appreciate each other and miss each other more. just my opinion. I’m no expert but my ex and i have had agreements like this in the past and never found success. I’m hoping this time if we give it enough time and enough of a true break, we can really break the cycle to find happiness together or both move on if thats what’s meant to be
I think everything you said is valid. I think before I say anything to him I need to take a few days to compose my thoughts and then write him an email saying that i appreciate that he offered to stop seeing other people but what i really need is some time and space. i genuinely want this to work and if being in one another’s lives is going to hurt those chances then its not worth the risk.
@atea1234, i really appreciate your honesty. i think deep down i know that going down the same path is just going to be another disaster… i’m just secretly hoping that’s not the case. i need to do something different this time and i think nc is the way to go.@ms.n.u, i cannot imagine how hard this must be on you. if my ex was not so strong-willed this time i definitely would be trying to come up with a solution similar to the one you posted about. i knew this last year when we broke up – he told me we were too young to settle down and he thought we needed to see other people. i simply could not let it go. he had a brief 2 week fling with a girl but that was that. we only didn’t speak for about a week tops. i think we were both scared to let each other go completely. but in retrospect, did his two week fling with the girl really show him what life would be like without me? did it really confirm his doubts about us being together so young? we did get back together and i wont lie and say this last time around was the best – pure happiness. it lasted 15 months. we were more committed to each other, more in love, and happier than ever. but of course his doubts resurfaced and i think i knew it was always a matter of time. in the back of my head i knew what you know now. this time he feels passionately about dating other girls and really experiencing life away from me. i truthfully think it is the only hope we have of a successful and lasting reconciliation is if he genuinely takes this time and realizes I’m the one for him. from what you’ve said about your ex, i think he needs this time too. if he’s cheated and broken up with you numerous times, he needs this time to be completely free. even though he might not want to admit it yet – let him go with love. tell him you’ll be there if he ever needs anything and you do hope to reconcile down the line but you recognize you have things you want to work on and you want him to take complete time and space to sort out on his own why he keeps cheating and leaving you and to finally once and for all get all of this out of his system
When we were younger my ex used to talk about needing to experience more and get shit out of his system… but he stopped saying that a year ago. lord knows over the past six years he has had ample opportunity to get stuff out of his system! i don’t think lack of experience is his problem, i think it’s something a bit more serious… something surrounding how much confidence he derives from other women’s attention, but also something about how he takes me/our relationship for granted. If he were to just go out and date other women right now I don’t see how that would solve our problems. i think he needs to work on himself. based on what his specific issues are, i’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how enabling him to see a bunch of girls will help. i guess i need to trust that he will work on the rest on his own… but it just makes me so nervous about how much of his self worth comes from attention from other women. it’s actually kind of weird. I’m scared he won’t see that continuing to fuel that could be counter productive. I’m a bit skeptical about NC in terms of how it will better him. But I do see the benefits of NC for myself. I really need some time on my own… I guess I just wish he would truly benefit from it too. Either way, I’m going to try…
do you fear that his desire to get confidence from other girls will continue to be a problem in the future? if he takes you and your relationship for granted then your only choice is really nc. don’t LET him take you for granted. force him to experience life without you and miss you. if he goes on like this for a period of time, maybe he will miss you. its funny, when my ex and i broke up he told me that he hadn’t been appreciating me in the way he should and he hoped maybe some time away from me would make him appreciate me more. i think your ex needs some time away as well – without the privilege of catching up with you once a week! its not really about “enabling” him to see other girls. but its also about not preventing him. he needs to go about dealing with his issues in his own way so i just think placing any boundaries or restrictions is a bit unhealthy and might lead to resentment. if you worry about how much of his self worth comes from other women, voice that to him! tell him your concerns. maybe he should go to a therapist about it. YOU can’t make any decision to better him – he must decide to better himself on his own and unless he makes that decision, the relationship wont work. nc will benefit you right now and that is really your only priority at the moment. i think some time and space for both of you will be a really healthy and productive thing 🙂 don’t lose hope but be patient and don’t look for a a quick or easy fix
Hey. I think that false friendship is okay. Because false friendship doesn’t mean being around each other constantly or talking constantly. He defined it as catching up at least once per week. You two have reached some sort of understanding and are communicating. To go NC would set you back in terms of being emotionally open. He mentioned getting back together and he said he understood when you declined and the reason why.
Even if he is talking to other girls, it shouldn’t stifle your progress.. You two aren’t together and to set stipulations like that only creates an aura of insecurity. You should also date (but do not openly discuss it with your ex). It helps build confidence, it can be fun, and you are single! And there should be no double standards. If he is dating or plans to, you should be able to as well.
Trying to control what each other do during the break up is just a red flag in my opinion. If you two want to work on yourselves for a future relationship, then you need the room to grow and explore things outside of each other. If there are rules in a breakup, then how will it be in the relationship? Do you get what I’m trying to say?
