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@kaila Thank you for replying to my post! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I finally had a chance to get caught up on where you are at. I really think you still have a great chance at getting back with him. You just need to keep doing what you’re doing and give it time. I also think you should keep your mind open to meeting new people. Sometimes just the thought of an ex starting a relationship with somebody else is enough to make somebody realize that they made a huge mistake. So even if you just go on a few dates (nothing serious), it could help things. You sound like the kind of girl that doesn’t jump from relationship to relationship, which is a good thing, but it is backfiring on you right now. Some girls will go from relationship to relationship even if the guy isn’t 100% what they are looking for. Then they try to change the guy into what they want him to be. You are the opposite. You look for the kind of guy that you want, and when you find him you end up falling head over heals. When you fall head over heals in love it can make you do crazy things and sometimes you end up pushing the guy away that you love so much. In my opinion I would rather be with a girl like you then a girl that tries to change who I am. I’m sure your ex is the same way, he just needs time to realize that. It’s hard to figure girls out sometimes. Anyway, feel free to send me a message on KIK (tmg0907)! Hope all is well!
Thank you for the replies! Sorry for the delay, it’s been a rough week. Kaila, thank you for posting that video as well. It made me realize that I do have distrust towards her for leaving me. I always told her that if there was ever a problem that I needed her to talk to me about it and give me a chance to fix it. She always promised that she would, but she didn’t and she left me without warning. With the problems that I mentioned in the OP and the original distrust from her leaving me it was just too much for me to be able to act like myself around her. I have had a wall up ever since we got back together.
I’ve always considered myself good at reading people, and I could tell something wasn’t right with our relationship. It was eating away at me, and I wasn’t happy. I feel like I deserve to be happy. On Wednesday afternoon something came over me and I felt like I needed to end things. I called her up, and she could tell something was on my mind. I let her know that I was coming over later, and then let her go and jumped into the shower (I do my best thinking in the shower for some reason). I decided that it was time to move on, and drove over to her place. At first I didn’t want to say anything, but she knew I came over to talk and forced it out of me. I told her that I didn’t think this was working. After a pause she admitted that she kind of felt the same way. I then went on to explain how I felt like we needed to top talking all together, because I can’t move on when I’m still talking to her. She didn’t seem to like this idea very much, but didn’t really have much to say about it. There was just a long silence. I thought there would be more talking, and it was awkward so I told her that maybe I should just leave. She started crying and just said, “you don’t have to.” I put my stuff back down and told her all of the things that were bothering me. I asked her what her problems were with our relationship as it is now, and she told me that she felt like she was the only one that was trying. She went on to say that she was always the one to text or call me. I told her the reason why I didn’t text or call more was because of all of the distrust and how I didn’t know if she even wanted to talk to me at times. I wanted to get back to the way things were. I didn’t want to have to call, I wanted her to come over as soon as she got off work without me asking like she used to. We talked for a while, and when it seemed like we were done talking I tried to leave again. She stopped me saying, “We haven’t even decided anything yet, why are you leaving?” I told her that I didn’t realize there was anything left to decide, but went ahead and sat back down. The next thing she said was, “I guess it’s just best if we move on.” I already knew that was were this was headed, so I just said OK and left.
The next day I got home from work to find my apartment unlocked. When I got inside I saw that she had gotten the rest of her stuff from my apartment, and dropped off her set of keys to my apartment and car. I was relieved that she did it without me there. I didn’t want to see her anymore. I was ready to move on. A few hours later she called though. She asked if it was OK that she come over. I could tell she was already driving, so I said that was fine and she told me she was already on her way.
When she got here she was very quite. She was in shorts and a t-shirt, and was a bit sweaty because she had gone for a jog. I had to push her to say what she wanted to say, and when she finally did she told me that she wanted to try again. I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t. I just started asking her questions, like why it was so hard for her to say what she wanted to say. She said because she didn’t know how I was going to respond. I asked her if she still loved me. She said she did. I asked if she was sure about this I don’t know how many times. She told me that she had just been thinking about things while she was walking/jogging after work, and decided that she wanted to try again. I still didn’t want to say yes. I wasn’t expecting this. I thought it was finally over. I still love her though, and I couldn’t say no.
We watched TV for a bit, and I was expecting her to go home since she still needed to shower and didn’t have any stuff with her. I was a bit surprised to hear that she had a bag full of stuff in her car. I guess after her jog she went and packed a bag to come over, then called while she was on her way. It’s almost as if she knew I was going to say yes. I don’t know what to think about that, so I guess I’m trying not to read into it. Just a little worried that she thinks she can come back whenever she wants, and I will always take her. I suppose she could have just been planning ahead too.
Anyway, so she spends the night Thursday night and I end up spending the night at her place last night. She still has yet to tell me that she loves me past our conversation about getting back together. I already feel like this is going in the same direction as last time. This is the 2nd time I’ve tried to end things with her, and she always comes back the next day and I take her back. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will give it some time, but I still have huge doubts.
You are absolutely correct! She reminds me of my last ex to be honest. A bit on the crazy side, but that always turned me on about her to be honest. Does it turn you guys on when a girl hits you in a jealous rage? Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know. haha. The sex after that kind of fight is always the best. My current girlfriend isn’t really like that though (we don’t really fight at all to be honest). Anyway, you definitely need to stick to NC for 30 days. You may think that you need to act now while she is feeling jealous and has all of these emotions for you, but it will be better to give this time to cool down. My ex-ex (or kinda sort of girlfriend) and I were friends with benefits after the breakup, and when I ended that she got a little crazy and started begging me not to leave. The next day she asked if we could get back together and I ended up doing so. Now I kind of wish I would have turned her down and gone back to NC for a couple of weeks though. Things just aren’t where I want them to be now, so I’m not sure what the best course of action is at this point. I think you are definitely on the right path though! Keep it up, and keep working on yourself to make her think that she will never step out of line again if you give her another chance!