Create space between the both of you, grow, maintain light contact (false friendship) and read relationship rewind. And get rid of the rules. Fight those insecurities. You’re not together. This doesn’t just free him up, it also liberates you! Even if you don’t want to date.. you must become your own person. By telling him you can’t be in contact if he is talking to other women, you are making him responsible for your happiness outside of a relationship. It’s simply not fair for either one of you.
Define the boundaries (not rules). And begin healing and being the best you possible.
I should add that while continuing light contact (if that’s what you choose to do), you should not inquire about him dating or talking to other women. It is not about other people. It is about you. And he shouldn’t be prying into your life either. Because it is not about who you date. It is about him changing for the better, and you being a fully emotionally and mentally secure and independent woman. (aka you changing for the better).
When you feel that you two are ready to make the transition to reconcile, then there can be the conversation and rule that talking to other women in more than a friendly way etc will not be tolerated. And that you are more than willing to walk away. You can say it with confidence (not bitchy) and mean it. Because by that time, you should be more than willing to walk away if not given the proper respect.
Have you read any books on healthy relationships?
Well, I’m officially spamming you.
I need to clarify my situation in comparison to yours. I couldn’t continue false friendship because my ex never mentioned getting back together and never agreed on mutual terms. Instead it was constant mixed signals and even acting like a girlfriend would..but then pull away. Maybe similar to yours, but your case is different because you two are coming to mutual agreements and he mentioned getting back together. My ex didn’t. And my ex, due to my allowance of it, thinks she can do whatever she wants and I’ll just easily forgive her because I did it for almost 9 yrs.
False friendship with your ex is a good idea. Unless you really think it will hinder your progress.
&atea1234 & @labound, it’s kind of crazy that i’ve never met either of you, yet am valuing your words of wisdom so much! i’m super torn btwn no contact/minimal contact and figuring out what to do, yet your advisee has helped me come up with a plan i feel good about.i’m going to tell you what i said so far, but would love both of your opinions on this plan, b/c i really value what you have to say.
this morning my ex started calling/texting me like things were normal (i.e. back together). i ignored his advances for contact b/c i was busy at work (nyc mega snow storm over here). finally, he called once i was off work and i picked up. he asked why i was ignoring him and i explained that i was very grateful for the fact that he offered to give up other women in exchange for staying in touch with him… but it felt like a short term fix to a long term problem. i told him i needed some time to work on myself to be a better person and partner and suggested we don’t talk for three weeks. i guess that was an arbitrary amount of time, but in the moment it seemed reasonable to me. i brought up the fact that he was a jerk to me while he was drunk this weekend and said that clearly we both have some anger and resentment we need to get over and that taking time to reflect on our feelings and grieve/forgive is imperatively important. he said that while he doesn’t want the time apart, if that’s what i think we both need he’ll respect it because he too wants the best for us in the long term. at that point he asked me if i still expected him not to see other people. i told him to do whatever he wanted b/c i didn’t want to control him during this time where we both had freedom. that being said, i told him that i’m a bit concerned about how much stake he puts on affection from other women and would hope he’d consider that when he decides what he wants to do.
do you guys think i was too controlling? do you think i was reasonable? while this felt right for me, i’m very open to the opinions of those who have had similar experiences. hope you are well today!
@ms. n.u, i do think you handled the situation well! i think 3 weeks is a good amount of time to start off with because it doesnt seem too daunting and will allow you to touch base but will also give both of you to spend some time apart and really think about things and create some distance. i think checking in at that point is a great idea and you will see if you feel comfortable talking more and how you want to proceed going forward. and i don’t think you were too controlling. i actually think you are very reasonable. just because he is “free” to date other girls doesnt mean he should use this time as an excuse to go out and get drunk and hookup with as many girls as possible while he’s “allowed”. I’m glad you told him to do what he wanted and that you didn’t want to control him. maybe he will even wonder what you’re doing too. i think it was very fair of you to bring up concerns about how much concern he has regarding affection from other women. this is an issue he needs to confront for you to work things out in the future. i think by raising that point, you will at least cause him to consider this issue he has. i think overall your plan so far sounds like a good one!
btw im in nyc too 🙂 crazy snowstorm going on here!! i will be in my apartment for days responding to these posts!
You made your intentions clear. The way you communicated was great. Three weeks will give you both space to think clearly, and you did the right thing by saying he can do whatever he wants becomes of the freedom factor & you didn’t want to control him. And it was fine that you planted the seed for him to consider maybe not leaning on affection from other women..
You aren’t chasing, and I think you might have the majority of power right now. He is agreeing and respecting your wishes. Now it’s all a matter of you working on yourself, and then coming together with your ex and taking the next steps. hopefully your ex will improve as well. Things are looking great for you.
thank you for the positive support. i appreciate all the details you guys provided.
this might sound weird, but even knowing this is a short term nc that my ex doesn’t want… i’m still kind of struggling. there is a snow storm right now and i am super bored! i’ve found that when i’m stuck in my apartment i get particularly lonely and insecure. i know i have movies to watch, books to read, and this forum to post on… but it’s still tough.
i’m trying to stay strong. but, in some ways it’s hard knowing that if i called he would pick up and be nice. it puts a lot of pressure on me to execute the nc b/c he doesn’t want it. i keep trying to remind myself this is best but being lonely is just… arghh… for a lack of a better word.
does anyone else find that its hard to do nc when you have less to do?
nc is always very difficult for me, but I’ve been doing it on and off for 4 months now so it really has gotten easier. I’m stuck stranded in my apartment in the snowstorm as well and i wish i could call him and chat or we could be snowed in together, but i no longer have the temptation to actually pick up the phone and initiate. i know nothing productive would come from it and I’ve also just kind of gotten used to it. when I’m really tempted, i call a friend instead. one thing my therapist and i have been working through is being able to be “alone” and not “lonely”. i think this is something I’ve struggled with both in and out of my relationship. i relied on my ex a lot for attention and support. i also always was used to having people around going straight from living home with my parents, to living away with all my friends in college for 4 years. my ex and i broke up in september which is right when i moved into nyc and i felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness all the time. i realize now this is something i really need to overcome before possibly reconciling with my ex. i need to learn to be ok on my own. and surprisingly i think I’ve made a lot of progress. i go to museums on my own now, shop on my own, even stop in cafes for lunch or coffee alone. these are all things i ever would have done 4 months ago! i also know if i called or texted my ex he would probably pick up and be nice but it wouldn’t change any of our problems. you need to look at nc as one day at a time. i also try not to put too much pressure on myself if i do slip up and text him. in the grand scheme of things, i don’t think it changes much. but i think going forward its best for my own healing and development. i wont beat myself up if i slip up here and there because he always answers, but for right now I’m trying to stay strong. it does take some pressure off to remind myself I’m only human and all things happen for a reason. try to be strong here. it doesnt seem like it will but it will get easier in time and every time you break nc its like starting the clock all over again. trust me, it might make you feel better in the moment but you will regret it eventually. i find posting to these forums actually makes me feel less tempted to text him than when i try to distract myself by doing something else. sometimes talking ABOUT him is enough to get out of my system the need to text him if that makes any sense
@atea1234, i can relate to so many things that you say! accepting the difference between feeling “lonely” and “alone” is something i struggle with on a daily basis. i’ve never thought of it in those terms, but there is a difference. it’s so funny you say that you go to cafes and museums on your own. one of the goals i set for myself was to go for coffee/a meal on my own. i’ve only done it once in my life. i mentioned that to my best friend and she laughed at me and said she does it all the time. she has a lot more confidence than i do. for me its hard. it just feels like a reminder that i don’t have my ex. i also think you’re right about not beating myself up about reaching out to him once or twice. typically, i’m so type-a when i make a mistake i beat myself up over it… and i’m doing that now, but i have to be realistic. allowing myself to make mistakes is so hard for me and i guess it’s part of the learning experience i have to go through while i’m on my own.
i think i’m going to spend this storm watching movies, reading the message boards and trying to feel ok. thanks for all of your advice. how are you today?
its honestly all a learning process for me. I’m 4 months post breakups and I’ve hit many bumps along the way. i know what you mean about doing things and being reminded you no longer have your ex. i feel that way a lot. but i think its a life lesson thats so important. who knows, maybe i could marry my ex or someone else down the line and end up divorced? its really important i know how to handle being on my own. also 3 weeks is a very achievable goal. i know it doesnt seem that way, but you can absolutely do it. it took me a while to get there. first i was able to go 10 days, then 12, etc. then I’ve had some sports of reaching out every 2-3 days but i eventually made it to 30.
I’m actually feeling a bit hopeless the past few days. my ex has continuously told me this breakup was necessary for him to confirm that I’m genuinely the girl he wants to commit to. it means him dating other girls (both seriously and casually) and spending significant time away from me. theres really not much i can do. we had a great relationship – great chemistry, families loved each other, always had fun together, very natural, few arguments. he told me he knows he loves me so much and our connection is special but if he doesnt take this time now he’ll always resent me and wonder his whole life what else might have been out there. he’s told me repeatedly he hopes this time off will bring him back to me and confirm his feelings to strengthen our relationship, but he can’t say for sure what will happen and i shouldn’t wait around. i just feel hopeless because theres seriously nothing i can do besides wait it out. its been 4 months and i don’t think he plans on coming back anytime soon. from what he’s said it makes me feel like he’ll need years away but really i have no idea. i don’t want to pressure him and bring up the relationship but i constantly wonder what he’s thinking, who he’s sleeping with, etc. it drives me insane. i promised myself to go 90 days nc. even if i slip up i will not mention the relationship at all. i set myself a goal to ask him to meet up in the beginning of may/end of april to discuss how he’s feeling. do you think thats an appropriate timeframe? it will have been 7 months post breakup. i want to give him time to explore but i also can’t wait years fro him to be back and i think after so much time, a reconciliation is unrealistic. but is 7 months really enough time for him to have had these other experiences? maybe not? i have no idea. any opinion on this?
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