OK, so one more question. This weekend is Valentine’s day. Diamond earrings and “the talk” or just “the talk”. Before or after fwb activities? Or are you all thinking I should do it before this weekend?
Thank you for the advice. I do think I should talk to her at some point and make it clear what I want. I have to admit that I really don’t want to give up the sex though, so it will be tough. On more than one occasion she has become upset with me wondering why I am making all of these changes now, instead of while we were together. This makes me think she is starting to change her mind, but I don’t know. I have to be honest I am tempted to just let this go as is, keep working on myself, and keep using it for what it is… A friend with benefits (we all know we could use one during a breakup, it just usually isn’t your ex). The problem comes from the main rule of having a friend with benefits, which is not falling in love. When one of us decides to start dating there will be a problem. Because of that I know this has to end soon… it’s one of the hardest choices I have had to make in a long time. When I really think about it, the main thing keeping my spirit up right now isn’t her, it’s knowing that I will soon be back to the old me no matter what happens.
It sounds like you really don’t know if she is with somebody else or not, either that or it’s hard for you to admit it and you do know. I think you need to remember that you still have a chance even if she has moved on. I can’t stress enough that the only chance you have is to basically move on for yourself though. You have to better yourself so your ex can see what she’s been missing. Maybe it will take 2 months of NC for you to get there, but it’s the best thing for you. I have gotten back together with exes after years apart, and typically it starts with a brief catching up period where she sees all of the changes I have made in my life. I’m not sure how old you are, but during your 20’s most people have so many changes occur that they are a completely different person by the time they’re 30 (and then again by the time their 35 and 40). There are so many girls out there that would love to be with a guy that has his life together, so make that your goal. Once you have your life together your confidence will rise, and then you can take your pick of meeting new girls or trying to work things out with your ex. Either way you will walk away from this a better person!
PS. Get on plenty of fish or match and go on a few dates (I would suggest match if you can afford to pay, depending on the type of girl you are looking for). I never suggest playing mind games, but I do have to admit that it typically doesn’t hurt for word to get back to your ex-girlfriend that you’ve been talking to/seeing somebody.
You almost always have a chance!!! If you’ve been with somebody for 4 years, then no matter what you did wrong they will start to forget about it during NC and start thinking about the good times you had together. This is the way a person thinks.
Before the breakup
Just before a breakup (for weeks, or even months) they are filling their head with reasons to end the relationship. They try not to think about the good things, and keep filling their head up with the bad because they have made their mind up that breaking up is the right thing to do.
After the breakup
The person will start to forget about the bad IF and ONLY IF you are taking NC seriously. If you constantly beg them to get back together they will keep filling their head with the reasons why they broke up with you in the first place (which, by the way usually isn’t what they tell you). If you do not talk to them they start to forget about these things. Anybody that is together that long has good memories, and those memories start to take over as the person starts to miss you.
I have been through 3 long term breakups in my life (on the 3rd now), and this has been true for each of them. The main thing you need to do is to make sure you are ready to move on before you make contact with them after 30 days. You also need to improve yourself enough that your ex will be able to imagine a relationship that is different than the one you had.
I have used this program before, and it works. It works too well in some cases. The first time I used this I actually ended up getting back together with my ex, but I had given myself so much extra confidence that I felt like I could do better so I was the one who ended the relationship for good. And if you’re wondering I did end up doing better, much better. I ended up with the most beautiful girl in the world, but I blew it by letting myself get into a slump and let myself go. I knew what I needed to do, and started NC right away this time. I also got into the Gym and started losing weight (28lbs in just over 3 weeks so far), quit smoking, and fixed some person issues that I had. My ex actually started contacting me after 2 weeks. We are not back together, but we talk on the phone every night and I stay at her house every weekend. Our last conversation she was upset with me for not making all of these changes while we were together, which tells me that I am doing the right things (even though none of the changes I made have anything to do with the reasons she gave me for breaking up). Right now I don’t know if I should keep seeing her and talking every night or if I should go back to no contact and see what another 2 weeks apart does. In any event, I feel much better about myself right now and I will be OK no matter what happens. I hope you figure everything out, and stop worrying about whether or not you still have a chance. The point of this is that it doesn’t matter. Do the program the right way and you will be better off no matter what happens, and the icing on the cake is that this IS the BEST WAY TO GET HER BACK!!! Good luck!!
I hope you’re doing well! Keep up the good work. It really does get easier! Remember one of the main things Kevin talks about is getting yourself to a point where you will be OK if you don’t get back together. Knowing (and believing) that you don’t need him to take you back will give you extra confidence, which in turn will make your ex want you even more. Take this time to work on yourself and you will feel so much better when the day comes to meet up with your ex again!
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@kalicooldude – I think you tried to hijack her thread here. It looks like you have two threads of your own on this topic.6/7 months and the girl friend is still cold,NC started needed sincere advice pl
Started NC,its been 6/7 months and my gf still angry,cold & dnt want to come bck
I know it’s hard to get people to respond on this message board. Have you thought of trying a different message board? I will give you my 2 cents worth on your newest thread.
_________________________________________________You are doing the right thing if you want him back! I have to say a fight over money that he is supposed to be paying you seems like his issue, and not yours. I’m sure it wouldn’t have turned into a fight if he was paying you as you agreed (or even close to how you agreed). If that’s the case he will realize this very quickly during NC and will be calling to apologize to you within 3 weeks, but wait 4 before calling back of course, although my ex contacting me is my weakness and I can’t bare to hurt her by not calling back (hopefully you will do better than me!).
